If I Let You Go (3 page)

“Do I? You’re not going to listen to what she has to say?”

“Of course I will. But I can’t leave life-changing decisions to my five-year-old daughter.”

“Her age is irrelevant. Her feelings matter.”

“I’m not saying they don’t. I’m just saying this is going to happen. The plans have been made, I’ve bought an apartment, I’ve found a school for her. All we need to do is make the move.”

Anger began to rise in me again. All that planning, done in silence. Not a word to me, not even a sign that anything big was going to happen. He’d just come home every weekend and acted like everything was the same, when in reality, he’d been getting ready to turn Tilly’s life upside down for months.

“If you have something to say, I suggest you say it,” Dominic said. We wore matching expressions of annoyance, as if my own irritation was being reflected in him, bouncing between us like light off glass.

“Oh, I have plenty to say,” I told him, slamming my bottle down on the counter, “Starting with, why did you hide this for so long? Why didn’t you tell me, even if you weren’t ready to tell Tilly?”

“Because I didn’t want to tell you you might lose your job until I knew it was really going to happen.”

“You must have known before now. This didn’t all just tie up in the last few weeks.”

“No,” he admitted. “It didn’t. And you’re right, I should have told you earlier. But I didn’t … I didn’t know how to. Today, I just needed to get it out, because dragging it out all this time wasn’t fair, not on either of us.”

Damn him. He’d made me feel bad for him instead of giving me a reason to unleash my rage.

Don’t feel too sorry for him. He’s
still got a lot of explaining to do.

“What will happen when you get there?” I asked. “Who will take care of Tilly while you’re at work?”

“I’ll hire another nanny.”

“Will you still have to go away all the time, or will being in New York mean you won’t have to go away as much?”

“I’ll still need to travel, mostly within America, though.”

“Oh, so you’re uprooting her to make your own life easier.”

Dominic glanced over his shoulder, down the hall towards Tilly’s room, then closed the kitchen door. “That’s not fair,” he said. “I’m doing it to make both of our lives easier. I won’t be away for as long, or as often. It means I’ll get to spend more time with her than I do now.”

“Yeah, maybe in the beginning! But just like when we moved here, you’ll end up working longer hours again, going away more and more, and she’ll have nobody!”

“She’ll still have me! And she’ll have someone new looking after her.”

Another stab hit me, in the chest this time, as I imagined someone else collecting her from school and hearing about her day. Someone different being there to wipe her tears, and protecting her from bad dreams.

It took the breath out of me, and I slumped onto a stool, resting my arm on the counter to prop up my head. 

“Why didn’t you ask me to come?” I asked, weakly.

Dominic opened and closed his mouth a few times, making it obvious that it hadn’t even crossed his mind. I’d been taking care of his daughter for three years, and it didn’t occur to him that I might be able to make the whole thing smoother for them both.

“Madison, I-”

“What? I’m not good enough to look after her anymore? I haven’t done enough, I haven’t kept this flat perfect for you, and done everything for Tilly every time you’ve been away?”

“No, it’s not that. God, you’ve been amazing, you’ve taken care of everything, and Tilly loves you, but I didn’t even think to ask you to move to New York. Not for us. It wouldn’t be fair.”

“Maybe you should worry more about what’s fair for Tilly than for me. Are you even allowed to move her out of the country without her mother’s permission? I know she doesn’t have any part of Tilly’s life, but-”

“I found her,” Dominic interrupted.

I halted my ramble and sat up straight. “You did?”

He nodded. “If I’m making this move, I want to do it right. I talked to my lawyer, he tracked her down, and I met up with her.”

“Jesus Christ,” I said, hopping down from the stool, and starting to pace. My head swam with all the revelations. “Before you finish explaining this episode of ‘Dominic Hartley’s Secret Life,’ is there anything else you’ve been hiding?”

“No. And I didn’t tell you for the same reason I didn’t tell you everything else. It wasn’t the right time.”

“Did you talk to anyone about it? Your mum, your brother?”

“No. I just dealt with it on my own.”

If I hadn’t been so far away on the other side of the room, I’d have slapped him. Hard. Why did he think he had to do everything alone?

“What happened when you saw her?” I asked.

“Well, I drove up to Manchester, where she lives, and we went for a coffee. I told her about the new job, and she said she was happy for us to go.”

“Did she even ask about Tilly?”

“No. I tried to tell her but she wasn’t interested. She had another baby. She made it clear that she wants nothing to do with Tilly now she has her new family.”

Sickness churned in my stomach at the idea of a mother being so completely uncaring towards her own child. Tilly deserved so much better. Dominic’s jaw tensed the way it always did when he was upset or angry. I was sure he was more pissed off than upset. His grieving for his marriage was done a long time ago, but he’d never stop hurting for Tilly because she’d been denied a mother.

“I’m sorry,” I said. “That she didn’t care, I mean.”

He nodded. “Me too. The good news is, seeing her meant we could finally get the divorce sorted out. Another thing that’s being taken care of.”

The spinning cycle of emotions had made me tired. Being infuriated really takes it out of you, but when you threw in sadness, regret, fear and confusion, it was too much. I’d woken up that morning, excited because I had a weekend ahead of me that promised to be full of laughs and drinking. Less than twenty-four hours later, my heart felt heavy because everything I knew was about to be taken away.

“I need to go to bed,” I said.

“There’s still more to talk about.”

“You’re probably right, but I can’t.”

“Please,” he said. “I don’t want to leave things this way.”

“What way?”

“Not knowing what you think. Not knowing if I can count on you to be here until we leave.”

“Do you honestly think I’d leave Tilly a second sooner than I have to? I’m not going anywhere. And as for what I think … you know that.”

“You think I’m selfish,” Dominic said. “You think I’m doing all of this for myself.”

“I think you put your need to be successful ahead of Tilly’s needs. And I think that’s unfair of you.”

“How can you not see that I’m doing this for her?” he snapped. “So I can spend more time with her, so I can afford to give her everything she wants!”

“Everything she wants is here!” I said, throwing my arms wide and spinning in a circle to mark my point. “It’s right here in this flat, right now!”

“I can’t be here all the time.”

“You could if you stopped thinking about your enormous wage packet! You earn more than enough to live comfortably now. You earned more than enough for that before your last promotion, but instead, you took it and you’re missing out on everything. Every little achievement Tilly has made has passed you by. You even missed her parents’ evening! You should have seen her work for yourself, and heard the teacher praising how far she’s come in the last year! Are you even going to be here for her birthday in a few weeks, or is that another milestone you’re going to sacrifice?”

“I’ll be here,” he said, through gritted teeth. “But don’t push it. If you want to be angry with me, that’s fine, but don’t ever question how much I love my daughter.”

“I don’t question that for a second, Dom. I don’t. But you have to see how much damage this move could do to her. You’re taking her from everything she knows. And I still don’t see a good reason for it.”

“This isn’t up for debate, Madison, it’s happening! She’s my daughter, not yours!”

“Duly noted,” I said, trying to keep a firm grip on my temper. “I’ll get out of your way in the morning so you can talk to her about the move. You need to do that without the help getting in the way.”

“Jesus, Madison!” Dominic snapped, practically flying across the kitchen to stand in front of me. “I need your support! I need to know you’re going to back me up, and that you’re not going to be filling her head with poison while I’m not here!”

A blinding, burning anger surged through my veins. Tilly might not have been my own flesh and blood, but I’d have done anything,
anything
, for her, which was a lot more than could be said for her mother. Maybe my words had crossed the employer/employee boundaries, but I’d never have even dreamt of trying to turn Tilly against her father.

“Do you really know that little about me?” I spat. “If you think I would be capable of that, if you think for a second that I’d do anything to hurt either of you, I may as well leave right now!”

He didn’t answer, and I shook my head, knowing that all we were going to do if I stayed right there was go round in circles. I’d had enough.

I tried to push him aside so I could get to the door, but he refused to budge. I pushed harder, trying to use my anger to shove him out of the way. His response was to grip the tops of my arms until I stopped fighting, glaring into his eyes.

His lips crushed down against mine. No warning. No gentle lean-in. One minute we were apart, the next, I was locked into a kiss I hadn’t expected. I froze only for a second before giving in, my body shifting from shaking with rage, to shaking with something completely different. One of his hands slid from the top of my arm to the back of my neck, the other slipped around my waist, his fingers burning me through the thin material of my dress. Unsteady, I clutched at his t-shirt, hoping it would hold me up enough until I was ready to touch him.

Well this is completely unethical.

I didn’t care. It was better than shouting.

I’d never hated and wanted someone so much in my life.

My fingers twisted the fabric of his shirt, bunching it up in my hands as his tongue found its way into my mouth. He reached behind him, his nails scratching against the wooden door until he found the handle. Swinging it open, we stumbled through and shuffled along the hall to his bedroom, entwined in a desperation-fuelled kiss.

In the privacy of Dominic’s room, I lifted his t-shirt to run my hands down his back, and he broke away from me for just a second to pull his shirt over his head. It wasn’t the first time I’d seen him shirtless, but it
felt
like the first time. I didn’t have time to stop and admire the view, I needed to touch him, to taste him. My mouth danced along his broad shoulders, nibbling, biting. A refreshing coolness hit me, the sound of my dress zip echoing in my ears, and he tugged it down, letting it drop to the floor.

The rest of our clothes quickly followed, and we fell back onto the bed, breathing heavily, hearts pounding. We were ready, more than ready, but Dominic made me wait, trailing kisses down my neck to my breasts, where he repaid me in kind for using my teeth. My breaths became shallow, and I closed my eyes, concentrating hard on holding in the feral moan that threatened to burst out of me. The mix of small, sharp bites and soft kisses drove me crazy, and I raked my fingers through his already tousled hair, pulling him up to me so I could feel his lips on mine again.

For the second time, he let go of me with one hand, while holding me with the other, and reached out for the drawer in his bedside cabinet. Knowing it was going to happen soon made me kiss him harder, raising my hips towards his. When he found what he was looking for, he rolled away from me, just long enough to tear into the foil packet and slip its contents into position.

When Dominic rolled back on top of me again, his breathing as ragged as mine, he paused for a second, the first sign of uncertainty in his eyes.
Are you sure about this?

My own eyes widened.
It’s a bit late to ask now!

A small grin of understanding crossed his lips, but I hooked my leg around his hip, forcing him back into the moment. Neither of us could wait, and as he moved inside me, fast, animalistic, the world around me started to disappear. All of my senses became alert, heightened, building. Building, until fire ripped through me, shooting out ripples of pleasure that rolled and crashed across every part of my body. I couldn’t stop myself calling out his name. It sounded distant, like the words weren’t really coming from my own mouth, and shortly after, he let out a loud groan before collapsing on top of me, both of us drenched in sweat.

Chapter 3

I stared up at the ceiling, unable to move, waiting for the post-angry-sex high to kick in. My body was still tingling, and beside me, I could hear Dominic still hadn’t quite caught his breath.

The high didn’t come.

Instead, I felt panic. If I couldn’t still feel his weight on top of me, and the tiny bite marks on my skin, I could have convinced myself I’d just had a particularly filthy dream.

Naked, sprawled out on Dominic’s bed, I felt exposed, but I didn’t want to move yet. I tried to con myself into thinking that if I didn’t move, he’d forget I was there. Maybe he’d fall asleep and I could creep out, pretend nothing happened.

Oh, it happened.

After what felt like forever, Dominic finally got to his feet, and went into his en-suite bathroom. How could he not say anything? Was he actually planning to go into denial?

I knew him better than that. I knew that he would be feeling as awkward as me, and after the fight we’d had, I had no clue how we were supposed to have a “normal” working relationship again.

Slowly, I sat up, my head spinning a little. I suppose it was to be expected after the single most intense sexual experience of my life, but I needed to get to my own room, shower, and try to sleep before facing Dominic again.

I stepped into my dress, only so I wouldn’t have to walk down the hallway naked, and quickly picked up my bra and knickers.