If I Die (23 page)

The truth of both statements pissed me off, but I wasn’t going to argue. “Keep him away from me. And keep him clean.” Then I started the car and drove out of the lot, fighting more tears.

I texted Emma to tell her I was going home, and that she should stay away from Nash for a while, and that I’d call her after school to explain. Then I took several deep breaths and called Harmony from the road.

“Kaylee?” Harmony said into my ear, her voice still groggy from sleep. And I burst into tears.

“Kaylee, what’s wrong?” Bed springs creaked, and she sounded more awake. “What happened?”

The road blurred beneath my tears, so I pulled into the nearest parking lot and turned off the engine. “Remember when you told me to watch out for
bean sidhe
brothers?”

“Yes…” She sounded both relieved and wary to realize my
call had nothing to do with my impending death, and everything to do with her sons’ hearts.

“I didn’t watch out well enough.”

Harmony’s sigh seemed to carry the weight of the world. “Does this have something to do with why Nash and Sabine were drinking last night?”

“Yes. But it’s so much worse now. And I’m so sorry for what I did, and now everything’s messed up.” And telling Harmony was almost as hard as telling Nash, because she was the closest thing I had to a mom, but she
was
their mother, and I’d torn her real family apart.

“Okay, calm down and tell me what happened. Where are you? Do you need me to come get you?”

“No, you have to go get Nash. You have to help him.”

“Why? What happened to Nash?” She was on her feet now—I could hear the floorboard creak over the line, between my own ragged, tear-choked breaths.

“I kissed Tod, and Nash saw it, and we broke up. But then he came to school today and wanted to get back together, but he’s high on frost and he’s out of control. He tried to make me leave with him, and Sabine had to hit him, and everything is so messed up, and I don’t know how to fix it.”

Harmony took a deep breath, and I envied her ability to simply institute calm whenever she needed it. If I were going to grow up, I’d want to be just like her. “Is Nash still with Sabine?”

“Yeah. They’re in the school parking lot.”

“Okay, I’m going to let you go so I can call her and see about Nash.”

“Okay.” I sniffled one more time, then wiped my face with the tail of my shirt. “Harmony, I’m so sorry.”

“So am I, sweetie. I’m sorry for all of us.”

She hung up, and I took several more deep breaths to make
sure I wouldn’t sound like I’d been crying. Then I called Tod from the road. He answered on the first ring.

“Hey, shouldn’t you be in class?”

“No. Definitely not. Can you come over?” I would have asked him to bring pizza, but it was only nine-thirty in the morning, and the pizza place didn’t open till eleven.

“I’ll meet you at your house.” But, of course, he was already waiting on the porch when I got there.

Inside, I pulled him close for a hug I never wanted to end. He felt good, his shoulder solid beneath my cheek, his arms around me, hands clasped at the base of my spine. Tod felt strong, and warm, and wonderful, and I wanted to hold him—to be held by him—for the rest of what little life I had left. “I really needed that,” I said, staring up at him when I finally let go. “I might need another one.”

“I live to serve. Except for the part about living…” He leaned in for another hug, but stopped with one good look into my eyes. “What’s wrong?”

Instead of answering, I tugged him toward the couch, then pulled him down next to me.

“Kaylee, what happened?”

“I talked to Nash at school today, and it didn’t go so well.”

“Not so well, meaning…?”

“He was high. And upset. I had to tell him about us, and that made it worse.”

“Damn it.” Tod let his head fall against the back of the couch. But he didn’t look surprised.

“You knew he was using again?”

He sat up when I twisted to sit cross-legged facing him, with my spine against the arm of the couch. “Um…yeah. I caught him with a full balloon last night. Don’t worry, though. I popped it.”

Which was why Sabine hadn’t been able to find it. “Why didn’t you
tell
me?”

“Because I knew you’d blame yourself.” He shrugged, like keeping something that important from me was okay.

“Yeah. Because it’s my fault!”

“No.” Tod took my hand and intertwined his fingers with mine. “Kaylee, no one feels worse about what Nash is going through than I do. I don’t regret a single second I’ve spent with you, but I regret how we got here, and I hate that us being together makes my brother miserable. But you aren’t responsible for how he reacts to pain and anger, and this isn’t the last time he’ll have to face either of those. Nash makes his own decisions, and you can’t blame yourself for how he’s chosen to cope with this.”

“But—”

He cut off my protest with a kiss that lingered, and deepened, and ended with a satisfied sound from deep in his throat as he leaned his forehead against mine.

“Cute.” I couldn’t resist a small smile, but it faded almost immediately. “Seriously, though, he saw us together, and now he’s high and miserable. We’re the reason he started using again.”

“No.” Tod shook his head, and that stray curl fell over his brow. “We’re the reason he’s upset enough to want to get high. But Kaylee, it’s not like a balloon full of Demon’s Breath just appeared in his hands, and you certainly didn’t give it to him. He made a conscious decision and an active effort to go find one.”

“How? Where would he get Demon’s Breath, if he can’t cross over? How would Avari even get it into our world?”

“Where there’s demand, there will always be someone willing to supply. There are a hundred different ways Avari could be off-loading his product. Assuming it’s even him.” Tod
rubbed his forehead. “The only supplier I know of specifically is the balloon animal guy who hangs out near the zoo. His black balloons aren’t for kids. But I know how to take care of him.”

“What are you going to do?”

“Is that something you really want me to answer?”

Was it? “No. But if he’s really Nash’s new source, just…make it stick. Whatever you do.” I felt a little sick to my stomach, knowing I’d just given my blessing for Tod to do something I didn’t even want to think about. To another human being. But anyone peddling frost was a murderer in my eyes, and Tod wouldn’t kill him—he would never reap off the record. Though the balloon animal guy might soon
wish
he were dead.

“It’ll stick. And I want you to stop worrying about Nash.”

“But—” I started, and Tod cut me off with another kiss. “Is this the routine now?” I asked, as his hand tightened around mine and my heart lodged in my throat. “I argue, and you cut me off with a kiss?”

“Not all arguments. In general, I like it when you argue. You get all fiery and passionate. But stupid arguments?” He somehow managed to raise both brows and frown sternly at the same time. “Yeah. I’m gonna shut you up. Like this.” He kissed me again, and that one lasted.

“Mmm… Best punitive system ever.”

“That’s kinda what I thought.”

“For real, though, you have to tell me stuff like that. No secrets.”

Tod frowned down at me. “I should tell you about bad things that you can’t fix, even when I know you’re just going to blame yourself for them and have a miserable last day of life?”

Well, when you put it like that…
“Yes.” I nodded firmly.

“Fine. I’ll keep that in mind, should I find another opportunity to ruin the rest of your life.”

“That’s all I’m asking.”

“I don’t want you to worry about Nash, though. When he fell asleep, I took his balloon and popped it in the Netherworld, so he should be fine, at least until he finds another one.” Demon’s Breath was stored in and dispensed from latex party balloons, an idea I’d accidentally given to Avari, who turned out to be a rather enterprising hellion. “And we can worry about that in a couple of days.”

“I won’t
be
here to worry about that in a couple of days.”

“Exactly. See, even death has a bright side.”

But I couldn’t let it go. “When did you get rid of Nash’s balloon?”

“Last night, after I left here. Sometime after midnight.”

“Sabine said he was trashed when she picked him up this morning, and his hands were freezing during second period. How is that possible?”

“It’s not, unless he restocked, or had more than that one balloon in the first place.” Tod closed his eyes and let his head fall back again. “Shit.”

“And you don’t feel even a little bit responsible for this?” I asked softly, wishing I could absolve him of guilt, even as I demanded that he accept some of the responsibility.

“I didn’t say that. I said
you
shouldn’t feel responsible.” The reaper sighed and ran one hand through his short curls. “Okay, I gotta go find the rest of his stash. You wanna come with me or meet me after?”

“Actually, I think it can wait. He’s with Sabine.” In some ways I’d never truly be able to trust her. But I trusted her to keep Nash safe—especially after she’d seen him lose control in the parking lot. “And your mom’s probably there by now.”

“You called my mom?”

“She can help him, Tod.”

“I know. I was just hoping she wouldn’t have to know this time. But it sounds like he picked up right where he left off, so yeah, I guess you had to tell her.”

“I’m sorry. I told her about us, too. I hope she doesn’t hate me for coming between the two of you.”

“She could never hate you, Kaylee. I’ll probably get an earful, though.” He grimaced at the thought. “But enough about that. How do you want to spend your last full day?”

“I don’t know…” I held up our joined hands. “This is nice.” Tod’s hand fit so well in mine that I didn’t want to go anywhere or think about anything but him, and us, and the fact that we hadn’t even considered turning on the TV, because we didn’t need it for entertainment. And he made me smile. Even knowing that Nash was back on frost, my demon math teacher wanted to impregnate my best friend and my lifeline was scheduled to end the next day, Tod could make me laugh.

“Yeah, it is.” His gaze went out of focus, like he was looking at something I couldn’t see. “I can’t remember the last time I actually got to touch someone I care about, just for the sake of touching and being touched. For human contact that demands nothing.”

“You and Addy didn’t…?”

“Get back together?” he said when I wasn’t sure how to finish my own sentence, and I nodded. “No. Seeing Addy again was like going back in time, to before I died. But I don’t think she thought of me like that. Not this time, anyway. She had more important things on her mind.” Like reclaiming her sister’s sold soul, not to mention her own. “And then she died, and I couldn’t stop it.” He was looking at me again by then, and I knew what he was thinking.

“This is different, Tod.” I put my free hand on top of the one that held his. “I still have my soul, so I’m not just moving
into the Netherworld for an eternity of torture. Dying for me will be more like a release, right? It’s everyone else I’m worried about.”

“Your dad and uncle are working on the incubus issue, and I’ll do whatever I can to help, so you don’t have to worry about Emma. The worst part for her will be missing you. And your dad’s going to be fine, now that Thane’s out of the picture.”

“Thank you so much for that.” I picked at a worn spot on the denim over his knee. “I don’t know how to tell you how much that meant to me.” Though evidently that one fateful kiss was worth a thousand words.

“That was truly my pleasure. In fact, it was so much fun I’m not even going to add it to the running total of rescues you owe me.”

“How gallant of you.”

“Does that mean I’ve earned my shining armor? ’Cause I don’t see how I can slay the dragon without it.” When I didn’t smile, his frown deepened. “If you’re still worried about Nash, you know Sabine and I will watch out for him.”

“I know. I just hate that I’m going to die with him hating me.” Because how could he not? I closed my eyes and rubbed my forehead, trying to draw my scrambled thoughts into focus. “From the moment you told me I was going to die—okay, from the moment I came to terms with that—all I’ve wanted to do was put everything in order. Make sure everyone I care about would be okay after I’m gone. But I messed that up, and now Nash has to live with the consequences of what I did.”

“What
we
did,” Tod insisted.

“Either way, he hates us both.”

“He’s spent half his life hating me. Hell, he thinks I’m try
ing to make him miserable as a punishment for living. He’s upset and confused, but he’ll understand eventually.”

“You really think so?”

Tod shrugged, but couldn’t quite hide his own doubt. “We’re brothers—a three-hundred-year life span is a long time to hold a grudge.”

Three hundred years
. That’s what I should have had, give or take. And Tod had eternity, though I couldn’t accurately describe his post-death existence as a life span. Still, compared to the mere hours I had left, eternal un-death was looking pretty good.

“How did you die, Tod?”

He couldn’t—or didn’t—hide his surprise. “Nash didn’t tell you?”

“I never asked.” It honestly hadn’t occurred to me. Tod had been dead long before I met him, and I rarely thought of him as ever having been alive, as obvious as that conclusion seemed in retrospect.

“Well, I guess that’s just as well.” He stroked the back of my hand with his thumb. “He doesn’t know the truth anyway. No one does, except my mom and Levi.”

“Is it some top secret reaper thing? No one can know how you entered the afterlife?” I joked, but Tod looked so solemn my smile died on my face.

“No. I asked my mom and Levi to keep what really happened a secret. To protect Nash.”

“You know you can tell me, right?” I ducked, trying to draw his gaze up to my face again. “I’m not going to tell anyone, and after tomorrow, you’re right back where you started, with just two people knowing.”

“It’s not that I don’t want you to know—I’d answer any question you asked me, Kaylee, even if you were scheduled to live forever.” He frowned, and a rare look of uncertainty
flickered over features I’d nearly memorized. “It’s that I’ve literally never told anyone what happened—not since I told my mother.”