If I Break THE COMPLETE SERIES Bundle (182 page)

“She just turned seven,” I say.

She smiles, biting her lip. She starts to say something but pauses. “There was a night. When you came over and”—she laughs bitterly—“I thought you were looking for Chris, and I told you I was expecting.”

I know it’s difficult for her to say these words, and I know my answer will be difficult for her to hear if she asks what I think she will.

“Were you pregnant then?” she says quickly and breathlessly.

I nod, and she does the same. She rests her face in her hands, and I hear her whimpering. She raises her face and wipes her tears.

“Do you have any idea how lucky you are, Lisa?” she says through her tears and whimpers. “I would have given anything for my child to be here. For my little girl or little boy to have made it into this world.”

I can literally feel both our hearts breaking into a thousand pieces. She’s trembling, and I know she’s trying to gather her bearings.

“Where is your—where is your daughter?” she asks.

I feel like scum, embarrassed, worthless, and I choke up as well. “She’s not here. I don’t know if I’m ready for that right now.”

She shakes her head and holds her hand to her chest, her expression pained. She stands and looks at me, and I can see the fury she’s holding back, and I know it’s not because Will—it’s because of what I just said. She lets out one last breath and walks to the door. I follow her.

“Will made a mistake with me a long time ago. I know he loves you. A part of me hated you for it because even as good as I made him feel, he could never really be happy with me because of you,” I say, and I hope it’s some consolation.

“Good-bye, Lisa,” she says quietly. Before she turns to go, she grabs my hand, and with tears in her eyes, she smiles. “I forgive you.”

With that, she walks out the door. I watch her leave as tears spill down my cheeks.

I
t’s been three weeks since it all happened—when I looked into my wife’s eyes and realized that she would never look at me the same way again, when my worst nightmare came true, when a truth so ugly that it had repercussions past my home was found out. I knew if Gwen ever found out, there would be no going back.

Living with her now is just that—we live together. We exist, but that’s all. She has a wall around herself keeping me at a distance, but I take it because at least she’s here. It could be a whole lot worse. She could be gone. I could be alone. My son could stop speaking to me again. Things aren’t great, they aren’t even good, but I thank God every day because I know they could be so much worse.

Still, it’s hard to be in the same house with her and feel her anger, her disappointment, her hurt radiating off her. There are some moments when I can make her smile, when she forgets for a fragment of a second that she hates me, then she hates herself for it. The only time I get to see her not so weighed down and heavy is when she talks to the kids in Chicago. She’s so happy when she does. Chris is renewing his vows. The date is set, and Gwen has thrown herself into those plans. They make her happy. I think they distract her and make her forget.

I’m in the yard pulling weeds when the car pulls up. It’s Lisa’s. I swallow my anger. I can’t be mad at her anymore for not keeping our secret, for telling it when everything in my life was just making sense. But I am furious with her for after telling me I have a child, not answering my calls or answering the door when I went over there.

She climbs out of the car and walks toward me. She’s still beautiful, but she’s still as impulsive and immature as the day we started all those years ago. How could I not see that then?

“It’s good to see you,” I say sarcastically, standing.

She looks at me, and I see tears in her eyes. I sigh. Her eyes can still make me feel like a cruel jerk.

“I’m sorry I haven’t been answering your calls. It was immature and stupid,” she says.

I feel my expression soften. I look toward the house, hoping Gwen doesn’t look out and see us and get the wrong idea.

“I won’t be here long,” she says quickly, “and I’m not here to purposely cause trouble.”

I look at her a little skeptically.
Purposely.

“
My aunt Dani passed away last week,” she says.

“I’m sorry, Lisa. She was a great person.” Danielle was always a really cool girl when we were younger, and it seemed as though nothing had changed the last time I saw her.

“Uh, she’s who Willa was living with. Dani’s husband never really wanted kids, and my grandparents are too old, and Evie’s completely out of the question,” she says with a bitter laugh.

“What are you saying?” I ask.

“I can’t do this, Will,” she blurts, tears streaming from her eyes.

“Do what? Be a mother?” I ask, and she nods. “But you’re a teacher.”

She sighs and laughs. “Guess why I chose that profession.”

I shake my head. “Lisa…”

She chuckles. “No worries, I turned out to be pretty good at it, but I’m taking a break. I’m going to stay with a friend in San Francisco and just find myself. The new me, the person I make—not Evie’s daughter or the woman I chose to be for you.”

“You’re taking a seven-year-old with you to live with your roommate in San Francisco?” I ask, my anger about to choke me.

She huffs and smiles at me and shakes her head. She walks away, and I follow her.

“You can’t be that selfish or self-absorbed. What the hell is wrong with you?” I say angrily.

She whips back around, and her eyes shoot daggers at me. “Can you just shut up and stand right here and try to look like the man I fell in love with instead of his pissed-off cousin?”

I’m floored. She walks to her car and opens the back door, revealing a beautiful little blond girl holding a pink teddy bear. The girl gets out, her eyes on her feet. Lisa squats in front of her.

“Remember the prince I told you about in all of those stories?” Lisa says in a sweet, quiet voice. “This is him—Prince William.” Lisa smiles at me, her eyes full of tears.

“Hi,” the girl says quietly, and my heart starts to beat out of my chest.

“Hi, beautiful.” I feel my throat burn.

“This is who your mommy wants to take care of you,” Lisa says, rubbing the girl’s hair.

She looks at me, her eyes bright like her mother’s, but they’re my color. She has my nose, my dimples. She has Lisa’s long white-blond hair.

“You knew my mommy?” she asks me shyly.

My eyes cut to Lisa, and she smiles tightly.

“Yeah, I did,” I say, giving the girl a warm smile.

Lisa reaches into the car and pulls out a big purple duffle bag with stars on it, and she drops it near my feet. “I had so much fun growing up here. When I was here, it always felt like home. Remember all the stories I told you?” Lisa picks up the girl, and she nods. “Things are going to be so great.”

The little girl smiles, and I have to stop tears from coming to my eyes.

“Will, this is Willa,” Lisa says, putting the girl down and scooching her forward.

“You’re going to call and come visit?” Willa asks.

“We’ll see, princess,” Lisa says, standing. Her eyes find mine.

I want to say so much to her. Why wouldn’t she talk to me about this? Why didn’t she give me any time to prepare? But then again, this is Lisa.

“I love you, Willa bear,” she says before kissing her cheek and giving her a hug. Lisa walks over to me, and we stare into each other’s eyes. She leans over to my ear. “I-I wish I could tell you her favorite food and bedtime story and color and all the things I should know, but I can’t, and it will mean more if you find them out on your own anyway.” She pulls back. “I hope she understands.”

Then Lisa gets back in her car. This doesn’t seem real. Is this really happening? When Lisa pulls away with a little wave and Willa starts to cry, I realize that it is.

“Hey, sweetheart, don’t cry,” I tell Willa. I want to hold her hand, but mine has dirt all over it. “Do you like animals?”

She nods.

“Oh well, you’re in the right place. I have horses and pigs and chickens,” I say.

“Really?” she asks, giving a heart-breaking smile.

“Yup. Are you hungry?” I ask, and she nods. “Well, let’s get you something to eat, and then we can go see all of them, okay?”

She takes my hand, smudged dirt and all, and I wonder if this could be my happiness now.

I can’t be here anymore. My heart hurts too much.

T
oday is the day I’m going to do it. I’m going to tell Will I can’t do this anymore, can’t be around him anymore. The only person I’ve been able talk to about this is Chris’s wife, Lauren. She told me to keep the divorce papers for six months and if I still wanted to do it, to go ahead, but I can’t wait any longer.

It all hurts too much. It hurts because I still love him, and I hate myself for that. I know I have to forgive, then things will be so much better for me, but it’s hard. I feel slapped in the face all over again sometimes when I look at him. I hate myself for waking up and still wanting him. Each morning, I wake up in our bed and wish he was next to me. How can I still feel this way after everything he’s done? Why? Last night I promised myself I’d stop loving him. Today I woke up and saw him and knew I’d lied. I’m tired of lying to myself.

I don’t want to hate him, but it’s killing me to still love him.

I walk in the front door, the papers in my purse and tears in my eyes. I hear laughter though, and it throws me off. I haven’t heard him laugh like that in so long that it almost takes my breath away. I quickly head to the dining room, and my heart almost stops when I see him and a beautiful little girl with blond hair, blue eyes, and his smile. He looks at me, and his smile softens, but it’s still there.