If All Else Fails (7 page)

He wanted to run
away from there. He wanted to fall asleep watching the sky but he could not leave his old woman.
He could not run. His song was gone in the wind now and he could not go.

He had gone to see
the city sitting on its buildings and now the sky he could not see began to burn him. And the
darkness was crawling across his shoulders. And the moon
above was there in the hidden sky, chased by dead wishes. The moon was
there. The blood moon was there, burning.

Hurting old men,
hiding its mother, the city sat on its buildings when the world ended.

And the sky came
apart like a wing tearing off.

I can remember when
the years changed; I can remember when I rode a horse of a different technicolor. Now when I feel
like having a woman, I have myself changed into one. You remember me. I was Mr. and Mrs., I rode
across your screen. I danced for you. I fell off horses for you. I got shot for you. I was living
in two worlds and Jesus Christ was working the night shift. When they said do a rain dance, I did
a rain dance. When the dance called for a woman, I was one. You remember me, don't you? If you
do, tell me who I am. Am I the book? The movie? I can remember when I rode a horse of a different
technicolor. I'm making sense to you, yes I am, unless I am a movie and you are a
book.

The universe is
divided into two worlds. Now the appeal of two worlds is the fear of death. One world is the book
and there it is written, "All lives are to be divided into two sections, day and night." The
other world is the microphone and the camera and there it is recorded for playback, shin­ing to
us, "I am the kingdom and the glory. Let the children come unto me for they shall be recreated in
my own image."

It all began in
2074, twice, once for day and once for night. This story began in 2074 where precedence became
the word as it was spoken. THE WORD. Man learned that all men had to rechannel their aggressions.
They invented spectators. They said people should be great and disinterested souls. We know the
past. We must act accordingly. Yes, let us act accordingly.

The year of 2074
was the year of the success, the all inclusion, the triumph of the wait and watch. They learned
how to make' people act accordingly. (Do you remember when you wondered whether the people you
watched on television could watch you? Now you know, don't you?) And 2074 happened twice. Once in
the soil and once in the spirit and they all began acting accordingly. Next year will be the
third year 2074 happened; 2074 will always be with us. That is what they said. Did you
listen?

I listened and did
not learn. I couldn't be the language. I couldn't hide in the same time, couldn't stand for the
old, or whisper soft things counting me to sleep like tallied sheep. They pushed my button. I
know they pushed my button. I heard the connections made in my brain. I died in my sleep and was
changed into someone else on a silver screen. I used to be a book. I'm a lie. I know I'm a lie
but I am very impor­tant. That makes all the difference. You can be punished for not
listening.

(COCKTAIL
CONVERSATION TAPE, HOME OF IRON EYES CODY, HOLLYWOOD, CALIFORNIA, 2074-Please file under possible
blackmail material.)

Did we push your
brain button? Did you die in your sleep? Will you ever know if we made you into someone else? If
we changed you from a movie to a book? Did your whole life flash before your eyes at the last
moment? Re­member, we saved you from 2075. And only white men flash through their lives at the
last moment, only white men want to watch home movies. Remember, we saved you from 2075. Trust
us. Be true to yourself, ethnic one, less you be undone, as it is, in playback. The signal fades
with every playback. Save your strength. Magnetism loves you, be kind to its home, the tape.
Remember, you have your place with your race and are taped accordingly. Take your hand off the
sil­ver screen. We don't want to push your brain button. You are the book, and as we told you
many times before, you can't re-edit anymore. Put your faith in the tape, rest your mind, we
shall watch you watch us, we shall not unwind. Spectators are participators. Do not make us push
your brain button. Repeat. Do not make us push your brain button.

Finish that
moccasin, make it accordingly. Sew that bead choker today. Do it for the tape, for your records
must be complete. Nobody likes to push your brain button. Stay tuned.

(THIS INFORMATION
RROADCAST ON A CELLU­LAR LEVEL AS A PUBLIC SERVICE TO ETHNIC MINORITIES, CHANNEL, CODE, AND
REVISIONS AS SPECIFIED. THIS BIOCAST SPONSORED BY THE CHURCH OF LATTER DAY ELECTRONIC ENGI­NEERS.
REMEMBER, WE'LL SEE YOU AT THE BOX OFFICE NEXT SUNDAY. AND MAY ALL YOUR HOLO­GRAMS, BE HAPPY
ONES.)

We made you whole.
We made you fit the pattern. We broadcast day and night. We make decisions for you. Take your
hand off the silver screen. You are interfering with the projectionist. Yes, we listen, we tell
you, you are a book, and having been written, you cannot cancel a line of it. Act
ac­cordingly.

(ALL
TRANSFORMATIONS ARE CLEAR. FORGIVE US OUR TRANSMISSIONS, DONE WHILE YOU SLEEP, AS YOU LAY IN YOUR
BED, A HAND OF HOPE CRUMPLED UNDER YOUR CHEEK.)

Remember when we
wondered how technology would affect us? Then we woke up suddenly, not enjoying the long, long
journey and at that moment a jet screamed through the air, whipping across the sky like a death
overhead. On the
beach, children tried
to leap into a jet's shadow. How fleet­ing we were.

(FROM THE
SUPPRESSED VIDEOPOEMS OF IRON EYES CODY.)

I used to.be a
dancer now I'm happily possessed. I used to sinfully clothe myself in the central facts of our
time. Now, because of the lucky cleavage of men into actors and specta­tors, I remain
undressed.

I know you care; I
know you'll never cut across my trans­mission lines. Ill learn and look. I'll promise to remember
to forget. I pledge allegiance to the logo and to the station for which it stands.

Forgive me,
sponsor, forgive me talking toothbrush for missing a tooth yesterday morning. I am going to make
you proud of me. You'll see a change in my overnight ratings, I promise. No longer will the back
of my antenna be resistant to your signal. I am going to be better. I will be content with the
"given" in sensation's quest. Before your very eyes, in one stunning montage, in one brilliant,
symbolic lap dis­solve, you'll see me faithful to the screen, see me metamor­phosed from an
untamed body dancing on trees to a pair of eyes staring beautifully in the dark.

(A CHILD'S PRAYER
OF CONTRITION, BAPTIST HYMNAL, 2074.)

"Remember the
Alamo! Send free laxatives to Mexico!"

(IRON EYES CODY IN
A SPEECH TO DAVY CROCKETT-edited out of late-late-show telecast.)

I know they pushed
my button. I used to be the best Iron Eyes Cody that was ever Iron Eyes Cody. Yes, I really think
I was. I was always built for action. I fell off horses so well. I got shot very beautifully. I
was always very graceful. I was always built for action but I never got the girl. No, I never got
the girl. I used to wonder why I never got the girl. Then they rewrote the script and I got the
girl by getting myself. I always fell off horses so beautifully.

 
(NOTE FOUND IN MURINE BOTTLE, HOLLY­WOOD,
CALIFORNIA, 2074.)

I watched while you
slept. Wouldn't you be more com­fortable sleeping on the other side? We want you happy, we want
you rested. We hope you'll stay tuned, we want you 100 percent refreshed. I'm your mattress
monitor and, as you have guessed, it's time to turn over. Yes, turn over. We want you to pass the
freshness test. We'll treat you like a guest. Roll over; you are done on that side. For your
resting convenience, we are very soft and very wide.

Roll over now;
we'll show you how. Do it now; don't delay. We want you at your best. You are our favorite guest.
We are the ones to count on to prepare you for a perfect day. Turn over; don't delay. We talk to
your kidneys; we are in constant touch. We hope you'll obey. We don't ask much. Failure to
comply, we make the kidneys let go. Repeat. Fail­ure to comply, we make the kidneys let go. Isn't
it better when the bed stays dry?

(NEURAL
TRANSMISSION BROADCAST SPON­SORED BY THE EXERCISE WHILE YOU SLEEP CITI­ZENS ACTION COALITION, A
LEISURE SERVICE OF THE NETWORK PRESIDENT'S ADVISORY COMMIS­SION ON NOCTURNAL
EMISSIONS.)

We don't like the
way the toilet flushes. It seems un­diplomatic. We wonder. Could its sound be put in harmony? Can
you change the rhythm, mute the gurgle, accentuate the flush? We only tell you this because you
are near and dear to us. We want your home sounding just right. We want you happy, day and night.
We don't want to mention it. We really hate to mention it. We hate to mention it but we count. We
measure. We are here to insure your utmost in living pleasure. We recommend prunes. We want to
see more of you here. You know the danger of becoming a stranger. Wipe away your gloom; let us
help you here in the bathroom. We tell you one thing our findings show—you
could come here more times than you wanted to go. Trust us
and change that flush.

(TOILET DISPENSER
BROADCAST, WORDS AND LYRICS BY AMERICA'S FOREMOST VIDEOPOET-JAMES DEAN. Remember we touch you
deeply.)

As you approach
sign-off, take comfort in the path of transmission. Remember as you travel through life, the
world has got you by the golden apples. Take comfort for your future is now, now and forever more
now. It is audio­visual. Stay tuned. For happiness the number to call is—. Ask for George or
Candy. Or both. We are glad you have chosen our lens as the one to look at. We are glad to see
you. Be as­sured we see you. No one ever dies. Repeat. Take comfort that no one ever dies.
Although the original telecast has ceased, we promise you shall live on in reruns and
syndica­tion. Take comfort in your longevity. Take comfort, we say. Channel Ten has picked up
your option. Your life will be continued as a children's program. The "Uncle Burping Buffalo
Show." We have signed F. Scott Fitzgerald to play the buffalo. Rejoice in transmission
everlasting.

(OFFICIAL FUNERAL
TELECAST OF FIRST DRUNKEN WOODEN INDIAN. THIS STATION IS PROUD TO CARRY THE INDIAN FATHER OF HIS
COUNTRY. "PERHAPS YOU HAVE SEEN HIS FACE ON THE NICKEL. HE'S THE ONE WITHOUT THE HUMP," SAID THE
HIRED FUNERAL COMEDIAN.)

Yes, we wrote you
as a book, saved you from 2075. Could you live without what we give? We tell you the truth. Don't
make us push your brain button. You believe in one-armed men. We made you whole and we don't like
that very much. We feel, your voice and image is wavering from our pur­pose. It is becoming soft,
muted. We want more lights on your face. Remember, we saved you as a representative of your race.
We monitor, we pray, and we teach. Are you try­ing to escape our reach? Why do you dream of 2075?
We
checked, we programmed, we wrote the
book. Be glad you're alive. Be glad you have 2074 just once more. You are the kingdom and the
book. Watch me dance on the silver screen. There are no words to confuse you. There are no
painful choices. No fear of right or wrong. There are no choices to confuse you. We offer you the
appeal of two words, fear and death. The fear of death. Do you know what we mean? WON'T YOU WATCH
US DANCE ON THE SILVER SCREEN?

(TAPED LIVE AT THE
HOUSE OF PERFORMANCE IN CALIFORNIA, COPYRIGHT REASONABLE PER­SUASION MUSIC CO., ALL RIGHTS
RESERVED, 2074 Music to be reasonably persuaded by.)

Remember we made
and remade every dream ever played and put them on the screen. We wrote the book. We asked
nothing of you, wanted nothing of you, programmed nothing from you. We came into your home. Did
you look? Don't make me ask you again. We don't want to push that button. We don't want to send
you to that place where lights close their tired eyes. Remember one-armed men carry imaginary
fists at the end of imaginary arms.

(THE PRECEDING
MESSAGE FED INTRAVE­NOUSLY TO GERIATRIC PATIENTS, CHANNEL, CODE, AND REVISIONS AS SPECIFIED.
REMEMBER THE MOTTO OF SENIOR CITIZENS PARIMUTUEL BETTING INC.-ONLY FOOLS BET AGAINST THE POOLS.
DON'T DIE WITHOUT PLACING A BET-YOUR TIME COULD BE OUR TIME-AND YOU MIGHT WIN YET.)

This is strictly
confidential, but I thought you'd like to know I've been watching you and your hormone count is
re­ally quite low. I hope you can correct this. I've watched you; I've programmed your text.
Biologically speaking, this monitor recommends sex. Please act accordingly. Your audience loves
you. Love them. Refill the lifely cup; we want to see your hormone production go up.

(THIS BROADCAST
IMPLANTED WITH YOUR NEVER-SLEEPS INTRA-UTERINE DEVICE. THIS TAPE WILL SELF-CORRUPT IN THIRTY
SECONDS.)

Was your voice
unsynchronized with the image? Was the meaning hidden, the lights too bright? It came out wrong.
It was not what we hoped. Believe me, it will not happen again. Buttons will be pushed, brains
will roll. Yes, we know we made an error; we have discovered error. Did we miscal­culate your
sex? Watch the screen. Watch the screen. See us rectify the errors. Remember editors make
mistakes. We wrote the book. We edited the movie for you. Be patient. If you've discovered a
mistake in the year 2074, consider it was put there on purpose. We try to put something in 2074
for everybody and some people are always looking for mistakes.

(THIS TAPE
BROADCAST ON THE EACH FIRST DAY OF THE SECOND COMING TIME OF THE GRAND AND GLORIOUS YEAR 2074.
THIS IS THE SEVENTY-SECOND BROADCAST OF THIS JOYFUL MESSAGE, BROUGHT TO YOU ONCE EACH 2074,
cour­tesy of the unemployed calendar-printers' union.)