Icon of the Indecisive (10 page)

Chapter 24

What did I want then?

First of all, I wanted this to stop. Whatever this was. And I wasn't going to wait for Quin to sort it out when I knew who was responsible for it. The original plan was to look for Vida Castillo, head on over to her house if I had to, and tell her that we were done. Whatever this little exercise was meant to prove, I was ready to just let her have it. Whatever it was.

But I didn't even get out the door. I remembered being in my room, changing my shoes...

And when I woke up, three hours had passed.

It was midnight.

I only knew it was midnight because my alarm clock had numbers that glowed neon green in the dark. They were all I could see, because everything else was a blur.

I was so sleepy. So so sleepy. 

And yet I knew it couldn't have been me. It was a fatigue that was sudden, and I knew this was about to happen to someone else.

Apparently I was sprawled on the floor, right in front of my shoe rack. I had been lying on my arm and vaguely felt that prickly sensation of circulation coming back to it. My cheek was flat on the parquet floor. So so sleepy.

I pushed myself up with my good arm and managed to roll the rest of the way up to a sitting position. It felt too fast for my head. The bed looked so inviting. And soft. And my head felt so heavy.

I needed to get my phone. It was in my pocket, and I wasn't in the right position to reach it. 

Grunt. How I got up on my knees I wasn't sure, but it took a lot out of me. My head sort of followed that arc and fell on the bed, and I let it stay there.

I wanted to close my eyes. For just a second.

My non-prickly fingers reached for my phone. Quin was on my speed dial.
 

"Help me. Again." I must have said. I wasn't sure.

In this space, she looks taller. She holds her shoulders up, in a firm yet feminine way. I can see strength all the way through to her spine, and in this space I see that she and I are the same height. She is not as frail as the Justin and Jessica imagine her to be.

"Marlee?" I call.

Being here doesn't confuse her. She looks more comfortable among the soft reeds of grass, the gentle breeze, the hills in the distance, than I am. 

Maybe she comes here often.

"I know you," she says. "From school."

"Yeah, I hang around," I say. "Marlee, do you know where you are?"

She pauses. "I'm home."

"Did you do anything different today?"

"I'm asleep. I'm usually asleep at this time."

"Do you use anything to help you sleep?"

Marlee nods, and I'm glad I don't have to drag it out of her. She is open, and this is why she seems fragile. "Yes. I have a prescription. I need it every night."

"Is there a reason why you would feel like you need more meds tonight?"

 Marlee thinks about it, and remembers a heartbeat before she answers. "I found out about Justin and Jess."

Her hand, her fingers, her entire arm shakes.
 

"Do you want to talk about it?" I've come closer, but not too close. Just enough to hear her.

"I suspected something about them," Marlee says, and her shaking fingers are brushing away tears. "But people always liked Jess more. She's just that way. I guess I have to learn to let go."

"Why do you think you should be the one to let go?"

"What can I do? I can't stand seeing them raise a child together."

"Maybe they won't. Raise the child together."

"Well they should," and she says it with so much pent-up anger.

"Is that what you want?"
 

As soon as I say it, I see her for who she is, and she is not a person who gets what she wants. All the time. She has always had to sacrifice, and forgive, and give in to the needs and whims and sins of others, and no one has ever asked her to just follow her own way.

She doesn't know what it means, yet.

"They need to be responsible," she says, bitterly. "They don't get to do this to me and get away with it. Jessica has lived like a brat all her life. And Justin...he deserves any pain he gets."

She's not going to mean that tomorrow, or next week, or a year from now. It's just the way it is. Or she'll just remember that she hates them but she'll move on, and they'll be stuck with their consequences. 

But I've learned from Robbie and I don't tell her this. I have to respect her pain.

"I'm sorry if it's not what you wanted to hear," Marlee tells me. "I try to be fair even when life isn't fair to me."

There is a history here, of parental neglect, and family struggles, and owing so much to her best friend's powerful family. It isn't entirely in my power
—most of it has nothing to do with romantic love—but this is the part of her that's speaking to me now. 

"I get it," I say instead. "It's okay to feel hurt. You have a right to be."

"I do?" She gives me a sad smile. "It's like the first time anyone's ever said that."

I feel useless, still. I want to take her pain away but I don't want to diminish it. I guess I don't have to do it right now. Not while she isn't ready.

What brought me back was Quin's eyes. They were just on me. Watching. Waiting. 

He didn't join me in my conversation with Marlee just then. Instead he kept me company in the car, parked in front of Marlee Manansala's house at 1 a.m. It was a townhouse, and a small one at that, and would probably fit comfortably in the family room with the high ceiling at Jessica Torres' house.

The other thing that brought me back was the townhouse subdivision security guard tapping on our window. The houses here were so narrow and close together that Marlee's neighbors weren't sure if we were parked there stalking
them
, and one of them called the guard at the gate.

Quin of course managed to convince him that we weren't burglars.

"How is she?" he asked. 

"Sucks to be her right now," I answered. "But I think I have to let her be."

"You can't save everybody."

"I thought that was the point of having a goddess of love."

"No, wait. You can't save everybody the same way. You're right to think that some people need time."

"I didn't get to help anybody in this project at all."

Quin shook his head. "This project isn't over."

"Whatever. Will you check if she's okay in there?"

"She won't die from sleeping pill overdose, if that's what you're worried about."

"Are you sure?"

"The dosage isn't enough, even if she takes everything she has. She'll be fine. The conversation you just had with her will probably set her mind at ease somewhat."

"It'll make me feel better if I at least get to see her. Will you help me? You can charm your way into that house, I know it."

Marlee's sister was surprised at the late visitors, but she let the college students she had never seen before into her home anyway. The tall guy had a nice smile.

She also allowed them to go to Marlee's room, and knock, and say hello to her, and didn't mind when the girl in the pink shirt picked up a small bottle of prescription meds on Marlee's night table and put it in her pocket.
 

"I'll make sure you get this tomorrow. But you've had enough for tonight," I said.

Marlee was drowsy and just said yes, thank you, good night.

Marlee's sister offered us drinks, but we said no.

I was grateful that Quin took the time to do this for me, but I said nothing as he drove my back to my aunt's house.

I was thinking of what else I could do in that eternal space thing.

He probably knew that. But he didn't say anything either, until he walked me to the door.

"Vida has you on a chain," he said.

"A what?"

"It's a trick she uses often on those who summon her. She puts them on a chain, drives them further into desperation, and only a decision of their own making releases them."

My hand went to my wrist, the same one that Vida had touched in that weird encounter we had months ago. There was nothing there now, that I could see. "Tell her to take it out."

Quin did not look happy about having to explain this. "I'm trying. But these things have a life of their own, so I can't promise you that I can make it stop right now."

"So I'm stuck with this? For how long?"

"Until you make the decision she wants you to make."

"It will only get worse, won't it? She'll make me experience everything. Not just harmless teen drama, right, but every insane thing that people do for love."

Vida never thought I could do this. All throughout she barely talked to me, and only did when she had to. Nothing I did would change her mind about me.

"I'm working on it," he said.

It seemed to me like that wasn't enough sometimes.

I had some of my own research to do then.

Chapter 25

”Hannah?" Jake asks me.

"Yeah it's me, Jake. Thanks for showing up."

"It's my pleasure. I just... I don't know where we are."

"You're home and safe, trust me. I just need something from you, if you don't mind."

"Anything."

"I need your memory of first seeing Kathy again."

He gives me the memory, and I spend the rest of the night studying it. And variations of it. Kathy and Neil are a big help too.

Kathy Martin, Jake Lalisan, and Neil Prado took the same World History (HIS 104) class in the first semester of freshman year. They didn't choose it, because freshmen didn't choose their classes. Instead, a computer assigned all freshmen to core subjects, distributing them to the different sections and teachers. Some students didn't take HIS 104 at all, because they were perhaps Asian Studies majors and automatically got HIS 102, or majoring in European languages and were given HIS 103.

A computer, as well as fate, decided that some people would be in Denise Cabral's World History class, the only class she taught that semester, her first year back from a sabbatical that she spent traveling and volunteering in slum areas and rural communities.

The twenty-four students in HIS 104-Cabral were all asked to write something on their first day in class. "Five Things You Might Not Know About Me."

Kathy Martin's #5:
Sometimes I think I'm invisible. I wish I weren't.

Jake Lalisan's #5:
I wish I could just look at something and see just the important stuff.

Neil Prado's #2:
It would be better if people just listened to me.

This was all she needed to start the process.

A fourth person was chosen by Quin Apolinario.

"You're not wearing your beach party clothes."

"I'm not going to party."

"That's sad. Get in the car."

I was directed to the front passenger seat of the sleek red car, while Vida Castillo took the driver's seat, and Denise Cabral stayed in the back.

I remembered to buckle up.

Vida started driving. She was already in a black bikini top and a red skirt, and yet she made
me
feel underdressed.

"I'm surprised that you called me, Hannah. Since I've already gotten an earful from Quin about you," Vida said, once we got on the highway.

"Some things I have to do for myself, I guess," I said, looking out the window. We were headed south, further south from Manila. We were on our way to the Batangas beach party. If I wanted to speak to her at all that day, she said, this was the only way to get the time.

"And I guess this means you know Denise?" Vida said, with a glance up at her rearview mirror.

I turned around and saw her leaning slightly against the door, also underdressed for the beach party in a simple tee and shorts. Denise Cabral, hands down the prettiest teacher on campus, everyone said so. She wasn't just that she had soft, shiny hair, or flawless skin, or that she looked slender and not a day over eighteen. She just carried herself in that way.

As if she, too, owned the universe. "Yes I do."

She was looking at me in a friendly way, and I wasn't sure if I should be smiling back. "It's nice to meet you, Hannah."

"What should I call you?"

"Denise is fine."

"I've been calling you Original Goddess."

Denise laughed. "That's funny. Quin said you're funny."

"That's hard to believe."

"So," Vida said, calling attention back to her. "You know a little more about what it takes to be one of us by now. Why did you want to see me?"

"I want you to stop whatever it is that's happening to me. I get it. Love is complicated, it hurts, people make dumb decisions."

"What you experienced is nothing compared to what you will have to go through if you become one of us."

"I know. I said I get it. But if you're not physically experiencing all this pain, then I shouldn't be too. I already know I'm not ready for this. What else do you need me to say?"

"Do you hear that, Denise?" Vida said. "She's not ready."

"She hasn't heard my argument," Denise said, and she leaned forward and grabbed my shoulder.

And I saw, heard, felt.

Denise's life flashed right before my eyes. It was a very long life.

It wasn't happy.

It had meaning, and it felt
important
,
essential
, but was punctuated with so much pain.

Some relief, and then more pain.

Regret like nothing I had ever felt.

Sadness that little joys couldn't redeem.

A conversation with a loving father.

Can't do this. Won't do this anymore.

You'll be back.

Then darkness, and silence. Several lifetimes.

And then someone, a young man.

I saw dancing. And the woman who was always old.

And then there was...hope?

Create before you destroy
, someone said.

I am certain.

I am calm.

I cannot be convinced otherwise.

I have found something worth the sacrifice.

And then there was me, as a girl, on the day I told my mother to let my dad go. Except it was not my memory but my mother's, and her heart, that day... It was hollow. I saw her hug me and she was holding on to me for her life, when I thought she was giving me comfort.

And me, again, on various other times, nodding, listening, hugging, telling people things, because people kept doing this to me, since I was a child. And as I nodded, and listened, and hugged, and told them things, I remembered none of the heavy crushing sadness or my role in alleviating it.

Me, doing this, while
Original Goddess was gone.

You've been attracting them, Hannah, because I was away. They sensed the void and they found someone new to call. This is what I need so I can pass on. Someone who can take this power and keep it safe.

Quin found you for me, Hannah. Will you help me...

I pulled my shoulder away and broke the connection.

"Do you understand what I need?" Denise, the Goddess of Love, asked me.

The car stopped. I looked past Denise and saw that we were in Batangas, where the party would be. I was lost in Denise's life for more than an hour.

"Talk about it in there. People are expecting me," Vida said.