I Wish You Were Mine (Oxford #2) (23 page)

“Wait, what?” Mollie asked, holding up her hand. “Whatever’s happening between Jackson and me isn’t about you, Maddie. If anything, you’re the reason that we—”

“Can you please drop the sweet-and-clueless routine for five minutes? I’m sure your reasons are all very pure and adoring, but I
know
Jackson, babe. Better than you ever will. And if he found his way into your bed, it’s because he was horny and figured he could get his rocks off and get back at me at the same time.”

Mollie shook her head. “You’re wrong. We care about each other. We’ve always—”

“Been best buddies, or whatever, I know, but you’re fooling yourself if you think he’s not messing around with you to get back at me.”

This was not the conversation she’d been practicing for. Mollie had been expecting to grovel, and instead she was on the defensive.

“Mollie.” Her sister’s tone was surprisingly kind. Suspiciously so. “I don’t want you to get hurt.”

“I won’t,” Mollie said automatically, still trying to catch up with her sister’s rapid mood changes.

“Christ,” Madison said, taking a huge sip of her wine. “I hate myself for not seeing this coming. All the signs were right in front of me….” She set her glass down before looking up and meeting Mollie’s gaze directly. “This isn’t going to end well. You know that, right?”

“You have every right to be upset. I knew you’d be mad. You should be mad.”

“Of course I’m mad,” Madison said, picking up her wineglass and staring at the pale liquid. “I’m mad, and hurt, and shocked. And all I can think about is going home for a good cry.”

Mollie winced.

“But I guess I’m not
that
shocked,” Madison continued. “I’ve always known you liked him. It used to kill me, and I didn’t know what to do about it. I mean, if I talked to you, it would come across as condescending, but I hated that you suffered in private.”

Mollie forced herself to meet her sister’s eyes. “I never wanted to want him. You have to know that.”

Madison waved a hand. “I do. Of course I know that. You don’t have a mean bone in your body, but Jackson…he’s always been your weakness.”

Mollie swallowed. “You know me well.”

“I do,” Madison said slowly. She reached across the table, her expression tentative. “I know Jackson well too, Mollie. And I know how charming he can be. I know how good it must feel when he seems to want you, but you have to trust me on this, Molls…this will not end well. For any of us.”

Mollie swallowed. There was a sureness in Madison’s tone and a confidence in the steadiness of her gaze that had Mollie’s heart pounding.

“I don’t know where we go from here,” Mollie said carefully. “I don’t know what happens next.”

Madison forced a smile and finished the rest of her wine. “Well, I think lunch is a bust—I vote we ask them to pack up our food. And maybe we should give each other some space. As far as you and me, I need some time to think. My head knows I’ll forgive you someday, but my heart hurts right now. Still, mistakes happen, and—”

“Hold on,” Mollie said. “I said I’m sorry this hurts you, and I’m sorry that the man I…care about is the same one
you
care about. But what’s between me and Jackson isn’t a mistake.”

“So are you guys, like, dating now?” Madison scoffed.

“No. I don’t know. It’s just…it’s more than a one-time thing. We’re seeing where it goes, and I just want—”

“You want what? My blessing? Do you want me to be maid of honor at your wedding? Give me a break, Mollie. That’s not going to happen.”

“What’s not going to happen, your blessing or my and Jackson’s wedding?”

“Neither!” Madison said, her voice rising again. “Mollie, I know you don’t want to hear this, but Jackson Burke is not looking for forever with you. You are his way of lashing back at me for my fling with Tyler and the other guys. Yes, I had lovers, and don’t you dare judge me, because you don’t know what it was like.”

“Would you quit with the whole Mollie-is-clueless routine? I may never know what your relationship with Jackson was like, but you don’t know what mine is like with him, and it’s…”

“It’s what?” Madison purred. “It’s different?”

“Yes,” Mollie said resolutely. “I don’t envy you navigating the world of dating a celebrity—of becoming one yourself. But Jackson’s not that guy anymore. The challenges you two had don’t apply to our life here in New York.”

“Your time with Jackson is a fraction of the time I spent with him. Don’t forget that.”

“Of course I can’t forget that! You think I don’t know that it’s early and complicated?” Mollie pleaded. “I know that better than anyone. But he makes me so happy.”

Madison said nothing.

Mollie’s eyes watered as she begged her sister to understand. “I love him, Maddie.”

Her sister’s blue gaze was cold as she sat back in her chair and stared at Mollie. “You
love
him? You don’t even know him, Mollie. Sure, you know the big brother Jackson, and you know that he’s fucking hot in bed, which I know too, by the way, but you don’t know—”

“Don’t tell me what I don’t know.” Mollie’s temper snapped. “Yeah, I wasn’t his first love, and yeah, he didn’t chase me for years. Yeah, we won’t share all the firsts that you guys had. But I think I know him as well as you ever did. Maybe better. Who do you think he talked to every night when you were out with your girlfriends on that stupid
Housewives
show? Who do you think he called for help picking out every Christmas gift? I may have been on the sidelines,
but at least I was there
.”

Madison’s perfectly shaped eyebrows arched. “You went from apologetic to being on the offensive pretty quick there.”

Mollie squeezed her eyes shut. “I know. I’m sorry. I’m
so
sorry, Madison. I feel torn between the two most important people in my life. And like I said, I don’t expect instant forgiveness, and I don’t expect your blessing. I guess I just…You deserve the truth. And the truth is that I love him. I want a future with him more than I’ve ever wanted anything.”

“In New York? A future with Jackson in New York?”

Mollie frowned. “Well, yeah. Where else?”

Madison studied her. “And where does Jackson stand on all this? Does he love you too? Does he want a future with
you
?”

Mollie flinched. Jackson’s silence on the whole thing was her Achilles’ heel, and she suspected her sister knew it.

Madison’s smile was cold and a little cruel as she crossed her arms on the table.

“You know how Jackson used to run to you and tell you all his secrets while he was married to me?”

Mollie swallowed dryly and nodded.

“Well”—Madison leaned forward even more—“guess what, sister darling. The tables have turned. Now he’s coming to
me
with all his secrets while he runs home to screw you.”

Mollie’s heart began to pound. “What secrets?”

“See, Molls, while
you
were busy falling in love, Jackson was busy trying to get his old life back.”

“What do you mean?”

“Jackson accepted a coaching job with the Redhawks.”

Mollie felt the blood leave her face.

“Oh.” Madison made a fake sad face. “Did he not mention it?”

No, he had not mentioned it. He hadn’t even mentioned that he
wanted
a coaching job, much less that he’d accepted one.

Mollie racked her brain trying to think of a reason. An excuse. An explanation. But she had nothing.

He’d had every opportunity to tell her. To confide in her. Instead he’d confided in
Madison
.

Mollie stopped breathing for a moment as the rest of the pieces fell into place.

“That’s right,” Madison said, her voice resuming its usual sugary tone. “The new job means he’ll be coming back to Texas. Jackson’s coming
home,
Mollie. That’s why he told me instead of you.
I’m
his home.”

Mollie struggled to breathe as Madison stood, pushing her hair over her shoulder. “You know, on second thought, I don’t think I have an appetite.”

She pulled a few bills out of her wallet and dropped them on the table as she walked by, pausing when she stood even with Mollie’s chair.

Her sister’s hand touched her shoulder gently. “I love you, Mollie. I really do. But I’m sure you’ll understand why I won’t be asking you to be my maid of honor again at my and Jackson’s second wedding. And sweetie…there
will
be another wedding.”

Jackson was just adding tomato to his massive turkey sandwich when he heard the front door open.

“Hey, babe,” he called, licking mayo from his thumb. “You eat? I can make another sandwich real fast.”

Mollie didn’t respond. When he glanced over his shoulder, he froze. Something was wrong. No, “wrong” didn’t even cover it. He didn’t think he’d ever seen someone as pale and angry as his girl looked right now.

He forgot all about the sandwich and moved toward her. “Mollie, what happened?”

“You’re moving to Texas?”

Jackson’s head snapped back as his heart seemed to stop beating.

Fuck.
Fuck
.
Fuuuucccccckkk!

How had she found out? The only people who knew were Coach, a handful of the guys, and…

God damn it. How the
hell
had he not seen that coming? He’d been so wrapped up in making sure Mollie didn’t tell Madison about them that he’d never once considered that Madison would tell Mollie about the job.

Jackson closed his eyes. “You talked to your sister.”

“Yeah, she’s in town,” Mollie said, dropping her purse to the floor with a careless thud. “Which I’m surprised you didn’t know, what with her being your confidante and all.”

Jackson fought down the surge of panic. “Mollie, look, I know how this must seem, but—”

“No, I don’t think you can possibly know how it seems, Jackson. I’ve been in absolute hell, trying to figure out how to tell my sister about this thing between us. And just when I finally manage to break it to her, I learn that the joke’s on me. That
I’m
the clueless idiot, not her.”

And there was the second blow: finding out that Madison knew about him and Mollie.

Jackson waited to feel something: guilt, relief, confusion. But his brain didn’t even seem to want to bother with that little fact. And his heart definitely didn’t. His heart was too busy sounding a red alert over the devastation on Mollie’s face.

“Why didn’t you tell me?” she asked, her voice breaking.

God
. He stepped forward, but she took a pace back.

“No, actually, you don’t have to answer that. I can guess why you didn’t tell me. Maybe you were putting it off, trying to figure out how to let me down easy. But
Madison
? Was all this talk about how she was dead to you a lie?”

“No. Of course not.” He rubbed a hand across the back of his neck. “But I didn’t know she’d even gotten involved until Coach told me.”

Mollie stilled. “So she did this without your involvement? Went behind your back to get you the job?”

His throat hurt at the sudden hope he saw on her face. For a horrible moment he wanted to lie to her—to make this all go away by telling her that the coaching job had been all Madison’s manipulation.

But when he opened his mouth to tell the fib, he found he couldn’t. He cared about her too damn much. She deserved the truth. And she deserved a man who was a hell of a lot better than he was. A man who would stand by her—one whose future didn’t involve a football field in Texas.

He couldn’t be that man. He wasn’t cut out for the life she wanted, with the parties and the Central Park walks and the suits. What place did a rough-around-the-edges cowboy have with a woman poised to pursue her Ph.D.?

He forced himself to meet her eyes. “I told her. That day she came into my office, I told her that I’d been talking to Coach. That I wanted the job.”

She bit her bottom lip so hard it turned white. “How long? How long were you trying to get back to Texas?” He said nothing, and she took another step back. “The whole time? This whole freaking time? Why did you even come to New York in the first place?”

“Coach didn’t want me,” he said gruffly. “No one did. Every last contact said that with my rep, I’d bring a bad name to the team, that the guys wouldn’t listen to me. That the media would be focusing on
me
instead of the players. I was NFL kryptonite.”

She closed her eyes for a moment. “And Madison was able to fix that for you. One phone call confessing her sins to Jerry, and you had your dream job.”

“Not my dream job,” he said before he could think better of it. “
Never
my dream job.”

She snorted. “Right. There is no dream job other than being a star quarterback, right, Jackson? That’s the only life worth living?”

“Don’t,” he commanded, angry now. “Don’t belittle my entire life.”

“Your entire
past
life. You had to have known it couldn’t last forever.”

“Of course I knew!” he shouted. “Doesn’t mean it didn’t hurt like hell when it was taken too early.”

“Fine,” she said, holding up her hands. “You wanted your football life to last a little bit longer. I can respect that, even if I don’t get it. But why not just tell me? All those late nights we spent talking?”

He held out his hands, feeling helpless. “I was trying to avoid this. I didn’t want to see that hurt in your eyes.”

Mollie lifted her chin. “Why? Why didn’t you want to hurt me?”

Jackson clenched his teeth. He wanted to snap that he wasn’t an animal—that he didn’t want to hurt anyone if he could help it. But he knew that wasn’t what she was asking. What she wanted him to say.

She was asking why he didn’t want to hurt
her
in particular.

He could tell her that he cared about her, and it would be the truth. But it wouldn’t be enough. Not for Mollie.

Mollie wanted love. It had been written all over her face last night. And while he could probably take the cheap out that they’d only been a thing for a few weeks, that wouldn’t be the full answer.

The full answer was that he didn’t believe in love. At least not the lasting kind that Mollie was looking for. Not after his disastrous marriage. He’d loved Madison Carrington with everything he had, and it had turned his life upside down in the worst possible way. He couldn’t survive something like that again.

His silence stretched on too long, and the hope in her eyes extinguished altogether.

“Do you still love her?” Mollie asked in a small voice.

“God, no,” he said savagely. “Is that what you think this is? That I’m still hung up on Madison?”

Mollie pressed her hands to her head. “I don’t know! I don’t know what to think! You guys were together for so long, and she says these things—”

Jackson reached for her again. “Forget her. This isn’t about her. I don’t know when it happened, but I want
you
. I want to figure out what this is.”

She stared at him in misery. “And yet you’re moving to Texas. You’re
leaving
.”

He closed his eyes briefly. He didn’t know what to say. He wanted them both. Mollie and the coaching gig. His old life back
and
Mollie.

Jackson swallowed. “Can’t we just…we can figure this out. Maybe try long distance, or…Fuck, I don’t know what you want me to say! Football’s been my entire life, Molls. You know that better than anyone. And this thing with us, it’s new, and—”

“It’s not new to me!” she shouted.

Jackson took a step back, unnerved by the blazing passion in her eyes. “What?”

“You’ve been seeing me as more than a friend for a few weeks,” she said. “I’ve been seeing you that way for
years
.”

He felt joy mingle with disbelief and panic. “Mollie—”

“Don’t,” she said wearily. “Please don’t tell me it was just a crush. I’ve spent most of my adult life trying to convince myself that it would pass, but it didn’t, and it hasn’t, and—”

Her voice broke off on a hiccup before she drew a deep breath and forged on.

“I’ve
always
been in love with you, Jackson.” Her shoulders lifted in a little shrug. “I love you.”

Her words tore through him, leaving Jackson feeling like someone had ripped his heart out. He’d suspected that her feelings had run deep these past few weeks, as his had, but she was saying…the whole time. The whole damn time.

Holy hell.

He couldn’t breathe. He didn’t know what to say.

He knew what he
should
say: that he loved her back. It was the expected response.

But he couldn’t.

Couldn’t risk that he and Mollie would end up like him and Madison. That he would lose her and go through the darkness again. Because if that happened, there’d be no Mollie to pull him out of it, and he needed her…he couldn’t risk losing her.

“Shit, Mollie—”

The fire in her eyes slowly faded to flatness. She shook her head tiredly as she bent to pick up her purse. “It’s okay, Jackson. My heart’s a
pro
at handling unrequited love.”

She headed toward the door, and he moved to stop her. “Don’t. Don’t go like this.”

“You know,” she said, spinning around, her eyes snapping with anger, “I should actually be thanking you for your whole secret Texas job. I think it’s exactly what I needed.”

“What do you mean, it’s what you needed?” he asked, already dreading her answer.

“We are
not
the
Schistosoma mansoni
worms. We are not mates for life, or even a year.” She lifted her chin. “You’ve finally given me exactly what I need to
get over you.
”

Mollie opened the door and was gone.

And by the time he heard the door close with a final click, Jackson was hit with a searing, awful realization.

He didn’t
want
Mollie Carrington to get over him.