I Unlove You (9 page)

“
I have something to tell
you,
”
she says, picking up a t-shirt and rolling it up into a
ball.
“
I wanted to tell you the other day, but
…”

“
Sure,
”
I say, glancing at her sullen face.
Looking at her fidgeting hands, she bites her lip and closes her
eyes.

Knees wobbling, I tense my fists,
an inner unease working its way up from the tips of my toes.
Stomach churning and breath short, I transform from a peaceful
state to a nervous wreck in an instant. Unblinking, I stare at her
and search for clues, both on her face and in my own mind. What did
I do? What did she do?

I
take a deep breath, and then another, my chest frantic and panicked
and aching already.
“
Sure,
”
I say again.
“
We can talk. Should we
go for coffee or get some food?
”
I continue, removing a shirt from
the rail and moving it further down the line.
“
We
’
ll actually be
early, because the average time people eat dinner these days is
seven-thirty-seven, which is pretty late when you think about it,
right? I always think of five o
’
clock as the average
dinner-time, or maybe six. But close to eight o
’
clock
seems crazy, but I suppose that
’
s the time we eat
most days. I mean, how often do we get around to it before
then
—“

“
It
’
s not that kind of
talk, Aus. Don
’
t
worry,
”
she interrupts.
“
Sorry, I should have
eased you in better than that. Are you okay? Do you need to sit
down?
”

Taking another deep breath, I walk over and grab her
shaking hand.
“
It
’
s fine. I
’
m fine.
You
’
re fine, right? I mean, you can tell me if something
isn
’
t fine
—“

“
I
’
m
pregnant,
”
she forces out, her entire body moving forward as she says
it.
“
I
’
m pregnant, Aus. You
’
re going to be
a daddy.
”

Frozen, I stare as her face settles and returns to the
state I
’
m so used to seeing: peaceful, beautiful, in
control.

I
’
ve imagined this moment so many times, but never
did I think it would feel like this. I pictured romantic holidays
and sunset beaches, a romantic trip to a favourite restaurant,
announcing and pronouncing something wonderful as the final coffee
arrives.

I
imagined asking
B
to marry me, her smile as she said yes. I pictured my
own smile the moment she would say,
‘
You
’
re going to be a
daddy, Aus.
’

I
’
ve written about this moment.
I
’
ve laid in bed whilst she slept next to me, excited to
spend my life with her; ecstatic to build our life together.
I
’
ve daydreamed and fantasised and mused over so many
special moments, and each time they centred around love and
happiness and a perfect feeling of ease.

It
never involved a dirty vintage shop. I never felt like this, cold,
shaken and queasy to the core. The future me has life figured out.
He has a career he
’
s passionate about.
He has purpose and knows what he wants; he doesn
’
t dwell
on yesterday and wonder about tomorrow. He lives in the moment,
because the present is perfect.

“
Are you going to say
something?
”
she asks, balling another t-shirt in her
hands.

Swallowing a breath, I attempt to smile.
“
Thirty
years-old,
”
I stammer, mouth dry, lips quaking.

“
Sorry?
”

“
That
’
s the average
age a woman gets pregnant in the UK.
”
I pause, unsure why I
said this. Unsure why I know it. Unsure why I
’
m allowed
to speak at all.
“
It actually hit thirty for the first time last
year
…”
I say, tailing off and folding my arms.

Puffing her cheeks, she breaks into a laugh, wrapping her
arms around my neck and pushing her head into my shoulder.
“
That
’
s good to know,
sweetie. That
’
s good to
know.
”

“
Wait, I don
’
t know
why I said that. I
’
m sorry.
”

“
It
’
s okay,
”
she whispers into my
ear.

“
What I mean
is
…”
I consider this, unsure what it is I actually mean.
“
Well
…
how long have you known? I mean, are you sure? Are you
okay? Is
…”
I remove her from my chest and look at her tummy.
“
What does
this mean?
”

Smiling, she holds my shaking hands and squeezes them
shut.
“
It means you
’
re going to be a
daddy, sweetie. An amazing one.
”
Moving her left palm to my cheek,
her warmth soothes me and melts my skin.
“
I
’
ve known for about a
week. Well, I suspected about a week ago. I didn
’
t know
for sure until I went to the doctors the other
day.
”

“
And everything is
okay?
”
I ask, keeping my gaze on her stomach.

“
Everything is fine. And
I
’
m sorry I didn
’
t tell you sooner. I
wanted to, but
…
I guess I panicked. I
’
m sorry.
”

“
No, don
’
t be sorry.
It
’
s fine. I
’
m sorry for reacting
like
…
that
.
”

“
You did better than I thought
you would,
”
she says, kissing my cheek.

I sigh and twist on the spot,
stepping towards the railing and running my hand through the wall
of colourful t-shirts.

“
What are you
thinking?
”
she asks.

“
That this is all a bit of a
shock. We use protection, so we
’
re supposed to
be
…
well, protected from this.
”
I close my eyes and shake my
head.
“
Sorry, I didn
’
t mean it to come
out like that.
”

“
It
’
s okay. It came as a
shock to me too.
”

“
But not now?
”

“
It
’
s still a
shock.
”

“
Then why do you look calm and
perfect, whereas I look like
…
well, I dread to think
what I look like.
”

“
You look
fine.
”

“
You
’
re such a bad
liar.
”

“
I think you
’
ll find
I
’
m a very good liar, mister.
”
Smiling, she steps
towards me and rubs her palm up and down my near-numb arm.
“
I
’
ve had a
few days to think about this, so I
’
m in a better place
about it now.
”

I
shake my head again.
“
I
’
m sorry you
’
ve had to do this on
your own,
”
I say, wrapping my arms around her and hugging her
close.
“
I should have been at the doctors with you.
I
’
m here now, though. I am. I
promise.
”

“
I know you
are.
”

“
We
’
re going to be
okay.
”

“
I know.
”

“
Yeah, we
’
re going
to be okay,
”
I say trailing off.
“
We are,
right?
”

“
Of course we will.
It
’
s not like we
’
re the first people
to get pregnant.
”

“
This is true. Jesus, why are
you always so calm?
”
I huff.
“
I
’
m the one
who
’
s pro-kids, not you.
”

“
I
’
m not
anti-kids,
”
she says, peeling her chest off mine.

“
You are a little.
”

“
I am not. I
’
ve just
never gotten all gooey-eyed over them. I will over this
one,
”
she says, cupping her firm and flat tummy, the same one I
kissed last night, oblivious to the fact a human rested inside it.
A human I helped create.

“
So, what do we
do?
”
I
ask.

“
What do you
mean?
”

“
Don
’
t we have to get a
scan or buy you a breast pump or something?
”

“
We don
’
t have to buy
anything for a while,
”
she says, chuckling to herself.
“
And we do
need to arrange a scan, but not for a few weeks. We
don
’
t have to do much of anything right now, other than
get our heads around it, which I think is more than enough,
don
’
t you?
”

“
I guess,
”
I say, sitting on the
same trolley she did a few moments ago, before the course of our
lives changed forever.
“
Have you told anyone
else?
”

“
Not yet.
”

“
Should we?
”

“
I guess. I
don
’
t think we
’
re supposed to tell
many people, but we need to tell my mum, and your parents,
and
…
well, I suppose we should tell Joseph.
”

“
Dear God, do we have
to?
”

“
We probably
should.
”

“
He
’
ll have a heart
attack.
”