I Unlove You (45 page)

Why
isn
’
t the curiosity there, or the longing for everything
in that folder to be wrong?

Have I let go of her? Am I ready to? I
’
ve lived
what feels like my entire life based around her, and us, and what
we would achieve together. I couldn
’
t possibly be ready
to move on after a mere few weeks. I can
’
t possibly be
ready to heal after a wound this deep.

“
Anyway, we have to be in Leeds
by ten, so we
’
ve plenty of time to
pre-game and listen to good music, which, might I add, Bright Eyes
and Damien Rice don
’
t achieve. Come on,
brother, this playlist is a decade old. Let it
go.
”

“
You love Bright
Eyes.
”

“
Correction, I loved Bright
Eyes. Many moons ago. But right now we need something uptempo, like
a little jazz or funk.
”

“
The music box is all
yours,
”
I say, motioning towards our old mixer.

“
Hell, yeah,
”
he says, springing to
his feet.
“
I
’
m excited about tonight. I know
we
’
ve had nights like these a thousand times before, but
tonight feels special. Dare I say, a change of
direction?
”

“
Don
’
t get too
excited.
”

“
I don
’
t know, I sense
my little Aus is back. My partner in crime. Are we back,
Aus?
”
he says, hovering over me and slapping my knees.
“
Are we
back? Are we back to rule the world like we
’
re destined
to?
”

“
Shut up.
”

Laughing, he turns and moves to the mixer, fiddling with
dials and turning up the volume.
“
We
’
re
back,
”
he says, louder.
“
We
’
re going to travel,
ruffle a few feathers, sleep with lots of insecure girls with
father issues, and corrupt the ones who don
’
t.
”
He spins and faces
me, that damn smirk spread across his cheeks.
“
I can
’
t wait until you
sleep with your first redhead. Redheads are straight up insane, and
guaranteed to make you question life.
”

“
How about we just go to a
gig?
”
I counter, holding back a smile.

“
You
’
re thinking about
it, aren
’
t you? You
’
re trying to picture
what she looks like.
”

“
Shut up.
”

“
You are, I can see it in your
eyes, you dirty devil.
”

“
Shut up, I
’
m nowhere
near ready for that. And I hate to spoil your fun, but I doubt I
will be for a while.
”

He
bites his lip and turns the volume down
…
another smirk.
“
Oh, man,
I
’
ve just realised, you
’
ve never properly
kissed another girl, have you?
”

“
Shut up,
Joey.
”

“
You haven
’
t,
though, have you?
”

I
screw up my nose and lower my chin,
“
No.
”

“
This is amazing. You get to
experience your first kiss again, and the first time you undress a
girl when you
’
re so drunk you
can
’
t tell she
’
s even a girl. And
the boobs
…
brother, there are so many different kinds.
Don
’
t get me wrong,
B
’
s
were pretty good,
but
—“

“
Shut up, you
idiot.
”

“
And the legs and smells, and
the quirky little traits they all have. Like how they each have a
unique bite, and the way they
…
you
know,
”
he says, angling his eyes to my thighs.
“
Brother,
you
’
re going to have a bloody ball. I
can
’
t wait for you to meet a Cassandra.
”

“
A Cassandra?
”

“
I
’
ve only met two
Cassandras in my life, and they were both crazy. Girls named
Cassandra are freaks, and I wouldn
’
t have it any other
way.
”

I
laugh.
“
Shut up. All I want to do is go to a
gig.
”

“
And you will, but
tonight
’
s only the beginning. My brother, I have so much
to teach you. So many tips to share. All these years
I
’
ve wanted to, but couldn
’
t, yet here we
are
…
a perfect team at last.
”

“
Tips? I don
’
t need
tips. You
’
re forgetting I
’
ve had sex plenty of
times before.
“

“
Don
’
t talk
nonsense,
”
he scoffs, sitting next to me.
“
What you were doing
with
B
all those years doesn
’
t count. You
were
making
love
, or whatever you want to
call it. It
’
s time for you to
have sex, which is a very different proposition
altogether.
”

“
You
’
re an
idiot.
”

“
Nope, you are, if you think
you
’
re equipped to make a girl scream and shout your name.
They expect you to take charge and be naughty and
do
…
stuff
.
”

“
Stuff
?
”

“
Oh, yeah. The kind of
stuff
they would never admit to wanting, and the kind of
stuff
that makes them blush, but trust me, they want it. If you
don
’
t give it to them, they
’
ll find someone who
will.
”

“
So, you
then?
”

“
Exactly.
”

I laugh again.

“
We
’
re going to have
fun. I
’
m excited for you.
”

“
You
’
re excited about me
having sex with nymphomaniacs?
”

He
stands again and walks back to the mixer.
“
Not just the sex.
About everything. About you being Aus again, and you living life.
Nothing about this last six months has been good, and
I
’
m proud you
’
ve got through
it.
”

“
I wouldn
’
t say
I
’
m over it.
“

“
I know you
’
re not,
but you
’
re getting there. I
’
m not saying
it
’
s a clear run from now on, but trust me,
it
’
ll get easier.
”

I
nod and smile, a genuine one. The type of smile I barely
remember.
“
I know.
”

“
And that bender of yours, as
bad as it was, will help.
”

“
Now you are talking
nonsense.
”

“
I
’
m not. You needed to
let loose and create unthinkable chaos. We all need those utter low
points in life, and we all need to disgust ourselves from time to
time.
”

“
Well, I certainly did
that.
”

“
You don
’
t just escape
hardship,
”
he says, leaning against the amp.
“
You need to push and
fight through it. It
’
s a battle, and
sometimes it gets dirty. Sometimes you get so filthy you
don
’
t think you
’
ll make it, and
sometimes you need to form a greater pain in order to overcome the
real agony.
”

“
And that
’
s what I
did, huh?
”

“
Oh, yeah. Better than most,
too.
”

I
sigh, shivering at the thought of the hangover and the torture that
seemed to last for days. Nothing but hazy snippets from those
dreaded days remain, cloudy memories that may be dreams, of me
huddled in a corner with a bottle in hand; or staring into the eyes
of someone I don
’
t know, and who
looked at me, pleading for help, sharing a pain of their own; and
tears
…
lots of fallen tears dripping down my
cheeks
…
tears I needed to shed and let go of, because, like Joey
says, maybe we overcome pain by punching a hole right through
it.

“
Did you ever find out what I got up to? I ask.

“
No,
”
he says, shaking his head as he
flicks through a stack of CDs.

“
You sure about
that?
”

He
stops for a second, unleashing that damn smirk once more.
“
I
’
m
sure.
”

“
I suppose some things are
better left alone,
”
I say, sensing my best friend knows more than
he
’
ll ever let on.

“
They say ignorance is bliss,
don
’
t they?
”

“
Who are
they?
”

“
Smart
people.
”
He chuckles.
“
Or ignorant people.
”

I
smile and nod.
“
I do appreciate you, Joe. I know I put you through a
lot those few days, and for the last few months. I
don
’
t know what I
’
d do without
you.
”

“
What sort of friend would I
be?
”

“
I mean it.
”

“
And so do I. Anyway, I kind of
owe you, don
’
t you
think?
”

I reply with silence, holding my
words on the tip of my tongue.