I Thought You Were Dead (24 page)
Read I Thought You Were Dead Online
Authors: Pete Nelson
On the other hand, he loved her.
He took a deep breath, held it, exhaled.
TamsenP:
you're still up.
PaulGus:
Working.
TamsenP:
on?
PaulGus:
Did you know that they once tracked a polar bear wearing a radio collar who walked 4,612 miles straight across the North Pole from the Beaufort Sea off Alaska to Greenland all by himself? They think he was looking for a mate.
TamsenP:
did he find one?
PaulGus:
One would hope so. What's new?
TamsenP:
i'm totally nervous. sheila called and told me she'd accidentally booked two gigs on the same night and she needs a substitute for one of them.
PaulGus:
When?
TamsenP:
december 5. i think she has to sing at a christmas party. with just a piano player. that means i'd get to sing with her band. she thinks one or two rehearsals is all i need. i know the songs, so we just have to set up the intros and out-tros and decide what keys work for my voice.
PaulGus:
You'll be great.
TamsenP:
i feel like we haven't talked in way too long. what's been going on? how are you holding up?
PaulGus:
I'm okay. One day at a time.
TamsenP:
i've been thinking about you a lot.
PaulGus:
All good thoughts, I hope.
TamsenP:
all good. how is your father?
PaulGus:
Hard to tell. About the same.
TamsenP:
did you tell him about stella?
TamsenP:
still there?
TamsenP:
you've been avoiding me. what's wrong?
PaulGus:
I'm sorry.
TamsenP:
just be honest with me.
PaulGus:
I'll try.
TamsenP:
i'm going to hang up and call you.
PaulGus:
I'd really rather not.
TamsenP:
we need to talk in person, paul. not like this.
PaulGus:
I prefer this. This is safer.
TamsenP:
i'll call you tomorrow then.
PaulGus:
Are you breaking up with me?
TamsenP:
if you don't want to talk in person tonight, then i'll call you tomorrow.
PaulGus:
Are you breaking up with me? Please answer the question.
TamsenP:
i'm not going to let you keep your distance like this. we have to
talk
. in person. voice-to-voice if not face-to-face.
PaulGus:
I have to go.
He got off-line, turned off his answering machine, poured himself a drink, went out onto the porch, and then listened to the phone ring and ring. It stopped after sixteen rings. A minute later, it rang again, this time for thirty-four rings. When he thought it was safe, he went back inside. He realized his head-in-the-sand approach wasn't going to work for very long. He realized his head-in-the-sand approach wasn't actually working now. He knew what was coming. He'd known it since Stella died. He'd been horrible to Tamsen ever since, and now the cows were coming home to roost, as his mother might have said.
He logged back on, briefly, to see if Tamsen had sent him an e-mail. Immediately she interrupted him with an instant message.
TamsenP:
are you okay?
PaulGus:
I'm fine.
TamsenP:
have you been drinking?
PaulGus:
A little.
TamsenP:
a little?
PaulGus:
More than a little.
TamsenP:
can we talk on the phone?
PaulGus:
No.
TamsenP:
why won't you let me call you?
PaulGus:
This way we can't say things we don't mean. Or blurt things out accidentally. I want to be able to read this later. I'm not feeling particularly sharp right now.
TamsenP:
this is not the way to do this.
PaulGus:
Do what? Are you breaking up with me?
PaulGus:
Hello? Still there?
TamsenP:
i'm sorry. yes. i don't think we should see each other. i think you've probably been thinking the same things i've been thinking. i think it's evident that something is wrong between us. and i think i should have said
something a long time ago but i let it go on too long and i shouldn't have done that.
PaulGus:
I was thinking earlier that I'm not ready for a relationship. The problem is, I can't learn how to be in a relationship again without being in a relationship again. But that's not your job.
TamsenP:
emotionally and spiritually, there's so much that you already are and so much you could become. you're very giving. i could see that every day in the way you treated stella. you're extremely loving when you let your guard down. but it's like when you're with me, instead of opening up, you go back inside yourself. you opened up at first and that's what i responded to, but then ⦠i don't know what happened, but i felt like you turned into the sort of little kid who runs up to his room when he's upset, hoping mom or dad will come get him. when i love someone, i want the other person to hold their position and not run away. you can't make people chase you. maybe you're just too afraid of being hurt. i'm afraid of that too, particularly when i think of how my marriage failed. i so don't want to fail again, or hurt that much, or hurt someone else. everybody is afraid, but you can't just give someone glimpses of yourself to see if they like it and then hide. you have to stick your neck out a little and give your whole self, 100 percent. you have to bet everything, even when it would be safer to hold back. you can't keep parts of yourself secret, thinking, “if i get rejected, it won't hurt so much because they don't know the real me.” it's also as much my fault for thinking we could limit ourselves. that was stupid of me. my thought at first was that we were just going to be friends, and then i thought, “okay, maybe we can be friends who can kiss each other and mess around a little bit,” but it just kept getting more and more involved. i should have known i couldn't
keep talking and talking to you and feeling like we were getting closer and closer without wanting to go further and further. that's what attraction is. it doesn't happen in the eyes. it happens in the heart. but it was unfair and weak of me not to say something when i felt myself pulled in the other direction. i haven't lost faith in you, even though i'm sure that's what you think. i've seen you do some stupid things, like when you lied to me. that was hard to get over. and i've noticed how somehow we always end up talking about you and your problems when you're not the only one who's got âem, but i can also see through all that because if you weren't also a great guy, believe me, i would have walked away a long time ago. i believe in you more than i've ever believed in anybody. but i also think this relationship is getting in the way of your becoming the person you could be, and that makes it wrong to continue.
PaulGus:
You wrote that out before you got online, didn't you?
TamsenP:
i was writing out my thoughts earlier, yes.
PaulGus:
I can't exactly argue you into staying with me, can I?
TamsenP:
i'm so sorry. i shouldn't have strung you along.
PaulGus:
I don't see it that way. Can I ask you a question?
TamsenP:
what?
PaulGus:
Has something changed in your relationship with Stephen?
TamsenP:
that's a separate issue.
PaulGus:
Not really. I see it as losing to the competition.
TamsenP:
that's not the way it is.
PaulGus:
But you can see how I might feel like it is.
TamsenP:
i can see that, yes.
PaulGus:
So just answer the question and tell me the truth. The thing I've always liked best about us is that we've always told each other the truth. I'd hate to see that change, even under the present circumstances.
TamsenP:
yes, things have changed.
PaulGus:
How so?
TamsenP:
they continue to evolve.
PaulGus:
Don't be coy, please.
TamsenP:
stephen asked me to marry him. paul, i would never have told you that this way if you'd given me a choice.
PaulGus:
What did you say to him?
TamsenP:
i said yes.
PaulGus:
Congratulations. When's the wedding?
TamsenP:
january 8.
PaulGus:
That's Elvis's birthday.
TamsenP:
i don't want you to joke right now.
PaulGus:
I'm not joking. That really is Elvis's birthday.
TamsenP:
that's not what I mean.
PaulGus:
My hands are shaking. Hang on.
TamsenP:
hello?
PaulGus:
Are you moving to California?
TamsenP:
that's the plan.
PaulGus:
When?
TamsenP:
not sure. next summer maybe. maybe sooner.
PaulGus:
His ex and his kids too?
TamsenP:
yup. they're going after the holidays. we've all met each other, so it looks like we'll be one of those complicated extended families.
PaulGus:
Maybe I'll move to Greenland. It's only 4,612 miles by foot.
TamsenP:
you'll find someone.
PaulGus:
Just don't say that, okay? Just don't.
TamsenP:
all right. you didn't do anything wrong, you know. and i know you're going to focus on the sex but that's not it either. let me repeat that: THAT'S NOT IT EITHER. that had nothing to do with it.
PaulGus:
If you say so.
TamsenP:
paul.
PaulGus:
I love you.
TamsenP:
i know. i love you too.
PaulGus:
No phone calls.
TamsenP:
i think not. it just makes it harder.
PaulGus:
So we'll never see each other again?
TamsenP:
i don't know. i have to go now.
PaulGus:
Don't.
TamsenP:
it's late.
PaulGus:
I love you.
TamsenP:
i know.
PaulGus:
Okay.
TamsenP:
you will be all right. i know that.
PaulGus:
If you say so.
TamsenP:
i have to go. logging off.
PaulGus:
Tam?
PaulGus:
Tam?
PaulGus:
Are you there?
When
T
he leaves turned yellow and orange and red, then dropped from the trees. The wind blew the leaves up and down the streets of Northampton, past the Smith girls wrapping themselves in more layers of clothing each day, past the black-clad crow babies furtively slipping one another controlled substances in shadowed doorways, past the sidewalk glad-handers and street-corner preachers, past the shopkeepers eyeballing and thumbnailing their storefront windows in advance of Christmas, past the cars with their bumper stickers, past the houses and the factories, and out into the autumn landscape. The November rains fell as if they would never stop, and the roads turned slick and sharkskin shiny. The days grew short, and the nights long, as the stars slowly wheeled into their winter positions. Paul worked, ate, slept, went to movies, went to bars, and stuck to his routine, even though he now knew, for the first time in his life, that it was exactly that, sticking to his routine, that had gotten him precisely nowhere, or less than nowhere, really, because he felt as if he had fallen into a deep hole from which he would never escape.
He didn't know where to turn, until one night.
PaulGus:
Hey, Dad. This is your son Paul. Remember me?
HarrGus:
YES
PaulGus:
Did Mom tell you I'm coming home for Thanksgiving?
HarrGus:
YES
PaulGus:
How are you feeling today? Better?
HarrGus:
YES
PaulGus:
I'm not so good myself. There was a woman I was seeing, Tamsen, but she lived in Rhode Island and the long distance thing wasn't working, so we broke up. There was actually more to it than that.
HarrGus:
YES
PaulGus:
I really feel like quite a failure. She was the first person I'd seen since the divorce. The only person. She was really special. I let it slip through my fingers.
HarrGus:
YES
PaulGus:
I feel like I need to change things. Get a job. Move, maybe.
HarrGus:
NO
PaulGus:
What do I do, Dad? I feel like I'll never be happy. I don't know what to do. I can't function like a normal person. I can't fix it alone, and unless I fix it, I can't get someone else to help me. Isn't it ironic?
HarrGus:
YES
PaulGus:
Tamsen tried but I could tell how frustrated she was getting. It's supposed to be fun. Not work. I could tell her how I felt but I couldn't show her. It was only a matter of time. I don't think I've ever been this down. It's really quite hopeless.
PaulGus:
I know what you'd say if you could talk. I'm trying to be honest with myself, but I feel like I can't see things clearly. I'm really lost.
PaulGus:
Dad?
PaulGus:
You still there?
HarrGus:
Q
PaulGus:
Q?
PaulGus:
Are you there? Somehow instead of Yes or No I
received the letter
Q.
I think there may be something wrong with the
HarrGus:
U
HarrGus:
I
HarrGus:
T
PaulGus:
Quit?
HarrGus:
D
HarrGus:
R
HarrGus:
I
HarrGus:
N
HarrGus:
K
HarrGus:
I
HarrGus:
N
HarrGus:
G
