I See You (18 page)

H
annah came to, cradled in her husband’s arms. He was shaking her. His face loomed over hers, his gaze frantic.

‘Hannah, are you all right?’ he demanded. ‘Talk to me.’

Hannah nodded and swallowed hard. ‘Let me go,’ she whispered.

He released his hold on her except his steadying grip under one of her arms. Awkwardly, she scrambled up from the floor and sat down on the sofa. She didn’t dare try to stand up. She felt as if she would topple over if she did so. There was a spatter of dark red droplets across the rug beneath the corner of the table.

Adam pushed himself up and sat down beside her. He pulled a handkerchief from his pocket and dabbed at the blood which had run down Hannah’s face from her scalp wound.

‘Ow,’ she exclaimed.

‘Does that hurt?’

‘A little,’ Hannah admitted.

‘Maybe I should take you to the ER.’

‘Forget the ER. I won’t go.’

‘You were out cold for a few seconds.’

‘From shock,’ she said, probing her cut scalp gingerly with her fingers. ‘Not from this.’

‘Are you sure?’ he asked.

‘Absolutely. I was trying to obliterate everything that happened in the last hour.’

‘It didn’t work,’ he said.

Hannah glanced at the innocuous-looking pile of letters scattered on the coffee table in front of them. ‘How could it?’ she said. Then she raised her hands and covered her eyes and her face.

Adam closed his eyes too, and they sat that way for a few minutes, knees touching, their breathing loud in the quiet room.

When Hannah removed her hands from her face, there were tears running down her cheeks. Some of the tears mixed with the blood and formed a spidery red pattern along her chin. She looked hopelessly at her husband.

‘Do we need to open the others?’ she asked.

‘I already know everything I need to know,’ he said.

‘So do I,’ said Hannah, and she let out a sob.

Adam massaged her bent spine absently with his open palm. Hannah rubbed her eyes with her fists, as if she could somehow grind away the sight she had seen. It was no use. The words were now in her brain, frozen there forever.

‘Lisa cannot be allowed to be around Sydney. Never again,’ he said, and his voice was shaking.

Hannah nodded. ‘No. Obviously not.’ Of all the heartbreaking things she had faced in recent months, this was the worst. ‘I … I can’t comprehend it.’

‘Truly,’ he said.

Hannah shook her head and kneaded her forehead which was beginning to throb. ‘I just cannot believe this. Adam, what should we do?’

‘I don’t know. I feel like I don’t ever want to set eyes on her again.’

‘We can’t tell anyone about this.’

‘Why would we want to?’ he cried.

‘We can’t, that’s all.’

‘Because we’re ashamed?’

‘Well, I am ashamed. Aren’t you?’ she countered.

‘That’s the least of my concerns.’

‘But do we want this all over the papers? All over the news?’

Adam looked at her in disbelief. ‘Are you worried about Lisa’s reputation? Isn’t it a little late for that?’

Hannah shook her head miserably. ‘I can’t deny that I dread facing that. Every reporter saying that about Lisa. Even if it’s true. But that’s not it. I’m worried about Sydney finding out. I don’t want her to ever know that her mother was willing to …’

‘Pimp her out. A toddler,’ said Adam bitterly. ‘That’s what it is, isn’t it? It would serve Lisa right if we marched down to the police station and handed them these letters. Let them take over. I’m not sure if she’s actually committed a crime but she certainly intended to.’

‘I know. I know. I just …’ said Hannah. ‘I just keep wondering what is wrong with her? How could we not have known this? Could we have prevented it? Was it our fault somehow?’

‘Our fault?’ he demanded. ‘She certainly didn’t learn that depraved behavior around here. I don’t know what’s wrong with her. Maybe she is a mental case – a psychopath – just like your friend said.’

‘I don’t know,’ said Hannah miserably. ‘I would never have believed … in my wildest dreams … that our own daughter could ever think of such a thing. It’s just … it’s too terrible to take in.’

‘Well, we have to take it in,’ said Adam, ‘because in less than two months she will be free and on her way home to take her daughter from us. And she’ll be free to carry out her disgusting plan.’

‘Can we stop her, short of calling the police?’

For a few minutes they sat in silence, each one contemplating their miserable options. Adam broke the silence.

‘Hannah,’ he said, ‘we have to seek custody.’

For one brief, despairing moment, Hannah thought about starting the process that lay ahead of them. Wresting custody of her grandchild away from her daughter. It was not what she would have chosen. But Sydney was innocent and, as unthinkable as it was, she had to be protected from her own mother. ‘I know,’ she said.

‘We will have to seek legal custody of Sydney. Lisa can’t be allowed to visit her unsupervised. We have no choice. And we have to do it right away.’

Hannah nodded. ‘Of course. You’re right,’ she said.

‘I suppose we need to find an attorney,’ he said.

‘Wait, Adam, wait. Let’s just talk about it. When all is said and done, it’s Lisa. No matter what she’s done, she’s still our daughter.’

Adam looked at her impatiently. ‘Meaning what? We should just pretend we don’t know what she was planning?’

Hannah shook her head. ‘No. I don’t mean that.’

‘Don’t pretend that her intentions aren’t as clear as day. And don’t ask me to forgive her. Please, don’t do that. I’m sick to my stomach as it is.’

Hannah put her hand on his, as if to stay his anger. ‘I’m just thinking that we might avoid the whole public spectacle, for Sydney’s sake. Maybe we can make Lisa listen to reason. Let’s go and see her.’

‘I don’t think I can stand the sight of her,’ he said disgustedly.

‘Adam, listen. We have to at least talk to her first. If she finds out that we know about these letters, maybe she will be willing to just give us custody to avoid all the attorneys and the judicial circus.’

‘Oh, no. Quietly is one thing but if we do this, it all has to be legal,’ he said, wagging a finger at Hannah. ‘Every “t” crossed, every “i” dotted. I don’t want Lisa to be able to say that she changed her mind, or that she doesn’t have these … appetites anymore,’ he said, angrily brushing the letters onto the floor. ‘I’ll never trust her alone with that child again.’

Hannah shook her head, and her heart ached so badly that she felt as if a heart attack was imminent. ‘No. Me neither,’ she said.

‘Oh my God, it’s so sick!’ he cried.

‘I know,’ Hannah whispered.

Again they were silent, prisoners of all they now knew.

Finally Adam spoke. ‘Maybe you’re right,’ he said thoughtfully. ‘If we lay it out for her, she’ll have no choice but to capitulate. It’s that, or face more charges. And we can remind her that it won’t change anything that much. We’ve virtually had sole custody for months now.’

‘That’s what I’m hoping. And as hard as it is to turn my back on Lisa, we have to think of Sydney. She’s all that matters now. Her safety.’

‘Amen,’ he said.

‘So, you agree. We should try to talk to her?’ Hannah asked.

‘I suppose so,’ he sighed.

‘Should we go now?’ Hannah asked him, afraid of the answer.

‘It’s not going to get any easier,’ he said.

They were able to let Lisa know that they were coming. Because she was on work detail in the laundry, she was not allowed to come to the phone. But the operator who answered the phone promised to relay the message to her through a guard. Hannah and Adam looked at one another, and each saw anxiety and determination in the other’s eyes.

‘Let’s go, before we lose our will,’ said Adam. Hannah nodded agreement.

They were silent on the drive to the county jail, which was located in a dry, gray brown field at the edge of a commercial strip outside of the city. The drive took about forty minutes. Although Hannah looked out the window the whole way, she saw nothing. She could not have described the passing landscape if her life depended on it. In her mind’s eye she was seeing her daughter. Lisa at four, on the swings. At ten, riding her bike, at fourteen, graduating from high school, a fragile child among her older classmates. She had been strange – yes. Strange because she was so much smarter than every other classmate and yet was too young to be included in their senior year privileges and hi-jinx. But when it came to a social life, Lisa was impatient with kids her own age, and found their concerns juvenile. She was often isolated. Hannah had sought out counseling for her, and she and Adam had done their level best to reassure her that she was special, gifted, lucky. A million times Hannah had allayed her own anxieties by telling herself that it would all level out for her in the end, and she would find her social niche.

Lisa’s pregnancy had come as a shock, and she was five months along when Hannah noticed her expanding belly, and Lisa finally admitted to it. Hannah had always suspected that some older boy had forced himself on her, at one of the intercollegiate brainiac competitions she sometimes attended in other cities. But Lisa refused to accuse anyone, and insisted that she wanted to keep her baby, even though Hannah and Adam knew full well that she was not yet capable of being a mother. They had always agreed that they would help her. They just never realized that they would be Sydney’s sole custodians a mere two years after she was born.

Adam pulled through the brick gateway topped by sharp-edged wire mesh and drove up the long driveway leading up to the prison. He turned and glanced at Hannah. ‘We have arrived,’ he said.

She nodded grimly. ‘Let’s just face it.’

Lisa was sitting with her back to the door when they arrived at the visitors’ room. DCDOC, standing for Davidson County Dept. of Corrections, was emblazoned on the back of her prison jumpsuit. Hannah immediately recognized Lisa’s mass of dark, unruly curls.

They walked around the table and stood there. Lisa looked up and her eyes behind her glasses lit up at the sight of them, and then, immediately, her gaze became wary. Hannah could not help herself. Despite all she knew, her heart went out to her child, who was now a prisoner in this godforsaken facility. She bent down and kissed her daughter awkwardly on the cheek. Adam remained standing, his arms crossed over his chest.

‘Dad?’

‘Hello, Lisa,’ he said.

‘Can we sit down?’ Hannah asked.

Lisa waved a hand indifferently. She was studying her father’s stony face. Adam pulled out a chair for Hannah then pulled out the one beside her for himself.

Lisa looked at them ruefully. ‘You took your time getting here. I thought you’d never come.’

Hannah avoided her daughter’s gaze. Adam stared back at Lisa steadily, unsmiling. ‘This is not a social call,’ he said.

For a moment Lisa looked taken aback. Her parents’ support, no matter what, had been a constant in her life. She stared at them, puzzled, trying to make sense of the change in their attitudes. ‘What is this? You look like you’re here to scold me.’

‘Not exactly,’ said Hannah quietly.

‘Well, what’s the matter, then?’ Lisa demanded. ‘Is this about the trial? You were the one who was telling me how happy I should be because we won. Remember? And if this is about the check, I told you, Troy gave me that money. No matter what that jury believed, that’s what happened. I thought my own parents would believe me.’

‘No, Lisa,’ said Hannah. ‘Stop. It has nothing to do with that.’

‘Just for the record,’ said Adam, ‘I don’t believe you. Not about the check. Not about Troy.’

Hannah gave him a warning glance. ‘Adam, please don’t,’ she said.

‘Thanks a lot, Dad,’ said Lisa, pushing her glasses back up on the bridge of her nose. ‘I really appreciate that. So why the hell did you bother to come?’

Adam’s eyes flashed angrily but he did not reply.

‘We have to talk to you about something,’ said Hannah.

Lisa looked from one to the other with narrowed eyes. ‘What?’

Hannah folded her hands on the worn tabletop which separated her from her daughter. ‘It’s about Sydney.’

Lisa did not ask if there was anything amiss with her daughter. ‘What about her?’ she demanded.

Hannah took a deep breath and looked down at her folded hands. Before she could speak, Adam blurted out, ‘We want you to give us sole custody of her. Legally.’

Lisa’s eyes widened in anger. Then she looked from her father to her mother, as if challenging Hannah to refute what Adam had just said. ‘Is that true?’ she asked. ‘Is that why you’re here?’

Hannah nodded.

‘I’m in jail for two months and you want me to give up my rights to my child?’ she asked mockingly.

‘We are worried. We have good reason,’ said Hannah, her voice trembling.

‘Why would I do that?’ Lisa demanded. ‘That’s ridiculous.’

Adam reached into the breast pocket of his jacket and pulled out the letters from the post-office box. He set them down on the table as if they were explosive.

‘Because we have these,’ he said.

‘Adam, wait,’ said Hannah, worried that he was moving too quickly with Lisa.

Lisa stared at the letters on the table. ‘What are those?’

‘They came from your post-office box,’ said Adam calmly.

Lisa blanched. ‘What? How did you …?’

‘Does it really matter how?’ he asked wearily. ‘We have them. That’s all that really matters. We just need you to agree to give up your rights to Sydney.’

Lisa did not pretend that she didn’t know about any post-office box. She picked up one of the letters, almost curiously, and then tossed it aside. When she looked up at her father, her eyes were hard and glittering. Her face was frozen into an expression of contempt. ‘Oh, I don’t think so,’ she said.

H
annah searched her daughter’s face for some sign of guilt or embarrassment. There was no shame in Lisa’s eyes. No regret, or even uneasiness. Simply defiance. ‘Lisa, we’ve read these letters. We know … everything,’ said Hannah.

‘So let me get this straight. You broke into my post-office box?’ Lisa asked. ‘That’s a federal crime, isn’t it?’

Adam’s jaw sagged as if she had punched him. His hands were balled up into fists, and he was shaking. ‘You have the nerve to talk to us about a crime?’

Hannah spoke sharply in a low voice to her daughter. ‘Look, your father is right. We know that you have been soliciting men to have … I can’t even say it. It’s too disgusting to even say it. When I think of what you were suggesting about your own baby. Please, have the decency to be ashamed of yourself.’

Lisa turned and looked at her mother earnestly. ‘Mother, I never meant for you to know about this. I knew you wouldn’t understand.’

Hannah gasped. ‘Understand? What is there to understand?’

‘All right, look. I’m not unaware of what the world thinks about … unusual sexual tastes. I get it. But you need to try and expand your way of thinking a little bit. I’m not like you. I’m sure you two have done everything the same in bed for twenty years. That may be OK for you but it’s not for me. Besides, I don’t want to hurt Sydney. I wouldn’t allow anyone to hurt her. I was very specific about that in my ad. I want her to enjoy it.’

‘Oh, for Christ’s sake,’ Adam gasped.

‘You know that what you are talking about is a crime,’ said Hannah. ‘A heinous crime.’

‘I’m talking about pleasure,’ Lisa insisted. ‘Excitement.’

Hannah closed her eyes. ‘Don’t say another word, Lisa. This conversation cannot continue.’

Lisa looked vaguely affronted. ‘You’re the ones who brought it up. I’m only trying to explain. You’re insisting on an explanation.’

Adam gripped one hand over his other fist, as if to prevent himself from reaching up and striking her. ‘We don’t need any explanations, Lisa. I don’t know how you turned into this … this … abomination. It doesn’t matter.’

‘I’m the same person I always was,’ she insisted. ‘What happened to your great love for me? That’s all I ever heard growing up. How much you loved me.’

Hannah stared at her daughter as if from a great distance. Lisa made it sound like it had been a burden to constantly hear that she was loved. Was she, in fact, the same as she had always been? How was it possible that they had lived with Lisa, loved her all these years, and seen no flashing lights, no warning bells of danger dead ahead? Hannah had felt only a tremor of unease now and then, and told herself it was because her daughter was smarter than other children. And therefore unpredictable, and sometimes lonely. Hannah thought of her as special. Unique. ‘Believe it or not, I still love you. I still do.’

Lisa snorted. ‘You’ve got a strange way of showing it.’

‘You’re our daughter, our only child, and we’ll always love you.’

‘Speak for yourself,’ said Adam. ‘I’m so disgusted, I don’t think I ever want to see you again, Lisa.’

Hannah shook her head. ‘Adam, don’t say that. Your father and I are angry. Furious. But we are not doing this to try to hurt you. We just can’t let you go near Sydney ever again. Not alone. Not ever.’

‘And I’m supposed to do whatever you say? Just accept that you know what’s best for Sydney?’ Lisa demanded sarcastically. ‘Like you did for me?’

Hannah exchanged a bewildered glance with Adam, both of them shocked by Lisa’s accusation. Is this lack of a conscience in Lisa the result of our parenting? Hannah wondered. We raised her the best way we could, with all the love and attention we could muster, and now, here she sits, in jail, defending her perverted desires. ‘Lisa, it’s common sense,’ Hannah said, almost gently. ‘Common decency.’

Lisa curled her lip scornfully. ‘You’re right about the common part,’ she said. ‘You are both so … dull. So … middle of the road. Well, for your information, Sydney is my child. She doesn’t have to share your values. Did it ever occur to you that she might share mine? She might actually benefit from the choices I make for her?’

Hannah looked at her daughter as if she were seeing her for the very first time. As if she were a total stranger. ‘When you took up with Troy, Lisa, you knew that he’d been accused of … interfering with a child. You knew that when you went out with him, didn’t you?’

Lisa rolled her eyes and leaned back in her chair. ‘Wow, you’ve got a lot on your mind today.’

‘Didn’t you?’

‘Yes, I knew. Some nurse out where Grandma lives told me about him. She told me what he had been accused of. I found that interesting. I thought he and I might have some interests in common. But it turned out that he wasn’t into children after all,’ said Lisa. ‘In fact, he was just like you two. Very indignant about the whole idea.’

Hannah stared at her. ‘You offered Sydney to Troy?’

Lisa shook her head. ‘I suggested some things we all might enjoy. He went ballistic. He threatened to tell them at the medical school. He said they would kick me out if they knew. You know, you’d think, after what happened to him at that camp, that he wouldn’t be so free to go around accusing people. Besides, it was ridiculous. That was between us. It was our private business.’

‘You killed him, didn’t you?’ Adam said flatly.

Lisa looked at him defiantly. ‘The gas heater exploded. I wasn’t even there. Remember?’

Adam shook his head. ‘I don’t believe a word you say.’

‘All right. That’s enough,’ said Hannah. ‘Stop.’

‘You’re the ones who came over here accusing me,’ Lisa protested petulantly.

‘All right, look,’ said Adam. ‘We are going to tell you what is going to happen now and you are going to agree to it. End of story.’

Lisa turned on him. ‘And what is that?’

‘We are going to hire an attorney to draw up an agreement that can’t be broken, giving us full and permanent custody of Sydney. And you are going to sign it. If you want visitation, you’re going to have to see Sydney with one of us always present. Or a social worker. Take your pick. If you want to hire an attorney to fight this you can. But we won’t pay for it this time. So, good luck with that.’

Lisa studied her father with a cold gaze. ‘You’ve got it all figured out, don’t you?’

‘I don’t know about that,’ said Adam, pointing a finger at her. ‘But I’ll tell you one thing. You will do this. You can’t get around us because we have these letters. It will be an easy matter to trace your communications with these perverts. If you try to fight this you, and they, are going to find yourselves all over the news and probably back in jail. Because I will not hesitate to use these disgusting letters against you in court if I have to.’

‘You know,’ said Lisa languidly, ‘if you had been reasonable I might have been willing to consider some kind of arrangement. But instead, you barged in here and threatened me. That makes me not want to cooperate.’

‘You have no choice,’ he said bitterly.

A smile played around Lisa’s lips, and Hannah felt a sudden fear, like a gust of cold wind, blow up in her chest. ‘That’s what you think,’ said Lisa.

Hannah glanced at Adam, and saw the momentary hesitancy, the uncertainty in his eyes. She realized, with a sickening certainty, that he was afraid, too.

‘For your information, I have done my research,’ said Lisa, ‘both in medicine and in psychology. And even an ignorant layman can tell you what I learned. When I first noticed these … interests I had, and I realized that other people didn’t necessarily share them, I read about their etiology.’

‘What are you talking about?’ Adam asked wearily. ‘I’m not here to discuss your sick sexual desires.’

‘Do you know where those predilections come from, in most cases?’ she asked.

Adam glared at her, and did not response.

‘Most pedophiles were abused in their own childhoods. Often by their own fathers.’

Hannah gasped and blinked at Lisa, as if she were blinded by the words she had just heard.

‘Now you can go ahead and try to make your case for why I should lose custody of Sydney,’ Lisa continued. ‘You’re right. The letters will definitely work against me. But what do you think a judge will say about your petition for custody when I tell him how I was sexually abused throughout my childhood? By my father? Do you think you’ll ever get custody of my daughter then?’

In that moment, Hannah thought that this nightmare, which couldn’t get any worse, had suddenly become a thousand times more terrible. Adam? she thought. She wanted to die. She turned to look at her husband, afraid that he might suddenly look completely different. Like a monster. He was staring at his only child. His face was dead white and the look in his eyes was stricken, as if he were gazing upon the destruction of his very life.

Adam was looking hopelessly at Lisa. ‘All your life, you’ve been my baby. All your life I’ve adored you. How can you even make up such a vile thing?’ he whispered.

‘In fact, I could tell them that you could actually be Sydney’s father. Of course, I think that might work against you in your fight for custody, don’t you?’

Adam peered at her, as if he was trying to look into her mind. ‘Lisa, why say such a thing? You know it’s not true. A simple test would put that lie to rest. So why even say it? Do you know what you’re accusing me of? Do you realize …? This is evil …? Lisa. For God’s sake.’

Lisa shrugged. ‘All I know is they won’t dare give her to you after I tell them that. How could they?’

Hannah sat dumbfounded, staring at her husband and her daughter, as if she had been struck by lightning.

Lisa looked at her mother ruefully. ‘Anytime you want to jump in, Mother. How about taking my side in this? I’m the victim here.’ Lisa looked at her mother’s stunned expression in disgust. ‘You are a poor excuse for a mother. Standing by and letting him have his way with me all throughout my childhood. Thanks a lot.’

‘I’m not hearing this,’ said Hannah dully.

‘Right. You’re an expert at that,’ said Lisa. ‘Not hearing what you don’t want to hear.’

Adam pleaded with his daughter. ‘Lisa, all I ever did was my best for you. Why? How could you hate me so?’

Lisa looked at him slyly. ‘Why not? You’re trying to take what’s mine away from me. I’ll shout it from the rooftops if I want,’ she said.

Hannah was silent. She knew about these cases. Fathers raping their daughters. It was part of her job to deal with the fallout of such things. She had encountered horrible men who preyed on their children. Women who refused to listen to their children when they had the courage to claim they were abused. She had worked with these families. What Lisa was saying did happen in some families, and not infrequently. People liked to think that this was the rarest of abuses. They were kidding themselves. Hannah glanced at her husband. He looked like he’d been poleaxed.

‘Maybe you’ll stop being the adoring wifey now. Maybe you’ll look at him a little differently.’ Lisa’s expression was satisfied. Almost … merry.

Hannah stared at her daughter, trying to fathom the cruelty that was behind those laughing eyes. ‘Is that what you want?’ she asked. ‘For me to suspect the worst of your father?’

Lisa shrugged. ‘You have no trouble suspecting the worst about me. Why not him?’

Hannah closed her eyes. Then she shook her head and gathered up the letters on the table, stuffing them back into her purse. ‘These letters are proof. I have proof of the worst. Otherwise, I never would have believed it of you. I wouldn’t have believed it was possible.’

Lisa shrugged. ‘I don’t care what you think. Think what you want,’ she said. ‘We’ll see what the court says. Do you suppose they’d take a chance on giving another innocent girl into his custody?’ Her eyes were maniacally bright.

‘Do you think this is funny?’ Hannah asked. ‘Why are you smiling?’

‘Because I can stop you from getting what you want,’ said Lisa.

‘Your father and I love our granddaughter,’ said Hannah. ‘We only want what’s good for her. You can’t be trusted to take care of her.’

‘Oh, she’d be better off being the victim of this pervert?’

Hannah looked at her daughter as if from a great distance. ‘You are lost, Lisa,’ she said. ‘God help me, I can see it now.’

Adam remained silent. Hannah wondered if he was physically all right. She looked into his pained, bewildered eyes.

‘Let’s go,’ she said. Then, she stood up. Adam rose unsteadily to his feet as well. Hannah looked down on her daughter, still seated at the table. ‘We will protect Sydney from you. I promise you that.’

Hannah started for the door and Adam followed. Lisa watched them go. Her gaze was cold and her lips were lifted in a smile.