I Love You to Death (29 page)

I tried to tell her I agreed with her, that she was right about me and that I was so very sorry for everything. But all she did was slap my face and storm off. I haven’t seen or spoken to her since.

I didn’t even go to the wake afterwards, couldn’t bear it. I took Sam home, gave him to them and then I just left him. I killed him and took him back there and then abandoned him straight after the funeral. I just left.

I haven’t heard from his family since. Not once, but then I haven’t contacted them either. A part of me feels bad for that because I know it would piss Sam off. He would have wanted them to try more with me, for me to try more with them. But I couldn’t, I couldn’t look them in the eye, knowing everything I’d done. And I guess they felt the same way.

If only they knew how much I blamed myself. If only they knew how much his death destroyed me too. If only they knew what kind of life it forced me to live. If only they knew what I’d done, what I’d lost.

I almost hated them for not being able to see the truth about me.

∞

Luke says nothing as I tell him all of this. Says nothing, just holds me in his arms, stroking my hair like he’s done so many times before. When I finish, I’m exhausted. My tears have dried up now, there’s nothing more inside of me, but Luke has never let go of me. It’s still freezing in my apartment and I reach for a throw rug to pull around us.

"Ash," he finally says. "You know this is not your fault, you know they were all just accidents right? You didn’t do this to anyone, you aren’t the cause of all this."

I shake my head. "No," I finally get out. "It’s me, knowing me gets people killed. I get all the people I love killed."

Luke smooths my hair back from my face and I feel his lips brush lightly over my forehead. "Deep down Asha, I know you can’t believe you’re the reason for all of this. They’re just unfortunate accidents that have happened. You aren’t to blame for this, for any of it," he says softly.

I look up at him, I want to believe him. I want so badly to believe that none of this is my fault. But I can’t, because it’s been happening for so long now and it’s always connected back to me.

"This is not something you are doing Asha," he continues, his voice gentle. "This is not something you are choosing to do to people. That’s not how it all works."

"I want to believe you Luke, I really do. You have no idea how much I wish I wasn’t doing this. That knowing me didn’t mean you ended up dead. But I can’t, I just can’t," I say, frustration building in me. "And I can’t let anything happen to you, I just couldn’t live with myself if it did. I can’t bear the thought of something bad happening to you," I whisper, seeing all of my sadness reflected in his face. "I really wish I could stop all of this from happening, but I can’t and because of that you and I….we…we…it’s…"

I can’t finish what I know I need to say.

Luke lets out a deep breath. He kisses me gently and I let him. I really need to let him go, but it’s like he knows exactly what I’m thinking, because he pulls me even tighter against him, his arms wrapping around me as he holds me in his lap. 

"Ash, the reason I don’t talk to my parents anymore…." His voice is very quiet now.

I close my eyes briefly, wondering what he hasn’t told me, what he could possibly say to make any of this better. He moves his fingers through my hair, gently down the side of my face, before continuing.

"When I was a kid, I had a really shitty childhood, I mean really shit. My parents were really strict, very controlling, my Dad especially. But he wasn’t a nice guy. He was not a nice guy at all."

Luke takes a deep breath before he goes on. "I was a smart kid, a genius everybody called me. And my parents, my Dad, he used that against me. He pushed it, pushed me. Forced me to study and study, all the time. Took me from my regular school and sent me somewhere else. With kids who were supposedly just like me. To study all these highly advanced math programs that I had absolutely no interest in studying. I just wanted to go back to my old school, to my old friends. But they wouldn’t let me. They told me I was staying, that this was where I belonged now." He takes another deep breath, kissing the top of my head. "But I never wanted to be there. I never wanted any of it and I never got to have a normal childhood. Never got to do the things I wanted to do. All I ever wanted was learn to play guitar and hang out with my friends, play video games and watch TV, just like a normal kid. I just wanted to be normal."

He stops again, running his hand over his face and his head.

"I remember being so excited when I was about sixteen. I won this stupid big math thing that I’d never wanted to be in anyway, and my parents were finally relenting and buying me a guitar. I’d been begging them for ages and they finally caved. I don’t know why, but when they gave it to me, it was a violin and a book of classical music. Said if I was going to insist on playing an instrument, then I was going to learn proper music. I was so pissed off. I mean what sixteen year old kid wants to learn the fucking violin. I couldn’t understand why my parents never listened to me. Never heard what I wanted. I wanted a guitar and they’d promised me that, but then they ignored me and bought me a fucking violin."

He’s not smiling now and I can see the frustration and anger he still feels.

"Then by the time I was eighteen, they’d made the decision about where I was going to college and what I was going to study. They never once asked me what I wanted. Not once. They just sent off the application, paid whatever fee was due and that was it, decision made and they’d never asked me a damn thing."

I watch as Luke closes his eyes. The lingering frustration is all over his face and I can’t help but wonder if he’s ever told anyone else this story.

"Eventually I lost it. I just couldn’t stand it and completely flipped out, had enough. I didn’t want to do any of it anymore. I didn’t want my parents telling me what I was thinking or what I wanted. Knew they had no right to tell me how I should be living my own life. I was sick of never being allowed to make my own decisions about anything. Sick of never being allowed to just be me, the person I wanted to be. So after a year, I dropped out of school and I left LA. I just left and ran, eventually wound up in Boston. Not long after I learnt to cook. I shaved off my hair and I got the tattoos. And I started playing my music, finally learning the guitar and playing the music I’d always wanted to play. Along the way, I met Jared and eventually, we started thinking about forming the band."

He stops for a minute. He’s absently stroking my hair and I want to tell him he can keep going, that I’m listening to him. I run my fingers along his arm, but he’s staring across the room, his eyes not focused on anything and I’m not sure he notices.

"My Dad was so pissed when he found out," he continues quietly. "He tracked me down and came all the way to Boston. Came all the way out here to yell and threaten me. Threatened me with everything; money, my inheritance, disownment. He didn’t realise the only thing I’d ever wanted was choice, freedom, to be able to make my own decisions. But no amount of yelling at him got that message through and he couldn’t change my mind either. In the end, he figured knocking some sense in to me was the only other option."

"What?" I ask, shocked.

He looks down at me and smiles sadly. "Yeah, nothing like a punch in the face from your old man to finally get your brain in gear."

"Oh shit Luke, I’m so sorry," I whisper. I can’t imagine what it would be like to have a family out there somewhere. A family who would do something like that. I wonder if they’ve ever even heard Luke play, if they even realise how fantastic he is.

He looks down at me, gently tucks my hair behind my ear as he says, "It’s okay Ash, it was a long time ago now. And yeah, at first it was rebellion on my part, the whole school and tattoos thing, shaving my hair off even. I mean I wanted to change everything about me; who I was, how I looked. I didn’t want to be his son anymore, didn’t want to be the person he’d created, didn’t want to see that person looking back at me in the mirror every day. I just didn’t want to be me anymore, you know?"

Yeah, I really do.

"I mean I was pissed they’d never listen to me, just listen to what I wanted. But when he did that, when he thought hitting me would prove how much he supposedly loved me or that he knew what was best for me, well, that’s when I knew he’d already given up on me. That’s when I knew changing things, walking away from him, was the only way."

I’m looking at him as he tells me this. He doesn’t seem sad at all and I don’t understand why. "Have you tried talking to him again? I mean don’t you want to have a family?"

He smiles at me now, properly this time. "I do have a family Ash. I have the guys in the band, I have Mia, and I have you," he says seriously, his blue eyes holding mine. "I won’t lie, it took me a while. For a really long time, I was so angry with him and everything he’d done. But in the end what I realised about everything I did and everything he’d done, was that I was finally making the choices I’d always wanted to make. Now, I was standing up and fighting for the things I’d always wanted to have and do, but had been too afraid to try. Finally I was living exactly how I’d always wanted to and realising this, well it let me change, let me become the person I wanted to be. Finally I became me."

He pulls me closer as he continues, "And the same goes for you Ash."

I feel my broken heart stutter as his lips brush against my cheek.

"I’ve wanted to be with you since the first minute I saw you. The very second you walked back into that shop and I felt my heart stop when I looked at you. I knew right then, I would do absolutely anything for you. Nothing about that has changed for me," he says, his words soft and so very sincere.

I’m silent, watching him speak, unable to tear my eyes away from him now. My heart is pounding in response to the words he’s just said, at the possibility of what he might really be saying.

He stops, takes a deep breath and continues, "And what I’m trying to say Ash, what I learnt and what I know deep down, you understand better than anyone, is that life is too short to live without the things you want, to not fight for the things you love."

Now my heart stops.

I don’t know what to say or if I can even speak right now. I feel overwhelmed at everything he’s just told me. At trying to picture him growing up in a family like that; at seeing a man I’ve never met, hit Luke because he’s so ashamed of him; at Luke walking away from it all and making the decision to change. But most of all, at the idea that Luke still wants to be with me, despite everything he now knows about me. I feel my heart stop at the surreal possibility of it all, at the idea that Luke isn’t afraid of me or what I might do to him. That he could possibly want to do this.

With me.

"Why?" Is the only thing I can think to ask.

"Why what?"

"Why me Luke?"

He lets out a soft sigh, burying his face in my neck. I feel his lips against my skin as he says, "I can’t explain it Ash. I look at you and I just can’t look away. I look at you and even though I see all of the sadness and pain you carry, what I really see is a beautiful soul buried beneath it all. A beautiful soul, who desperately wants to be happy. Who I want to make happy, more than anything else in the world." I feel his soft kiss on my neck and hear him whisper, "I see what I once saw every time I looked in the mirror Asha. Someone who feels trapped, lonely, alone and….I, I can’t explain it, I just want to fix that for you."

My body shivers in response to the slow breath he takes against my skin before he continues, "I just want to take all of that away for you Ash, make it all disappear. I thought it was working, it seemed to be before today happened. I thought you were happy, I thought I was making you happy, that you were happy Asha."

Luke pulls back and smiles sadly at me again and I understand what he’s saying. It was working, but then today happened and everything changed. I thought it was over, I thought the worst had happened to him and I was lost again. Then when he survived, I thought for sure he would walk away, that we would be over, we had to be. But now he’s saying this to me and he wants to stay and he wants me to be happy again and he wants me and I just don’t know what to think.

He’s right about one thing though, I was happy, really happy and I really want to tell him why, but he keeps talking.

"I just want to make you smile again Ash and more than anything, I really just want to be with you." He stops and takes another deep breath before he continues, "Asha, I can’t not be with you, I really can’t. Haven’t you ever felt like that? That you needed someone, wanted them more than anything?"

I hear the pleading in his voice still and feel my heart catch in my throat at the things he’s saying to me. I can barely breathe now. Yes of course I know what he means. It’s exactly how I feel about him. He buries his face in my neck again, pressing light kisses on the skin below my ear. He’s working very hard to convince me and I’m liking it.

"The fact that on top of all that, you are just so damn beautiful, is really the icing on the cake Ash," he whispers, gently grazing my skin with his teeth.

Now my head is spinning. Now, I’m really liking it.

I’m so confused though and I don’t know what to do. I want to protect him, but I want so badly to be with him. I’ve never met anyone like him, never met anyone who lives as they want to, unafraid and so sure of what they want, so willing to fight for it. Luke says he wants me. I know he sees exactly who I am, what I’ve done, the real me. But most of all, I know I really want him.

But still I can’t.

I pull back and put my hand on his cheek and he leans into it. "But I’m so afraid you will die because of me," I say quietly.

He closes his eyes, his beautiful face showing only fierce determination. He opens them, pulling back to look at me. "Asha, when you ran away from me tonight,
that
felt like dying to me."

I can’t take my eyes off him. I look right at him and I see the sadness and the hope and the want in his eyes and I want to unburden myself.