I Love You to Death (20 page)

"Hey!" he says to me smiling. He’s standing there in sweat pants, an old t-shirt and bare feet and all I can do is stare at him. It’s like I’m seeing him for the very first time and the only thing I can think is; he looks delicious, edible.

How come I never noticed this before?

I take a deep breath. "Hey, coffee?" I ask, holding the cup out to him.

"Thanks, you wanna come in?" Luke holds the door open as though me showing up unannounced like this is all perfectly normal. I also realise that he looks like maybe he just got out of bed. I try to block the sudden picture
that
creates in my brain.

"Ah, well, I’m actually here to see if I can buy you breakfast?" I’m nervous again now. "I feel like I owe you a meal or probably several really."

"What?" he asks, half laughing.

I run my hand through my hair, pulling it over my shoulder. How to explain this to him?

"Luke, I feel like I’ve been kind of a basket case ever since I met you, you know…..your house warming, work, my birthday. Plus you take me to see your friend’s band, the cupcakes, the movies, the food. I figure breakfast is the least I can do." I’m counting all these things off on my fingers as I say them, as though this will somehow all make sense to him.

He’s definitely laughing now as he reaches out and pulls me inside his apartment. "No need Ash, I promise it’s all good." My arm tingles from where his fingers touch me.

I follow him into the living room. The door to his bedroom is open and I can’t help glancing in. The first thing I see is his unmade bed, a book lying facedown on the duvet. It definitely looks as though he’s just gotten out of bed. I briefly close my eyes as the tingle that was just in my arm, now runs all the way through me.

"Well, how about I would feel better if I took you out for breakfast," I try, turning back to face him.

Luke takes a sip of the coffee I’ve brought him and looks right at me. He runs his hand absently over his shaved head, his t-shirt rising at the waist to reveal a hip bone and bare skin that is just asking to be touched. God, he’s making this harder.

"Well, if you insist," he says smiling. "Then how can I possibly say no?"

"Well only if you don’t have other plans," I say quickly. "If you do, then of course another day is fine." I’m being a total idiot.

"No plans Ash," he replies, still smiling at me. "Just give me a sec to have a shower though?"

Oh god
, that’s the last thing I need to be picturing in my head, I think, swallowing the groan before it gives me away. I try smiling back at him, "Sure."

I wait in the living room while he goes into his bedroom. He half shuts the door on the way in, but it doesn’t quite close. I should move so I can’t see in there, but of course I don’t.

Thankfully he shuts the door to his bathroom. I hear the water come on and I can hear him singing while he takes a shower. Of course, what I really need to do is stop trying to picture him under the water in there. I half think about leaving, but of course I don’t. I continue to sit there on his couch and try to block the image of Luke, naked, from my brain. When he comes out, steam escapes from the room first, followed by Luke and he’s already fully dressed.

I’m both relieved and disappointed.

I’m not sure what I would’ve done had he walked out in just a towel. My stomach is already in knots just thinking about it.

He comes back into the living room with shoes as I pretend to be flicking through a guitar magazine of all things. I’m really glad Jared isn’t here to see me like this, because I’m sure he would see something else, see what’s really going on with me.

Luke sits next to me on the couch, puts on his shoes and turns to me. "So, where too?"

Oh wow, he smells really good. "I just woke you up, didn’t I?" I ask.

He laughs. "Woke, no, got out of bed, yes. But don’t worry about it Ash."

What the hell am I really doing
, I finally ask myself as those butterflies all start up again.

∞

I used to see Angela once every couple of weeks. Most of the time I would go in my lunch break, as her office was only an eight minute walk away. For the first few sessions we would talk about a different death and how I was feeling because of it. I never did tell her the whole truth, the circumstances surrounding each of them. I didn’t want to admit blame to her, I was too afraid to, but for the first time in my life, I was honest about how it all affected me, how they made me feel. I thought she was starting to help, thought I was really starting to understand my own feelings and reactions to it all. Even Sam thought I seemed happier and that made me happy because the last thing I wanted was to push him away, destroy the relationship we had.

"Thank you Sam," I said to him. "Thank you for getting me to do this."

He just smiled and hugged me. "Anything Ash, anything I can do to help."

I loved that he cared that much about me, that he would look after me like that. I couldn’t understand how I’d gotten so lucky with Sam. How Nate had known he was exactly what I needed, that he’d been so right about us. I was so grateful that he did.

I’d been going to see Angela for about eight months when it eventually happened. It hadn’t been my usual lunch time appointment, I’d changed that. Rung and asked if we could switch days, I can’t even remember the reason why anymore. But Angela had just said, "I’m full for the rest of the week, why don’t you come after work today, I’ll stay back and we can talk then?"

That was exactly the kind of person she was, and so that night after work, I went over to her office. We talked and talked and it was really good. When I left her office it was late and both of us were heading in the same direction, so we walked together.

I remember when I said goodbye to her at the train station and walked off, I was smiling. I was finally starting to feel good about things, wondering if maybe I needed to keep seeing her anymore. I was smiling at the idea that I was finally coming to terms with all the death. Finally I felt like I understood my reactions, my feelings to it all.

When we got to the T station, we went our separate ways and as I walked away from the station the last thing I remember is hearing someone yell. I didn’t think anything of it at the time because there were always crazies in the T stations. I would’ve been walking down there with her had I not suggested to Sam we go and grab dinner together before heading home.

I wonder if things would’ve been different if I’d walked down those steps with Angela. Would I have stopped her when she ran for her train? Would I’ve been able to grab her as she fell down the stairs? Would I have been able to stop her from dying? Like I said, I heard a yell, but that was all. I’m just really glad I didn’t hear the crack of her neck, breaking as she fell down the stairs. Selfish of me I know, considering I was the reason she was even there in the first place.

When Angela died, it took me a long time to work out why. I couldn’t understand how a woman I’d barely known could die as a result of me. I’d always thought it only happened to those I loved, the ones who got close to me, those people who really meant something to me. And I was very scared it was now going to start happening to anyone around me.

But in the end I realised what it was. In the end I realised that in fact I did love Angela, but in a different way to what I’d previously known. Yes she was my therapist, but more than that, she was a mentor, a role model, someone who was helping me a great deal, more than I ever expected. And to be honest she was a woman who had everything I didn’t, a woman who was in control of her life, her emotions and her future.

And in the end I realised she was everything I wanted to be.

And that’s what had killed her.

∞

We walk out into the morning. The fresh air is helping. I can no longer smell the intoxicating aroma of freshly showered Luke. The butterflies that seem to permanently live in my stomach now, are slowly starting to calm down.

We keep walking and Luke doesn’t ask me where we’re going. Instead we talk about music, a new album Luke’s bought, which he thinks I might like. There’s a song on there he’d like the band to do a cover of. When we reach the train station, he still doesn’t say anything as we walk down the stairs and I buy us two tickets. When the train arrives he follows me to a seat and slides in beside me. His shoulder is touching mine and I don’t move away. Neither does Luke.

We spend most of the train ride talking about music again. There’s a festival Luke wants to go to. He actually suggests we go together and I don’t even think about, I just smile and say yes. Then about eight minutes from our stop, I turn to him and say, "It’s one of my favourite places for breakfast."

He just nods and says, "Sounds good Ash."

"I’m from Providence," I continue, by way of explanation.

"LA," Luke says. "Although I haven’t been back in nearly eight years."

"Yeah I’ve hardly been back either." I say quietly.

Dad used to take me to this place all the time, me and Seth whenever he was around. For some reason though, I never once took Sam there. I don’t know why, maybe because we never lived in Providence together. Although it doesn’t appear that’s reason enough to stop me now and I don’t want to think about what me bringing Luke here might really mean.

I’m staring out the window, watching as we approach the station in silence. I don’t look at Luke, but I do smile when he gently squeezes my hand.

When we walk out of the station, the sun is shining and it’s going to be a beautiful day. I almost expect to see Dad waiting for me, for us. But of course he isn’t, so instead, I turn left and we walk up the hill towards Brown. The place feels at once so familiar and so distant. Nothing much has changed since I left, nothing except for me.

When we reach Thayer Street, I turn right and we walk a little way until I find it. Inside everything is as I remember it. We are seated at a table by the window. I don’t even have to look at the menu to know what I’m having. I always used to have the same thing.

After we order and our coffees arrive, I finally speak to Luke. "So, is your family still out in LA?"

I see a quick grimace cross his face. "Yeah my parents are, but Mia as you know, lives in Chicago."

I briefly wonder if he doesn’t want to talk about it, but I ask anyway. "And you don’t go and visit them?"

His hand runs over his head again. "Nah, I don’t really get on with my parents anymore. I mean we haven’t really spoken in seven or eight years actually. Mia and I are close obviously, but not my parents and me."

I wonder why. I feel like I’m prying by asking, so instead I surprise myself by saying, "Both of my parents are dead, my brother too."

"Oh shit Ash, I’m so sorry," he says immediately, his hand reaching out to take mine as though it’s the most natural thing in the world.

I can’t even remember what I just said to him. I’m aware of nothing but the fact we are now practically holding hands. His are warm and soft, but I can feel callouses on his fingertips as they brush over my knuckles. Soft fingers, worn from playing his guitar.

Finally I take a deep breath and try to speak. "It’s okay Luke, really. I didn’t say it to make you feel bad. More to let you know you aren’t the only one."

His hand is still holding mine and our fingers thread together now as Luke reaches out his other hand and gently plays with the silver ring around my thumb, slowly twisting it. It’s making my heart pound in my chest as though it’s trying to escape and all those butterflies have started up again. I don’t know if it’s him doing this to me or if it’s because we’re holding hands, right here in this restaurant. I’m holding my breath and trying not to move. I don’t want him to notice what he’s doing in case he pulls his hands away.

"Yeah but for me it was a choice," he eventually says. "Which is not the case for you."

No, more like my fault
, I think to myself. I smile at him and say nothing more and he continues to hold my hand until our food arrives.

Over breakfast we talk about easier things. Luke is excited about some upcoming shows they have, about the possibility of music industry people coming and seeing them play soon. As always, when he talks about his music, his whole face lights up. It’s easy to see how much he loves it.

When we finish eating, I pay and as we’re walking out the door Luke surprises me by saying, "So, should we go and visit them?"

"Who?" I ask, confused.

"Your family."

I don’t know what to say. I don’t know if I ever consciously thought about doing that, even knowing what day it is today. I guess some part of me must have though, it’s why I came here in the first place. I think it must be why I had that dream.

"You’d do that?" I ask him quietly.

"Of course," he answers, smiling at me and taking my hand again as we walk out of the restaurant.

The walk takes us over an hour. Luke holds my hand the whole way, his fingers occasionally twisting the ring on my thumb. We don’t talk much, just a random question from Luke about some building or area when we pass by. He’s never been to Providence before and he seems kind of excited at everything he sees. I answer all of his questions, but I’m feeling very nervous about going to the cemetery. I don’t know why, maybe it’s having Luke with me, maybe it’s just because it’s the first time I’ve been back since they all died. I never wanted to come back here again, not after Dad, not after Seth. Not ever. But somehow, here I am anyway.

When we arrive at the gates, Luke drops my hand. I notice instantly, but don’t say anything. We walk in there and I wind my way through to where I know they’re all buried. Three graves, side by side; my mother, my father and my brother.

There isn’t even room for me. I should be the only one lying there.

I stand in front of the three headstones looking down at them. Luke stands beside me, not touching me. Not saying anything. We’re both looking at them, when I hear him.

"Oh Ash," he says softly. "I am so sorry. I’m so very sorry."

I’m not sure what he’s referring too. But he’s obviously seen the dates. He’s now seen that my Dad died exactly three years ago today. Or he’s seen that my Mom died on my birthday. Or he’s seen that Seth died the day after it.  I don’t know which one; maybe he’s seen them all.