I Love You, Always (21 page)

Mia crushes her mouth against Jared’s now and it’s like Ash and I aren’t even in the room. I feel her fingers tighten at my waist and when I look down at her, she presses up on her toes, kisses me quickly before whispering, “I’ll talk to Mia while you guys are gone, make sure she’s okay.”

My hand cups her cheek as I stare back at her. I am so fucking lucky to have this woman in my life. “Thank you, beautiful girl.”

“Always, Luke,” she says, her fingers brushing over my cheek.

“Okay,” Mia says, bringing us all back to the room. “You and Jared should go.”

I watch as Jared’s face registers what she’s just said. He’s surprised, even though I know he wants to come with me. Glancing at her, he says, “Baby…”

Mia shakes her head at him. “I don’t like this, Jared, not at all. I don’t want either of you seeing him, but I sure as hell don’t want Luke going there alone either.”

“I’ll be okay,” I tell her. “I really don’t think he’s gonna do anything.” I feel Ash’s fingers tighten at my hip and I look down, see the worried expression on her face. “But,” I continue, for her more than anything. “It might be good if you come with me, you know, just in case.”

“You’re sure you’re okay with this?” Jared asks Mia, and I know he’s giving her an out because he can tell she still isn’t convinced.

Despite trying to tell her that everything’s going to be fine, I understand where Mia is coming from and there’s a small part of me that’s relieved Jared is coming with me. I don’t think anything is going to happen, but it
kinda
feels like he should be there, just in case.

Mia shakes her head at him, her mouth set in a firm line. Jared kisses her again before turning back to face me. “I’ll come with you, Luke, you know I will. But,” he says, his hand squeezing Mia’s arm, which is still wrapped around him. “I’m sure as fuck not waiting in the car.”

I feel Ash exhale against me, and as I lean down to press a kiss to her head I answer, “No, somehow I didn’t think you would.”

Used to think maybe you loved me

Didn’t realise I could be so wrong

Now, I just really fucking hate you

And couldn’t care less what you think about me.

∞

Jared and I drive over to the house I grew up in, in silence. I have a million thoughts running through my head and I think it’s safe to say, Jared does too. Both of us have issues with this guy, and both of us have things we want to say. And in what feels like no time at all, we are pulling into the huge drive that leads up to his front door.

The gate is open, which is unusual, but at least it means we can get in. There was some small part of me that half expected to show up and be shut down before we even got in the drive. I wouldn’t put it past my father to do something like that, just to prove a fucking point.

“Ready?” Jared asks, as I realise we’ve stopped.

I take a deep breath, knowing this is what I need to do, what I want to do as well. “Yep, let’s go.”

We get out of the car and walk up to the front door. Just before I knock, Jared turns to me and says, “Just so you know, this trip is for you. I’m only here to watch your back.”

“What?” I ask, turning to face him.

“You and I both know I have a shit load of things I’d like to say to your dad, but today is not the day. This isn’t about me. This is about you. About you doing what it is you need to do, so we can get on with what we came here for.”

“Jared,” I say, before he interrupts me.

“It’s okay, Luke, really. I promised Mia I wouldn’t speak to him and I’m planning on keeping that promise to her.”

As I stare at the guy who is not just my best friend, but the boyfriend of my sister, I’m once more reminded of how fucking lucky I was when I got off that bus in Illinois. Maybe when I got that lecture from Professor Matthews too,
who
the fuck knows. Whatever it was, it changed my life, in more ways than one.

“Ready?” he asks again, and I nod as I turn to ring the bell.

The door is answered by one of the maids my dad employs. I’ve never seen this one before, but then I haven’t been here for so many years, it’s hardly surprising. She lets us in when I explain who I am and we are taken to my father’s office. This is a room I spent many nights in, getting lectured on any number of things I’d apparently done wrong that day while my father sat on the other side of the desk. He’d make me stand there for ages, sometimes while he finished up a call or whatever, all designed I’m sure, to make me aware of the fact that my time was not that important to him. Most of the time I’d zone out, dream about the day I could escape this shit hole and just disappear. Funny how it had taken me years, and then the advice of a man just as old as my dad to finally make
that happen
. Of course it hadn’t exactly been easy after that, but it became that way, and that was largely thanks to the guy who’s standing beside me now.

“Dad,” I say, stopping in front of his desk. He hasn’t even noticed we’ve walked in the room. Jared is standing by the door, letting me run this, even though I know he’s pissed. I can practically feel the anger radiating off him.

Dad looks up at my voice, surprise flashing across his face. “Luke, ah…what are you doing here?”

I take a deep breath. “I came here to talk to you,” I say, knowing that’s not exactly true. “To tell you that I don’t want you coming by the house anymore. I don’t want to see you, Dad,” I say, my hand running over my head. “I don’t want to, and Mia doesn’t want to either. We don’t want you in our lives anymore.”

I watch as he stands up, his face hard like it always was. He moves slower now though, and I notice the shaking hands, the sweater he’s wearing despite the heat. He lifts his eyes to mine. “I have cancer, Luke.”

A laugh escapes me as my head falls back, but I’m not laughing at him, it’s more the irony of this whole fucked up situation, at the words he chooses to say. Of course this wouldn’t be about me coming to talk to him. It had to be about him.

“And?” I eventually ask him, lowering my head.

“And I’m trying to make amends,” he says, zero emotion on his face or behind the words he’s saying.

“Amends?” I ask incredulously. “Amends, that’s what you want to fucking call it?”

He exhales loudly, and I can’t help but notice how rough his breathing sounds, as though all the cancer is in his lungs and it’s holding on to the air, refusing to give it up so he can breathe. It’s an interesting image in my brain, and one that fits with so many other parts of my dad.

“What would you have me call it, Luke?” he asks eventually, the annoyance in his voice coming through loud and clear.

I look at
him,
force myself to stare into his eyes. All I see are the same cold eyes that always looked back at me.
The same cold eyes, which never showed any emotion when I was a kid and aren’t showing any towards me now.

“I couldn’t give a fuck what you want to call it, Dad, but how about you try starting with a fucking apology? That would probably be a good place to start.”

He stares at me, not saying a word, and I’m about to walk out when he finally speaks. “I’m dying, Luke. You owe me this much at least.”

Fuck, shit, fuck.

I feel like my head is about to fucking
explode
. I want to scream at him. I want to yell in his face and kick and punch something. But even the thought of wanting to do that, wanting to do that to him, calms me down. I’m not that person, I am not
him
. I will never be him.

I take a deep breath. “I don’t owe you shit, Dad.”

His eyes hold mine, his shaking hands by his side as he says, “I’d like your forgiveness, Luke. I’m going to die, sooner rather than later, and I’d like your forgiveness for what happened in the past, in Boston.”

Something inside me snaps at his words, at the insinuation that it’s
me
who owes
him
something. I take two steps towards him and stand here, face to face with the man who nearly broke me.

“Forgiveness?” I yell at him. “You want my forgiveness. You can’t even fucking apologise, you asshole. Why the fuck should I forgive you?”

He stands his ground. “Because I’m asking you to, Luke,” he says in the same detached emotion, as though this is somehow all so very obvious. As though this is something I should already know.

“Well, Dad, too bad. Because aside from fucking up both mine and Mia’s life, which you obviously don’t think you need to apologise for, have you forgotten that you punched me in the face, twice? You were my father you fucking prick, you were supposed to protect me,
not
fucking hit me.”

“Luke…” he says, trying to interrupt, but I’m not letting him now.

“You broke my eye socket, Dad. Did you know that? I could’ve lost the sight in my eye. I could’ve pressed fucking charges against you, but I didn’t,” I stop to take another breath, my heart pounding in my chest. “And you want to know why, Dad?” I ask. “Because you weren’t worth the effort. You weren’t worth the fucking effort it would take.” My breathing is harder now and I step back, afraid I might take this further than I intend to.

Both my hands wind up on top of my head in sheer frustration. I’m breathing hard as though I’ve just run a marathon and it’s taking every ounce of self-control just to calm down. I feel Jared tense as he stands behind me and when I glance back at him I can see the restraint he’s also fighting. I know he wants to say something, possibly do something, and I know he’s trying desperately not to. He’s keeping his promise to Mia.

“Luke,” Dad says, his voice quieter. “I’m dying.”

I exhale loudly, the frustration I’m feeling tightening inside me. “Jesus Christ, Dad, do you know how many times I actually wished you were fucking dead when I was a kid?”

Finally he reacts, a tiny glimmer of shock, passing over his face. “You did?”

I run my hand over my head and down my face. I am frustrated beyond belief at the idea that he actually expects me to forgive him. That he has no idea at all about everything he did to me, everything he did to Mia, even the things he did to Jared. Boston was bad, but it was only one thing in a long list of nightmares. And yet here we stand, and still, he has no fucking clue about how I really feel.

“Yeah, Dad, I did.”

“When?” he asks.

“Well, where do you want me to start?” I say, my voice hard. “I mean we could go way back to when we were kids and the constant shit you put me and Mia through.” Jared steps closer to me at the mention of Mia’s name and as the two of us stand side by side, facing my dad, I continue, “And let’s not forget you smashing my face in back in Boston or the fucking grief you caused Mia in Chicago. Fuck, you might be dying, Dad, but that doesn’t mean I have to forgive you before you do.”

“Boston was an accident, Luke, I’ll admit that it should never have happened.”

My whole body freezes.
An accident, is he fucking kidding me?
And then before I can stop myself, the words spew out of my mouth. All of the words I’ve kept bottled up inside me. All of the feelings I wanted to throw in his face. All of the things I should’ve had said to him years ago. All of it comes out.

“Fucking hell, an accident?”

“Luke…” he starts, but I cut him off.

“You know what, I will never forgive you, never. I won’t and you
wanna
know why?
Because I hate you.
How can I possibly forgive you when I hate you? How can I possibly forget this so called accident when I fucking hate you? Don’t you get it, I can’t do any of it,” I spit out at him. “I fucking hate you, and not just for Boston, but for everything. For my childhood, for Mia’s, for what you did to her in Chicago, for what you did to Jared.
For fucking everything, Dad.
I wish you could understand it, but you can’t, you never will. And I fucking hate you for that too.” I stop and take a deep breath.

“Luke…” he says, taking a step towards me.

I feel Jared tense beside me again and I hold up my hand stopping everything. “But most of all, Dad,” I continue quietly. “I hate you because you make me hate myself and I’m fucking tired of hating myself, I’m fucking tired of all of it.”

“I…” he stops, maybe unsure about what to say to my sudden explosion. I can almost see the confusion and conflict warring on his face.

“Just forget it, I’m going.” I turn and start to walk out of the room, Jared following me.

“Luke, please.”

Fuck, that’s gotta be the first time I’ve ever heard that word out of his mouth, especially associated with my name. It stops me right in my tracks, despite the fact that all I want to do is walk out of here and go home to Ash. Asha, my safety, my lifeline…
my everything
. She is the one person who knows better than anyone what it’s like to lose a father. Only she loved him and he loved her, more than anything. He’s the one who deserves to be alive, not my asshole father. I glance down at the ring of hers that I wear, the one I never take off. The ring that I now know belonged to her dad. It was his wedding band, was put on his finger by the woman who loved him, the woman he loved and the mother of his child, who he adored. The man I wish I could have met, the man I wish was still alive today. That’s what family really is, not the shit Mia and I had to live through.

“What, Dad?” I finally ask, my fingers slowly spinning the ring on my finger.

I hear him take another deep breath before he finally says, “I… I’m sorry for what I did to you.”

I’m pretty sure I stop breathing now. I can’t believe he has just apologised. I can’t believe he’s actually said those two words to me. I turn back to look at him. He looks old, exhausted, and a part of me wonders if the reality of finally having to say those words out loud, has done that. But his eyes are still so cold, so fucking cold that another part of me wonders if he’s just saying it because he knows it’s what I want to hear.

We stare at each other for a long time and his expression never changes. And that’s when I realise the truth.

“I’m not sure I will ever forgive you for what you did to me or Mia, Dad. I can barely forget it, let alone forgive you for it,” I finally say to him.

His shoulders fall at my words and I know it’s not what he expected me to say. He probably thought if he finally acknowledged what he did to me, it would somehow make everything be okay. But it hasn’t. Because not only are there three other words, which he has never uttered to me, but because I know he doesn’t mean a damn thing he’s saying to me right now. That nothing I just said to him has even made a dent.

“You can’t?” he eventually asks in a small voice that sounds unbelievably strange coming from his mouth.

“No.”

“Why, Luke?”

I take a deep breath and finally say what I’ve needed to say all these years. “I can’t forgive you, Dad, because I don’t actually believe you’re sorry. And the reason I don’t believe you’re sorry
is
because I don’t think for one second that you have ever loved me, or Mia. And what kind of father does that make you? Not one that I want, that’s for sure. And certainly not one who I can ever forgive.”

He doesn’t say anything and it’s almost like I’m watching him age with every one of my words. “That’s why I can’t forgive you, Dad, because I was never a son to you in the first place. I was an asset, a commodity, to treat as you saw fit, to make you look good. And I will never forgive you for that.”