I Left My Back Door Open (9 page)

“True.” I nodded. “That's one of the best things I learned in Psychobabble 101.”

We both laughed. “You sure I can't interest you in mediation after all?” Skylar asked hopefully.

“Just because I'm passing on this one doesn't mean that I don't see the value in the
process
. After listening to your spiel, I would give mediation a shot if I had a conflict that was ongoing,” I conceded.

“Thanks, that's good to hear. I really appreciate that feedback,” Skylar said, standing up. “Daphne, I'm glad that I met you.”

I offered him my hand. “I'm glad that I met you, too,” I answered, appreciating the warmth of Skylar's grip. “You see, it turned out to be a win-win situation after all.” I smiled.

“Yeah, but it all happened so quickly,” Skylar sighed. “I really enjoy talking to interesting people who are willing to say what's really on their minds.”

It was my turn to blush. “Well, you can always listen to my show on the radio. And you can call in if you like.”

“What if I don't want your listeners to hear our conversation?”

I felt my knees buckle. “Then you can call me at home.” I reached in my purse and wrote my phone number on the back of my card.

“Here, Daphne, would you like my card also?”

“Okay,” I replied, nonchalantly, struggling to conceal my excitement. “It's been real.” I tucked Skylar's card into my handbag.

“It's been more than real.” Skylar smiled. “It's been serendipitous.”

I didn't need a dictionary to know what he meant. I couldn't have said it better myself. I felt a glow that I hadn't experienced in a long time. And it sure didn't make me feel middle-aged. It made me feel like riding the daggone Ferris wheel.

six

Belly dancing was harder than I expected. It involved a lot of concentration and muscle control. Although I was the only sista, I was relieved to see that the students came in a variety of shapes and sizes and ages. A few danced with their stomachs exposed but most wore leotards or shorts and T-shirts, like me. Everyone tied something shiny and shimmering around their waists. Jade had a basket of things for students like me, who hadn't yet purchased veils and costumes. By the end of the first class, I'd learned that the most common movement was in the shape of a figure eight. We'd done it with our hips, chest and shoulders. My favorite thing so far was to shimmy, because you could just let your butt go like you didn't have a care in the world. Jade said that some cultures, as well as some individuals, were better at controlled movements, and others were better at letting go. So far, I was better at letting go. Maybe it was cultural, I don't know.

There was so much to learn, like even how to walk, only Jade called it “traveling.” And how to make snake arms and do veil work and play with finger cymbals and how to undulate. Jade instructed us to pretend that our chests were dump trucks, scooping and dumping, scooping and dumping. I felt proud when Jade said, in front of the whole class, “Dee Dee, your undulations are beautiful.” My size-D cups had finally come in handy.

After class, I bought a veil with a rose-colored background and shiny multicolored stripes. Now I could practice flipping it and throwing it in the air and catching it at home. I also bought a pair of finger cymbals called “zilts.” You put one on each thumb and middle finger. In class, we practiced playing, left, right, left. After class, I told Jade, “It's a workout, but I think I'm gonna like belly dance.”

Jade hugged me. “You've only just begun to experience the power of belly. If you learn to belly dance, you'll learn to love yourself,” she assured me.

Who says I don't already love myself
? I thought defensively. “If you learn to belly dance, you'll learn to love yourself,” I repeated cynically in my head. Sounded like advanced psychobabble. But a little voice inside me said,
Let's hope Jade's right
.

I had faith that I would hear from Skylar soon. It had only been a few days. If he didn't call after a whole week, I'd give him a call. The hell with
The Rules
. In the meantime, I was getting in shape for love. Tyeesha and I were walking along the Lake today. It would be a good opportunity for us to exercise as well as get current. This was the first time we'd really had a chance to talk since Sharon dropped the bomb on us.

“I'm so glad it finally cooled off,” I said to Tyeesha as we power-walked along the water. “It's perfect for walkers now.”

“Me, too. I have to get used to this humidity again, after being in Seattle,” Tyeesha huffed, pushing her braids out of her face. “You can take ten showers and still not feel refreshed.”

“Yeah, but don't you like the warm nights?”

“Yeah. Dee Dee, can I come live with you?”

“Why?” I asked, taken aback.

“'Cause you're my godmother and I don't want a lesbian mother.”

“What is a lesbian mother?” I asked sarcastically.

“You know.”

“No, I don't know,” I insisted, lowering my voice. “I mean, how does a lesbian mother act? What does a lesbian mother do? Does she have sex twenty-four-seven or does she put food on the table, pay bills, do laundry, schlepp her kid around—you know, ordinary stuff?”

“I thought you would understand.” Tyeesha pouted.

“I do understand. I know that you're trippin'. And I understand that.”

“Then how come you don't act like it?” she whined.

I stopped and pushed Tyeesha's braids away and stroked her face. “Because it's tough all over, that's why. Your mother didn't just wake up one day and decide, ‘I think I'll freak everybody out and become a lesbian.' I've known Sharon since jumpstreet. And I know that just like she walked the floor with you as a baby, she walked the floor with this. I imagine her stomach has been in knots and she has searched her soul. And I'm sure that for a long time she put everybody else's feelings ahead of her own.”

“It's like I don't even know her anymore,” Tyeesha said, shaking her head. “I stop myself from saying, ‘Mom, don't you think he's cute?' And when we're watching TV, I put a different weight on it now when she says, ‘She's so beautiful,' or, ‘I love a certain actress or a certain singer.' It's like there's a wall between us and we're on different sides. I hate to say this, but I feel funny now when she even hugs me.”

“Now you're
really
tripping.”

“You don't think I'm homophobic, do you?” Tyeesha had a concerned look in her big brown eyes.

“Do chittlins take a long time to cook?” I sneered.

“You do, huh?”

“Yeah, but it's understandable. She's your mother, so it's hard. Change is hard, period, and this is a big one. Your mama is your role model and all of a sudden you're not sure whether you can identify with her.”

“Yeah. I just can't understand why she would wanna go that way. I mean, I know it's hard to find a good man at her age.”

“All right, baby girl, you're stepping on
my
toes now.”

“But I still think she's giving up too easily.”

“It's not a question of giving up, it's a matter of going after what she thinks is right for her.”

“You can understand her? Don't you think it's whack, too?”

“You know, I don't understand why people like cantaloupe,” I answered. “But everybody in my family liked it and for some strange reason, a lot of people I know eat it. But you know what, I've never bought a cantaloupe in my life and I don't intend to, either.”

“Well, everybody has their food likes and dislikes.” Tyeesha shrugged. “I hate anchovies.” She stuck her tongue out. “I'd rather eat dirt.”

I slowed down and Tyeesha followed suit. “Anchovies are pretty easy to avoid and so are cantaloupes, for that matter. But you know what? Everybody has their preferences, period. And some preferences are more important than others. Nobody much cares whether we like anchovies or cantaloupes. We get off pretty easy.”

“I can't understand how anybody can hate ice cream, fried chicken or pizza or chocolate,” Tyeesha said, shaking her head and rolling her eyes.

I patted my stomach. “Unfortunately for my waistline, I agree with you. But the world is a big place; somebody somewhere dislikes every food you mentioned.”

“They're crazy.”

“Maybe they're just different from you. If Sharon can find a woman who treats her right, more power to her. I'm not gonna knock her. There are plenty of straight people who make romantic choices that I don't understand or agree with. But they're consenting adults, so what can I do about it? Why should gays and lesbians be held to a higher standard?”

Tyeesha stood still. “Because one of them happens to be my mother. That's why.”

“Come here, baby girl.” I hugged my godchild. “You still got your mama and you still got me and all the other people who love you.”

“I just can't talk to her like I could before,” Tyeesha whimpered. “Everything's changed.”

“Everything hasn't changed. You just need time to adjust, that's all. You are still your mother's heart. And you always will be. But she has a right to have other relationships. Mothers are people, too, you know.”

“Let's flip the script,” Tyeesha said abruptly. “Enough about her. Dee Dee, I met somebody and I think he's gonna be the one.”

I grabbed Tyeesha's shoulders. “The one for what?”

“The one that I'm gonna give it up to.”

“Whoa, wait, how long have you known him and how far have you gotten? Let's chill over there on that bench,” I said, pointing.

“We've only been choppin' it a few days,” Tyeesha said, breathlessly. “But last night, we played the spitting game.” She plopped down beside me.

“Okay, so you've been talking for a few days and you kissed last night. Well, take it slow.”

“That's hecka slow, I'm fifteen now, remember. And I know about safe sex.”

“A little knowledge can be a dangerous thing,” I warned.

“Dee Dee, how old were you when you had your first experience?”

“I waited until after I graduated from high school,” I answered proudly. “Well, actually I did it for the first time the week before I graduated. But it
was
prom night.”

“How old were you, though?”

“Seventeen, almost eighteen.”

“Prom night, that's so romantic. Do you still think about it?”

“Hell no!”

“Was it wonderful?”

“It was the first time, it was just okay. I've had a lot better since, believe me. You know the song Sade sings, ‘Never As Good As the First Time'? Well, it's never as bad as the first time, would be more accurate. I mean, for women, sex gets better with age and experience.”

“Well, if practice makes perfect, I should hurry up and get started.”

“You can practice all by yourself.”

“Oooh, don't go there, that's nasty.”

“No, it's not nasty,” I whispered. “Self-love is the safest sex there is. That's what you need to do until you find somebody who's going to love and cherish you for the treasure that you are.”

“That could take forever.”

“Well, maybe you oughta wait and find out.”

“I don't understand. You grew up in the sixties and the seventies and they were anything goes.”

“I've learned from my mistakes, too. There are no bargains out here and there are a lot more pitfalls now.” I lowered my voice even more. “I advise you to stick a candle in there or a zucchini until you find a man worthy of you. Now, that's my advice.”

“Ugh! Gross!”

“Okay,” I said, cutting my eyes. “Some people have to learn the hard way.”

“How long do you want me to wait?” Tyeesha pouted.

“If you're smart, you'll wait till you've found the right person and you're over twenty-one.”

“All kidding aside, Dee Dee, how long do you
really
expect me to wait?”

“Realistically, till you're eighteen, or at least until after you graduate from high school.”

“Eighteen! Nobody waits till they're eighteen anymore. People will be calling me a dyke by then!”

“People might be calling you ‘Mama' if you don't. Or they might be calling you HIV positive, if you're not careful.”

Tyeesha groaned. “When you were fifteen, it was the middle of the sexual revolution. You didn't have to connect sex with disease and dying. It's not fair.” She pouted again.

“No, it's not fair. I'm glad that I came along when I did. But I still had to worry about pregnancy.”

“Hadn't the Pill been invented?”

“Yeah, but back in the horse and buggy days, getting the Pill required some serious premeditation. And I was a good girl. I didn't wanna plan it. I expected to be seduced. And also, the Pill used to have major side effects. I was scared of it.”

“Did you ever have a pregnancy scare?” Tyeesha asked, looking me in the eye.

“Yeah, a few times,” I admitted.

“Did you ever get caught?”

“That's personal,” I answered, nervously.

“You did, didn't you?” Tyeesha said, narrowing her big eyes.

“Yeah, I did once,” I admitted.

“What did you do?” she asked, raising her eyebrows.

“None of your business,” I snapped.

“Come on, I need a role model,” she whined.

“Do as I say, not as I've done, okay?”

“What did you do after you found out you were pregnant?” Tyeesha asked sympathetically.

“Lower your voice,” I said. “Let's sit over there under that tree and get out of this sun.”

We moved to the shade and I let my mind go back to something that I'd buried. “I was in college and I had an abortion,” I confided with a lump in my throat.