I Know This Much Is True (78 page)

That probably sounds kind of strange, but I never really had many
girlfriends. Other women don’t like me very much, I don’t even
really know why. Last month, Patti at work had a baby shower for
Greta (the nutritionist) and I think every single woman at
Hardbodies got invited except me. If I was going to stay there,
which I’m not, I bet no one there would ever give me a shower. I’d
be lucky if I got a card that someone bought and passed around and
everyone signed. I guess when you change schools nine times before
you’re even out of high school, you don’t get to develop many friendships. I’m twenty-five years old, Dominick, and I can’t even say
that I ever had one real girlfriend. Isn’t that pitiful?

Anyways, your ex-wife seemed so nice. And funny. She was
complaining about her mother—not mean or anything. She kind of
reminded me a little of Rhoda from
Mary Tyler Moore.
Not
looks, just the way she was talking. . . . I know you never stopped
loving her, Dominick. You never said anything, but I could always
tell. It was like you always held something back from me. I know I
never really measured up, and I know you never thought I was
smart enough for you—intelligent enough or whatever. You never
said anything, but I knew. . . . But anyway, I cried for her last
night because I was thinking about how she lost her little girl. It
makes me kinda scared to think about everything that might go
wrong. But it also explains a lot. I just wish you had told me
before. I might have helped you if you let me in a little. At least I
could have tried.

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I guess I’ve finally gotten to the hardest part of what I have to
say, Dominick, and I hope it’s not too hard for you to have to listen
to this on a tape. . . . It’s not easy what I have to tell you. I just
want you to remember one thing. My feelings for you have always
been real. I may have been dishonest about a lot of things—

shoplifting, etcetera—but I’m being totally honest about my feelings. I know it hasn’t been good for us for a while now, but I
thought at the beginning that we had something pretty special. In
some ways, you made me happier than any of the other guys I’ve
been in relationships with. I guess what I’m trying to say is that I
wish the baby was yours. Because I really, really care about you.

The feelings are still there, Dominick. Honest to God.

Thad is the baby’s father. It’s pretty complicated, but I guess I
owe you an explanation, if you’re even still listening. . . .

Dominick, I was never honest with you about Thad and me.

To begin with, he’s bisexual, not gay. I guess you’ve probably figured that out by now. He told Aaron about the baby yesterday, and
Aaron kicked him out of their place. Another thing you never knew
was that Thad and I didn’t meet each other at work, like I told you
we did. We’ve known each other for a long, long time. Do you
remember me telling you about my mom’s half-brother that came to
live with us out in California? And how him and me were fooling
around when everyone else was at work? Well, that was Thad. I
was only twelve when it all started, and Thad was nineteen. He’s
always looked younger than his age. I was just some stupid kid; I
didn’t know what I was doing. Well, I sorta did and sorta didn’t.

But, like they say, he kind of got in my bloodstream or something.

Maybe because I was so young. . . . I just never could get over him.

He was in the Navy back then—I think I told you—and then he
got transferred to Portsmouth. That’s where he began “experimenting” with guys. Started going to these bars and stuff. He used to
call me up and tell me about it—all these descriptions of what him
and some guy had done together. He’d call right after I got home
from school, before Mom and Phil got home from work. He’d say,

“Do you want me to tell you what we did next?” And I’d go, “ Yeah,
tell me.” Then I’d get off the phone and have dry heaves because I
was so upset. It got so I couldn’t eat or anything. I missed him so
much. I used to beg him on the phone to send me stuff—his finger-

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nails and things—and that was all I ever wanted to eat. It was so
sick. But that’s how it’s always been with me and Thad. It’s like a
sickness.

Yours and mine isn’t the first relationship this has ruined.

When Denny, my second husband, found out about Thad, he went
crazy. Ronnie, my first husband, never even found out. Which was
good, because Ronnie could get real mean. It’s just that . . . Well, do
you remember after I got arrested up at the Hills? And I was seeing
Dr. Grork? He kept telling me I needed to get Thad out of my life
and tell you about him. Come clean. Dr. Grork said it was a big
risk, but that I really had to take it if I ever expected to really get
some of the things I’ve always wanted. . . . But I couldn’t do it. I
tried to, Dominick, but I couldn’t. I guess I was afraid it was
gonna wreck my chance to be Carol Brady. Which is a big joke, I see
now. I know he’s not good for me, but I can’t let go. Sometimes I
hate him. You’re a hundred percent better person than he’ll ever be,
Dominick. He’s very manipulative, very controlling. That’s what
Dr. Grork kept telling me, and he was right. . . . It’s not you,
Dominick. It’s me. Thad and me are like a disease.

I’m not proud of what I have to tell you next, Dominick, but I
guess I need to tell you. I don’t expect you to understand, or to forgive me, because I don’t deserve it. I just hope you don’t hate me too
much. Maybe someday you can forgive me. Because I really, really
broke your trust. . . .

I let him watch us, Dominick. When we made love. It happened twice. I said no for a long time, Dominick, but finally I gave
in. . . . He used to beg me. He really got off on it. Thad’s had a
crush on you all along. The first time was just . . . I don’t know. I
just finally said all right. It felt weird. . . . And the second time, he
set it all up, told me what he wanted me to do, which way to turn
and everything. He was like a movie director or something. . . . He
never taped us or anything—I didn’t mean it like that. Both . . .

both times it was on a Friday. He’d get there before you came
home—Fridays were one of the times when you and I would get
intimate. Our pattern or whatever. So . . . he hid in my closet with
the door open a little. He told me that the thought of you catching
him was part of the excitement. Part of the thrill.

I didn’t want to do it, Dominick. It made me feel awful. I was
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a nervous wreck with him hiding in there. But he begged me. Got
mad when he wanted to do it that second time. He said he was
going to leave me. Move away and not tell me where he was
going. And so I said I’d do it, but that was it. Just that one more
time and no more. . . . I know it was a huge betrayal. I’m so sorry.

I don’t expect you to forgive me, Dominick, but at least now you
can say, “Good riddance to bad rubbish. I’m glad I got rid of her.

She was sick.” Which I know I am.

Tomorrow, I’m giving my notice down at Hardbodies. Thad’s
already quit. I know you’re going to be in the hospital for at least
another week and I’ll be out of the condo by then. Out of your
hair—me and this baby. Don’t worry. I’m not going to rip you off
or run out with your stereo or anything. I already have enough to
feel guilty about. I told Thad he can’t even come over to the condo.

He’s staying at a motel until we leave.

We’re . . . we’re probably going to drive cross-country. Or else I
may drive out there by myself. I’m going to stay with my mom and
Herb in Anaheim at that motel they’re managing. Mom said I can
stay there for free until after the baby’s born and then we’ll see. It
depends on what Herb wants. . . . I don’t know what’s going to
happen with Thad and me. I really don’t. He’s still talking about
starting up a catering business and having me be his bartender. I
don’t know. Maybe after I’m a mom, I’ll have the guts to tell him
to leave me alone once and for all. . . . I know he won’t make a
very good father like you would have. If it’s a boy, I know you
would have taken him to Little League, and Cub Scouts, and all
those things. I can’t see Thad ever doing anything like that. He’s
too selfish for one thing. I really wish so much this baby was yours.

. . . I’m not looking forward to living with my mother again, but
she can probably help take care of the baby after it’s born. Especially
if I go back to work, which I guess I’m gonna have to do. No kid of
mine is going to have to go into Safeway and eat groceries in the
aisles that we can’t even pay for.

I’m not sure, but I might put in an application at Disneyland.

To be a cast member. Maybe that woman is still there who told me
I’d make a perfect Cinderella. I still remember her name. Mrs.

Means. Maybe by some miracle, she still works there. Still remembers me. Maybe I’ll end up waving at little kids in the Festival of
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Lights parade and they’ll go, “Look! It’s Cinderella!” Thad thinks I
should do it. It might be a stepping stone, he says, and he could be
my manager.

Dominick, I know you’re going to get better, and that you’ll find
someone who’ll make you happy, because it’s what you deserve. I’m
sure you hate me right now, which is totally understandable. I hate
myself. But no matter what you think of me, I’ll always be glad we
were together for those almost two years. I was watching this program once? About Paul Newman? And someone on that show said
how Paul Newman was a “real quality person,” and that’s what
you are, Dominick. A real quality person. Just remember that we
had some good times, too. Especially in the beginning. I’m so sorry I
betrayed you. And that I had to lay all this on you while you’re so
sick. But when you told me the baby couldn’t be yours, I didn’t
know what else to do. . . . I’m probably the last person you’re gonna
want to talk to once you listen to this, but if you want to get ahold
of me, I’ll be at the condo for a few more days and then, by the end
of next week, I’ll be driving out to my mother’s, which the number
is in that Rolodex thing of yours.

If . . . if you’re worrying about AIDS or HIV because of
Thad—his lifestyle or whatever—don’t worry. He’s very careful
about things. Aaron’s a fanatic about not taking any chances. So
that’s one less thing you have to worry about.

Dominick? I’m sorry I always acted so jealous about your
brother. If I ever had a brother or sister, I’d want them to be as
loyal as you are. In my personal opinion, you’re fighting a losing
battle, but that’s your business, not mine. Don’t forget to take care
of yourself instead of everyone else.

I love you, babe. Just don’t . . . please don’t hate me. Okay?

I
didn’t
hate her. I didn’t even hate
him.
I just lay there, looking at my ugly purple foot, which should have hurt but didn’t. I didn’t feel a thing.

“You know what kills me about this show?” Felice said from across the way. “Wherever she goes, someone’s always getting knocked off.”

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but it didn’t. I wasn’t outraged, though. I wasn’t hurt. I wasn’t anything. “I’m sorry. What’d you say?”

Felice pointed up at the wall-mounted TV
.
“Jessica Fletcher there.
Murder
,
She Wrote.
She goes shopping; there’s a stiff. She goes to visit some friend of hers; there’s another one. She goes off on vacation. Boom! When’s the last time
you
went out someplace and ran into a corpse? She’s like the Grim Reaper or something.”