I Know I've Been Changed (4 page)

Chapter 4

W
e had been back and forth over this issue so many times my head hurt. But I refused to budge.

“This is ridiculous, Rae,” Ian, my producer, said. He turned to my news director, Richard, who was sitting in the conference room with us while we went over ideas for upcoming shows. “Richard, tell her it’s just a show.”

Richard, who hadn’t even been paying attention, looked up from the notepad he was doodling on. “Huh?”

“Tell her this is a great idea and she’s just being difficult,” Ian said.

“Uh, Rae, listen to him. It’s a great idea and you’re being difficult.”

I shook my head, disgusted not only by Richard’s lack of management skills lately, but by his overall appearance. “Richard, do you even know what he’s talking about?”

“Yeah, of course. Um, he wants us to um, do a show, um, and uh, I’m just here to listen and supervise,” he snapped.

We both looked at him strangely. His eyes were deep pink, his hair disheveled and he looked like he was totally spaced out. Richard had shocked us when he even showed up to our editorial meeting because normally he left the story planning up to us. But he had been acting stranger by the day.

I blew Richard off. It was obvious his body was in the meeting room with us, but his mind was totally somewhere else. “Find another topic,” I told Ian. I rubbed my temples. I was still upset about wasting those play tickets last night.

“But it will be Mother’s Day and what better topic to do than mother/daughter relationships. I think it would be great for you to bring your mother on. We’d even fly her in from…where does she live again?”

I tensed up. I couldn’t even remember what lie I had told him. That’s the trouble with lies, you have to remember them. “Ian, just drop it. I’m not doing a show with my mother.”

“Fine, I can understand you don’t want to have your own mother on, but what’s the big deal about having other mothers on?”

“The big deal is I don’t want to do it and I’m not going to do it,” I snapped. The real reason was I couldn’t stand to look at some happy-go-lucky mother and daughter talking about how great their relationship was. I didn’t need any reminder of how screwed up my own relationship with Rose was.

“Will you at least consider the idea?” Ian pleaded.

“No! Let’s move on already! There are a lot more pressing issues going on. You need to find them.” My head was throbbing and Ian was getting on my last nerve. “I have to go.”

I stood up, nearly knocking over my chair, and paced along the conference room table. I didn’t need to deal with memories of my mother on top of all this drama with Myles. I called him until four in the morning, but he didn’t answer my calls. I only knew he was home because I drove by his house at two. I should’ve gotten out but I didn’t want him to think I was checking up on him, so I went home to wait for his call. It never came. That truly pissed me off and made my tolerance level really low.

“I think you’re being unreasonable, Rae,” Ian said.

“You want unreasonable, I’ll show you unreasonable.” With that, I turned and stormed out, leaving Ian sitting in the conference room. I ducked into my office, grabbed my purse, and headed out the back door to my car. I needed to get away. Go somewhere and calm down. Just escape. It was only ten o’clock and we weren’t taping my show today, so I had plenty of time before having to do the newscast at six. An afternoon of pampering at the Escape Day Spa was just what I needed.

Despite my best efforts, as I sped down Interstate 45 toward the spa, I couldn’t get my mother out of my mind. Images of D-day, as Shondella had referred to it, ran rampant in my head. Drop-off day.

I was eight, Shondella was thirteen, and Jasmine and Justin weren’t even a year old. Mama, or Rose as she made us call her, had left our hometown of Lake Charles, Louisiana, and driven for what seemed like an eternity. Finally, we arrived in Sweet Poke. I only knew that because I saw the huge
WELCOME TO SWEET POKE
sign lit up as we were pulling into town. Rose had pulled into the gas station and parked, and we sat there in that parking lot for over two hours. Rose had been acting strange all day, and snapping at each of us if anyone uttered a word. Justin and Jasmine napped in their car seats. Shondella and I were sitting in the backseat, quiet and scared. We knew something was up; we just didn’t know what. Rose was chain-smoking cigarettes, the car was clouded with smoke. We were too scared to even cough. Rose would puff a cigarette, run her fingers through her hair, bite her nails, huff, and sigh. It was so strange. I tried to ask her what we were doing, and she told me to shut up and just sit there until she figured out what she was going to do. After a little while, she got out and used the pay phone. We couldn’t hear what she said, but when she got back in the car, she was crying.

“Mama, what’s wrong?” I asked softly, forgetting her request to call her by her first name.

“Just be quiet! Okay? Why the hell can’t you just do what I tell you to do?” she snapped viciously. I sank into the seat, fighting back tears and vowing not to say another word.

We all sat in silence for what seemed like eternity. Rose finally spoke. “Get out.”

Not understanding what she meant, none of us moved.

“I said, get out. Sugar Smack, get the twins.” Sugar Smack was my nickname. Given to me, Rose said, because all I ever wanted to eat was Sugar Smacks cereal. “Shondella, get your suitcase.” Rose stared straight ahead as she spoke. Shondella opened the door, got out, walked around to the back, and pulled out one huge suitcase from the trunk. We had watched Rose throw all of our meager belongings into that one oversize, raggedy suitcase. We didn’t question her then. Just like we didn’t question her now. Shondella slammed the trunk closed. I still hadn’t moved.

“Sugar Smack, I’m not gon’ tell you again. Get the babies and get out.” Rose still didn’t turn around and look at me.

I jumped and quickly started removing Justin from his car seat. He had woken up and was giggling and laughing, oblivious to what was going on. To be quite honest, I didn’t have a clue either. I handed him to Shondella, then unstrapped Jasmine and pulled her out of the car seat. I looked to Shondella for answers, but she wasn’t much help. She was standing there with a scowl across her face.

“What’s going on?” I whispered as I took my place next to her.

“Stop asking so many questions,” she snapped.

I was getting frustrated. Here we were in some strange place called Sweet Poke, at a dirt-filled gas station in the middle of the night, being ordered out of the car by our mother.

Rose rolled her window down. “Come here,” she called out.

I adjusted Jasmine on my hip and followed Shondella to the car window.

“Look, I thought long and hard about this. And I ain’t got no choice.” She swallowed, then took a deep breath. “I love y’all. Don’t let no one ever tell y’all otherwise. Someone will be here shortly. They family. They gon’ come through.” She sounded more like she was talking to herself than to us. “I’m not a bad person, I just made some bad decisions. Having you kids was a bad decision.”

“This is because of Sam, ain’t it?” Shondella shouted. She was on the verge of tears. That just added to my fear because my sister was hard, even as a little girl, and she seldom cried about anything. “I heard him! I heard him tell you he couldn’t be with you ’cause he didn’t want no damn kids.”

Rose thrust her finger toward us. “I know you better watch your mouth, little girl. I’m still your mama.”

“Mothers don’t leave their kids at gas stations in strange places in the middle of the night!” Shondella stormed off and went and leaned against a gas pump.

I thought Rose would go after her and beat her real good. I just knew our mother wouldn’t tolerate Shondella talking to her like that.

I loosened Jasmine’s grip on my hair. “Mama, you not gon’ leave us here, huh?”

Rose lit another cigarette. “Sugar Smack, you just too young to understand.” She inhaled deeply on the cigarette, then exhaled, blowing the smoke in little rings into the air. I used to think it was cool to see my mama do that. But at that moment, I wasn’t impressed. “Shondella just mad right now,” Rose continued. “One day you will understand why I’m doing this.”

I started to cry, which caused Jasmine to cry as well. “No, Mama. Please don’t leave us!”

Rose took another long drag on her cigarette. “I called your grandma. She said she wouldn’t come, but she will. I know she will.” Rose started the car up and my tears started coming faster. I threw myself on her car door, almost dropping Jasmine. “Mama, please, don’t leave us here!”

Shondella had appeared beside me. She shifted Justin in her arms and rubbed Jasmine’s hair with her free hand. “Stop all that damn crying. And stop begging her. Let her go.”

“You’re just being mean again!” I screamed at Shondella, then turned back to Rose. “Mama, we’ll be good. We promise. Shondella, tell her. Tell her you’ll stop being bad!”

“Stupid, she would rather be with that old, bald-headed, fat-ass boyfriend of hers than take care of her own kids, so forget her,” Shondella said.

I was speechless. Shondella was about to get it for sure now. No way could Mama let her get away with saying something like that, let alone curse.

I felt the car move and looked as Rose put the car in drive. A tear was trickling down her cheek. “Nooo! Mama, she didn’t mean it. Shondella, tell her you didn’t mean it!”

“I meant every word.” Shondella’s nostrils were flared. A defiant look was across her face and she was desperately trying to fight back tears. Justin and Jasmine had both started crying as well. The silence of the night had been pierced by the sounds of my sister cursing, my baby brother and sister wailing, and my sobbing. Then, finally, there was the sound of tires as they screeched out into the street.

That was the last time I’d see my mother for seven years. She and Sam moved from Lake Charles, and nobody, including Mama Tee, had any idea where they went. The sad part was Sam had not only been my daddy’s best friend, he was the man who had taken his life. He had shot my daddy to death in a game of craps and got off because he convinced a judge it was self-defense.

Even still, I tried reaching out to Rose when I was twelve, after we found her secretly living in Camden, Arkansas, another small town just two hours away. Somebody was visiting relatives up there, spotted Rose, and told Mama Tee. I only found out about it because I overheard Mama Tee talking to Auntie Mel about it.

I was excited when I found out where Rose was. I really put forth an effort to establish a relationship with her, writing her letters after I discovered her address written down in Mama Tee’s phone book. None of my letters was ever answered. I even hitchhiked one time to her home, only to find out she’d moved again. Then on top of that, Mama Tee beat me silly for leaving Sweet Poke.

The night Rose dropped us off, my grandmother did show up. She came shortly after Rose drove off. She must have called Rose everything but a child of God. We had sat in silence as we made our way back to Mama Tee’s house. We had only visited Mama Tee once, when I was about four. She and Rose didn’t get along, and Rose hated Sweet Poke. So we didn’t even know what to expect.

Mama Tee took us in and eventually we healed from Rose’s desertion. Or healed as best we could. For years, Rose never called us. Then one day, when I was fifteen, she just showed up out of the blue. We found out Sam had run off with another woman. So I guess she wanted us back. Shondella wouldn’t even stay in the same room with her. Justin had no clue who she was, and me, I tried to listen to what she had to say, even though it was going in one ear and out the other. When she asked where Jasmine was, I lost it, and Mama Tee finally made her leave. She didn’t even know her own child had died. How pathetic was that? Then, before she left, she had the nerve to ask us to call her Mama.

I shook off thoughts of my family as I pulled into the Day Spa. I said a silent prayer that they would be able to squeeze me in. I should’ve called on my way over, but I was lost in thought and it hadn’t even crossed my mind. But for all the money I spent there, they’d better fit me in.

“Good afternoon, Miss Rollins,” the receptionist said as soon as I walked in. She looked down at her appointment book. “I didn’t know you had an appointment today.”

“I don’t. But I need a session with Raul.”

“Oh, he’s pretty booked today.”

“I have to have a session with Raul,” I pleaded.

She looked at me and I guess the stress showed across my face because her expression softened. “You know what? Since you’re such a valued client, I’m sure Raul would be willing to forgo his lunch break to squeeze you in. Let me check.”

I smiled gratefully. I was willing to beg Raul, pay double, anything to lie in the relaxing seascape room while Raul worked his magical hands up and down my body.

A few minutes later, the tall, handsome Italian masseur emerged from the back. “Madame Rollins.” He took my hand and gently kissed it. “So wonderful to see you. I was just about to meet a friend for an early lunch, but since you’re so much cuter than him, I will reschedule.” He flashed an enchanting smile.