I Know I've Been Changed (22 page)

She gently stroked my hair. “I know, baby. I know.”

Chapter 40

I
could not believe I was doing this. Sneaking around Piggly Wiggly, following Reno’s wife as she shopped for groceries. I had to see what it was about her that made Reno so committed to her. From her outside appearance, there was not much to her. So she had to have a dynamic personality or something. I watched her as she compared Bisquick pancake mix with the generic brand. She opted for the generic.

She turned toward me. I pretended to be looking at the various brands of flour.

“Hello, Raedella.”

I stood up tall, trying to save face. “Umm, hello.” I faked confusion. “Do I know you?”

She snickered. “Not really, but you know my husband.”

I diverted my gaze down. I couldn’t help it; she made me feel so uncomfortable.

“It’s all right.” She touched my arm. “Reno told me all about you. He told me about how he cheated on you and lost you. He also told me about your baby. I’m really sorry.”

Why was this woman being so nice to me? I wondered if she would be as cordial if she knew I had tried to seduce her husband.

“I also know your history with my husband,” she continued.

I didn’t know if she was about to go off on me or what.

“What Reno and I had was a long time ago,” I said, looking her straight in her eyes.

“I know that. You’re his past. I’m his present and his future,” she said, a huge smile across her face. “Don’t get me wrong. I know he still cares for you. He told me about the other day at your grandmother’s house.”

I half-expected her to change her demeanor and curse me or something. I was amazed when she continued talking calmly.

“I don’t have to issue any threats, get mad, or anything of that nature. I trust my husband with all of my heart. God has cemented our relationship, and not you, or any other woman, can break that bond.” She smiled again and walked off with such confidence that I was speechless. I felt a huge lump forming in my throat. She was a heavyset woman who wore no makeup. Although she was plain looking, she had a sort of natural beauty. But the most striking thing about her was that she seemed so at peace. I guess you can be that way when you have faith in your marriage, faith in God. That’s something I knew nothing about.

As I stood in the checkout line, Reno’s wife’s words kept ringing in my head.
God has cemented our relationship.
How could anyone feel that passionately about someone?

“She can’t hold a candle to you, baby.”

I turned around to face Rose, who was standing right behind me in the line.

“How you doing?” she asked when I didn’t say anything.

“What, are you following me now?”

Rose laughed. “No, I haven’t resorted to that yet. I was just doing some grocery shopping myself.”

“Humph.”

“I wouldn’t be ashamed to tell you if I were following you.” She looked at me somberly. We stood in awkward silence.

“You feeling okay?” I finally asked.

“I’m doing fine. I’m just glad Justin took the transplant with no problems.”

“Yeah, well, we’ll see if it takes.” I fidgeted with my purse. Why was I even standing there talking to her?

“Justin doing okay? I want to stop by and see him, but I don’t want to cause any trouble.”

“He’s doing well.” I hesitated. “That was a good thing you did for him.”

“It was the least I could do.”

“You got that right.” I didn’t want her to think she was getting to me.

Rose sighed. “Can we go talk? We can walk across the street to Murphy’s Deli.”

“Rose, I really don’t have anything to say to you.”

“Please. Just hear me out. If you give me fifteen minutes, I’ll leave you alone after that.”

I contemplated it. Fifteen minutes to get rid of her forever. Besides, maybe if I could get some answers, I could move on myself.

“Fine.” I set the bread and juice I was holding on a shelf.

“I can get that for you.”

I glared at her. “I’m more than capable of paying for my own groceries.” My voice softened when I noticed how she shrank back. “I’ll just come back for them later.”

At Murphy’s, we both ordered coffee and bagels. After the waitress left, I looked into Rose’s eyes. They were the eyes of a woman who had been to hell and back. I shook my head, trying to get rid of any sympathy that might have been creeping into my body.

“I don’t know where to begin.”

“How about D-day.”

“D-day? What’s that?”

“That’s what we’ve always called the day you abandoned us. Drop-off day. So tell me, what kind of mother would drop off her kids in a strange place so she could run off with her boyfriend?”

“A confused one.”

“Confused? Is that the best you can do?”

“Sugar Smack, I made a lot of mistakes in my life, getting involved with Sam, drugs, not finishing high school. But my biggest was letting go of my kids. But you gotta understand, times were hard.”

“No, I don’t have to understand. I can’t and never will understand.”

She kept on speaking in the same calm manner, as if I hadn’t said anything. “I couldn’t find a job. Sam wasn’t working. I let him convince me that things would be so much easier for us if we didn’t have any kids to worry about. I know it’s dumb now. But the heroin was clouding my judgment. I just wanted the pain of being unhappy to go away.”

Rose fiddled with her bracelet before continuing. “When I left Sweet Poke with Sam, I knew I was wrong. I mean, he was your daddy’s friend, a friend who had taken the life of the only man who ever really loved me. I knew Sam never meant to kill your daddy. They were both drunk and out of control that night. So three years after your daddy died, when the twin’s daddy ran out on me, I found myself alone and broke with four kids. I was desperate.

“You know how much you wanted to get out of this place? That was me ten times over. I wanted out of here. I felt like I was suffocating here. I had dreams. I didn’t want to be poor and destined to a life in this town. But I had baby after baby and that’s just what happened.”

“We didn’t ask to be born,” I interrupted.

“I know that,” Rose responded. “I loved you all, I did, but I just knew my dreams would never be fulfilled. Then Sam asked me to leave Sweet Poke with him. I thought that would be my chance to finally realize my dream of a better life. But we moved to Lake Charles and things went from bad to worse. Pretty soon we were both so strung out on drugs that life was even worse than it was when we were in Sweet Poke.”

I listening intently, shocked at her desire to get out of Sweet Poke. It had mirrored mine. Would I have ended up like her if I had stayed? Could I have followed in her footsteps? I shook off those thoughts. No, I never would’ve abandoned my children.

“I wanted you all to have a better life,” she continued. “I ran from the life God had given me in hopes that I could find one better.”

“Well, did you?”

She shook her head. “Never.” Her eyes filled with tears. “My babies haunted me night and day. I fell asleep and woke up with you all on my mind. I had nightmares. I was depressed and couldn’t function. So much so that I couldn’t even be a good woman to Sam. That’s why he got involved with another woman. Our life had become so miserable. Then I had nothing but the drugs, so I got in deeper and deeper. I tried to let them go and get you back, but it was hard, so hard.”

“I don’t have a child, but I believe I could give up
anything
for him.”

“That’s easy to say, but when you’re in that situation, it’s just not so easy to do, especially when the only solace I ever found was in drugs.” Rose wiped at the tears trickling down her cheeks.

“Am I supposed to feel sorry for you?” I asked with disdain.

“I don’t want your sympathy. Just your understanding, that’s all. And I want my family back. God knows I want my family back.”

I stood up. I was tired of talking to her. “Both Shondella and I had to grow up too fast. Mama Tee was too old to raise four kids. Justin needed your care. And Jasmine…you didn’t even come say good-bye to Jasmine. No, Rose. That I’ll never understand.” I turned and walked off, part of me not caring if I ever saw my mother again, the other desperate to leave before I burst into tears myself.

Chapter 41

I
never did make it back inside to pick up the groceries I was buying before I ran into Rose. When I left her, I was so flustered that I just wanted to drive around for a while. I hopped into the used Maxima I had purchased last week after selling my car to one of Shereen’s friends. I didn’t know where I was headed; I just lowered the window and took in the fresh air as I drove around town.

I couldn’t believe all the memories that came flooding back as I drove around Sweet Poke. Surprisingly, besides the images of Jasmine, the memories swirling through my mind were all good. All these years and I’d only recalled the negative things about my life in Sweet Poke.

I slowed down as I neared Dr. Warrington’s office. He was the main doctor in Sweet Poke and the man who had calmed my fears when I’d got my finger stuck in Mama Tee’s spare tire when I was ten years old. We were supposed to be raking up leaves, but I had gotten bored and started fooling around in Mama Tee’s trunk. Don’t ask me why, but I just decided to stick my finger in one of the holes on the rim of the spare tire. But then it wouldn’t come out. I sat back there for twenty minutes trying to get it out. By the time Mama Tee discovered me, my finger had swollen so much that the only option was to take me to Dr. Warrington. I remember being so embarrassed when I had to ride in the trunk down to the doctor’s office. His whole staff had laughed at me as they called the people from Firestone to come cut my finger out. But Dr. Warrington acted like it was no big deal, even telling me he had just removed a kid’s arm from a gas tank the week before. He probably just made that up, but it made me relax nonetheless.

I smiled at the memory as I slowly headed toward the dike. That was another place we used to play. Aunt Ola lived right next to the dike, and growing up we used to spend countless hours at her house, throwing rocks off the small cliff, and the brave ones jumping off the cliff into the lake below. I parked, got out, and went looking for a rock to throw for old times’ sake. I tossed a couple of rocks, then leaned back against the car, enjoying the scenery.

I guess I was so engrossed in my thoughts that I didn’t see the heavyset man until he was right up on me. His hair was matted, his teeth a horrid brownish yellow, and he had a crazed look about him. It took a moment before I realized who it was.

“Felton?” I said as I looked him up and down.

“Hey there, Rae baby. Long time no see,” he slurred.

I was amazed at how unkempt he looked. Even though we were the same age, he looked like he was pushing fifty years old. “What are you doing out here?” I asked.

“I’ve been wondering when you was gon’ give me a call.”

I looked at him like he was crazy. “Why in the world would I call you?”

“Oh, so it’s like that, huh?” He moved closer to me. I took two steps back. The stench of liquor permeated his clothes. I felt repulsed.

“Felton, what are you talking about?”

“I miss you so much, baby,” he said as he reached out to me. “It’s been a long time since I seen you. Can I at least get a hug?”

I was getting an uneasy feeling in my stomach. Something about the look in his eyes didn’t set right with me.

“I’ll ask you again,” I said, backing up even more. “What are you doing out here?”

“What, you think you own this place or something? For your information, I been keeping up with you. I called you all the time at your fancy TV station just to hear your voice on the answering machine. I’ll admit, I would get angry from time to time and say some pretty hateful things, but I never really meant them.” He wiped at some drool that was trickling down his chin.

I knew I recognized that voice. “You’re the one who has been leaving me those messages? Why?”

Felton started nervously rubbing his pants legs. “You make me so mad, Rae. I have loved you since we were kids, and you never gave me a second look.” He started pacing back and forth. “Then I thought, maybe if I try to be her friend, she’ll give me a chance, but noooo. I was never good enough for you.”

He was definitely scaring me now.

“Then, you came to me after that big, Amazon-looking boyfriend of yours knocked you up. He wouldn’t help you, but I did. Me! I stole my mama’s rainy-day money for you and you didn’t even appreciate it!”

“Felton, I did appreciate it.” I moved toward my car, trying to talk as calmly as possible.

“Liar!” he screamed just as he reached out and snatched my car keys from my hands. He threw them over the cliff before turning back to me. “My mama beat me silly for taking her money, but I didn’t care because it was for you. And you didn’t even say thank you!”

Felton was shaking now and I was ready to make a run for it because he seemed like he was losing control. “I drove down to Houston many, many times and would just follow you around. I was hoping that one day you’d come around and come back to me.”

“Felton, I don’t know what ever gave you the idea you and I were anything more than friends.” I tried to discreetly survey the area and see which way I could make a quick getaway.

“You did, you little tease,” he snarled. “But, I know you probably laughed at me the whole time: ‘Ha-ha, I took the slow boy’s money.’ ”

“Felton, I never called you slow.”

“Shut up lying!” His chest was heaving up and down. Just when I thought he was calming down, he said, “You owe me. Not just for the money I stole, but for leading me on and making me wait this long.”

I knew he was delusional, but at that point I could tell there would be no reasoning with him. I knew there wasn’t but one thing I could do—run for my life. I darted around Felton and took off. I didn’t make it two feet before he had me by my hair. He threw me against the hood of my car.

“You little tramp. I’ma teach you to lead people on.”

Felton had me pinned to the car with one hand while the other worked feverishly to unbuckle his pants.

I was in shock. I couldn’t understand where all of this was coming from. Yes, I took Felton’s money, but I never led him on. “No! Please don’t,” I cried as I tried to break free from his grip.

“Oh, don’t act like you don’t want it.” He tried to kiss me on my neck. Slobber ran down the side of my neck.

“Felton, get off of me!” I screamed.

“Come on, baby. Don’t fight it. I missed you so much.”

I felt sick to the stomach. I was not about to be raped on the hood of my car.

“Please, God, don’t let this happen,” I softly prayed. “I know I haven’t been a good servant, but please don’t let him do this to me.”

“Shut up,” he said as he tore at my skirt. “Can’t nobody hear you. Not even God.”

God can always hear you, even when we don’t think He’s listening,
Mama Tee’s voice echoed in my head.
He’ll give you strength to make it through anything.

Mama Tee’s words snapped me out of my daze. I was strong enough to make it through. I had to think fast.

Felton eased up off me to pull his pants down, and I used that moment to make a break for it. I kicked him in between his legs with all my might and took off running. He doubled over and screamed in agony. I desperately ran toward Aunt Ola’s house.

“Help!” I said, banging on the door. “Aunt Ola!”

I couldn’t tell if someone was home. Four cars were sitting in the driveway, but knowing Aunt Ola’s sons, none of the cars were working.

“Help me, somebody, please!” I continued to scream.

Just when I was about to turn away and keep running, I heard the lock click. The door swung open and Scooter stood there in a pair of boxer shorts. He looked like he had been sleeping.

“What the hell you want? Banging all on the door, waking people up,” he asked, staring me up and down.

“Scooter, help me, please. Felton”—I pointed to the dike—“Felton just tried to rape me.”

Scooter peered toward the dike. “Who?”

“Felton. Felton Peterson.”

“That slow boy who lives across the tracks?”

I nodded.

“What you doing at the dike with him?”

“Scooter, please, can you just let me in so I can call the police?”

Scooter moved to open the screen door, then stopped. “Wait a minute. When we came to you for help, you blew us off.”

“Scooter, please. That was different. There wasn’t anything I could do.”

“You wouldn’t even try. Now Kevin is locked up forever.”

I started crying. “Please, just call the police for me.”

Scooter scratched his head. “Ummm, let me see what were your words? Oh, yeah.” He snapped his fingers. “ ‘There’s nothing I can ever do for you. So get off my property before I call security.’ ” With, that Scooter slammed the door in my face.