I Just Want You to Know (10 page)

When I was pregnant with the six, I thought naively, “At least we’ve had twins before, so we know how to parent multiples.” I couldn’t have been more wrong. What you do with two, you can’t do with six. My mothering had to completely change.

As every mother knows, it’s important to see each child as an individual created by God. I knew that too, but with multiples, it was tempting to fall into a group mentality during their first two years. I changed all of their diapers at once, fed them the same meals at the same times, and took them to the same places together. Giving them individual treatment just wasn’t doable.

When their personalities starting shining through, it wasn’t possible to think of them only as a group anymore—and it started to become easier to find ways to make each child feel special for who he or she was. Their differences started to become noticeable especially when they started talking, and I could see how each of the kids is
unique from any other. It is amazing to see how different each of my kids are when they all came from the same environment, same parents, same house—and are even the same age.

I began to treat them differently as they got older. I had always been strict and rigid, so it took me awhile to understand that since each child is different, we don’t have to parent them the same. I needed to figure out what worked for each of them.

Other moms of multiples told us they gave certain kids permission not to nap anymore. Hearing that somehow gave me permission to parent creatively. We don’t just try to be fair; we try to raise each one according to his or her own unique personalities, talents, and needs.

Sure enough, as they got older, some of the kids still needed a nap while others didn’t. Cara didn’t always need a nap when she was younger, so I told her to come downstairs when Mady fell asleep. Same with the little girls—Alexis always needed a nap or she’d fall asleep during dinner. Leah slept most of the time, but Hannah never did. I started telling her she could come downstairs when the other two fell asleep.

Then when Hannah and Leah started asking for a “nakin,” I would let them have one at each meal. They were the only ones who did not shred or rip them. I tried to look for little things to reward each of them, so they felt like individuals.

All of the kids are so completely different that how I talk to them, discipline them, and play with them is different. With Collin I have to be firm and clear, but if I used the same voice with Aaden, he would be in tears instantly. I can treat Hannah like a seven-year-old sometimes and rationalize with her, and I can also reason with Leah; but with Alexis, I have to go over everything over and over again, since she’s not as focused.

Mady and Cara have flip flopped personalities growing up; they each took turns being the dominant one. I have since learned this is
normal for twins, though it has not been my experience in raising higher order multiples.

Alexis is silly, loves making people laugh—and trouble finds her. Hannah has always acted older and worries if anyone is sick or if things aren’t fair. Aaden is thoughtful. Collin is orderly yet controlling. Leah loves girly, baby things. Joel has always been easygoing.

While I can’t always give each one my undivided attention every day, each child is on my radar screen at different times. When the little girls were potty training, I didn’t have to think about the boys who were still in diapers; and when I trained the boys I didn’t need to focus on the girls because they had already been potty trained. It was nice to not have to worry about all of them at once. When Aaden needed glasses, he was on my radar screen. And of course, when he got glasses we needed to figure out how to keep them on his face and then to keep the other five from plucking them off his face.

With eight kids, or any number really, it’s hard to have time for all of them collectively, let alone individually. I have really struggled
with spending enough time with each of them. I have a lot of guilt about that, but I tried to not miss the details. My guiding principle has always been that just because I have eight doesn’t mean I can’t try to treat them each like an only child. I realize that’s setting the bar very high, but since when do I ever set mediocre goals?

Some of the kids were more independent than others, and I just let them go. Those who wanted to hang on me more or needed more attention from me knew to come find me. I just had to trust that whoever needed the extra attention would seek it out. If someone came wandering downstairs in the middle of the night, we didn’t make a big deal out of it and just scooped them up into bed with us or made a little bed on the floor next to us. When they wanted to spend time with me in the kitchen, I put whoever came in up on the counter so we could talk while I made dinner.

When they were babies, it was harder to figure out which one needed me more; so the older they got, the easier it was to give them more attention. When Mady and Cara were old enough to start doing chores, I put together a chore chart, which included rewards. They could choose spending time alone with Mommy or Daddy, getting ice cream, or staying up an extra hour—all of which they loved. For them, time with a parent was the best reward.

Once I remember Cara really needed time alone with me, so I took her grocery shopping. At one point while we were shopping, she got a cart’s length behind me and freaked out. She then asked me to call her name each time I was
ready to leave the aisle. Even though she was right behind me, she was fearful I would turn the corner without her noticing, and she would once again become separated from me. Then after I loaded the groceries in the car, I returned the cart, and when I came back to the van, she was out of her seat huddled down on the ground. I was shocked that in ten seconds, she was that scared! I knew she had developed a fear that someone was going to take her or that I would lose her, but I didn’t know how bad it was. I talked with her, telling her I would never put her in danger because she is my “prized possession. ” I told her that I loved her and would always take good care of her. I also told her that though being wary is good, she was going a little over the top. I made sure to pay extra attention to her over the next few weeks, and she seemed fine from then on.

The huge struggle with multiples or kids the same age is the classic, “It’s not fair!” If I’m making a salad and give the one who’s in the kitchen a crouton, they run to tell the others about it, which gets them all running in to claim their own. It’s not feasible to do eight times the same thing you do for one on a whim. This reporting back to the others happened so many times that I had to tell them if they got something special in the kitchen, like a lick of icing, they weren’t allowed to tell the others about it. Seems so sad, but it was necessary.

Whenever I made a cake, I dipped two additional beaters to hand out four. But because I didn’t make cakes too often, it might have been another three months before I could get to the other four—and by then I wouldn’t remember who hadn’t yet gotten a beater. The whole situation would became a huge production, so I had to loosen the rigid rotation schedule and simply give them out to whoever was wandering through the kitchen at that time.

My motto is now “life’s not fair” so hopefully they’ll quit expecting me to treat them all exactly the same. Wish me luck on that!

I’m often asked if we gave the little kids all the same present at holidays and birthdays. We didn’t. It was never economical to buy six of the same toy. They learned how to share, and they rarely all at once wanted to play with the same item.

One holiday, though, I bought each child a dinosaur egg that hatched if you put it in water for three to four days. It felt more manageable and made the kids feel special to hatch one egg at a time. When it was Hannah’s turn, we were going to the beach so we had to take the stinkin’ thing with us while it hatched. And we had to “guard” it wherever we were going. It was
her
dinosaur!

As a parent, it is fascinating to watch your child develop before your very eyes and bloom into a unique individual. This fact does not change when raising multiples; however, the struggles to be able to single them out and celebrate their differences does increase. During this time I started to identify what made each child tick and consciously tried to encourage each one’s unique qualities. In fact, this is why I don’t refer to our children as twins and sextuplets—they’re individuals and this is how I view them. They each have their own needs, desires, and capabilities. Throughout life they are lumped into one group often enough by the outside world, so at home especially, they need to be encouraged to be confident in who they are as unique individuals.