I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell (4 page)

I was exhausted. Being the only sober one in a group of nine retarde
d
Drunks is not fun. Fuck this; from now on, I'm drinking and driving. E
I
Bingeroso and Thomas were the last wo I dropped off, and I heade
d
into EI Bingeroso's place with them to get a beer; I figured I ha
d
earned it
.

EI Bingeroso decided he was hungry, so he took out a roll of unopened
,
pre-made cookie dough from the refrigerator, tore off th
e
package, plopped the whole thing down on a cookie sheet, and thre
w
it in the oven, setting the temperature at somewhere around "Lowes
t
Levelof Hell." He tossed us a few beers, and we relived the night for
a
while,filling each other in on the parts that the other two had missed
.
Aftertwo beers, Kristy came out of her room, groggy and sleepy-eyed
,
and said to EI Bingeroso
,

Kristy "What is that smell?
"

EIBing "Oh, sorry baby, that's cookies burning.
"

Kristy "Umm, OK. Can you guys keep it down, I've got to be at wor
k
early tomorrow.
"

At this, Thomas stood up and said, "Keep it down? WOMAN, WE'RE LUCKY TO BE ALIVE!!!"

Blowjobs... the sweet sounds of silence. The problem with oral sex is that it's like writing. When done right, it's amazing, but there are just so many ways it can go wrong, and when it goes wrong, it's just not worth it. These are some of my funnier blow job stories:

High school was the first time I realized that blow jobs would be a painful pleasure. I was dating a girl from another school in my area. Besides being one of the hottest girls I've ever known, she was also One of the very first girls to give me head. We were both new at it, and She liked me to courtesy tap. This was because I had convinced her that-I'm not making this up-it wasn't "real" oral sex as long as I didn't cumin her mouth. Aren't 17-year-old girls funny?

The first few dozen times she went down on me I courtesy tapped just Like she asked. One time we were in my car, parked right out front of her house because I was dropping her off after a date. Instead of a kiss goodnight, I suggested she blow me goodnight. She thought this was a brilliant idea.

I quickly got carried away with the risk and thrill of having her suck my dick twenty yards away from her house where her father, who I hated, was waiting for her to come home. I was lost in the sexual ecstasy of the dangerous youthful blowjob when I heard her let out a little yelp. She immediately sat up, her mouth half open, full of splooge, the excess dripping off her chin, and uttered a muffled, "Youasshole!"

Then she spit the cum all over my face. Sprayed it allover me. I was still recovering from getting my own jism spat into my own face as she jumped out of my car and sprinted into her house. I quickly drove off. I had no desire to face her rifle-wielding father with my face covered in my sperm.

Once I was out of imminent danger, I couldn't help but laugh. I had no idea that this would only be the first in a long line of strange blowjob incidents.

One girl I was dating the summer after I graduated high school, "Jayne," had never given head before she started seeing me. Now, my experience has taught me that whenever a girl tells me she "doesn't normally give head," she inevitably ends up giving me an incredible blowjob. It's the ones who say they never do it that do Jayne was the exception.

She was the absolute worst I've ever experienced. I've never even heard of girls worse at fellatio than Jayne. Her teeth were all over my dick, she had no rhythm, no enthusiasm, and had a mouth that mysteriously never got moist. It was awful.

It was a month of painstaking instruction before she finally got good enough that I didn't just stop her after 5 minutes and tell her to jerk me off-she was that bad. After another month or so, she got good enough that she could at least come close to finishing me off by herself. Here's the weirdest part: no matter how much she improved, she never moved her head. She kept her head still and I would have to move my hips. This was annoying, but I was patient with her because she was stunningly beautiful and I was still young enough to think I was' actually capable of love.

One night she was doing a pretty good job and I got very enthused with my hip thrusts when I felt a warm, wet sensation on my crotch. I was laying on my back and I looked down and saw what looked like A LOT of splooge.

This confused me because even though I was close to coming, I didn't think I had actually achieved orgasm. The cum was chunky to the touch, very dark, and much more viscous than any semen that I've ever seen shoot out of my dick. My first thought was that she had given me some crazy hybrid VD that made my discharge all thick and chunky. I dismissed that, but my mind was still racing; I couldn't figure out what could be wrong, so I said, "What did you do to my dick?" She looked up at me. The expression on her face immediately gave it away: "Oh my god-did you just throw up on my dick? Did you just VOMIT ON MY FUCKING DICK?"

Yes Tucker. Yes she did. I ended up dating her for another two years (beauty does strange thing to the male mind), but she stopped going down on me and we just focused on vaginal sex from that point forward.

The next incident was a few years later, in college, right after I ha
d
discovered the art of coming on a girl's face. Even before I made th
e
term "dotting her eyes" famous, I was a fan of giving the facial
.
As my climax approached, I moved her onto her back and pulled ou
t
just in time, covering her face with a solid 5-roper. Being the neophyte
,
I had no idea how to aim, and accidentally shot the first-an
d
strongest-rope right in her eye. As I finished and collapsed, very happ
y
with myself and proud of my prodigious paint job, I noticed the look o
f
agony and pain on her face
.

Tucker "Baby, are you OK? What's wrong?
"
Girl "I ... I can't see ... Jesus, it hurts ... it's burning.
"

I helped her scoop most of it out of her eye and, both of us still nake
d
and sweaty, lied her into the bathroom where she washed her eye ou
t
for a good five minutes
.

Apparently, semen does not agree with the eye. I called her "Re
d
Eye" for the next few hours, until she got mad and refused to eve
r
give me head again. Then I apologized profusely. She forgave m
e
until she realized that she had ejaculate in her hair and had to was
h
it twice to get it all out. Needless to say, there were no more facials fo
r
her. After that, she swallowed every bit of my seed like a nun takin
g
communion
.

One time when I was visiting some friends and family in DC, I went out drinking and ended up going home with a girl. I'll be honest: this girl was not attractive. But she was into me, and she was there, and perhaps most importantly-she just gave off a blowjob vibe. You know the type; they aren't good looking or exceptional in any way, but they just give off a look that says 'I suck dick like I invented it.'

I was pretty drunk when we got back to her place, but that didn't seem to faze her. We didn't even make it to the bedroom. She grabbed me right as we came in the door, undid my pants as she pushed me onto
her white sofa and knelt on the ground in front of me, working me right there in her living room.

My God was I right: She blew me away, literally and figuratively. She must have spent at least 20 minutes fellating me, never once taking her mouth off my penis, slurping at the exact right moments in the exact right places. She was so good even my ankles started sweating. God bless whoever taught her.

As soon as she finished, she went to the bathroom to wash out her mouth (she's one of those), and I stood up to rifle through my pants pocket and get a condom when I saw the sofa: there was a HUGE skid mark prominently displayed on her WHITE sofa.

I laughed at first. Then I remembered that she drove me to her place ... and she lived a good 30 minutes away from where I was staying. As the thought of having to hitchhike 45 miles walked through my mind, she appeared out of the bathroom. Fuck.

Thinking fast, I put my pants on the sofa and "romantically" whisked her into her bedroom, where I had to fuck her at least 3 or 4 times to get her to go to sleep. Once she was safely out, I snuck out of her room and flipped the cushion.

I still don't know if she ever found that stain.

Those incidents were from back when I was young and cared about Things like feelings and emotions. As I grew older and my soul became jaded, I realized that I could be an asshole and get away with it, so I became more risky with my blowjob activities.

Onetime I was with a girl, we'll call her "Betty." She lived in a house with three other girls, but they were all out, so we hooked up in her livingroom.

Betty was a master of her craft, and especially loved going Down on me. She was hitting the crescendo of her well-conducted Symphony of knob-slobbing, but right before I felt myself let loose into Her mouth, the door to her house opened. Her roommate was barely inside when she saw Betty on her knees Sucking me off like she was auditioning for a porn movie. Betty, lips still
wrapped firmly around my penis, hand wrapped around my shaft, heard the noise and looked up. Momentarily the eyes of the two roommates locked, one walking in the door, the other with my dick in her mouth. At that exact moment in time, two things happened simultaneously:

• I shot my load into Betty's mouth .
  
• Theroommate screamed and ran back out the door.
  

I had not cum for about three days before this encounter, and thus I had a Peter North sized 8-roper waiting for her. This did not sit well with Betty, especially because she was not expecting it.

Betty tried to take the porn star load, but it was just too much. She was not ready and still trying to process the fact that her roommate saw her sucking dick, so she started choking. Not coughing or a slight choke the bitch was turning red and dying right in front of me, with my seed as the instrument of death.

I was unsure what to do; I'd never seen a girl choke on dick before. I thought that only happened in rap songs.

After about five seconds of watching her retch, the words from the Too Shortsong "Blowjob Betty" rang through my head, "A young girl died just last night, she choked on sperm in her windpipe ... " so I did the only thing I could think of: I gave her the Heimlich Maneuver.

I grabbed her around her chest just below her breasts and pulled my fists into her ribcage with all my force. After about three times she heaved, coughed my splooge all over her couch and started yelling at me, "STOP IT! [cough] YOU'RE HURTING ME! [cough] STOP ASSHOLE!"

I ended up having to take her to the hospital. Not for asphyxiation she wasn't choking after all, the cum just surprised her and got in her nose. Nope ... in my enthusiasm to save her life, I had succeeded in breaking one of her ribs.

The highlight of the night was at the ER when the doctor told me that I did a very good job with the Heimlich. Apparently, you’re actually supposed to break a rib if you do it right.

We never could get the old magic back after that night. It might have
been because she couldn't take a deep breath for two months.

My personal favorite blowjob story happened with a girl I hooked up with only once. I met her in some city, out at some bar, on some night-I barely even remember what she looked like (thank you, Dollar Beer Night). I am pretty sure she was engaged, but it wasn't to any of my friends, so I didn't care.

The girl did a pretty decent job sucking me off, especially considering how much I drank, and I finished in her mouth. Like a pro, she kept her lips wrapped around my dick till it was dry, but when she came up, there was a strange look on her face. She contorted her expression a little, opened her mouth like she was going to vomit, which of course made me pull back quickly, then all of the sudden:

"BUUUUUURRRRRRRRRRRPPPPPPPPP!"

The girl belched like a drunken sailor-OFF OF MY CUM! Easily one of the proudest moments of my life.

When I first went over to Sling Blade's apartment, it was to pick him up on the way to a bar. This was about a month or so after I met him in the library and I was a little weirded out: his place was a shrine to obsessivecompulsivedisorder.

He kept it meticulously clean and Spartan to the extreme. The only thing in the living room was a TV on a stand, a single chair in front of it, and a PiayStation2 at the base of the TV. The controllers had the cords wrapped around them, placed on each side, equidistant from the PS2 base, which itself was perfectly perpendicular with the TV stand. On his shelf were about 300 DVDs, perfectly in line and arranged alphabetically by genre. He had a lot of the standard guy movies like Scarface and Godfather, but most of his collection was sci-fi. He had every Star Wars and Star Trek DVD I've ever heard of, and lots I hadn't.

His bedroom had only a bed and a desk. The bed had Batman sheet
s
and a Green Lantern comforter. Just about every free piece of spac
e
in the room was occupied with dolls, or as he calls them, "action figures.
"
He must have had like 70-100 various toys all over the place
,
most of them were set up like they were fighting each other; the G
I
Joes were battling the Spawn characters, Superman and the Justic
e
League were squared off against Star Wars figures, and dozens o
f
other genres that I didn't recognize were locked in frozen combat wit
h
each other. I was momentarily encouraged by the hot Jeri Ryan poste
r
on the wall ... until I realized that she was dressed as Seven of Nin
e
(the character she plays on Star Trek). The kicker was a talking Yod
a
doll that he had on his desk. I walked by and the thing blurted out, "Siz
e
matters not." I punched it and it chirped at me, "Beware the Dark Side"
:

Tucker "Dude, have you ever brought a girl back here?
"
SlingBlade "Yeah ... once.
"
Tucker "What did she say when she saw all this?
"
Sling Blade "I don't know. Nothing. It was dark.
"

I am not a toy expert, but one thing I did notice was that he had bot
h
the older and the newer GI Joes. Because I loved my GI Joes-whe
n
I was TEN-I jokingly asked him about them
:
Tucker "Are the new GI Joes better than their 80's counterparts?
I
don't see how you can beat the old school Snake-Eyes.
"
Sling Blade [the exactness of this response is due to the fact that h
e
rewrote it for me. From memory. You think he might be OGD?]
:

"The answer is a resounding yes. The old figures suffered from a poten
t
and debilitating malaise known as Wasting Rubber-Band Syndrome
.
WRBS occurred when you held the legs of Duke or Roadblock, th
e
only two GI Joes you had since your parents were poor and hated you
,
and spun around the top portion to create a 'super-spinning punch
'
wherein the figure would triumph over his enemy, much to my adolescen
t
delight
.

This punch was an amazing tool, used only under dire circumstances
,
such as when Cobra (populated by conscripts from m
y
sister's Barbie collection who were sold into white slavery) was abou
t
to overrun your Lego fortress. Why Lego, you ask? Because you
r
parents wouldn't spring for the GI Joe base. God forbid you should spen
d
twenty dollars so your lonely son who spent his formative years confine
d
to quarters for things like "backtalk" and "auto theft" could have
a
cool fortress for his only friends. Coincidentally enough, I won't b
e

springing for the silver package when I stuff those two idiots into th
e
old folks home in a few years. Payback's a bitch, isn't it
?
Anyway, after enough of this the rubber band would snap and your G
I
Joe would be cleaved in two. You would then cry, as your supply o
f
friends had been effectively cut in half
.

There was also a secondary problem named Fatigued Thum
b
Syndrome. FTS was when the GI Joe received a constructive form o
f
leprosy due to overuse and their thumbs would falloff, rendering the
m
incapable of holding a weapon. Once the thumb was gone these figure
s
became almost useless. At this point the only thing they were goo
d
for was renaming them for one of your enemies at school and the
n
melting them on an open flame or destroying them with a firecracker
.
Neither problem exists in the current version, from what I can tell
.

In unrelated news: I'm still single.
"

Looking through his DVD's, I saw a movie that didn't really fit with th
e
sci-fi/gangster themes of the rest of his titles: Slingblade. I love tha
t
movie, and asked him why he had it. He told me it was his favorit
e
movie, and started reciting lines from memory, in the same low, bariton
e
gravely voice that Billy Bob Thornton used in the movie
.
[In case you have never seen it, Slingblade is a fantastic movie abou
t
a semi-retarded man named Karl Childers. My buddy Sling Blade relate
s
on a very personal level with the main character (played by Bill
y
Bob Thornton) because they are both very sensitive people who fee
l
disconnected and hurt by a world that doesn't understand or appreciat
e
them, and as a result must wear a social mask that is different fro
m

their inner self. The only major difference is that SlingBlade is a fuckin
g
genius, while Karl Childers is mildly retarded.
]
This was only like the fourth or fifth time I'd ever hung out with him, s
o
I didn't really understand how unpredictable and random he could be
.
After we got to the bar and had some drinks, I was talking to a ho
t
UNC soccer player and Sling Blade was playing wingman with he
r
friend. I guess the girl he was talking to was an idiot, because eventuall
y
he got bored, and when he gets bored you never know what he'l
l
do to entertain himself
:

Girl "So, do you like Duke?
"
Sling Blade [imagine his voice in a low, baritone rumble, like Billy Bo
b
Thornton in the movie] "Some folks call it a Kaiser blade, but I call it
a
sling blade, hrmmmm.
"

Girl "Excuse me?
"
Sling Blade "I reckon I want me some of them French fried taters
,
hrmmm.
"
Girl "What did you say?
"
SlingBlade "I reckon you bout dumb as post, hrrmmm.
"
Girl [to me] "Your friend is scaring me.
"
Tucker "Me too.
"

After a few nights of this, I stopped trying to fight it and just went along
,
because after all-it is pretty damn funny. We'd be talking to som
e
girls, and if they bored us or pissed us off, we'd just bust out with thes
e
improvised mini-montages from the movie. Usually, I'd play the role o
f
Doyle Hargraves, the abusive boyfriend (played in the movie by Dwigh
t
Yoakum)
:

Sling Blade "I reckon this'n girl bout to fuck you, hrmmmm.
"
Tucker [in a redneck voice] "Boy, you shut yer mouth or I will beat th
e
dog shit outta yew.
"
Sling Blade "I want me some of that there vaginer, hrrmmmm.
"
Tucker "Dat's it! Linda-I'm bout fed up with this retard hangin' roun
d
the house!
"
Random Girl "What is wrong with you two?
"

Even though he can be weird in a lot of ways, Sling Blade is a legit comedic genius. The purest example of this is "The McGriddle Argument. "On the message board attached to my site, SlingBlade and we were talking about a McDonalds breakfast sandwich called theMcGriddle. This is the basic transcript of the discussion:

Tucker: "Dude-that thing looks disgusting. It has to be nasty, with the syrupshit in it. What is that?"

SlingBlade: "I can only assume from your cavalier attitude that you haveyet to partake of the wonderment that is the McGriddle. Let me enlighten you. What happens is the One True God grows them on treesin the Elysian Fields using a heretofore unused incantation. He then proceeds to magic them down to your local eatery where whatever Ghetto Bastard cook your McDonalds has rescued from welfare that week proceeds to wrap it in cellophane and pass it along to you, the fortunate consumer. You proceed to ingest this finery in the vain hope that your obviously overmatched taste buds can somehow grasp
the delectable intricacies it is suddenly faced with. Is that egg? Why yes it is, and bacon too. But wait-they didn't add ... yes they did, yes they did indeed. They added cheese. And then, then my friends, they wrapped it in a sumptuous pancake bun! As your taste buds try to process that amazing piece of information, IT hits them ...the syrup nugget. THE MOTHERFUCKING SYRUP NUGGET! It announces itself with a burst of confectionery grandiosity the likes of which your palate has never seen."

Tucker: "So you like them?"

SlingBlade: "If you EVER speak ill of the McGriddle again I will personally force-feed you one while I fuck you in the butt using the wrapper as a condom and then donkey punch you when the infused syrup nuggets explode in your mouth."

Ironically, I think more people on my message board have commented on that than anything I've ever written there.

But of all his little quirks, one characteristic truly defines Sling Blade: his issues with women. The first few times we went out, the same basic thing happened: I'd hit on a hot girl, he'd play wingman and hit on her friend, but invariably he'd get depressed and/or upset with her, insult her, and she would run off crying or get mad at him. At first this was bothersome, because the hot girl I was talking to would usually leave with pissed off/upset friend. But after I got used to it, I was more intrigued than upset. This was a decent looking guy who was not only blowing pussy, he was doing it on purpose. Who does this?

I had to drag it out of him, but I discovered what is perhaps the most defining story of his life: He and his high school girlfriend, the love of his life, went to different undergrads. He never cheated on her because he is an honest and moral man, but she did not possess the same integrity. She fucked half her school, and never told him. At least not until he went down to visit her and didn't understand why all these guys kept coming by her room asking her what she was doing later ... until she dumped him and asked him to leave. He has never recovered, and still cannot deal with women on a meaningful romantic level.

After that sort of trauma I can understand having issues with intimacy, but he should still be able to hook up. You don't have to be in love to

fuck, right? Even though Sling Blade agreed with that notion in principle
,
it didn't work for him in practice
.

You know that saying, "Any club that would let me be a member,
I
wouldn't want to join?" Sling Blade assumed that any girl that he like
d
enough to want to fuck, wouldn't want to fuck him. But any girl who di
d
want to fuck him without first knowing him and respecting him, h
e
automatically thought was a whore ... and he refused to sleep with a gir
l
he regarded as a whore. This absurd Catch-22 pretty much guarantee
d
that Sling Blade got no ass
.

Add in his low tolerance for stupidity and his utter disdain for whoris
h
female behavior, combine it with the fact that many of the girls I hit o
n
fit right into either the dumb or slutty categories that he hated, and yo
u
have a recipe for hilarity. This is only one example
:

A few months after law school graduation I went up to DC to visi
t
SlingBlade for a weekend. He was in bad shape, even for him
.
Working 70 hours a week doing document review as a temp (the lowes
t
level of legal work), living in a crappy over-priced apartment i
n
Alexandria, no women or prospects, Sling Blade was as thoroughl
y
depressed as I've ever seen him. From what I could tell, the only thin
g
that brought him joy was beating his roommate at Tetris. I decided t
o
take him out, get him drunk and see if I couldn't get him out of hi
s
despair
.

We pre-partied at his place and get hammered, then went to some ba
r
in Clarendon that was packed with hot girls. Across the bar I see wha
t
I think is a super hot girl
.

Tucker "Look at her; that girl is hot.
"
SlingBlade "She probably looks alright when it's dark
.
Tucker "What are you talking about? She's hot.
"
SlingBlade "Here's a shock. Let's see: she's a tall slutty blonde, an
d
You are drunk. Cupid has spoken.
"

We walk over there, but before I can hit on her I realize much to m
y
dismay that SlingBlade was right: Her hot face and great tits ar
e
paired with ghetto booty and elephant legs. This girl had a cover-o
f
Maxim upper body and a World's Strongest Man lower body
.
SlingBlade "HAAHHAHAHHAAH-Welcome to Zerosville, population
:
Her.
"

Tucker "I need some more shots.
"
SlingBlade "Well, you know who to go to if your car gets stuck and yo
u
Need a push.
"

Tucker "Dude ... just leave me alone right now. If I hook up with her
,
You can make fun of me all you want tomorrow, but let me have m
y
illusion tonight.
"

She comes over and starts flirting with me before I can even get m
y
Shots down. I played it coy as I talked to her, but not because I wa
s
trying to run advanced game; I was trying to hurry up and get drunk s
o
Her legs would look skinnier
.

Tucker "So, what do you do?
"

ElephantLegs "Well I'm about to finish school, but I've been doin
g
some modeling and I'll probably do that full time when I graduate.
"
SlingBlade "You're a model? Right, and the red 'S' on my chest mean
s
that I'm Superman." [Did 1mention that he was wearing a Superma
n
shirt ... to a bar?
]

ElephantLegs "I mode!!
"

SlingBlade "I might believe you were a model if you didn't have suc
h
fat legs. Oh wait-have you been in a Lane Bryant catalog? That kin
d
of modeling?
"

ElephantLegs "NO!!
"

Tucker "In her defense, do you realize how much money plus-size
d
models can make? It's shocking.
"

Elephantlegs "I DON'T PLUS SIZE MODEL!! I'll have you know tha
t
Ford signed me to a contract just last week!
"

Sling Blade "Whatever. You did that on your back.
"

One great thing about Sling Blade's attitude was that he was truly grea
t
at unintentionally playing "The Bad Guy." When you are picking u
p
girls, sometimes having an asshole friend can actually work toward
s
your advantage. Though this girl was all pissed off and huffy a
t
Sling Blade, it made her more into me. Not only is it easy to be Th
e
Good Guy when a Bad Guy is there, but that little exchange made he
r

really want to fuck me, just to prove that the Bad Guy was wrong an
d
that she was desirable
.

But there is a limit to what a girl will endure before she gets pissed an
d
leaves. I talked to her for a while longer, solidified my position, and the
n
took Sling Blade around to try and get him in with another girl. And o
f
course if I can trade up too, that's always a plus
.

The next group of girls we talked to were really cute, and one seeme
d
into SlingBlade
.

Girl "I totally recognize you from somewhere.
"
SlingBlade "Perhaps we go to the same comic book store.
"
He said that sarcastically, but she didn't get the joke
.
Girl "No, no, that isn't it. I think I saw you riding a bicycle the other day
,
over in Ballston.
"
SlingBlade "Are you fucking stupid?
"
Girl "What?
"
Sling Blade "Yeah, I was riding my bike to the porn store. I take my bik
e
there so no one will recognize me.
"
Girl "I have to go find my friends.
"

I get us in with another pair of really cute girls. Things were going grea
t
for me ... sadly SlingBlade's girl was not quite up to the task
:
Girl "I am hoping to get my masters in psych after I get my BA.
"
SlingBlade "It takes someone very smart to get a psych degree.
"
Girl "I'm smart.
"
Sling Blade "The smartest thing to ever come out of your mouth is
a
penis.
"
Girl "I'm NOT STUPID!
"
SlingBlade "IT STOPS TALKING TO ITS INTEllECTUAL SUPERIO
R
OR ITGETS THE HOSE.
"

She turns and walks away
.
SlingBlade grabs his nipples like Buffalo Bill in Silence of the Lambs
,
"I'DFUCKME!!
"
Tucker "Dude, do you realize that when you insult one girl, you aren'
t
Just fucking it up with her, you are polluting her entire group of friends
.
See those girls that she's sitting with? Now as far as that group i
s
concerned, we might as well be lepers.
"

SlingBlade "Did you hear the nonsensical prattle spewing from he
r
pie-hole?" Tucker "Dude, I am your best friend. Help me out here.
"

SlingBlade "Best friend? I can't begin to elucidate my hatred for you.
"
Tucker "That's the funny thing: I really am your best friend, but if I die
d
tomorrow, I don't know if you'd come to my funeral
"

SlingBlade" I don't know. Maybe ... if nothing good was on TV.
"
I try one more time to get him set up with another girl, but that end
s
before I can even get them both drinks. As I am ordering, he yells out
:
"FELLATIOWON'T FILL THE HOLE IN YOUR SOUL!!
"

That pretty much sealed his fate with all the other girls at the bar, s
o
We head back to Elephantlegs. In a stroke of luck, this time she's wit
h
Some other girl. OtherGirl is very pretty, has a great body, and seem
s
sweet, so she and Sling Blade get along well enough that when the ba
r
closes, the four of us decide to go to IHOP together. As we are walkin
g
out, I pull Sling Blade aside
:

Tucker "Dude, be cool, this one likes you and wants to hook up. Jus
t
be yourself and everything will be fine. She seems like a good girl
"
SlingBlade "Yeah, I think so. And if she doesn't find my unique blend o
f
caustic wit and political satire amusing, I'll just pull out the 'B' game
:
potty humor and slightly veiled masturbation references.
"
I should have just pushed him into traffic right then to save us all time
,
But what can I say, I'm a loyal friend
.

We get to IHOP and there are, about thirty people, mostly black an
d
Hispanic, waiting in line. SlingBlade storms in front of them, yelling
:
"There are white people who need to eat, make some room, whit
e
people need a table, outta the way.
"

It was obviously a joke, and most people got it and laughed. Th
e
Alexandria City cop working the door did not
.

Cop "If your attitude doesn't improve, you are going to sort it out in th
e
tank.
"

Sling Blade "OK, Mr. Plastic Badge. So, which section of the polic
e
academy entrance did you fail, hmm? Perhaps it was the hospitalit
y
portion.
"

Tucker "Dude-he's a real cop.
"

SlingBlade "Oh ... we'll be leaving now.
"

We take the girls across the street to Denny's. I guess they have lower standards for seating drunk idiots than IHOP because they give us a table immediately. SlingBlade goes to the bathroom and when he gets back he tells the table:

"Dude, taking antibiotics and then drinking beer is a bad idea. I just let loose a symphony of bowel movements, each in different pitches and melodies. It was like a poop xylophone in there."

I think this is hilarious, while the girls do not. Some people just don't get good potty humor. After we order, Sling Blade and OtherGirl start getting to know each other.

OtherGirl "So what do you do in your free time?"

Sling Blade "Cut up Guatemalan hookers and bury them in shallow graves by the interstate."