I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell (27 page)

10:31:
I turn to Rich and Eddie: "She'll never recover from that. She'll never be the same. I've completely ruined a human being. Years of expensive therapy and costly drugs can't reverse that kind of damage ... yeah, I have an upper management role in Hell reserved for me." Rich looks at me and says into the voice recorder, "Damage assessment: Total." I got the joke the next day.

10:32:
We spend the next 45 minutes talking to girls. Surprisingly, most do not seem thrilled to talk to us.

11:16:
The fat girl from the first kitchen encounter comes over. With reinforcements.

Her backup: A small frail dork that looks like he just finished a Magic The Gathering tournament, a heinous Asian girl, and a
greasy haired fat doofus in a camouflage vest. I ask you-Am I here right now? Is this my life?

11:17:
The girl starts saying something about what a horrible person I am. I stare at her, but I am not listening. I am preparing myself. I am B-Rabbit. This is the final battle rap. I will win the hostile crowd: [I interrupt the fat girl] "Ward, I think you're being a little hard on the Beaver, [as I point to each in turn] so is Eddie Haskell, Wally, and Mrs. Cleaver." [To the fat guy with greasy hair in the camo vest] "Look out everyone! It's the Pillsbury Commando! Hey Chunk, when was the last time you washed your hair? Does it give you more hit points to have that grease helmet? I hate to break the news, but +5 defense only counts in Dungeons and Dragons." [To the ugly Asian girl] "Why you no rike me? You want me frip over? You no piss me off! ME FIND YOU IN POCKING ROT!! YOU NO TAKE MING ARIVE!!" [To the small frail dork-I notice he has a lazy eye] "Dude-Look at me when I'm talking to you-BOTH EYES AT ONCE. Are you really this ugly or are you just playing? EVERYONE, BE CAREFUL, THIS GUY LURKS UNDER THE STAIRS AND TRIES TO LICK YOUR SHOES WHEN YOU PASS BY!" [To the original fatty, pause for effect] "Why do you do this to yourself? WHY DO YOU DO THIS TO YOURSELF? Look, I'm gonna give you some advice: Leave the party, take the geek squad with you, go to Denny's, order about 10 Grand Slam Breakfasts, and eat your pain away. Won't be the first time, will it?"

11:19:
I am finished. The kitchen is quiet, except for Eddie and Rich laughing. The four freaks are completely speechless. Everyone is staring at me. I blurt out, "WHAT? I'm pretty sure it's what Jesus would've done." Eddie and Rich promptly remove me from the kitchen.

11:42:
The absinthe is kicking into third gear. I am feeling euphoric. Manic even. This is the weirdest drunk I've ever had. I decide it is time to get my little pencil wet.

11:54:
I see a hot girl. I walk over and use one of my favorite lines, "Hi. I haven't insulted you yet, have I?" She laughs. I am in.

11:58:
I see the large diamond and accompanying gold band on her finger. Hot Girl is Married Girl.

12:06:
I talk to Married Girl for a few minutes. I try to think of a goo
d
way to broach the marriage subject to find out if she wants to hook u
p
with me. This is difficult, as my mind is a spinning miasma of absinthe
.

12:07:
I can't think of anything new or good, so I decide to go with m
y
standard married shtick, which has never worked for me, ever, no
t
even once
:
Tucker "So you're married?
"
Married Girl "Yeah.
"
Tucker "Is it a good marriage?
"

12:08:
Married Girl looks at me, looks down, looks back at me, an
d
almos
t
breaks into tears. Married Girl begins pouring her heart out t
o
me. I guess she didn't drink any absinthe. Because she is hot, I decid
e
to be nice to her
.

12:23:
Married Girl gets to an emotional part and does actually start t
o
cry. I suggest we go into another room so we can "talk in private.
"
Married Girl readily agrees and tells me that I am "so nice.
"

12:45:
Married Girl and I are hooking up. Holy shit this is working
!
Being nice is great! Who would have ever thought?!
?

12:47:
Married Girl breaks into tears again. I console her
.

12:51:
Married Girl and I are hooking up
.

12:56:
Married Girl breaks into tears. I console her. And undo her bra
.
With one hand. I got skillz
.

12:59:
Married Girl and I are hooking up
.

1:05:
Married Girl breaks into tears. I just stare at her. I suggest t
o
Married Girl that perhaps the best thing to do right now is to go wit
h
what feels natural, and not worry about other painful things in her life
.
As proof that I am doing this, I tell her that my friends are shipping t
o
Iraq soon, but I'm still at a party hooking up with her. Married Gir
l
agrees with this logic
.

1:06:
Married Girl and I are hooking up. Clothes come off
.

1:12:
Married Girl breaks into tears. Again. "I don't know; I ... I ...
I

just can't do this. I'm not like this."

1:13:
I get up and return to the party. Tears do not make hooking up fun. Being nice sucks.

1:15:
I tell Eddie there is a girl waiting for him in the bedroom next to the guest bathroom. "Really?" I hand him a condom, "Oh yeah dude, she was asking me all about you. She's already got her clothes off and everything. Go to it."

1:16:
Rich and I laugh hysterically as Eddie goes into the room. We fully expect Eddie to come out any minute.

1:20:
No Eddie.

1:25:
No Eddie.

1:30:
No Eddie. I want to go in and see what's going on, "Hey-it's my pussy after all. I primed that pump!" Rich convinces me to stay away, "Hey John Maynard Keynes; hold off. This could be the last pussy he's getting for awhile. Military women are ugly."

1:43:
The friend who told me about the party has been dispatched to throw me and my friends out, "Dude, everyone here is scared of you. Your friends are huge and you have successfully insulted everyone. That one fucking girl you said owed you a rib or something-dude, she was crying to [the host]. Literally crying. You're like Attila the Hun. You laid waste to this party."

1:46:
Rich convinces me that we should just leave Eddie, "Dude, he's an operator. He can find his own way home. The kid made his bones in Bosnia, I think he can find his way around Chicago."

2:04:
Rich wants pussy. I take him to a club. I hate clubs.

2:05:

We go to a place called Rive Gauche. It should be called Lotsa Douche. Almost as soon as we walk in, some skinny shitbag idiot starts spinning glow sticks right in my face. This enrages me. I shove him down and kick him in the spine.

2:05:

Rich bear hugs me and carries me to a VIP booth before anyone figures out what happened.

2:07:
I pass out in the booth.

2:30:
I wake up to see Rich trying to eat the face of some skank. She looks like something he scraped off his shoe.

2:36:
I am not feeling good. Mr. Absinthe is about to send me a bill for his services.

2:44:
I make it to the toilet. I can feel the vomit coming.

2:45:
My intestines, without subtlety, tell me that I have a higher priority. I nearly pass out on the toilet from my colon's version of Shock and Awe.

2:47:
As I am crapping out my internal organs, Mr. Absinthe teams with Ms. Poetic Justice to eject everything in my stomach right out of my face.

2:48:
I lean to my left to prevent vomit from getting on my clothes, but my shift moves my ass off the side of the toilet seat and causes me to shit watery diarrhea all over the toilet seat and floor.

2:49:
I look over at the shit, catch a whiff of it, and start vomiting again. On top of the shit.

2:53:
I stand up, clean myself, and survey the damage. It looks like a tapioca abortion.

2:58:
I come out of the bathroom and inform the line that "I am Shiva, Destroyer of Worlds."

3:04:
Back at the VIP table. Rich has nearly undressed The Skank and is investigating all of her orifices. His hand will never smell the same.

3:12:
The Skank has a friend. She is staggeringly drunk. She makes fun of The Skank and tells me I am hot. Maybe clubs aren't so bad.

3:14:
The Friend tells me I am way too sober. I agree. We go shot for shot with vodka.

3:40:
After about 3 shots, she tells me, "I think I am getting really drunk. I always do stupid things when I'm drunk." Strike up the band, we have a winner.

3:50:
Rich takes The Skank to the bathroom to fuck. The friend says to me, "About time. I'm surprised she didn't just go down on him at the table. That's what she did last weekend."

4:
12: The Friend does not mince words, "Let's get out of here. I don't want to fuck in a club bathroom. I have standards ... well ... some standards." I can't make this shit up.

4:15:
The Friend hands me her keys. I ask her, "You want me to drive your car?" She says, "Well, you're more sober than I am." This statement makes me laugh. I am so drunk I am not sure I could read.

4:40:
She lives far away. I don't know where I am.

4:45:
We cannot find parking. She has me drop her off at her building and tells me to come up when I find a parking place. I decide that she is a bitch. I think that she will "accidentally" get my dick in her ass when we are fucking doggy style.

4:50:
I still cannot find ANYWHERE to park. This is infuriating me.

4:55:
I parallel park the car into a space that is too small. I try to force it in. The car gets stuck on the curb. I slam on the gas, the wheels spin until they catch and jump the car onto the sidewalk, crashing it into a storefront.

4:56:
I get out of the car. I am INSIDE of a donut shop. With the car. Shattered glass crunches under my feet as I investigate the damage. There are broken and fractured tables scattered all across the store. The car has only a few scratches. I am in shock and completely unsure about what to do. I have never driven a car into a store before.

4:57:
Thankfully the donut shop is closed and empty of people. I still don't know what to do. I start laughing to myself. I look behind the counter, but the donuts are all put away.

4:58:
I decide that while I find this funny, the car owner, the donut shop owner, and the police would not find it funny. The letters "DUI" leap to mind. The phrase, "destruction of property" also appears. I decide that felony hit and run is not funny anymore.

4:59: I pull the car out of the donut shop, park it in a tow zone, wipe all
my fingerprints from the entire car, throw the keys into some bushes, and take off running.

5:01:
I get my cell phone and desperately call Rich. I tell his voice mail that under NO CIRCUMSTANCES should he tell The Skank what my name is, who I am, or anything about me. It is Tucker Luck that on the one night when I need to stay anonymous I have someone in special forces to run my operational security.

5:
15: I am still running. I lost count of the number of blocks I had traveled somewhere around 30.

5:30:
I finally get home. I am completely fucking exhausted and feel like dying. I have probably only run like five or six miles but I know what Pheidippides must have felt like. My feet are bleeding, but I am safe. I pass out.

Rich was smart enough to not only give The Skank a fake name, but a fake phone number. It's standard operating procedure for him anyway. It's been awhile and I haven't seen anything in papers or police reports, so I guess I am OK.

It turned out that Eddie and Married Girl hooked up about 4 times and then they both passed out. The hostess found them the next morning, screamed, both Eddie and Married Girl jumped up, threw on their clothes and tore out of the house. Both were guests of people who were invited, so neither knew anyone who lived in the house.

When asked about how he succeeded with Married Girl where Tucker failed, Eddie simply smiled and said, "That was easy. I walked in and she was already naked. The hardest part was done. After that it was just a little patience and some sweet talking. Come on man; I run black ops for a living-this was cake."

I have no idea what ultimately happened to that girl or her car. Oh well ... next time she'll stay in the car with the guy until it's parked.