I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell (17 page)

I shrug my shoulders, say, "Uhh, sorry. I mean, uh ... 10siento. Goo
d
night. Buenos noche ... or whatever," and calmly walk to the elevator
.
From the glass window in the elevator, I can see her openly weeping
.
The rest of the lobby tells me why: Not only had my legs kicked shit u
p
on the back of my ears and head, they had sprayed little specs of poo
p
all over EVERYTHING. The couches, the walls, everywhere
.
Whoops. Oh well, someone has to clean up my messes, and it sure a
s
shit isn't going to be me
.

When I get back to the room, Sling Blade is already in bed. He roll
s
over, takes one look at me and, never one for sympathy, begins laughin
g
uncontrollably. He literally has to stop laughing because he strain
s
his abdominal muscle. It takes him five full minutes before he can ge
t
the words out: SlingBlade "Where ... where the fuck are your pants?
"
Tucker "FUCK YOU ASSHOLE. This is all your fault, Mr. Rhino Dump
.
If you hadn't had that miscarriage in our toilet I wouldn't be COVERE
D
IN SHIH
'

He couldn't stop laughing long enough to respond. I took what remaine
d
of my dignity and got in the shower. He was still laughing whe
n
I got out, and in between giggle fits, managed to get this out
:
"This is clear proof that there is a God, and that he is just!
"

Day Three: The Yellow Rose and The Arrest

I awoke the next day to PWJ coming back into the room around 10am.

I recounted my shit-in-the-Iobby story, and after he collected himself
,
he told us about his night
:
PWJ "Yeah, thanks a lot Tucker, you fucking asshole.
"
Tucker "Hey, it's not my fault that you are into manatees.
"
SlingBlade "Did she give a whale call when you were tubing her?
"
PWJ "Fuck you.
"
Tucker "So, did you actually fuck her?
"
PWJ "Yeah.
"
Tucker "I can't wait until one day The Manatee shows up with fat geniu
s
children with thimble heads and claims they're yours.
"
SlingBlade "WAIT-You fucked her? What about her promise ring?
"
PWJ "She had a promise ring?
"
SlingBlade "What a whore.
"

Of course, this sent us into eruptions of laughter. Apparently, Th
e
Manatee had told SlingBlade (but not PWJ) that she was nearly engage
d
to her boyfriend, who was out of town that weekend. It turns ou
t
Sling Blade is right for once: This one really is a cheating slut. PW
J
went on, PWJ "Now I know why she made me fuck her on the floor-he
r
bed creaks and she didn't want her roommates to know she wa
s
cheating on her boyfriend.
"
SlingBlade "I hate women.
"
PWJ "You should have been there this morning when she dropped m
e
off. She pulled up to the hotel and said, 'Thanks. It was nice to mee
t
you.' I said, 'Yes it was,' got out and came up here. That was it.
"
Tucker "You mean you didn't take her to breakfast?
"
PWJ "Fuck you.
"
SlingBlade "He can't afford it. He's on financial aid as it is.
"
I made Sling Blade call down to the front desk to get our toilet unclogged
.
About 30 minutes later, the door flung open and a woma
n
who could have been Pootie Tang's mother started to scream at us
:
Maid "Who kilt my toilet?
"
Sling Blade "That was me. I'm sorry; I'll have a written apology to yo
u
in the morning.
"
Maid "Iz aight. At least it didn' flood the seelin so's da people dow
n
stairs'all 'Why da hell shit comin' down from ma seelin'?'
"
She quickly and efficiently went to work, every few minutes yellin
g
something barely intelligible out of the bathroom, "DAMN BOY
,
what'chu been eatin'? You be needin some Mylanta. Hehehehe.
"

We spent the day resting up, and eventually met up with the rest of th
e
crew at Mermaid's apartment. We pre-partied there for a few hours
,
and went back out in Austin, except this time we went out on 4t
h

street, which is less of a college crowd and more of a young professional crowd. We started at a place called Lavaca Street because they had table shuffleboard, and EI Bingeroso is addicted to that game. Dirty and I played EI Bingeroso and Mermaid, and we spent the next 2 hours beating them like Gitmo detainees. This absolutely incensed EI Bingeroso. He is very proud of his ability at table shuffleboard, so me beating him was beyond the pale for his ego.

He started drinking ... but not happy drinking. It was like he was trying to douse his anger with alcohol. Every game we won would make him drink faster. After 2 hours of losing, he was fuming mad and very drunk. Being a good friend, I was a gracious winner: Tucker "I thought you were good at this game? You are a failure. Dirty and I aren't even trying anymore. Beating you is like teasing fat people; it's just too easy. You aren't even a man. Did Kristy forget to let you bring your sack with you on this trip?" EI Bing "FUCK YOU ASSHOLE. I'LL BEAT YOUR ASS." Tucker "You can't even beat me at table shuffleboard. Do you have fucking palsy or something? Why can't you throw the puck straight? I'm shit-faced and I'm better than you. You are fucked up ... you can't even out drink me." EI Bing "WHAT? YOU ARE THE WORST DRINKER I HAVE EVER SEEN. YOU DRINK LIKE A FUCKING SEVEN YEAR OLD." Then EI Bingeroso made the bet that would cause a Butterfly Effect on both our lives, "MOTHERFUCKER, I'LL OUT DRINK YOU THREE-TOONE. ANYTHING! YOU PICK IT, I'LL DO THREE FOR EVERY ONE YOU DO, YOU FUCKING KINDERGARTEN DRINKER!" I'd done it now ... I'd finally pushed EI Bingeroso too far. Almost immediately, Mermaid appeared with four shots of tequila. Mr. Tequila does not get along with Tucker. In fact, Mr. Tequila turns Tucker from normal-happy-drunk Tucker into violently-hurl-all-over-everything Tucker.

Tucker "I'd rather eat out a bull's ass than take a shot of tequila." Mermaid [Sniff, sniff] "I smell a pussy." I throw my shot back, and barely keep myself from throwing up. Isn't alcohol fun? This is one of the few times I can remember where someone successfully manipulated me into something. EI Bingeroso gets through the first three shots relatively easy. Mermaid shows up five minutes later with four more shots. EI Bingeroso and I stare at each other. Even though we are holding it together, we both know that if we do these shots, it's over. I know I'm going to vomit, and he knows he's going to go into a drunken violent

rage and black out. But come on, we're 24-year-old guys, do you reall
y
think either of us are going to back down
?

I do my shot first because I figure that I have less to lose, as I am no
t
engaged, nor do I even like myself very much. EI Bingeroso does tw
o
of his shots. I run to the trash can and vomit my guts out
.

Of course, EI Bingeroso leads the rest of the bar in merciless taunts.
I
deserve it, as I have just vomited from two tequila shots (and the 15 o
r
so beers I already had in my stomach). My only solace came when
I
saw EI Bingeroso do his sixth and final tequila shot. It was like watchin
g
one of those NFL's Greatest Hits videos where they show the momen
t
of impact in slow motion, and you can actually watch the receive
r
go from conscious to unconsciousness or see the quarterback's le
g
bones penetrate his sock as they compound fracture. I could see E
I
Bingeroso go over the edge. His eyes started moving independentl
y
like a chameleon's, his knees buckled, and he had to catch himself o
n
the table. His fate was sealed. He quickly recovered and stood u
p
straight again, but I've been drinking with him enough to know the resul
t
of that little sequence: He's going to jail
.

SlingBlade goes to the bar to get us a round of beers. While there, h
e
starts up a conversation with an older lady who was sitting on a ba
r
stool by herself with a poodle in her lap
:
Woman "I wish I were young again, and full of piss and vinegar lik
e
you guys.
"
Sling Blade "We're just full of alcohol and Mexican food. You could d
o
that.
"
Woman "Oh my! You are funny.
"
As Sling Blade chatted her up, he surreptitiously fed her dog beer
.
When she discovered this, it did not please her
.
Woman "WHAT ARE YOU DOING! Oh my goodness, Pookie, are yo
u
OK?
"
SlingBlade "Your dog has a drinking problem, you might want to loo
k
into that. Take him to doggie AA or something.
"
Woman "WHY DID YOU GIVE BEER TO MY DOG!
"
SlingBlade "Your dog drank my beer. There is a difference.
"
The bartender stepped in
.
Bartender "You and your friends are cut off.
"
SlingBlade "WHAT? I am 165 pounds of pure athleticism. I can recycl
e
alcohol with impunity. Bring me more beer woman, and be quick abou
t
it." Bartender "Don't make me call the police.
"

That was pretty much it for us. Mermaid took us to some other bar tha
t
was located in an alley, and before any of us even knew what wa
s
happening, EI Bingeroso was tossing trash cans around, knockin
g
over dumpsters and kicking doors down. He was in full-on E
I
Bingeroso Destroy Mode. He's the type of drunk that makes you wonde
r
why alcohol is classified as a depressant
.

It was clear we had to get him off the street. While deciding what to do
,
we came across one of the numerous street musicians that swarm 6t
h
street. Some guy was playing "Friends in Low Places" on his guitar
,
and next thing we know, EI Bingeroso has his arm around him, croonin
g
at the top of his lungs
:
EI Bing "CAUUUUSE I GOT FRIENDS IN LOW PLACES, WHER
E
THE WHISKEY DROWNS AND THE BEER CHASES ... MY BLUE
S
AWAY ... AND TUCKER IS GAY ...
"
The guitar guy stops playing, and tries to help EI Bingeroso out
:
Guy "Man, you need to put that beer down, there are open containe
r
laws in Texas.
"
EI Bing "YOU WANNA GO?
"
Tucker "EL BINGEROSO, STOP IT-he's trying to help you.
"
EI Bing "YOU WANNA FIGHT TOO? Come on jackass, gimme som
e
more Garth before I kick your teeth in. I'LL DO IT!
"
Guy "You need to get your friend away from me.
"
If I had a nickel for every time I've heard that said about me or m
y
friends, I'd be driving a Bugatti
.

While this went down, SlingBlade was making friends with one of th
e
numerous homeless denizens of Austin. One beggar sparked thi
s
exchange
:
Beggar "Hey man, do you like, have any change man?
"
SlingBlade "Hahahhahahaha. He talks like you, EI Bingeroso! I bet h
e
was a promising law student once, before the huff-huff and all. Com
e
here EI Bingeroso, take a look into your future!
"
Beggar "Do I get some change, man?
"
SlingBlade "Tell you what-I will give you all my change if you give m
e
that can of beer in your pocket.
"
Beggar "But ... it's alii have. I live on the streets, man.
"
SlingBlade "IT ACCEPTS THE DEAL OR IT DOESN'T GET M
Y
CHANGE.
"
Beggar "OK, man, OK. Here you go.
"
SlingBlade "Very nice. I don't have any change, but thanks for th
e
beer.
"
Beggar "But ... but ... man, that beer was all I had. I live on th
e