I Heart My Little A-Holes (20 page)

Warning: the following letter is full of gross language, a lot of F words and crap men don’t want to hear. And you know if I’m warning you, this shit’s gonna be bad. Just sayin’. Still here? Okay then, here we go.

Dear Vajayjay,

We’ve been together for a long time now, so I feel like I can be honest with you. WTH happened? You used to be my trusted little gal but ever since I had the kiddos you’ve really let yourself go.

I used to be able to put down like a keg of beer and you’d “hold it” until I was up to my eyeballs in urine, but now I can barely get through the intro to Modern Family without soiling the sofa. Thank God for microfiber, right? I’m telling you, the person sitting next to me sneezes and a little sneaks out of me. WTF?

And here’s the thing, Gina, I don’t get it. Can we just pause for a moment here and ask who chooses to name their daughter Gina? It’s literally the nickname for vagina. But I digress.

Let’s just say for the sake of this discussion that I didn’t have two C-sections and that I actually shot two 8-pound bowling balls out my hoo-ha like Mother Nature intended. It’s not like I had my babies through the pee hole and it got all stretched out or something.

And that’s kind of beside the point anyways because I didn’t even have them through you. I got my damn FUPA sliced open so they could airlift those babies out of me. Is
that
what this is about, Vaj? You’re pissed at me because I didn’t use your F’ing birth canal? I’ve got one word for you: episiotomy. Or as I like to call it, cutting your vagina open with a pair of scissors. Here are five more words for you: Holy F’ing shit that hurts.

Anyways, let’s pull it together here. I’m 40, you’re 40, we’re not F’ing senior citizens yet. I refuse to buy Depends until I’m at least 65 (now if some angel out there were to drop off a box on my porch, I’m not saying I’d be totally against it, especially for situations like long car rides and county fairs that only have porta potties with names like Oui Oui).

So pull your shit together (can I say that to a vajayjay?). If that means you’ve got to do some kegels once in a while, go for it. I may not have time to exercise, but that doesn’t mean you can’t. ’Cause if you don’t start doing a better job I’m putting in a catheter. A big ole unlubricated one made out of sandpaper. Oh yeah, spell check, then how the F do you spell unlubricated? It’s just lubricated with un on the front of it. Duh.

And if that’s not incentive enough, V, how’s this for a threat? Hold my pee in from now on or I’m pulling out the big guns. Yup, say adios to your favorite vibrating toy. I’m taking out the double A’s and putting them into some lame ass remote control downstairs. And not a cool one like the universal remote.

Don’t you queef at me. I’m serious. Oh shit, I think I just crossed a line. Yes, even I have a line.

Love and kisses,
The bitch that owns you

Holy crap, did you seriously read this whole book?! Thank you! You deserve a gold medal or something. Yeah, seriously.

How to claim your prize:

1. Go to your kid’s art supplies.

2. Find some yellow construction paper.

3. Cut out a round circle and write the words “gold medal” on it.

4. Find a safety pin and attach it to your shirt.

5. Clean up the construction paper before your kid sees it and wants to do some F’ing art project that’s all messy and shit and will require lots of help from you and that you’ll have to put up on the fridge even though it SUCKS ASS until a few days have passed and you can bury it at the bottom of the trashcan when your kid’s not looking.

6. Wear that shitty gold medal with pride and if someone looks at you weird tell them to F off and respect your ass because Baby Sideburns gave it to you.

Thank you to my amazing husband who has always supported me in everything I do, even when it’s terribly embarrassing.

Thank you to my parents whose love and support has gotten me to where I am today.

Thank you to Lyssa Bowen who illustrated this book hilariously, and who took my endless comments like a champ.

And a HUGE-ASS (is that hyphenated? I’m not sure) THANK YOU to the people who supported my Kickstarter project. Without your help, I would never have been able to complete my lifelong dream of writing this book. I hope you like it.

And here is a special shout out to some of those awesome supporters (in no particular order). Thanks so much:

Domestic Goddess Crystalyn Huegen

Mini Boss of the Walter Household: Princess Zoe Rose

The best and most perfect and wonderful Gramma of Princess Serene, Susan Breding

Queen Doodlebug & Sir Tunkabutt McCormick

Supernurse Sandy Hall

Mommy Mojo

Neighbor For Life Stacey Slater (you know it sister!)

Erin “I-Wish-I-Lived-Next-Door-To-Baby-Sideburns” Pauls

Lisa Dwyer-Edison

JayDee

Sarah Holbrook Bolding (whose new name looks fabulous)

Grandma Cindy Alpert, who’s awesome for lots of reasons but especially because she gives me all of her People magazines

Katelyn & Hannah Tarnoff (two of the sweetest sisters on earth)

Bladerunners Vince, Isabel & Eric

Her Royal Canadian Majesty, Quinn Wyse

Lady Jennifer L. Campbell

Erin (The down-trodden servant to a house full of boys)

Abby Robinson

Kristin Gaspe Girl McCallum

Valerie “Scrunchies Forever” Mazzelli

Kamila Starzynski

Tracy “Toys” Donaldson

The Boy, Jelly Donut, and Baby Morea! (CIA)

ApeBro

saucyabby

Andrea Griffiths

Roberto+Natasha=MaverikDustinChad Mannino

Ashley Endicott

Lauren NeverAMomentToMyself McEwen

Karen Last, Tribe Leader

The Kwimmers

Lady Leigh Whiting

Melissa Hodge…Evalina’s momma <3

Sandra “Supermom” Lott
Lucyna Mackay Esquire

Deborah (you know!)…The Queen

The Mrs. Bradshaw

Mother Mad Scientist Lobdell

Kara Hoffmann Yako

Aisha Haiyoom

Jana Banana Warmiak

Angie Creasy

Barb “the best Aunt in the world” Santi

Alice Gomstyn, a.k.a. Mildly Inappropriate Mommy

The LindaDaveRonniJoshCamilleBrownieScampersCinnamon Clan

Bon “theboyzmom” Camm

Allison Larsson-Venello

Lori Farrell Magnificat

Timi Dury Williams

Lindsy Truitt

Shannon Mullen

Sabrina “The Real Housewife of Beaverton” Gonzales

Awesome Queen Jessica Princess Kayla Madison Megan

Mandy Mae Flower

Shelly Schitzerpantz

Her Most Awesomeness Stacy Scanlon

Julie “Sparty Alligator” Peacock

Ari Pie & Lukie Bug

Slucas Ü

Kelly Ain’t No Plain Jane Smith

Natasha Anderson

Kim Radich

The amazing Kat Zisa

The Fabulous Myra McKinley

Samantha Nicole Schwarz

Peruvian Princess

Alli Esker

The Lytle Girls

Ilene Naddeo

Mackenzie from Raising Wild Things blog (
www.raisingwildthings.com
)

Julie De Guzman

April “Fiona” Kelly

L K Creekmur

Christine “Hot Mama” DeRosa

Courtney Bridwell

Michele & Princess Emily O’Connell

Samoan Queen Saleena Ghanny

Linda Drake

Amy Gers, who is always a source of inspiration

Jimmy, Robyn and Jase Maass

Princess Mia Amada Ramos

Jill Capolupo and Max Allen

Lori/Emma Petrillo

Camille Brashears the Incredible

Amber Harney

Jenny, CEO Team Dickinson

Supermom Erin Telford

Debra *The Lyrical Gangsta* Hudelson

Mother of Gus and Lanie

Beth Hannah

JKWhite

Her Royal Momminess, Michele Suerdieck

Gena Marie Lisanti

Mary Block

4x4 Wheelin’–Mud Luvin Coley

Mrs. LaLa Glitterbug

Optimistic Explorers William & Brady Shelor

Maria D. Walker

Piper Poppyseed Lageman

Team Criniti

Jennifer Williams

Jedi Master Potter Mandi

Kris Brownfield…mama of triplets and quads!

My Favorite Board Certified Lactation Consultant Ellen H. Schwerin @
www.happymilk.us

Jack and Brady’s Mommy

Fabulous Foster Families Everywhere!

Jana Fitzpatrick

Kung Pow Tracy

Colly Wolly Ding Dong / Colls Balls Meyers

Alicia Maloney

Kelly and Baby Barret

Supermom Robin Michon (able to read funny books in a single Poise Pad)

Henry Thwaites the incredible!

Tricia (aka Maddie, Ian and Charlottes mom) McLister

The Domestic Project Manager—Kali Sakai

Her Lady of Snarkishness, Mandy Butka

Jennifer Hoppe

Westfir Stallion

Carri Sweeney, a.k.a. Wordy Nerdy Thirtyish

Leslie White–Daughter of Scary Evil Dragon Snake Queen

The Royal Callahan Family Of Grafton

Her Majesty Meagan Platt

Sue Landis, Queen of the Non-Sequitor

The wonderful, amazing Laura Prager-Diamond

Amy “Bug” Tillery

Amy Maitre Starkey

The Fabulous Nikkole Casper

Meagen Minor

Proud Poppa Jimmy Maass

Becky Bliefnick

The Lovely Coll Doll

Julie Terhune

Maureen Butler

Kelly ‘ball of fucking joy’ Mathews

Carissa Morin

Rachel Canuso Holt

Little Lady Corinne Garner

Katie Grim

Angie LaFountain Boyd

Supermom Kandi Alfredson

The Amazing Jennifer Lyn Travis

Pennapoo aka Bodhi’s Mom

Charlie & Jack Konczal (and their mom who needs a nap and a martini)

Britt Kunz

Karen Green Pirinelli

The Gaboury’s Sarah, Chris and Mason

K-Wex

Daniela Park

The amazingly awesome Haren and Kannah who didn’t tell me to say she’s amazing and awesome but she is so I am saying it

Queen of all the peppers, Kyla Elizabeth Allen

Adam Wellington Barney Yayyyy Taco!

Paula Jean Barney (Yanosy) Yayyyyy Taco’s wife!

Lainey Bug Anderson

Olivia and Emma del Valle

Meaghan “I love both my kiddos bunches” Freeman

TT Mongoburger

Erin Hieber

Chelsea the Great!

Cavan and Emma’s Mommy

Amy Lammert

Hockey Eh

Princess Grace Garrison

Ginger, mom of Christine and Ericka

Princesses Emerson & Ava Pontifex

Katy Wytko

Alexis Witt

Princesses Lolo Maddie Alyssa

Princesses Jill, Lele & Erica

My Special Kind of Crazy Mom

Mrs. Sylvester McMonkey McBean

Becky Reeves

Pam-a-rama ding dong

Laurie & Faith Hammancheeses

Sarah Cartwright

Amy Lazaro!!

Colleen Masotta

The Big Boss Sasha Paul

Jessica Gablin

Angela Elizabeth Moore

Amy Gailey

Reese & Macy’s Mom

The Devine & Beautiful Linda Degelsmith

Liz “my Junior Mints always get stuck in the vending machine” Madison

linzie lewd

Kimberly Parolari

Doc Brown

Chief Snuggler Nina Bo Beena Duchin

Jackson & Hudson Coffman

Brenda Meller

Supreme stinkaponamous Amy MacDonald

HRH Stacy Barninger

Lauren ‘LP’ LaRoche

Warden Melissa Gizewski

Maryam Ghaznavi

The one and only Amanda Collins Berwitz

Beth Parker

Super Jackson and Princess Sabrina Lovas

Wildcat Liz

Queen of Everything Julieanna Ealley Scott

Melody Rose Shaw

Lesley, Madelyn & Cole Saxton

The Bermans (please move back to Chicago!)

Jess Grycko

the other Karen from HONO (HONO RULES!!!)

Gabs, Lola & Juju Muscatello

Crazy Cat Lady Liz Marsek

Colt and Walker Williams

Joanne the rockstar Rodgers

Hurricane Fritz-Waylon

The Moxie Chicks

Angie Princess of Bells

Tracy Fimple

Lauren (My Husband Was Pissed That I Bought A Book Before It Was Completed) Danaher

Susie Prewitt

Hollandzilla’s Mom

Miss “Aly Bug” Bungert

Cuchini.com ~ Say No To Camel Toe! ~ Our Lips Are Sealed!

JJD²

Amy Koenigsknecht

Lexi Newman

Bayou Belle of Baton Rouge, Katherine Hayes

D.T.F. Posko

James (Batman) Eisfelder and Cole (Robin) Eisfelder

Shauna “The Great” Mitchell

The Rabin Family

Miss Lauren mother of the year Baker!

The Honorable Jessica Byrne-York

Karen Elizabeth Torri

Mom to Mackenzie and Alayna

Kourtnei Ramirez aka Everett’s Publicist

Lindsay L. Teplesky

JenieRedhead Lightfoot

Jaime Tyler

Alethea, Craig, Hailey, Dylan and Shane Shapiro

Laurie Mueller

Queen Traci–ruler of all things nonexistent!

Genevievette “GEWEL” Walker-Lightfoot aka Giavrielle’s Mom

Angie Geitner

Jenny Davis

ReaganStar

Lindsey “Miss Spartacus” Barnes

Graham & Harper’s Momma

Heather Berkley

Carrie Conway

Charlene “The Flower” Estrada

Becki Ciavarella Darville

Lady Jennifer Stewart

Minions of Snoopy Bryce

Rebecca Barber