I Heart Christmas (29 page)

‘But we have so much stuff to do.’ I pointed weakly at the bookshelves.

‘I’m translating that into, “I’m a total pussy and I’m scared that she’s still mad at me.” Am I right?’ he asked.

‘Maybe,’ I sulked. ‘I text her. She hasn’t replied.’

‘Because she’s probably still really mad at you,’ he said. He was such a perceptive man. ‘But she’s not going to get less pissed off while you guys aren’t speaking to each other. You know Jenny, she’s just gonna stew. It’s a Band-Aid situation, Angela, you gotta rip this one right off.’

‘I know,’ I admitted. Maybe cutting off my own leg would be easier than apologising. It wasn’t like I used it that often. ‘But we really do have so much left to do. I’ve got to work tomorrow and then Mum and Dad get here on Tuesday—’

‘And it will be a ton easier for me to do it alone than having you moping in a corner, pretending to stack books.’ He stepped over one of the smaller boxes and pulled me up to my feet. ‘You have a big day at work tomorrow, right? So don’t let this get in the way. Go see her.’

‘Have you got any protective padding?’ I asked, resting my head against his chest and giving Alex a huge hug. ‘You know the stuff they put on when they’re training police dogs?’

‘You’ll be fine,’ he promised. ‘And when you get back, the cable will be working.’

‘Really?’ I looked up with sparkling eyes. Yes, Angela, there was a Santa Claus.

‘Really really,’ he said, kissing me once and then breaking the hug. ‘Now go before I get other ideas.’

‘I’d say save those ideas for later.’ I reached up on my tiptoes to kiss him once more before slapping him on the arse and handing him my bagel. ‘But if the telly’s going to be on, you might struggle.’

It took a lot longer on the subway to get to Jenny’s place from our new apartment but I was glad of the unplanned procrastination. I had run over a dozen different apologies, a few potential bribes and considered leaving the country. By the time I got to Lexington Avenue, I had settled on a straight-up ‘I’m sorry’, combined with the leftover peanut butter M&Ms in my handbag, and then accepting whatever torrent of abuse followed. It wasn’t possible that either of them could make me feel worse than I already did anyway.

There didn’t seem a lot of point in ringing the buzzer – she wasn’t answering my texts, she was hardly likely to buzz me up – so I used my key, climbed the stairs and steeled myself. But even having spent an entirely sleepless night and a forty-five-minute train ride readying myself for this, I could not possibly have been prepared for what I walked in on. The apartment was a disaster. When I’d arrived on Saturday, I’d been a little bit sad at the lack of Christmas decorations. There was the little white fake tree with its pink baubles that Jenny put up every year but aside from that, she really hadn’t gone big on the festivities. Apparently that had all changed at some point in the last twenty-four hours. As had the apartment’s residents. Everywhere I looked there were people I either vaguely recognised or had never seen before in my life draped over the sofa, crashed out on the floor or, in one instance, puking in the kitchen sink. Nice. Every available surface was covered in red plastic cups and glitter. There was tinsel hanging from the light fixtures and someone had gone really heavy on a neon pink reindeer motif. Not my taste in seasonal décor but at least she was trying.

‘Jenny?’ I called out, picking my way through the stirring bodies on the floor. ‘Lou?’

Someone on the sofa groaned but it wasn’t anyone I knew. A couple of girls wrapped around each other on the armchair by the window looked like a couple of girls from Jenny’s office but since they were wearing elf costumes instead of office-appropriate ensembles, it was really hard to tell. I sighed. No good ever came from waking up in an elf costume. Clearly there had been something of a shindig here and I wasn’t quite sure how that married up with Grace taking a nap when I left. Abandoning my search of the living room after tripping over an empty bottle of Jägermeister, I stopped trying to be quite so careful and marched through the bodies and into my old bedroom. Instead of finding my childhood best friend and her lovely toddler, I found an unconscious James Jacobs and a blow-up Father Christmas, both, thankfully, fully dressed.

‘I should have known you’d be behind this,’ I said, tapping his face gently. James groaned, snored and rolled over. Apparently a gentle tap wasn’t going to be enough.

‘Ow! Fucking hell.’

But a decent slap was.

‘Where is Louisa?’ I demanded, all sense of contrition forgotten. ‘And Grace?’

‘Not here.’ He held out a hand to shield his eyes from the non-existent sun in the darkened room and smacked his lips together a couple of times. ‘God, I taste like a rat’s arse.’

‘I don’t want to know how you know that.’ I took a cue from his blatant hangover and pulled up the blinds. Dear God, that room was disgusting. ‘Where did they go?’

‘I don’t know, I’m not their keeper.’ James tried to push his hair back off his face but his fingers got stuck in something sticky. Gross. ‘Jenny was pissed off after you left. We decided to have some drinks, then she called some people and Louisa took off with the baby. She wasn’t in the mood for it.’

‘Lou or the nineteen-month-old baby?’ I asked. ‘I can’t imagine why Grace wasn’t up for shots. You seriously don’t know where she went?’

I pulled out my phone and immediately dialled Lou. And to think that I thought I felt awful before I arrived.

‘Well, wherever she is, she isn’t picking up,’ I told the shell of a man on the bed before me. ‘She’d better be OK.’

‘Funny how she didn’t come and stay with you, isn’t it?’ he muttered into his pillow, earning a second slap for his troubles. ‘Ange, I’ve got a massive hangover and, honestly, unless you’re going to make me a cup of tea and get me a sausage sarnie, you need to piss off before I kill you.’

‘Excellent parenting skills you’re showing here,’ I said, trying Louisa’s mobile again. ‘You two are going to be brilliant.’

I heard James making some sort of sobbing sound when I slammed his door, the boom echoing through the apartment and seemingly reviving some of the hangers-on in the living room. But they weren’t the only ones I managed to wake.

‘Who is making all that noise?’ Jenny opened her bedroom door and clung to the door frame, looking as though she might collapse at any second. Her hair was everywhere and a tight little red jersey dress was riding up her arse to reveal a pair of black knickers. At least she was wearing some – that was progress in a way. ‘Angie?’

‘Jenny, where’s Louisa?’ I asked, kicking a man old enough to know better, sprawled out on the floor in front of me as he grabbed at my ankle. ‘What went on last night?’

‘We had a party. Chill.’ She scrunched up her face and turned away as though she’d seen something upsetting. I couldn’t wait until I got her in front of a mirror. ‘Uh, she said she needed to do something … I guess she didn’t come back.’

‘Can’t think why,’ I replied.

‘This didn’t happen until way later,’ she said, as though it was a perfectly rational excuse. ‘Why are you here? Didn’t you say everything you needed to say yesterday?’

‘I actually came to apologise.’ I was trying very hard not to sound completely sanctimonious but it was difficult to stand there and say,
I’m sorry Jenny, I’m sure you’ll make a wonderful mother,
when there were six strangers in her living room, dry-heaving. ‘But now I’m a bit worried about Louisa.’

‘Who’s worried about me?’ The front door opened and I heard the telltale squeaky wheels of a pushchair behind me. ‘Oh my God, what happened?’

‘I had a party,’ Jenny replied weakly.

‘Jenny had a party,’ I confirmed, crossing my arms and then immediately dropping them back by my sides. I was still on thin ice until I’d got all my apologies out. ‘Where were you? I’ve been trying to call you.’

‘My battery died.’ She held up a dead iPhone while Grace clambered out of her pushchair, delighted at the chaos in front of her. ‘I went to stay at a hotel, give Jenny and James a bit of peace.’

I watched as Grace began poking the blond man in the back of the head repeatedly, probably waiting a moment too long before scooping her up in my arms.

‘Anala,’ she said happily, immediately resuming poking.

Like all martyrs, I endured. ‘Why didn’t you call me?’ I asked, bouncing Gracie awkwardly on my hip and ignoring the stirring drunks on the floor. ‘You could have stayed with us.’

‘Didn’t much feel like popping over after our chat in the afternoon,’ she replied, instinctively tearing off a length of kitchen roll and mopping up an upset bottle of Bud.

‘I came to apologise,’ I said. ‘I was bang out of order yesterday. You’ll do whatever you need to do in your own time and I will never, ever say shit about it, ever again.’

I paused, looked around the room and then back at the half-human version of Jenny in the corner.

‘And Jenny should totally have a baby, right away.’

‘Oh, fuck you,’ she groaned, turning towards the bathroom. ‘I’m gonna puke.’

‘I felt so bad disappearing off to a hotel last night but she was in such a bad mood,’ Lou whispered while I continued to dodge Grace’s barrage of tiny, sharp attacks. ‘And Grace was fussing, I couldn’t get her to rest, so I just thought, you know, a night of quiet might help.’

‘Did it?’

‘Didn’t bloody get it, did I?’ she said with a yawn. I noticed the dark circles had returned. ‘Madam would not sleep for love nor money. Honestly, I thought I was doing this on my own back at home but I don’t think I realised how much it helps just to have another human being in the house.’

‘Right.’ I resisted the urge to jump up and down shouting
CALL TIM!
and instead gave her a very understanding nod.

‘Don’t look at me like that,’ she yawned. ‘I’m going to call him as soon as I’ve charged my phone.’

‘Nothing to do with me,’ I replied, opening my eyes and my mouth as far as they would go at the baby to try and avoid inappropriate smiling. At least
she
thought I was funny. ‘Do whatever you need to do. I’ll be here.’

‘At the minute it looks like I need to clean up,’ Lou replied.

Even though this was as far removed from her mess as it was possible to be, I knew she was itching to get the rubber gloves out and put everything in a bin bag. Possibly some of the partygoers too.

‘Hey, cute baby.’ One of the girls on the armchair opened her eyes and pointed towards me and Gracie. I looked at my goddaughter who rolled her eyes and shook her head.

‘You are very wise,’ I told her. She nodded.

‘Right, everybody out,’ Louisa shouted. I was always impressed at the volume she was able to muster up when she was pissed off. ‘Party’s over. You all need to go home or at least get out of this one.’

Louisa began walking around the room, shaking people who really didn’t want to be shaken and filling up a giant black sack as she went. Of course she already knew where Jenny kept them. The girls on the armchair rose first, seemingly brought back to life by the fear of having to help clear up. They were followed by the girl and her gay who had been crashing on the sofa and a very sorry-looking redhead who looked more and more likely to vom with every step. Christmas parties really were the best. I attempted to help by giving the blond man on the floor another kick, picking up his trainers and tossing them out the door.

‘They’re my shoes,’ he protested, still flat on his back. ‘I need them.’

‘You’d better go and get them then,’ I replied while Grace blew raspberries. ‘Merry Christmas.’

‘Merry Christmas,’ he muttered as he crawled out on all fours. ‘Can you ask James to call me?’

‘Nope,’ I replied, slamming the door shut after him.

‘Can you please quit banging doors.’ Jenny tiptoed back into the living room as though putting a full foot down on the floor might make too much noise for her poor head. Her curls were tethered to the top of her head and her face had been scrubbed clean. I knew she’d hate to hear me say it but I always thought this was when she looked her most beautiful. Her make-up was always flawless and her hair should probably be considered one of the Seven Wonders of the World but without all the make-up, all the drama, she was just so incredibly pretty. ‘Where did everyone go?’

‘AWAY!’ Grace shouted, leaping onto the sofa and bouncing up and down. I looked at Lou, who looked at Jenny, who shrugged. After what Grace had just walked in on, it did seem a bit pointless to tell her no now.

‘Don’t touch anything, Gracie,’ Louisa warned before scooping up the Jägermeister bottle. ‘I don’t want you to get hepatitis.’

‘No one here has …’ Jenny began to defend her friends but her words seemed to fade away. ‘Yeah, don’t let her touch anything.’

An hour later, with Grace completely unconscious in her pushchair, the four alleged adults in our party were squished into a booth at Scotty’s Diner. Jenny and James propped each other up as they mainlined cup after cup of coffee while Louisa and I bartered with each other on the menu.

‘Well, if you get fries, we can share,’ she suggested, sipping her tea in a far more ladylike fashion than our environment required.

‘Or what if I get a side of steamed veggies?’ I asked. ‘Or a side salad. And you get the fries?’

‘I do believe I lost a few brain cells last night so you’ll forgive me for asking,’ James cut in, pressing his fingers into his temples. ‘Are we just pretending yesterday didn’t happen then?’

‘Oh, can we?’ Louisa perked up immeasurably. ‘Can we do that?’

‘Sure, let’s all bottle shit up until we have a stroke,’ Jenny said, pouring more sugar into her cup. ‘That’s super healthy.’

‘I came over to apologise.’ I snatched the sugar out of her hand and placed it out of her reach, ignoring her death stare. White sugar made Jenny crazy. Crazier. ‘And I’m still sorry, I shouldn’t have kicked off.’

‘No, you shouldn’t,’ she replied, stirring her coffee. ‘I can’t believe you sometimes. You’re, like, completely incapable of seeing anything from anyone else’s position. You don’t want a baby, so I shouldn’t want a baby. You can’t handle a baby, so you think I can’t handle a baby.’