I Hate Summer (37 page)

Echo gave a faint hum of curiosity but didn’t press for details. Ashlie cocked his head to one side. And his bright smile dropped slightly as he considered me.

“You okay, Ide?” he asked, sounding a little more serious than usual. I appreciated his concern, because it wasn’t like it would have been the first time I’d got mixed up in something dodgy.

“Yeah, I’m fine, honestly.”

“You seem different?”

I bent down, pressed a kiss to Ashlie’s cheek, and then reached to whisper against his ear. “Go have fun, Ashlie; think o’ me when ye get fucked by some hotties, okay? I’ll call ye next week and we can chat, but I need t’ speak t’ Dan first.”

“That sounds pretty serious, Ide,” Ashlie said, a slight crease forming between his eyes as his gaze darted over my shoulder once again. Then he stepped away, his smile flicking back into place as he backed against Echo, pulling the guy’s hand over his shoulder. “Guess it’s just us again, Echo. You best find me someone hot t’ suck off while you fuck me.” He shot a wicked grin over my shoulder and then they slid off into the crowd.

I watched their backs, and then I turned to watch Chris and Josh, who were laughing together, their bodies tucked in close to each other like normal lovers on a date. I turned to face Trystan. He met my gaze, and it was hard to read his face.

“I told ye, ye wouldn’t like it,” I said with a barely restrained sigh.

“Who were they? And why are so many people staring at you, us? Why do they look so interested? Or is this just what happens in a gay bar up north?” Trystan’s words came out in short bursts. I stared at him, waiting for him to add something about the kiss Ashlie had pressed on me. But Trystan just held my gaze in his and waited patiently for my answer.

“That was Ashlie and Echo,” I said softly.

“That was Echo?” Trystan’s gaze darted over my shoulder to settle briefly on the huge black guy. “He’s fucking huge.”

I couldn’t help but snigger a little at that.

“That still doesn’t explain why so many people are staring,” he pressed softly when he finally turned back to me.

“Maybe it’s just ’cause yer hot?” I grinned at him, although I’m not sure my whole face was in it.

“Well of course,” he said with a mocking smirk, but it slipped a bit as he turned to look over the room again. “Everyone looks… curious. Even the guy with Josh.”

“Do ye really want me t’ explain?” My voice was quieter than I had meant it to be, but at least the words hadn’t caught in my throat. Those brown eyes locked on mine, and I knew the answer.

I let out a long, slow breath. “Look, I know ye thought I just fucked around, and I did. But those two, plus me and Dan, we were…. I guess the simplest way t’ explain it is we were a kind of open, interchangeable relationship.” I pressed my jaw together, because Trystan knowing about Dan didn’t bother me half as much as him knowing about the rest of this shit. His brown eyes remained the same as I explained, and all he gave me was a small incline of his head, as if it didn’t bother him. Which was great, but that wasn’t really the bad part.

“And you haven’t told them you’re seeing me now either?” he asked.

I shook my head and swallowed. “I like Ashlie and Echo, but Dan is… he needs to know first.”

Trystan nodded slowly. “That still doesn’t explain why half of the bar is staring at you. I mean, people always stare at you, but this is—” He glanced around briefly and a faint crease appeared between his eyebrows. “—
extreme
, even for you.”

“The reason people are staring at us is ’cause yer not part o’ the group, yet yer with me. So they’re wondering.” I waited for Trystan’s eyes to drift back to mine. “They’re trying t’ work out if there’s someone new in the group… or if I’m collecting people.”

“Collecting people?”

I nodded slowly. “For group sex.”

“Oh.” Trystan raised his beer to his lips and managed to see off about half of his pint.

“I told ye, ye wouldn’t like it.”

“I know, but I asked. Thanks for being honest.” He glanced over his shoulder back at his brother and Chris, and I could see what he was thinking.

“Chris knew. I think he’s told Josh, but if he was after an in, he’s never spoken to me about it, so I don’t think he’s interested.”

“I see, ah… could you get me another beer?” He surprised me by leaning over and pressing a kiss to my cheek, and then he was weaving through the groups of people heading to the toilets at the back of the bar.

I watched him go with a puzzled frown: for him and for the wash of warmth his kiss had caused. Apart from that first morning in the kitchen, the only time Trystan had kissed me was when we were alone. But it wasn’t so much that as much as the fact that the brief, affectionate kiss had meant more to me than if he had tried to kiss me properly. It was as if he had understood that here some overt display of lust would have meant nothing.

For the first time since we arrived, a smile tugged at the corner of my lips, and I leaned back over the bar to order some more drinks.

I sipped my new beer and watched Josh and Chris with one eye while I let my gaze flit over the rest of the bar. There were plenty of curious glances still being sent my way. I was careful not to make eye contact with anyone more than necessary, even though the chances of someone approaching me were pretty slim. My attention caught on Echo and Ashlie, who had settled themselves at a table. Ashlie was chatting animatedly to a guy I recognized but didn’t know by name. Echo was staring toward the back of the bar, and then his gaze flicked to me, and there was a slight frown marring the edge of his eyes. He held my gaze in his, and suddenly I realized that Trystan had been gone for far too long.

“Oh fuck.”

I abandoned the pints on the bar, not caring that they would be undrinkable after leaving them unattended. I danced through the groups of people, shoving them out of my way.

How could I have been so fricking stupid?

The feeling in the pit of my stomach was nauseous and hollow at the same time, burning even as dread froze my thoughts. It was all of those things at once as I tried not to punch a guy who accidentally went the same way as me when I tried to get by. He spilled half of his drink as I shoved by him with a grimace, and his shouted curse followed me as I finally got to the back of the bar.

The door to the men’s toilets clattered against the wall. The line of cubicles along one side of the white and fluorescent purple room were short, so you could see over the top, and they didn’t have locks. But I didn’t need to check them because Trystan was there, in the middle of the room. He looked pissed off but in one piece despite the two guys facing him.

“What the fuck are ye two playing at?” I snarled, and Trystan actually looked a little startled, though whether it was to see me or by the low threatening tone to my voice I didn’t know. The two guys twisted round, more people I recognized but didn’t know by name. I realized that I had fucked one of them, and he shot me a disgusting smile as he saw recognition flare through my eyes.

“I said… what the fuck are ye two playing at?” I repeated when I got no answer.

“Just putting this guy in his place,” the first guy said.

“We want to play,” the second one added, and he stepped a little closer. “Come on, Idrys, we just want in.”

I snarled because he knew my name. And because they had clearly been threatening Trystan. I stalked toward the second one and he was smiling until my hand wrapped round his throat.

“If ye guys so much as look at him askance, I’ll make it so ye never fuck another guy again, understand?” I finished as I left just a little too much pressure on the guy’s neck.

“What the fuck! You think you’re so high and fucking mighty! Well your pimps aren’t here this time.” The first guy cursed as he started toward me. He looked slightly surprised to see Trystan’s hand wrapping around his arm.

“I guess you’re talking about Dan and that big guy they call Echo? But if you think I’ll let you lay a hand on Ide, you’ve got another thing fucking coming—”

“No wonder my ears were burning.” The low rumble of Echo’s voice filled the toilets.

I glanced over my shoulder, and obsidian eyes briefly held mine before they drifted past me to settle on the other two guys.

“I think you gentlemen shouldn’t get confused.” His words were slow and precise, and a slight accent lingered in his tone, sharpening just the very last second of each word, making them slam through the air despite the fact that he hadn’t raised his voice. “Just because Idrys is not with me this evening does not mean that I will fail to protect him from fawning little pricks like you. Now you will both leave. Or would you like to stay and see what I do to people who threaten my friends? I can assure you I am much more imaginative than the lovely Idrys.” His voice trailed down to a whisper that was barely audible over the thick rumbling bass that came through from the bar.

The would-be attackers detached themselves from mine and Trystan’s grasps, and much to Trystan’s surprise, they scarpered. I wasn’t concentrating on Trystan right now, though, I was staring at Echo.

“Thanks, Echo.” I sighed.

He nodded and his eyes drifted to where Trystan had just come to stand next to me, his shoulder almost-but-not-quite touching mine.

“May I assume this is Trystan?” Echo asked in his slow, deep voice. His face didn’t change when I nodded. “Dan mentioned him. May I assume you are quite fond of him, Idrys?” I nodded again. “I see. I won’t tell Ashlie yet, but please, you should speak to Dan, explain to him properly. I’m afraid he has broken the rules.”

I didn’t need Echo to explain what he meant. There was only one official rule: always use a condom, but that wasn’t what he meant. He had meant the unspoken rule: don’t get too attached.

“I’ll call him tomorrow.”

Echo nodded and he turned his gaze back on Trystan. “Maybe I have broken the rules as well. So listen, Mr. Tall-Dark-and-Handsome, the same goes for you as for those two idiots who just ran scared: if you hurt my friend, I will hurt you. Very simple.”

He flicked his eyes to me, a rare smile dusted his lips, and then he was gone. As always he moved surprisingly quickly and lightly for such a big guy.

“He is fucking terrifying,” Trystan muttered.

“Ye don’t need to worry about him, he won’t hurt ye. Well as long as ye…. I guess ye got the idea.”

“Yeah, I got the idea.” He turned to me and let a long breath slip from between his lips. “But, Ide, what the hell was that about? Those guys….”

I scowled and took a short pacing step toward the door. “We should go and check on Josh.” A glance over my shoulder said Trystan wasn’t going anywhere.

I pressed my eyes shut for a moment, trying to sort out my head and calm the odd feeling in my chest.

“Fuck, Trys.
This
is why I didn’t want ye t’ come.” I waved a hand in a vague circle that encompassed the whole bar, the people, the memories, everything—although quite frankly just this room had far too many memories in it for me to be comfortable standing there with Trystan. I wanted to escape, but Trystan still wasn’t happy with my answer.

“This place is all the stuff ye don’t like about me. And when I come here, people will treat me like the person ye don’t like; they’ll treat me like the slut that collects guys for a gang bang or fucks his friends in the toilets or whatever the fuck else ye can think of and dislike. And I can brush it off; I have been for the past month. But it’s not just me. By coming here ye get tarred with the same brush, and that’s what just happened: they thought ye were like me.”

And that really bothered me.

Trystan was scowling and I could see his face turning slowly to eye up the insubstantial toilet cubicles. I winced, grinding my teeth together as I turned to leave the room. Washing through me was that same feeling of awkwardness that I’d experienced when I first arrived with Trystan.

I pushed open the door and breathed deeply, but even out here the air was just as heavy, just with beer and cloying aftershave, and eyes still watched me curiously. I sought out Josh, and I panicked for a moment when I couldn’t find them, but they had got a table and were making out, slow and sensual, and nobody paid them any mind at all.

I wanted to leave. And I realized with a strangling feeling that if I went over and told Josh, he too would be contaminated by associating with me—if he wasn’t already. I ran a hand through my hair and stalked through the bar, my eyes fixed on the ground as I pulled out my phone to text Josh instead.

Outside, the early November air was crisp with cold that turned my breath into white puffs, but even that wasn’t enough to clear the thick heaviness that seemed to have settled in the bottom of my lungs. Out here I was just another gay guy leaving the club early, but people were still eying me with curiosity as I began to pace. Not because they knew me and what I was like, but because everyone always watched me. Whether I cut my hair or hid my eyes, whether I wore tracksuits or outdoor gear or the simple high-street jeans and shirt I was in now, people always stared, their eyes buzzing over my skin incessantly. Whether I was pacing anxiously outside a regular bar or a gay club, night or day, rain or sunshine, people watched me, and they always had.

Had I really forgotten what it was like? Had I really believed this was going to work?

Even before my head had been so messed up by what that guy had done to me in Manchester, the only two relationships of my life had fallen apart. Both for the same reason: neither of them could cope with the way people stared at me, with the relentless and unending attention that always drifted my way.

What was it Trystan had said? I was magnetic-honey-light, and the rest of the world were the iron-wasp-moths: forever drawn to me.

For twelve months after I was raped I had been with no one. While I had locked myself away from the world and men, I had grown over a foot. And if anything it had gotten worse.

I remember the moment I became who I am now with perfectly clarity. It was Jorja’s fourteenth birthday, and we’d gone to the fair in the local town. It had been a baking hot first of June, almost two months before my seventeenth birthday and just over a year since I’d lost my virginity. I hadn’t been with anyone in that time, but I could feel myself starting to wake up from the lustless slumber the experience had put my body into.