I Forgot to Remember: A Memoir of Amnesia (2 page)

As I lay in that place halfway between sleep and wakefulness, I
looked around the white-walled room and took stock of the facts: I was only twenty-two, and already twice a college dropout, thrust into the routines of marriage and motherhood, transplanted from Main Line Philadelphia to a faceless working-class suburb of Fort Worth. Next to me lay Jim, my husband and the father of my two baby boys. Benjamin, who was just shy of his second birthday, was sleeping in a twin bed in his room, beneath a dinosaur comforter. Patrick, at eight months, slept in his crib in the tiny third bedroom. Because it was a Sunday, Jim and I would head to church with the boys in a few hours. But first, if our early-morning whispers with each other did not wake the boys, Jim and I may have quickly and quietly made love. Afterward, we may have talked about plans for our wedding anniversary as well as Benjamin’s second birthday. Both were coming up. Our anniversary was in just three days. Were reservations already made for a fancy dinner out? Did we have a babysitter lined up? Did we exchange cards? Gifts? Benjamin’s birthday was only ten days away. Were there birthday gifts for him already bought, wrapped, and hidden away somewhere? Had I sent birthday party invitations to a bunch of the neighborhood kids? Or maybe that’s something that I was going to do after church that day.

We eventually got up and padded off to the shower together, tiptoeing across the worn carpet on soft feet, still trying our best not to wake the boys. After showers and dressing, I poked my head into Benjamin’s room to get him up and going before heading to change Patrick’s diaper and get him his morning bottle. As I carried Patrick toward the kitchen, I couldn’t help but glance at the walls in the hallway lined with dozens of framed photos of our young family: Benjamin being held by my parents, dressed in his white baptismal outfit; another of Benjamin, sleeping facedown in his cake on his first birthday; Jim and me out in Middle-of-Nowhere,
Texas, holding hands with strangers during Hands Across America; a photo of my tiny, premature baby, Patrick; and then other pictures as he fattened up; pictures taken at our wedding; our first Christmas together; the four of us moving into this, our first house.

That was my life. Was it the life I wanted?

Had I always dreamed of marrying at nineteen and having a child at twenty, and another child just one year later? Did I really envision myself dropping out of college and living as a homemaker in Fort Worth? Probably not. But if my life wasn’t proceeding quite according to plan, was there some other plan? Did I wake up that morning to any pangs of regret, or of resignation? Did I lie in bed sometimes and fantasize of escape, silently wishing myself away from this family and this home? Did I still think of or dream about my high school boyfriend? I imagine I did. After all, he and I had dated for more than three years. Did I ever wonder where he was or what he was doing? Did I even have time for any of this wondering, wishing, and thinking, or did I just accept things as they were? Everyone has secrets, don’t they? What were mine? I will never know. Jim, my husband, remembers what I was like back then, but his memories are not mine. And there are limits to what one person can really know of another. Jim can barely remember what I said and did back then. How could he possibly know what I thought about?

It was a thirty-minute drive to First Presbyterian, a huge church along the Trinity River in downtown Fort Worth. Jim and I probably entered the sanctuary a few minutes late after dropping Benjamin and Patrick off with the attendants in the nursery. We sat in roughly the same place every Sunday, on the right-hand side in front of the pulpit, halfway down the aisle. Never too close to
the front, like the good Presbyterians we were. For the next hour, Jim and I sang the hymns, recited readings, prayed, and listened to the sermon, something I can’t even imagine now. Church is one of those things that the new me has never quite figured out. I still don’t fully understand the endless monologues about this man named Jesus who lives everywhere while being invisible, who is dead but still alive, both father and son. I have no idea if I in fact had faith or even believed in God before. But after the accident, I found myself wishing that instead of having to sit through an hour-long church service, I could instead slip away and join my sons in their Sunday school classrooms, where perhaps things were explained a bit more clearly.

After church, we returned home to our ranch house on El Greco Avenue, a tiny house with the water heater tucked right inside the front hall closet to save space. I cannot recall that house on El Greco, but Jim has shown me pictures. It was a tract home in a working-class neighborhood called Wedgwood, south of downtown Fort Worth. All the homes in that neighborhood, constructed in the mid-1970s, were built for first-time homeowners. It was a neighborhood of pregnant moms and strollers, older station wagons, and backyard barbecues. Our house at 6609 El Greco was indistinguishable from all the others. There was a house just like ours to the left, and another on our right. We moved into it in 1987, hoping to settle down and stay put after five moves in and around Fort Worth in just two years.

It was my habit in those days to sit outside on the ribbed, folding lawn chair on our back patio with a fresh legal pad for a Sunday-afternoon routine of letter writing while the kids played in the yard. I was a good writer back then, with a broad vocabulary of SAT words and a confident, flowing script. Family and friends
all lived far away from us, so I regularly included updated photos of the boys in my letters. One letter for my parents, one for my grandparents, letters for my brothers and sisters, possibly one for my high school friend Kathy and another for Michele, my college roommate. One for each of the people I was about to forget.

When I was in high school, I lived with my family in a wealthy Philadelphia suburb. I was the fourth of five children, and I wanted for nothing. My father was a chemical engineer, my mother an overachieving stay-at-home mom who did more in five minutes than most moms accomplished in a whole day. I was made in their image, with a clever mind, musical talent, an athletic body, and a determined, but reasonably stubborn personality.

But I ended up labeled as the Millers’ rebellious child. In fifth grade, when I was asked to pick a musical instrument, I chose the drums. In high school, I drank, smoked pot, and partied hard, though I still managed to earn mostly A’s and B’s. I went to college at Ohio Wesleyan University, a private liberal arts school, with a pretty campus in the town of Delaware, just north of Columbus. At the beginning of my sophomore year, I got pregnant and had an abortion. At the end of my sophomore year, I dropped out of college, got married, moved to Texas, started school at Texas Christian University, got pregnant again, and dropped out again, all by the age of twenty.

I married at nineteen, over my parents’ strong objections. It’s weird for me to think about, but I was, then, younger than my daughter, Kassidy, is now. My parents apparently couldn’t stop me. I sure as hell would stop her. Or at least I hope I would. What was it about me that couldn’t be stopped? What about me was so uncontrollable? To run off and get married at nineteen? I would go to the ends of the earth before I would let my daughter do that. What about me could my parents not stop? That’s a big question for me now, and I don’t have an answer. Nobody does.

I met Jim at Ohio Wesleyan my freshman year. He was a junior and had seen me in the
OWU Look Book,
the book put out by the school with all the pictures of new freshman and transfer students, in the fall of 1983. He walked up to me at a band practice that September and said, “Oh, hi, you must be Su. You’re a freshman here, right?” He says I looked at him as if he was dog shit I had just scraped off my shoe. Both of us were in other relationships. But late that fall, we ended up in a car together on a weekend canoe outing with his fraternity and my sorority. On the way back, in a Wendy’s drive-through, he kissed me.

Four years later, Jim was a twenty-four-year-old software engineer at General Dynamics, a campus of forty-thousand workers across from Carswell Air Force Base, and part of the Strategic Air Command. GD and Carswell AFB were cogs in the tank-tread wheels of the old Cold War America. He left at 7:15 each morning in jeans, loafers, and a polo shirt and spent his days writing software for F-16 fighter jets. Many of our neighbors were young single-income families whose husbands and fathers also worked at General Dynamics. Mike and Pam Knote, for example, lived right across the street and were only a few years older than we were, with two boys of their own, a five-year-old and a toddler. Mike Knote went off to work at General Dynamics every day, just like Jim. Pam stayed home, just like me.

During the day, Jim and I seldom spoke to each other. His scheduled work hours usually ended at four, but most days he worked late into the evenings in order to get the overtime. So I never really knew when he was going to arrive home. He didn’t like me to call him at work, but I was okay with that. I was happy to sit at home and wait to eat with him after feeding the boys their supper. The evening entertainment was usually books or a video. And there was always music playing.

I loved rock-and-roll music, mostly from the 1960s and 70s, as well as all the great current 1980s stuff. I still have all of my old vinyl records and a huge cassette-tape collection. More than anything, I liked and often played along with my favorite drummers: Neil Peart from Rush, Keith Moon from the Who, Nick Mason from Pink Floyd, John Bonham from Led Zep, and, of course, Ringo. Unfortunately, we ended up having to sell my drum kit early in our marriage. There were bills to pay. After the accident, Jim remembers me putting on records and dancing around the living room with the boys. Maybe we did that before the accident, too. Maybe we had danced around the living room on that very Sunday afternoon in May.

We had resided in the house on El Greco for less than a year, but Jim already knew the way to the hospital. I was apparently accident-prone. Less than three years earlier, at our wedding, my father had taken Jim aside and told him, “Find the nearest emergency room as soon as you get to Texas, because about every six months, Su finds a need to be there.”

In our short time living on El Greco, I had already proven him right. Eight months earlier, a fierce bout of influenza had sent me into early labor. Patrick was born in the hospital downtown, a month premature and weighing not quite four pounds. We called him our little spider monkey. A few months after that, Benjamin, while throwing a typical eighteen-month-old’s temper tantrum, had hurled a heavy wooden Playskool truck through the window
in our bedroom, creating a hole the size of a volleyball in the glass. Impulsive and impatient, I reached through the broken glass to pick up the truck and somehow managed to slice through the webbing between my thumb and forefinger, badly injuring my hand. When I couldn’t get the bleeding to stop on my own, I called Jim. He drove right home and took me to the ER. I ended up needing nineteen stitches both inside my hand and out.