I Do Not Sleep (32 page)

‘When we’d been at our cottage for a couple of days, I got very drunk one night. Like a fool I made a pass at Joey; I climbed into his bed. He was shocked, of course. He pushed me out and we had a fight. It ended with me in tears, hysterically telling him I was in love with him.’

‘He never told us about any of this,’ said Adam, looking bewildered. I reached for his hand.

‘He never had the chance,’ I said softly. ‘He disappeared soon after.’

‘The next day,’ continued Ben, ‘I apologised and tried to explain. Joey was sympathetic, but I could tell he was deeply uncomfortable. He wanted to call time on the holiday and go back to Manchester, but I begged him to stay. I promised I wouldn’t do anything stupid again. I couldn’t bear the thought of us both going home, knowing that Joey would probably drift away from me out of sheer embarrassment. I’d known him since I was four, and I’d loved him for so long. The thought of losing him as a friend was horrible. Anyway, Joey agreed we should stay in Polperro, but he started going out for long walks on his own. Just to get away from me. I was miserable and heart-broken, and spent most of my time in the Blue Peter. I was drinking heavily again and one night some guys I knew from Manchester suddenly arrived. I had no idea why they were there at first. They were pretty much the scum of the earth, I knew that, but I was feeling like scum myself, full of self-loathing. I knew them well from my drug-dealing days.’

‘These were the same men Seb and Nina told me about in Manchester,’ said Adam to me. I squeezed his hand.

‘I was just a mixed-up kid when I got to know them, but they were the real deal. Big-shot dealers and pushers, very dangerous. I had no idea what they were doing in Polperro, but bizarrely they seemed glad to see me. They bought me endless drinks and they slipped me free cocaine. They told me they’d left Manchester for a while because it had got too hot for them; a lot of increased attention was coming their way from Manchester CID, and they decided to chill out in Cornwall for a while. They told me it was great to see a friendly face, and they kept flattering me, saying they’d heard how talented I was, and how I was obviously heading for the big time. They were convinced I was going to be discovered and become a shit-hot Hollywood film director. Of course half of me knew it was bullshit, but my self-esteem was on the floor, especially as Joey had rejected me. I let them flatter me, and allowed myself to feel bitter about Joey. Maybe he’d feel differently about me if I was a famous director. Maybe he’d be sorry he’d turned me down.’

I felt desperately sorry for Ben. To have loved my son so much, to have wanted to impress him so he would love Ben back. I knew Joey loved Ben anyway; just not in the way he craved.

‘Of course, it was ridiculous,’ Ben went on. ‘Joey was straight, he was never going to fancy me. But I was only twenty and, what with all the alcohol and the coke, their flattery turned my head. At that stage I had no idea what these guys were really planning, why they were in Cornwall, or why they were being so nice to me.

‘One night in the pub, they told me about a “sweet little deal” they’d done. They’d organised a massive haul of cannabis, cocaine and heroin to be shipped over from Holland. They needed to hide it for a while, and the boss decided to do that in Cornwall. It’s always been a smugglers’ paradise, the guys said. A record haul of marijuana, worth millions, had been smuggled ashore at Talland Bay in the seventies, and hidden in a secret compartment under the counter at the local beach café, appropriately known, even now, as The Smuggler’s Rest.

‘But what they were planning was a lot more audacious. The launch carrying the drugs would pull up on the southern shore of Looe Island.’

I stiffened. The island. Where my dream had taken me last night.

‘That beach is completely hidden from the mainland, so it would be a perfect place to unload the cargo, but it was also a dangerous place to land, rocky and treacherous. Still, assuming it could be done, the island would make a great hiding place for the drugs, because underneath the surface it’s supposed to be honeycombed with ancient caves. They could stash the stuff there; no one would ever find it except them. They told me if I helped them, they’d pay me enough to go to film school in New York. I’d already told them that it was my life’s dream, but I knew I’d never be able to afford it.

‘I was drunk, of course, when they told me all this, and it struck me as quite exciting. But the promise of the money had me salivating. It would mean the biggest break of my lifetime. I said I’d do it, and then asked – a bit late, of course – what they wanted me to do.

‘Actually, it sounded easy. They just wanted me to go on a recce for them before the boat set off from Holland. They needed to make sure that the southern shore of the island was still accessible as a landing stage; smugglers and wreckers had used it in the past, but that was a long time ago. It was all the stuff of lore and legend, there was nobody around these days who could confirm the shore was viable for boats, but my guys needed to make sure their Dutch crew could get the stuff ashore when they landed. They wanted me to do it because everyone in the area knew who I was; I’d been coming to Polperro with Joey and his family since I was a kid, and everyone knew I was mad about sailing. Nobody would even blink if I went off in my boat to do some exploring. If these Manchester bruisers did it themselves, they’d have to charter a boat, and the skipper would have asked a lot of questions.

‘So I agreed to do their recce. We shook hands on it and the deal was done.’

Chapter Forty-Eight

‘Where did Joey fit in?’ I asked him. ‘What happened next?’

Ben began to look upset. ‘That night, Joey came into the Blue Peter while I was going over the plan. He knew who those guys were of course, vicious gangsters from the Manchester underworld, and he hated me talking to them. He came straight over and asked me to leave with him. I refused, but Joe was adamant. We started to row, and one of these guys, the biggest bruiser, stood up and told Joey to leave me alone. Joe went over to the other side of the bar and started talking to Wren. Queenie was staring at us. I was sure she knew something was up. Joey threw me a filthy look and left the pub. I wanted to go after him, but the big guy wouldn’t let me. They kept on buying me drinks. When I eventually got away, he followed me to the door. He swore me to secrecy. He said if I told anyone about their plans then not only was our deal off, and I could whistle for the money, but that he personally would make sure my arms were broken so badly I’d never pick up a film camera again. I got the message, and went back to our cottage.’

‘Was Joey there?’ I asked.

‘Yes. We had a really bad fight. Joey was furious with me. He said he knew I’d got thick with that scum, as he called them, and he assumed they were giving me drugs. Eventually I broke down. I was beside myself; I was sobbing and telling Joey how much I loved him and how he’d broken my heart. And then, in a pathetic attempt to make myself look better in his eyes, I started boasting about going to film school in New York. Joe just looked at me sadly and went to his bedroom; I heard him turn the key in the lock. That made me even more upset, that he wanted to lock me out. He’d never done that before.’

‘Was that the night before Joey went out in the boat on his own?’ Adam looked grim but determined.

Ben nodded. His eyes glistened with tears. ‘I woke late the next day, very hungover. Joey had already gone. He’d left a note on the kitchen table.’

This sad, confused young man stood up, and pulled something out of his trouser pocket. He walked over to me. He held the note out. ‘Read it, Molly. I’ve kept it all this time. I brought it to show you today because I decided I had to tell you.’

He looked around at Adam, Danny, Lola and Edie, who was sitting open-mouthed, staring at Ben as if she’d understood every word he’d said. ‘I had to tell you everything that happened.’ He looked shamefaced. ‘I didn’t dare show you Joey’s letter before. I was wrong to keep it from you. I’m sorry.’

I took the piece of paper. Ben walked back across the lawn and sat down next to Danny, whose poor face looked old before its time. Joey’s letter was scrawled on a piece of A4 ripped out of an exercise book. I breathed deeply and read it:

Ben,

I’m leaving you to sleep. Last night was bad and I guess you need to sleep it off.

I’ve been thinking about everything, trying to decide what to do. I’m going out in the boat for a bit. It always helps me to see things clearly. All the stuff you told me last night about those appalling shits planning a drugs deal in the Blue Peter has horrified me. There’s no way I’m going to stand by and watch those evil bastards involve you in something so utterly vile. Anyway, I think the whole idea of landing drugs on Looe Island is absurd. There are no bloody caves there. This isn’t Treasure Island, you know. I’m going to take the boat out there and find out if, as I suspect, the whole scheme is a load of old bollocks. I don’t want you going out there and risking your life for those bastards. I’m going to prove once and for all they are a bunch of brainless idiots way out of their depth.

I’ll meet you in the Blue Peter at lunchtime. If those sods are there, we’ll leave immediately. I think we should probably tell the police, but we’ll talk about it later.

Ben, you are my oldest friend. I care about you deeply. I’m sorry it’s not the way you care about me; I had no idea, and it’s been a shock. But we’ll get over it. You’ll always be my best mate. Don’t worry about anything, and look after yourself. See you later.

Joey

Adam reached out to take the letter from me, but I wouldn’t let it go. I turned away from him, trying to keep myself under control, but I was hyperventilating. I thought I’d faint. My son’s last letter; the last words my beautiful, kind-hearted son ever wrote. Seeing the anguish on my husband’s face, I reluctantly passed the note to him.

Ben was openly weeping now.

‘For him to care about me,’ he muttered brokenly, ‘for him to tell me to look after myself after I’d been such a fool, was so typical of Joe. I realised he was right about the drugs deal. I couldn’t get in any deeper with these guys, but because they knew me and were from my home town I was scared they’d beat me up, or worse, if I went to the police. I didn’t know what to do. I turned up at the Blue Peter at lunchtime, and waited for Joey. But he… he never came back.’

Adam finished reading our son’s last note and stood up.

‘Right,’ he said tersely. ‘We’re going to ring the police right now.’

I stood up too. ‘No, Adam. Don’t you see? There never was a drug deal. It didn’t happen, did it Ben?’

He shrugged. ‘I doubt it. Once I’d told the harbourmaster that Joey was missing, all hell broke loose. There were coastguards and lifeboat dinghies everywhere, and local fishermen, all searching for his boat. When they found it, wrecked on the rocks near Looe, it turned into a hunt for Joey. You must remember, it went on for days. I never did that recce, and I never saw those men again either. They just disappeared.’

‘Wren told me they hung around, on and off, for most of the summer,’ I said.

‘Well, I never saw them. But of course I went back to Manchester when you both did. I suppose they might have hung around for a while to see if they could save the deal, but the coast was heaving with searchers for weeks. I’m sure they called it off. They wouldn’t have taken the risk when there was so much activity around the island.’

I stiffened. ‘Ben, Joey’s note said he was going to the island. I think he wanted to show you how dangerous this deal could be. He said he didn’t want you risking your life. Joey may have got to Lammana.’

‘Lammana?’ Ben was confused.

‘Looe Island. It used to be called Lammana years ago. Joey may be there. I know his boat wasn’t anywhere near, but maybe Joey swam there or something.’

Adam looked at me pityingly. ‘Molly, don’t you remember they searched the island? Fishermen, coastguards and police swarmed all over it. Joey wasn’t there, love.’

‘Yes, they combed Looe Island, the searchers,’ added Ben. ‘That’s why I’m sure those Manchester guys wouldn’t have closed their deal. They must have known it would look very suspicious if they were spotted hanging around there after Joey disappeared.’ Ben looked at me sadly. ‘I’m sorry, Molly. If Joey had somehow made it to the island, he would have been found. The Wildlife Trust has people there, only a few, but Joey would have reached them. It’s a really small place; and anyway, he would have wanted to be found. He must have been pretty traumatised if he’d lost his boat.’

‘How would he lose his boat?’ I asked.

It was Adam who replied. ‘He must have been knocked overboard. It happens. He could have been caught by the boom and it knocked him in. Or maybe he lost his balance when the storm blew up. A really big wave could have thrown him over. And if the boat was on automatic pilot, it would just have gone on without him. There was no way he could have caught up with it.’