I Cannot Get You Close Enough (24 page)

“No,” he says. “I have everything I need.” Then he and Andria headed out and took the Peugeot and disappeared. I looked at Miss Lydia and shook my head. Miss Lydia returned my look. Crystal Anne came over to her mother and put her arms around her waist. She is the sweetest little girl I have ever known. She was born that way.

“Let's look at the house,” Crystal said. “We are so lucky to have this great big scary house to stay in all the summer. Come on, let's go and pick out what rooms we want.”

“Why is Alan coming?” Miss Lydia asked. “Crystal, why are you letting him come up here?”

“He won't stay long. He's on his way to Canada. And he's bringing Joe. Joe will give the children tennis lessons. They'll earn their keep.”

“I bet they will,” Miss Lydia said. “I'm sure they will.”

“Come on,” Crystal Anne said. “I want to see my room.”

So then we decided to explore the house. On the first floor were the living rooms and dining room and kitchen and one bedroom and bath added onto a living room. I suppose someone got old or wanted to be downstairs for the winter. This is an extremely old house Miss Noel has lent us. It was built before the Civil War by a man named Mr. Walker. He was a physician and a politician and other things.

On the second floor were five bedrooms, very large with bathrooms in between made from closets. There are no showers, only very large old-fashioned bathtubs.

On the third floor, which once was an attic, was a playroom for small children. It was very dusty and had not been used in years. It had a slanting roof and cunning little window boxes built in the windows and toy chests with old toys Miss Noel had collected at auctions and left there. It made me sad to pick up the toys and think of Miss Noel when she was young and beautiful, before she became an invalid and had to stay inside a house in New Orleans. When she could travel around the world and go to her house in Maine. Many famous people from the stage had been there to visit. Tallulah Bankhead had come one time. Miss Lydia wanted to have the bedroom where Tallulah Bankhead had stayed. She called Miss Noel several times to see if she could remember which one it was. They decided it was a front bedroom painted blue, so Miss Lydia took her blanket and moved in there.

That was one of the nicest days of my life, the first day we spent in Miss Noel's house in Maine. If only things could stay like their beginnings and not get complicated. Still, what are people for if not to have problems and untangle things when they get tangled. Andria has gotten involved with some Buddhist ideas and she says you could keep things from ever getting out of hand if you could be content to sit still. Like old people that sit all day on the swing or in a rocking chair and don't bother anything. But we come to that soon enough without wanting it our whole lives. All these things are so complicated. Just thinking about them is complicated. Much less when they are really happening all around you as they started happening during our vacation in Maine.

For some reason that summer I often thought of how the deer in Louisiana mate in the forest in the fall. How my husband Mark goes out with his cousins to shoot the deer when they are rutting. The deer get so crazy they leave their place of safety and run all over the forest putting themselves in danger. That is Nature having its way with us and why we have invented religion and civilization to calm us down. I was the only one that went to church that summer. Although I took Andria whenever I could get my hands on her. And once I took Crystal Anne.

ANDRIA The minute King found out Alan was coming he started going crazy. I went with him because I felt sorry for him and because I was afraid he would start drinking. Aunt Traceleen doesn't know it but I used to run into him down by Tipitina's before he quit. You never saw a boy that wild or crazy. So I was prepared for the worst but all he did when he got in the car was start complaining. Men complain all the time. They're always accusing women of complaining, but you listen sometime and see who does the most.

“I'd like to know what she expects me to do,” he says, stripping the gears and driving off down the rutted driveway as fast as he could go. “I went to that goddamn clinic and listened to all those old sad bastards and I quit shooting up and now she's letting Alan come up here. Goddamn Alan.”

“Don't drive so fast,” I say. “I'm not getting killed just because your momma made you mad.”

“So I'm supposed to go into town and get him a blanket. Let her keep him warm. She's the biggest whore in New Orleans. You know she is.”

“Don't talk about your momma like that.”

“I want to find that place Lydia told us about. That Hangout. I've got to find someplace to get away from her.”

“Well, don't start drinking around me. I'm not getting in on you starting drinking again. You were some kind of fool when you were doing all that shit.” He looked at me like I can't believe you'd say that, but then he slows down and starts acting like he has some sense. He is one good-looking boy and that's for sure. If only he would act as good as he looks.

“Are you going to start drinking?” I ask. “Say so if you are.”

“No, I'm not starting drinking. I'm going to town to find where they have meetings. I haven't been to a meeting since we left New Orleans. I'm supposed to go every day. Not that she cares. She has to get up here to shack up with her boyfriend.” He looked so sad then, so much like a little boy, I began to lose interest in him. I don't need any men with problems. I have problems of my own.

“Well, your girlfriend's coming, isn't she?”

“She better be. The only reason I came along is because she's coming. I would have gone to stay with Dad except for that. Mother's bad enough when she's alone but now she's got Lydia, my so-called godmother, and next it will be Alan. What a piece of shit this summer's turning into.”

“Let's go and find those meetings. I might go with you to one. I'm a Co-Dependent of my mother. My counselor at school last year said I should check out those Co-Dependent meetings at the AA.”

“It's not the AA. It's just AA.”

“Well, let's go find it. There's nothing else to do.” So we drove on into town and found The Hangout and had a Pepsi and then we went by the Episcopal Church and talked to the minister and got King set up for some AA meetings at the church. I signed up for the Co-Dependent group but I only went once. It looked like a bunch of whiners to me. Let my mother drink if she wants to. I'm out of there.

 

CRYSTAL Oh, God, now King will ruin everything with Alan. I'm so sick of never being happy. I let him have Jessie come up here. I came all the way up here to let him see his girlfriend. I talked Daniel into letting her come. If Daniel wasn't in love with me he wouldn't let his daughter go out with King. I wouldn't let my daughter go out with him even if he has quit drinking. He's too much like his father. He'll never be faithful to one woman. Well, he loves Jessie now.

I'm sick of being a mother. I want my own life. I want to get laid occasionally, even if it's only Alan. Oh, it's so nice when we're together. He's so funny and so mean and he's so graceful. After that long car trip and Lydia feeling sorry for herself until I could throw up. Thank God Traceleen came along. If it wasn't for Traceleen I couldn't stand it here. She is such a divine person, anytime she's in a room things get better. Traceleen and Crystal Anne. What a pair. I guess Crystal Anne imprinted on Traceleen. I was so sick after she was born. I don't remember the first few weeks. I guess Traceleen was holding her every minute while I got well, just filling her up with that weird goodness Manny says is a form of genius. I wish he had come with us. We might make it if he'd quit working so hard all the time. We're rich enough. What else does he want?

Well, I don't care. I can take care of myself. I have plenty of friends. And Alan will be here and fucking him is worth all the trouble that it makes. If King starts drinking just because Alan's coming, then I give up on him. If he starts drinking, I'll tell Daniel not to come.

Poor Manny. If he could fuck me it might be all right. He just isn't any good. He isn't bad. He isn't impotent. He just isn't any good. Maybe it was the boys' school. Maybe they masturbated all the time. I don't know. Maybe when he fucks me he has to confront something that scares him to death. I have never been able to understand it and I've given up. I'm sorry. I'm a beautiful woman and I want a lover. I don't care how much trouble they are. I can't sleep with sexually immature men. Oh, God, why has my life turned out this way? And look at King, just like his daddy. He will have every woman in the world before it's over. He will never be able to control it. Give me the man who is not passion's slave. And I will give you somebody who can't fuck worth a damn.

3

TRACELEEN I can see I am going to have to tell this one love story at a time. I will begin with Miss Crystal herself. She is married to Mr. Manny and they are determined to stay married because of Crystal Anne and because Miss Crystal is so accustomed to Mr. Manny's money that she cannot imagine herself with a different lifestyle. Unfortunately, Miss Crystal and Mr. Manny are no longer in love with each other. The romance has gone out of their marriage.

At the time of our trip to Maine Miss Crystal had been in love with Mr. Alan off and on for several years. “I would rather have one night with him than a lifetime with any other man,” she said to me one time.

Personally, from what I have seen of Mr. Alan he does not look like a great lover to me. I don't think he cares about a thing except himself. Of course, Miss Crystal's father is the same way. A very spoiled unpleasant man and extremely handsome. My auntee always told me you must watch and see how a person's parents are and from that you can tell who they will fall in love with. Well, my niece Andria's father has never been heard from again, so where does that leave her where men are concerned? But back to Miss Crystal.

We had been in Maine for six days when Mr. Alan got there. He shows up with his buddy, Mr. Joe Romaine. They are on a tennis-playing tour to make money for the summer. As soon as he gets there Miss Crystal starts sleeping with him again. She has this ecstatic look and starts losing weight and wearing light colors and letting Crystal Anne and King do anything they like. Also she starts cooking. She is cooking and directing the household and planning picnics and playing tennis. They have cleared off the tennis court. She is getting a tan and dressing up in four different outfits a day. I hadn't seen Miss Crystal like that in a long time and it worried me. She starts going on like that and I think she will spin off into the other side of the universe. If only she doesn't start drinking, I was thinking, and would shudder whenever she got out a bottle of wine and opened it for the others. People are so sensitive. Sometimes they are like balls of light and hardly seem to touch the floor as they move around each other saying things. The things they say are the hardest things of all and seem to have the most weight.

By the time he's been there three days, Mr. Alan brought it down to earth. He began to pout. Miss Crystal had asked him to stay two weeks. He starts saying he doesn't know how long he and Mr. Joe Romaine can stay. They may have to go up to Canada and teach at a camp because they are so broke. Then he's on the phone a lot and acting so phony anyone could see through it, only of course Miss Crystal can't. Because she is back to being in love with him.

Andria said to me, “He's a manipulator if I ever saw one. He's manipulating her by moping around like that. He's a dope.” We were folding clothes in the living room. Andria is studying psychology this summer. She is planning on having a minor in psychology at college so she can fall back on being a counselor. She is reading so much psychology she can hardly enjoy anything from figuring out what it means in psychology.

On top of everything else Mr. Alan started taking Miss Lydia for long walks along the ocean's edge. I couldn't believe she would go. It isn't like Miss Lydia to let someone break up her friendship with Miss Crystal. Especially a man like Mr. Alan who won't even say how many days he is going to stay. Mr. Romaine, on the other hand, was turning out to be a delightful guest. He was giving free tennis lessons to Crystal Anne and Andria and King and even tried to give one to me. He said he had heard from Andria about my basketball prowess when I was a girl in Boutte and he dragged me out onto the tennis court one afternoon. I caught on very quickly but I couldn't see the fun of playing tennis with the wind blowing off the ocean and blowing the balls everywhere. I had played some when I was young on the courts beside the Coca-Cola bottling plant in Boutte where there is no wind and it was quite a different game. Still, I appreciated Mr. Romaine wanting me to be in on the tennis lessons. Also I liked the way he thought he had to do something to pay us back for our hospitality. Mr. Alan, he acts like the world owes him a living from the word go.

 

While these entanglements are going on with the adults, Crystal Anne is building onto a treehouse she found behind the garage in an old maple tree. Andria is studying psychology books. King is fishing and waiting for Mr. Daniel Hand to get here with his daughters and I am interviewing applicants from the employment agency to find someone to do the heavy work.

4

LYDIA Of course the reason Noel sent us up here is to get the letters Anna wrote to her. They're right there in the dining room in the blue chest. We hadn't been in Maine twenty-four hours before Noel called up to see if I had found them yet.

“They're right there,” I said. “Where you said they'd be.”

“Good. Bring them when you come.”

“Why are you so worried about them?”

“I don't want anyone seeing them. I want you to bring them here but don't read them first.”

“I don't want to read them. I'm furious with Anna for killing herself. It was a stupid cowardly act.”