I (2 page)

It was the kind of day that always got me down—windy, gray, boring. I was in a bad mood before I even rolled out of bed. Everything was going wrong in my life. I thought,
I can't deal with this spooky old house one more minute. I've got to get out
. I was tired and depressed. Rape and murder were the last things on my mind.

Hanging out was always hard on me. I was raised on work. The whole family tree was like that—work, work and more work. But I had too many driving violations to go back to my job as a long-distance trucker, at least for a while. I was collecting unemployment and sending half to my ex-wife. Which meant I was usually broke. And bored.

The whole Christmas season had been a downer. I'd sold everything to buy presents for my kids. Sold my eighteen-speed Twin Voyager for $350, half what it was worth. Sold my graphite fishing pole, my Garcia 5000 reel, lures, sinkers, line, fishing tackle I'd accumulated since I was a kid. Sold everything I owned to bring in cash for Christmas.

I was living in my girlfriend's little ranch house in Portland, just off Interstate 84. I'd left my wife and kids for Peggy Jones (a pseudonym), and now the bitch was out on the road, screwing another trucker. Five days after Christmas she'd gone to a truck stop and started flirting again. Didn't come home that night and didn't call—nothing new for Peg.

Just after New Year's the phone rang and an operator said, “I have a collect call for Keith Jesperson.” It was Peggy, telling me she was in Knoxville with her new boyfriend. She ordered me out of her house—“Move! If you're gonna stay there, you're gonna pay me rent.” She told me to send her money, called me an asshole and hung up.

I felt like punching somebody, even though it wasn't my nature. I was sitting out front stewing when I spotted an alley cat. I lured it into the house and prodded it into a corner where it couldn't get away. Then I strangled it. I got my dislike of cats from my dad, I guess. I'd killed animals since I was five or six. For a while it was one of my jobs. Killing cats was no big deal to me. It kind of relieved the pressure.

 

I was never violent with human beings, but at the same time I was nobody's wimp. A few days after Peg ran off with the other trucker, I'd gone to Albertson's Market to do some freelance labor, unloading sixty-pound bags off a truck. Eight of the regular lumpers came after me with clubs and baseball bats. I grabbed the first guy and broke his arm with his own bat. I snapped another guy's leg. They ran like deer. When you stand six-six and weigh 250 pounds and know how to box, you're already a lethal weapon.

Peggy always tried to make me play the stern daddy with her two kids. I refused. She kicked their ass, but I'd been beaten as a kid and made up my mind I would never hit a child or a woman. I never hit my own kids, never laid a hand on my ex-wife or any other woman. Once I got so mad at my wife I put my fist through a door, but I didn't come close to hitting her.

 

It was lonely without my girlfriend, and I only wished she'd come back. She was trouble, but we always had great sex. Without her my social life consisted of drinking coffee and talking with other drivers at the truck stops around Portland. Or I'd watch TV, take long walks, and shoot pool in taverns. Usually I stayed out till after midnight, doing nothing. I never felt at home in Peg's spooky house and looked for every excuse to get away.

 

In the middle of January she'd phoned again and told me she'd made a firm decision to stay with the new boyfriend, and we were finished for good. I got pissed and depressed at the same time. Now all I had for company was the ghosts that hung out in Peg's house. The family story was that they were two men who hanged themselves fifty or sixty years ago. I swear you could feel them in the air. You'd walk down the hallway and brush against something you couldn't see. At night they crawled across Peggy and me in bed. Shadows on the walls would appear and fade out. Sometimes the ghosts would yell and howl and bang on the walls. We just learned to accept it. What else?

 

On that dismal morning of January 21, 1990, I left the house with only a few bucks so I wouldn't overspend. I was killing time, as usual, but I never thought I'd end up killing a human being.

I decided to shoot some pool. In the bars it was winner stays up and challengers pay, so I could usually play free as long as I wanted. I was good at nine-ball. I called razzle-dazzle shots, two-rail shots, English, massés, trick shots. I was almost good enough to hustle professionally.

About 2:00
P.M
. I found myself in the B&I Tavern with a buck or two in my pocket. The B&I was like a half-dozen other joints in the Gresham neighborhood. It was a seedy old place in a blue-collar area of plain wooden houses, bars and liquor stores, small shops. A smelly bluish haze came up from the trucks and cars on Burnside and the other arterials. They call Portland “the Rose City,” but there weren't many roses in this part of town.

Three pool tables were open, so I grabbed a cue, put in my quarters, and broke the balls. I went to the bar to order a black coffee—watching my weight. When I turned around, I saw that one gal had started a game with two blond-haired guys. She was about five-six, with dark hair to her shoulders and a petite build—looked a lot like my ex-wife Rose but even prettier. This gal had kind of a round face and a big happy smile like she didn't have a care.

When she noticed me eyeballing her, she ran up and gave me a big hug. The barmaid twirled her index finger around her ear and said, “Why are you hugging this guy? You don't know him. He's not a part of your life.” Later the waitress told me the girl was a retard who hung out with losers in bars and pool halls. She was very sweet and nice, but she didn't know enough to come in out of the rain.

After I shot a few racks by myself, the girl asked me to join her and the two guys, said her name was Taunja. A friendly game of pool would have been okay, but I noticed that their tabletop was empty. That meant they were trolling for a beer sponsor. I walked home.

I moped around and watched TV for an hour or two, but everything still seemed flat and depressing. I kept remembering the pretty girl hugging me and the bartender motioning that she was a little off. My fantasies shifted into high.

I drove my borrowed 74 Nova two-door back to the B&I, thinking,
She must actually like me! Retard or not, how often does
that
happen?
By the time I arrived, I was totally turned on.

As I was walking into the tavern she was walking out. I followed her to the parking lot. I thought,
If I can get her into my car, I'll try to take her home and have sex with her. If she resists, maybe I'll take it anyway
. Four or five years earlier I'd tried to take a gal by force in my truck, but she got away. After that, I cleaned up my act. Now I felt like trying again. My whole life was screwed up and I was on my ass. What did I have to lose?

I walked up to the girl and said, “Hi. How you doing? Remember me? This afternoon I was in the tavern—and you hugged me.”

She smiled and said, “Oh, yeah, I remember you. What do you want?”

I said, “I was just going to eat someplace. How'd you like to go have a bite to eat, maybe play pool later?”

I guess that's what she wanted to hear. “Sure sounds good to me,” she said.

I led her to my car and she got in. I opened my wallet to show her that I was broke, but I told her I had a twenty in my dresser drawer. “It's only six blocks from here. Do you mind coming with me for a few minutes?” She nodded.

I parked in the driveway next to Peggy's old Ford Pinto. I said, “Why don't you come inside for a few minutes? I could use the bathroom and maybe shave.”

“Well, all right,” she said. “I'll leave my Walkman and purse in the car.”

I thought about actually taking her to dinner, mainly because if I showed her a good time she'd put out for sure. But I also needed to follow through with my fantasy. I was thinking about what I'd done to the cat.

I guided Taunja to my front door. She asked me who owned the parked Pinto and I told her my roommate was trucking in the East and wouldn't be back for weeks. I closed the door behind us and went into the bedroom to figure out my next move. My mind was spinning. I thought about keeping her as my sex slave. I wanted total possession—no bullshit and no back talk. I would keep her for a couple of weeks and then kick her out. I'd read about Ted Bundy keeping his women for a long time before he killed them. Some women had it coming.

The girl spied Jesus Christ on the wall and said, “Nice picture. What's with the mattress on the floor?”

I said, “I sleep and watch TV there. I feel more comfortable.”

I was fascinated at her trust in a total stranger. Maybe it was because she was half-drunk. I realized that I was in full control.

I came up behind her and kissed her neck. She ran straight for the door. I grabbed her and said, “I guess sex is out of the question?”

When she didn't answer I laid her on the mattress and kissed her. The curtains were shut and the windows and doors closed. She was trapped!

She wriggled away and ran to the door again. I was surprised at how strong she was. I dragged her back to the mattress. I could feel her trembling in my grip. But just when I thought she was totally scared, she kissed me and told me to hurry up.

“Kiss me again,” I said, “with feeling.” When she realized that I was giving the orders, she began to put out a little. After a while I yanked down her jeans and rubbed her crotch. I reached under her top and pushed the bra up over her breasts and felt her up.

We kissed some more and she guided me in. In a few strokes I came in an orgasm. I didn't want to stop. I stayed inside and waited, and pretty soon I was giving it to her again, slow and easy.

She finally got tired of waiting for me. She didn't know I'd already come. She yanked at me and started babbling. “I don't feel a thing. Why don't you get it over with and take me out to dinner! No more kissing! I'm not in love with you, man. Let's go! I'm hungry.”

I saw red. It brought back so many nights with other women.
Wham bam thank you Keith.
A lot of women are users. Sex is a means to an end, not a romantic thing. They'll give you a little, but not because they love you.

I pumped in another orgasm and then I looked down at her with my dick still inside and thought,
Now that it's over, she'll expect payment in full
. Well, I'm not giving her a dime. I don't have to put up with that kind of selfish shit anymore. I looked at her face and I could swear my ex-wife looked back.

I decided to knock her out with one punch. She would wake up hog-tied and nowhere to go. Then I could take all the sex I wanted. I would figure out what to do with her after I'd had my fun. I still wasn't thinking about murder.

I put all of my strength into one blow and punched her in the temple. She just stared at me. I hit her again to knock her out, but she stayed awake. I couldn't understand. When I was a boxer I knocked guys out with one punch, wearing twelve-ounce gloves!

I hit her again and again, but she wouldn't go under. I thought,
Why isn't this like the crime shows on TV?
The more I hit her, the more I wanted to hit her. It felt like me and the cat, only better. In all my thirty-four years I'd never hit a female, but I smashed this girl twenty times—rights, lefts, jabs, uppercuts, hooks. I punched her till I couldn't recognize her face and then I punched her some more. It just felt good. I felt like I was paying back the women in my life, the demons in the house, all my troubles. The ghosts would run off—no more noises in the night, waking me up. Now they knew what I could do.

I stopped punching and looked down. Her face was squashed—broken nose, broken jaw, teeth sticking through her lips. But she still wasn't out! She clawed at the blankets and cried, kept saying, “Mommy! Mommy! Make him stop!
Make him stop, Mommy!
” Her eyes were bloody. She clawed at me, but all she caught was air.