I blame the scapegoats (38 page)

The
US fashion industry spotted a gap in the market and put a Gap in every high
street, Nike have got a big tick against every country in the world, and if you
have a coffee machine in your home, then expect Starbucks to open a branch in
your kitchen any day now. Indeed, with coffee being the second most important
trading commodity after oil, how long until anti-war protestors are chanting
'No Blood For Cappuccinos'?

American interests are advanced by NATO, the
IMF, the WTO, the World Bank and dozens of multi-nationals whose turnover is
greater than the GDP of most countries. Indeed it won't be long until an
American company organizes the first leverage buy-out of a sovereign state.
'Ladies and gentlemen of the board, following a successful takeover bid, this
company will now be known as Glaxo-Smith-Kline-Belgium. It gives us a seat in
the European Union, a small army and an almost unlimited supply of yummy
chocolates.'

There is a certain irony that today the
American Empire is celebrating an essentially anti-imperialist event. But
outside the States, July 4th is now becoming the focus for a new campaign - a
declaration of independence
from
America.
Today at US bases in Britain, such as USAF Fairford in Gloucestershire or at
Menwith Hill in Yorkshire, parties are being held to celebrate the idea that
maybe one day we could live in a country that did not automatically assist in
the star wars programme, did not send British troops in support of US foreign
policy and were not forced to call Marathon bars 'Snickers'.

But being against US government policy should
not be lazily extended to a general anti-Americanism. If you're a US citizen,
please do not think I bear you any personal ill will (unless you yourself
happen to be reading this, George W., which let's face it is unlikely given the
absence of pictures). So Happy Independence Day, America; you did a fantastic
job throwing off the hereditary monarchy of George III. But now would it be
okay if we declared independence from the hereditary presidency of George II?

Acknowledgements

As
ever I would like to thank Mark Burton and Pete Sinclair for permitting me to
recycle the occasional line that we wrote together back in the golden age of
the Home Service wireless and I am sure that they'll be particularly delighted
that one of the old gang is being paid for their repetition (i.e. me). I'd also
like to thank my agent Georgia Garrett, and Bill Scott-Kerr who edits my
material so carefully and and glberdg

Although one or two pieces in this collection
are published here for the first time in the UK, the vast majority of them
originally appeared in the
Guardian,
for
which I would like to thank Seumas Milne, Becky Gardiner, Stephen Moss, Joseph
Harker and everyone else on the comment pages. Writing under the headline
'Comment and Analysis' has meant having to pretend to offer an opinion from
time to time, so where I did not have the faintest idea what I thought about an
issue I simply found out what Frederick Forsyth's angle was and then plumped
for the opposite point of view.

But
most of all, for warning me against the dangers of making an acknowledgements
list a thinly disguised attempt at name-dropping, I would especially like to
thank Philip Roth, Sting, Nicole Kidman, Bill and Hilary Clinton, the Dalai
Lama and, of course, little Brooklyn Beckham.