I Am Not Junco Omnibus: Books Four - Six (10 page)

"It's probably gone, Juncs. Your dad—"

My exaggerated sigh interrupts him. "I know what he did was wrong, Hand. So please. I just need to get out there, I can't think about anything else right now. And my stuff will be there. It was designed to withstand more than a few nukes, believe me."

"Hey, Juncs?" He tilts my chin up until I look him in the eyes. "Your dad's crimes are not transferable here, OK? I said I have your back, and I mean it." I nod and he smiles and lightens things up. "Now get your little ass in here and say hello to everyone." He claps me on the back as I pass in front of him and I let each and every one of his many family members squeeze and suffocate me with love until I can barely breathe.

The Hando house is not a house, it's an old factory. The first two floors of the original six-story building have been gutted and redesigned to accommodate the huge gatherings they have there. It's a common room, not a place where anyone actually lives, because they all have their own houses scattered around the compound.

When I'm ushered inside the familiar smell of home cooking grabs at my heart and makes my stomach twist in longing for all the weekends I spent here with these people as a teen. There are at least twenty little kids running around—kids who belong to Hand's older brothers and probably some younger brothers and sisters too. This family is crazy about kids.

The main room is really just one big open-plan living space filled with noise and activity and love. There are several tables lined up end to end so that when family dinner time comes around, everyone is connected by mismatched tablecloths, and place mats, and silverware, and dishes. They don't separate out the kids either, everyone sits together—rubbing elbows and kicking each other under the table due to lack of space.

No ever complains that there's not enough room.

It's late right now so I've missed dinner by hours, but the kitchen comes alive and they usher me to another table. Not the family dinner table, but the game table that's part of the open kitchen space. All the adults sit with me and listen to my story quietly and then the space in front of me is filled with rice and carnitas. I wash it all down with cerveza and shots of tequila and enjoy my surrogate family while I can. We push the bad aside and get loud and animated playing cards and laughing. And I really do forget, if only for an hour or two, that my world is falling apart. It's easy to forget all the bad stuff when I'm here with them.

Later, Hand leads me through the concrete maze of roads and buildings that is the interior Hando compound until we find his house. We're both half drunk and happy as he shuttles me into his living room and pushes me down on the couch.

"Stay here for a minute, OK? I'm gonna go get you some clothes from Mia real fast."

I stare up at him, his eyes hidden from me in the shadows.

"What?"

I shake my head and sigh. "You're a good guy, know that, John?"

He laughs at my use of his given name. No one calls him John, not even his mother. "You know better, Junco. You of all people know that I'm about the farthest thing from a good guy there is."

"You're wrong."

I make out a smile as he leaves to go find his sister Mia.

The couch is soft and I lean back and let out a deep breath.

Isten
.

I push him away because there's another name on my mind right now.

Tier.

The alcohol makes me want to call for him in my head. The name wants to be spoken so badly but there is no one to speak it to, so I can only say it to myself. The last time we were really together it was on the ship. The night before the drop into the MR before we got my Siblings back. I should've told him I thought I was pregnant because then we would've had a chance to talk about it. Make it real. Now it feels like a dream, like it never happened.

At least to me it does, but obviously Tier doesn't feel the same way. I did choose Gideon, but not for the reason he thinks. I cannot even imagine what it would be like to lose Gideon. It makes me choke down a sob just thinking about it and it's not because I love him the same way I love Tier. It's just that Gideon has always been there for me. Even if he was gone doing—whatever they used to make him do when I was little—I knew he'd be back.

And he always did come back. Until all that shit happened before graduation. I have a feeling that's when that picture Gideon showed me back in the Runout tunnels was taken. During the worst days of my life. But somehow his hand draped across my shoulder was enough to make me smile for the seconds it took to capture my fleeting happiness forever.

I have a sickening suspicion that my bouts of instability have something to do with Gid being erased from my memory. Without Gideon I am a monster. Without Gideon I have no direction. That little compass Tier gave me was wrong. My one true direction lies through Gideon because Lucan isn't the Devil. I am. Gid is the only thing that makes me good. Without Gideon I'm more than bad, I'm evil.

I feel this to be true and maybe I did choose him over the baby. I don't think of it that way, but if Tier does, then whatever. I get it. He's allowed to have his perspective. And I can't even tell him I'm sorry about it because actually, I'm not sorry.

I chose Gideon.

And then I chose Lucan.

And the only person I want is Tier. But since when do my desires ever fucking matter?

Never, that's when.

Never.

Hand comes back in the house and tosses me some clothes. "She gave you some jeans and a t-shirt. Plus a jacket for when you leave. That OK?"

I nod a little. "Yeah, that's perfect, Hand. Make sure you tell her I said thanks." I get up and try to unzip Selia's borrowed bustier that I'm still wearing. My hands fumble with the zipper and Hand steps in and pulls it down for me. I let it fall to the floor and turn around to face him.

Hand smiles. "Shit, Junco, you look like a goddess." He reaches for the t-shirt and pulls it over my head as I slip my arms though the sleeves. Then he grabs my hair and gently lifts it out of the shirt, feeling it between his fingertips like it's something precious as it falls down my back.

"I'll take the couch, Junco. You can have my room, OK?"

I laugh. "You're kidding, right?"

His smile is sad as he fishes into his pants pocket and pulls out a comm. He flips through the menu and holds it up to me.

It's a picture.

Of a family.

He's got a wife and kids.

"Oh."

"They're staying out on the reservation right now, for safety reasons, you know," he explains.

That seriously hurts. "Right." I walk off down the hallway and find his room and flop down alone on the bed. Feeling very lonely. And wondering just how big of a mistake I made when I went back to the RR with James and traded Hando, and the life he offered, for the Seven Siblings nightmare that has become my reality.

Chapter Ten

The mess is quiet this afternoon because all of my officers are in the middle of war games with their squadrons out on the scrub, so it's just Aren and I, plus the first-year cadets, who never even look at me, let alone bother me at my dinner table.

I feel his eyes on me and I shift on the bench, becoming uncomfortable.

His fork clanks against his plate as he scoops up some food but before he can shovel it into his mouth and prevent the words from coming, they come out.

"I can't cover for you any more, Junco."

I finish chewing my chicken, swallow and take a drink of my orange juice before I answer. "So don't."

He lets out a long draw of breath, which tells me that he's frustrated but not yet mad. "Do you have any idea what he'll do to you if you get caught?"

I just shrug and pick up a roll.

"It won't be pleasant, Junco."

No, he's definitely not mad. Concerned. This stops me and I pay a little more attention to him. "It's my dad, Aren. He won't do anything horrible. I mean, he'd be pissed, yeah. But trust me, he'll understand. All I have to tell him is the reason—"

"Don't," he says, cutting me off and looking around nervously, "you dare tell him anything about weapons, Junco. I told you that at the beginning of the year, but lately you act like there are no words coming out of my mouth. What the hell are you doing when you're gone?"

Now he's pissed. And this isn't about weapons, either. He's pissed because he knows when I leave over the weekends I'm meeting someone else.

"That's jealousy, Aren. I'm not interested in jealousy. I told you I'm not cheating on you, so if you wanna believe I am, you can do that alone. We're done."

His fist pounds on the table in front of me and I jump with the silverware before I can catch myself. I look around and now we have the attention of the entire lower class.

I get up from the bench and grab my tray, but he snatches my arm before I can get past him. "Let go of my arm," I say, glaring down at him, "or I will break your hand right here in front of all these kids."

He knows I will and lets it go.

"I'm sorry you're not on board with what I do on my leave days, but I really don't care, Aren. I'm doing it."

"So we're done?"

I don't have time for this so I just give him what he wants. "Yeah, we're done." I dump my stuff in the trash and hand my tray to the kitchen staff who are watching us with a little too much interest.

Aren is next to me before I can make a hasty exit and takes my hand, leading me out of the hall and then into the cold spring evening.

Council 1 Cadet Academy is a large sprawling acreage that lies just southwest of Council 3 in the hills that are commonly called the Black Forest from their original name last century. I can see the ziggurat of Peak City climbing up towards the heavens from almost every building on campus.

Except when it's cloudy. Like today.

It's a bad omen, I think.
When the peak is hiding, it's a day for fighting.
That's the old cadet school superstition. Cloudy days mean bad days and this certainly seems to be holding true for me now.

I check my timeclip as Aren ushers me across campus. I have fifteen minutes to get out of here or I won't make it on time, but since he's dragging me towards my dorm, and I need to pick up my bag anyway, I just follow along.

He stops at my door and waits for me to unlock it, then opens it for me and waits for me to enter before closing it behind us.

"Junco—"

Shit, he's not wasting any time with the talk.

"—I get it, you're a private person, you need your space, and I don't think you're cheating."

I wait for it. There's a but coming.

"But I can't cover for you anymore. He knows, Junco. He knows you're doing shit somewhere else when you leave."

Aren stops as I pick up my bag and sling it over my shoulder, then break for the door. "So what? He hasn't paid any attention to me all freaking year, Aren. He does not care. I promise you, nothing is gonna happen."

He grabs me by both shoulders and shakes me. Hard. "He does care, he is paying attention, and Junco, this is attention you do not want, take my word on that."

And here it is. Another cryptic message about my father that creeps in when he's not getting his way and I'm doing things he doesn't want me to do. "Unless you give me details, I'm gonna tell you the same thing I told you last month. I don't care."

He drops his hands and lets me pass.

"Fine, then. But when all this shit hits the fan, don't blame me. I tried to warn you, I tried to stop you, but you're only interested in Gideon and whoever that guy is you're meeting down in Dallas."

I turn and look at him now. It surprises me that he knows, but I should've seen it coming, really. Aren's a resourceful guy, he's got more power than I do around here because he's not a cadet, he's a captain in the RR Defense.

"Have you seen my father, Aren?"

"You know I only speak to him on the comms."

"Right, the comms. Since when does my dad use comms in his everyday work? Answer me that? Because I've lived with the man my entire life and while he's always had one available, he never
ever
carried one around on him. We never had one in plain view at our house and he used them sparingly and with discretion. So what the hell is going on?"