I am HER... (50 page)

 
"Yes, but it's complicated.  She slept with my husband."
  "Oh.  What a bitch!"
  "No!  She didn't actually
know
he was my husband at the time."
  "Huh.  That
is
complicated.  Do you believe she didn't know?" Do I believe her?  Yes, I do.
  "I believe her."
  "Can you forgive her?"
  "I'm not sure.  Yes, I think. It’s just so weird.  How do you sit with a friend you know has had sex with your husband...?  What would YOU do? 
Honestly.
"
  "Well, after I punched them both in the face, I'd forgive her, but I'd dump his sorry ass. 
He
knew he was married, after all."
  "Kayla said that!  She actually said I could punch her in the face, and she wouldn't even hit me back!  I can't believe you just said that!" Holy
SHIT
.  It's like the freakiest déjà vu, ever!
  "It really
must
be the name then."
  "Can I put my normal clothes on now?  I just feel so, like, fat and naked in this gown."
  "We can try later this afternoon, certainly.  You just took more pain meds. The
awesome
ones..." she winks “So you'll be too unstable to stand for a few hours.  But I promise later, I'll help you walk around a little.  Once you can walk around on your own, I can remove the catheter, and then you get your own clothes.  Sound good?"
  "Yes.  Thank you so much, Kayla.  You are just so, so awesome or something.  Sorry, that sounded stupid." 
  "Nah, it's good.  I love hearing how
awesome
I am," she says laughing.
  The meds are already hitting me. 
Jeez.
  How long have I been awake?  Like an hour, and I already feel like sleeping?  That's a first.  Maybe I should stop taking these pills.
  "Before you sleep, I
HAVE TO
KNOW
... which tall guy is your husband?  I saw the tall dark and yummy who visits you in the evenings, and I know the tall dark and yummy who used to stay overnight.  Which one is your husband?  I'm
dying
to know.  And ah,
way to go
, by the way-
Two
dark and yummies?
Sweet.
" 
  What?  I feel a little trampy when she says it like that.  No!  Don't go there.  Kayla is teasing and having fun.  Don't get all sensitive and judgy.
  "Um, the tall one in suits is Marcus my husband,
I guess.
  And the other one with the bright crazy colorful shirts is Z.  He's my, ah,
friend
." Blush. 
Shit.
  "Well, the husband looks yummy, and the, ah,
friend
looks
delicious
."
  "Kayla!  It's not like that.  I swear.  It's just so complicated and weird and uneasy and unsettled and..."
  "No worries.  I'm not judging you, I'm just jealous,
I swear
.  Relax.  It's time for you to rest now anyway.  I'm sure the happy pills have kicked in- And lord knows with those 2 men around, you're guaranteed
sweet
dreams..."  Again, she smiles, but now she winks as well.
  "Thank you.  I am tired again.  I just want to sleep for a little while, okay?"
  "Yup.  I'm here all day, so I'll come back in a hour or two to check on you."
  "
Promise?!"
  God, that sounded so pathetic and needy.
  "Yeah, I promise.  But there's one more thing..."  And here it is!  I've been waiting for it.
  "What?"  Big inhale.  Hold breath.  Wait.
  "There has been a Kayla from Chicago who calls each and every day since you were admitted.  She has irritated every single nurse in this department, and I think a few nurses from other departments as well.  I even told her to fuck off once, which could have cost me my job, but thankfully, she just laughed at me and thanked me for the information.  If this is the same Kayla, and I'm sure it is... You really
do
have a good friend there. She misses you terribly, anyone can tell.  And she is worried sick about you."  Wow.  Big exhale.
  "Oh... um, thanks..."
  "I just wanted you to know, in case you were unsure of her intentions, or you didn't know if you still had a friendship left.  I suggest you take her up on her offer and punch her in the face, then hug her for a long time, and then get absolutely hammered together and trash talk everyone and
everything
you can think of.  That should clear everything up nicely."
  "
Seriously?"
  "Absolutely.  And that's not just my medical opinion talking."
  "God, you’re just like her.  I swear, I love having you here.  Thank you so much." 
Shit.
  More tears.
  "Just relax, okay?  I don't think anyone could handle 2 Kaylas at once, but I'll gladly substitute for your
Chicago
Kayla while you're here.  Sound good?"

 
"Yes, thank you.  Does that make you my
New York
Kayla?”
  "You betcha.  Sleep now, okay?  I'll be back soon."
   Walking out my door, Kayla looks back, winks at me, and then she's gone.  She really is Just. Like. Kayla.  How is that even possible?  Maybe I'm hallucinating or something.  I mean, they don't really look that much alike, other than they are both really tall, but that's about it.  If I was hallucinating, wouldn't my two Kaylas look the same?

 
Why am I even thinking about this?  Christ, I'm weird.  Go to sleep, now.  Close your eyes.  Ah, there it is... the pull.  I'm already almost there.

      "Let go, love."
 

 
Oh! 
Z.
  God, I miss your voice, but I'm letting go...

  Waking however long later, I see Mack in the corner working on some paperwork.  He doesn't see me watching him.  He really is quite handsome.  He is tall like Z, but much thinner.  Actually, he looks too thin. 
  Maybe he doesn't eat enough working at the hospital.  God knows, hospital food is gross.  Actually, he does seem to work a lot.  Maybe he doesn't have enough time to eat regularly.  I should make sure he eats.  Ooops.  He caught me looking.
  "Hi.  How are you feeling?"
  "Good.  You?"
  "I'm well.  I read that you had more vomiting earlier and more pain as well.  Are you comfortable right now?"
  "I think so, though I haven't moved my head yet.  It's usually only my head that hurts.  Oh, and my hand, and sometimes my heart..."  Shut up! 
Jesus!
  "Your heart?"  Nope. I'm not talking about Z.
  "Where's Kayla?"
  "The nurse, Kayla?"
  "Yes.  She said she would be back to check on me."
  "She was here.  She filled out the notes on you.  It seems you two had a nice conversation.  She didn't leave details, but she did state that you were very lucid, with ‘a charming personality’.  She wrote that she enjoyed her time talking with you, and that you seemed to enjoy your time with her as well."  She did?  She liked me?!  That's awesome!
  "Oh, good.  She was really nice to me.  I liked her a lot.  She is just like my other friend Kayla in Chicago."
  "Your other friend?  Z mentioned what happened with your other friend Kayla.  Have you chosen to resume the friendship, then?"
  "I think so.  ‘New York Kayla’ thinks I should punch ‘Chicago Kayla’ in the face, give her a big hug, and then get hammered and trash talk everyone and everything.  She's amazing."
  "Is she?  Well, I don't know that a nurse should be prompting patients to physical violence, or even rendering a medical opinion, or otherwise, but I'm glad you were comfortable with her enough to talk to her about some of your issues."  Gulp.  That sounded bad.

 
As if on cue, Kayla walks in. 
Shit!
  I didn’t mean to get her into trouble.  What do I do?
Christ!
  I'm panicking again.
  "Mack!  Kayla was just joking, I know she was.  So was I.  Of course, she wasn't telling me to do anything wrong.  I'm sorry if it sounded that way. Kayla!  I'm sorry.  Mack is mad at you, and it's all my fault.  I didn't mean to get you in trouble." 
  "Relax..."
  "No!  Mack is going to PUNISH you and it's my fault!  I’m really, really sorry!  I was just telling him how nice you were, how you are like my other friend Kayla, and I told him what you said to do, but I WAS JOKING!  Mack doesn't understand."
  "Stop!  It’s fine."
  "No! 
Please.
  Oh,
God!
  I'm sorry, Kayla.  I wanted to be your friend.  I wanted to keep you."

 
I can feel the tears pouring down my face again.  I can feel my head throbbing.  I can feel the upset in the room.  I feel everything, and I just want to go back a few minutes, and never say anything to Mack.  I fucking hate Mack right now.
  "Listen to me.  Look at me."
  "No!  Fuck you, Mack!  I fucking hate you for taking Kayla away!" 
  "Listen. To. Me!  I am not mad at Kayla, and I most certainly am NOT going to
punish
her.  I was merely going to suggest that she keep your conversations slightly more professional, or at the very least, have your unconventional conversations while I'm in the room, so that I may spot, or witness any potential triggers for you.  That's all.  And, I wouldn't begrudge either of you a friendship."  Oh.  But...
  "But you said you didn't want her 'prompting me to physical violence, or rendering a medical opinion, or
otherwise'
.   You sounded very angry.  You sounded like you would hurt her."
  "I would never
hurt
anyone- especially a woman.  And I certainly wouldn't
prevent
a friendship from forming.  I just want to be apprised of your conversations, so that I can monitor you.  You are
my
patient, and as such, I need to be aware of anything that upsets you, or even something that pleases you.  I'm trying to help you, but I can't do that if I don't know what you’re thinking or feeling from one moment to the next.  That's all.  I have no ulterior motives, I promise you.  You are safe.  And your 'New York Kayla' is safe."
  In the stillness of the room, I finally exhale.  Kayla hasn't moved from the doorway.  Mack hasn't moved from the end of my bed.  They both just seem to be waiting for something... waiting for me to do or say something, I think.  What should I do?
  "Um... I'm sorry I told you to fuck off Mack.  I didn't mean it.  You're always so nice to me.  I was just really scared."
  "I understand.  And please don’t worry; most patients want to tell us doctors to
fuck off
from time to time." 
What?
  "And I'm sorry I almost got you in trouble Kayla.  I just wanted Mack to know how nice you were to me."
  "No problem.  And it's true, most patients
and nurses
want to tell the doctors to fuck off
most
of the time." 
WHAT?!
  Oh. My.
God!
  I have never wanted to laugh so badly in my life.  Holding it in as best I can, I look over at Mack and his smirk does me in.  He wants to laugh too.  I can tell.

 
I can't stop it.  My laughter bursts forth.  I am howling with laughter.  Even though my head feels like it’s going to explode, I can't stop it.  Actually, I just kind of snorted too.  Disgusting and funnier.  Kayla looks at me with such a comical look of disgust on her face at my snort, I laugh even harder, as she joins me.
  "Real
lady-like
there.  And to think you snort like that, AND have two hot guys wanting you... Jesus!  What the
hell
am
I
doing wrong?!"  Too. Funny.
  "Please stop! 
Seriously,
Kayla.  My head is going to explode.  Please?"
  "Okay.  But
honestly
.  You have got to tell me your secret with men when Dr. MacDonald leaves the room.  Promise me."
  "My
secret?
  Yeah, right.  If you were a scarred up, sexually repressed whore, who repeatedly got fucked in the ass as a kid by many men,
and
her own doctor, even as her daddy took the pictures... then I could help you.  As it stands now, you have
GOT
to be WAY better off than I am..."  More laughter.  This is too funny.
  As laughter tears fall down my cheeks I look to see if Mack is still laughing and I am stunned into silence.  My laughter just stops dead.  Everything in the room stops dead.  What the hell is happening?  Gasp.
  "
What?
  What's wrong?!"  Gulp. 
Shit
.  What did I do now?  Looking at Kayla, she is frozen- just
frozen
in the doorway.

 
"Do you know what you just said?  Do you remember what you said?"  Mack asks me all serious and kind of angry looking.