I am HER... (5 page)

 
Breathing hard, almost choking on my nausea, I close my eyes and hear him deep inside me.
    "
Breathe.  Come on, Sweetheart.  Just breathe slowly for me..." 

 
God, his voice was lovely.  He sounded so deep, and silky.  I try to picture him in my mind, but all I see is darkness.

 
Slowly opening my eyes, I look up, and realize Kayla is wiping mascara from my cheeks.  She looks very concerned, and tender toward me.  Embarrassed, I pull the tissue from her and begin cleaning my own face.  Was I crying? 
Doubtful.
  It must have been the laughter.
  "You're going home, Sweetie.  And I don't want to hear it.  Grab your purse.  I'll tell everyone you had a family emergency and we should expect you back tomorrow.  That’ll buy you some time, in case you need more than today to recover."  
Recover? 
Recover from
what? 
I'm fine.  I just laughed.
  "Kayla.  I'm good.  I was just laughing. 
Honestly.
  Please forget what I told you about Marcus and me.  Everything’s fine.  I promise."
  "Yeah,
right.
  Anyway, I'm not taking
no
for an answer, so you might as well get going.  You need a break Sweetie.  You need to get out of here.  I'll forward your calls to my phone, and I’ll check your emails this afternoon.  Everything will still be here when you return tomorrow."
  Looking at Kayla, I’m so embarrassed.  I can't stand to see her eyes on me because she is so full of pity. I want to cry, but I won't.  I don't cry.  I will never cry in front of anyone.  I don't do that,
ever.
  "Um...Okay.  Please tell everyone I'll be back tomorrow."

 
"Sure.  No problem.  And Sweetie, don't worry about you and Marcus.  You'll work it out.  And don't worry about the dream either...
it happens
.  I've dreamed about lots of people before.  It's no big deal.  It's flattering actually..." she says with a grin.

 
Blushing, I think I'm going to die- right here, right now.

 
Standing, I grab my purse and head for the door, but before I can leave Kayla says, "Oh, and please tell Marcus that I'm not interested.  I think you are more than enough woman for him. He is quite lucky to have you..."  Turning, I leave my office, ignoring Kayla completely.
   Sure.  I'm
MORE
than enough woman for Marcus.  With my
'big thighs and butt'
, I'm sure Marcus is just
drooling
to be with me.  I'm sure he has dirty dreams about me.  I'm sure he thinks about me constantly between the weeks-long wait between love-making sessions. 
 

                                 ==========

  Returning home, I feel exhausted.  Though my sleep was interrupted by Marcus in the night, I still slept for at least 6 hours.  That’s usually more than enough.  So why am I so tired?
  Walking to my bedroom, I remove my black dress suit, and climb on my bed in my bra and underwear.  I never do this.  This feels kind of illicit.  I'm always dressed.  If it wasn't for the mirror across from the shower, I would never see myself naked.  I don't like naked.  Naked feels dirty.  Naked feels like
asking
to be hurt.  I don’t do half dressed, and I
certainly
DON’T DO NAKED
...

                                
==========

  
  Waking from my nap, I realize it's after 7pm.  I slept for over 7 hours? 
What the hell?
  Jumping from the bed, I listen for Marcus, but hear only silence.  Exhaling, I run for my closet to pull on my 2 piece pajamas.  Stripping off my bra and underwear... I'm suddenly alerted to movement in the room.  Grabbing my pajama top, I try to cover myself, as I see Marcus standing in our room looking at my body.
  "What do you want?" I ask a little too aggressively.
  Taking his eyes off my breasts, Marcus replies, "Nothing.  I was just coming to check on you.  You didn't cook dinner, and the house was so quiet, I didn't know if you were home."  When do I ever go out, especially on a week night?
 
Where would I go?
  "Sorry about dinner.  I wasn't feeling well.  Do you want me to make you something?"
  "No.  We had a late meeting, so we had sandwiches around 4:30.  I'm good.  What's wrong?  You look terrible."
  "Nothing,"  I exhale.  I didn't even realize I had been holding my breath until then.
  "Okay... Well, when you want to apologize for this morning, and talk about what you said to me, come find me.  I'll be in my office, or in the spare room."  Turning, Marcus leaves the room without a backward glance. 
  I am absolutely stunned again.  Apologize?  Apologize for
what?
Telling him sex isn't that great?  Or that he kind of
assaulted
me while I slept?  Or apologize for not wanting him to see my naked
big thighs and butt
?  The list is endless...
  Quickly; I throw on my pajamas and run for the bathroom.  Looking at my reflection...
EW!
  I have mascara everywhere.  I look terrible.  No wonder Marcus asked me what was wrong even though he's mad at me. See, he
is
a nice man.  He cares for me.  He
does
care, at least.  Finally, I remove my smeared make-up, brush my teeth and go pee.  I'm still so tired even after my 7 plus hour
‘nap’
.
  Crawling into bed, I exhale again.  Why do I keep holding my breath? 
That’s
 new.  Laughing is new.  Leaving the office is new. Talking back to my husband is new.  Swearing
out loud
is new.  What’s going on with me?
Am I
actually
crazy now, no longer
becoming
crazy? 

                                      CHAPTER 3
 

   When I wake up, Marcus is already gon
e.  Somehow Marcus slipped into our bedroom and dressed in his walk-in closet without waking me, 
thank god.
  I can get up, dress and shower alone, in peace.  I don’t have to see his eyes of disapproval and disappointment.  I’m free of his judgments, well, at least
until this evening when he returns home.

 
Downstairs, I see his cereal bowl is in the sink and the coffee pot is half empty, which is somewhat comforting.  At least he isn't acting strangely.  He’s just ignoring me, which I expect. I always expect to be ignored when someone is mad at me.  I'm usually ignored regardless of what I’ve done.  Being ignored is how I’m most comfortable actually, because when you’re being ignored no one
ever
makes eye contact with you.

                                 ==========

  When I arrive at work, I'm nervous.  I don't really want to see Kayla.  I hated her seeing me freak out yesterday.  I hate people seeing me act up.  I like to be calm and controlled- 
Not
like yesterday.  Yesterday was just weird.  I've never laughed like that before in my life.  I think I lost 10 pounds laughing my ass off...
literally
.  
Oh, no
.  I feel a giggle bubbling up my throat.
  "Hey, Sweetie," Kayla says, making me jump as she follows me toward my office.  I push the giggle down deep. "How are you this morning?  You look better.  Did you and Marcus work it out last night?"
  "Yes.  We're good."  I lie.

 
I hate lying. I absolutely
never
lie because it’s just not worth the stress I feel after a lie, fearing whomever might find out the truth about me.  But Kayla can be ruthless when she's on a mission, so it's better to lie to her, just this once.
  Looking right in my eyes, Kayla smiles, "I'm sure you still need to talk to your 'Five minute man' about
some
things, but I'm glad you guys are working it out."  God, I
HATE
eye contact!

 
“Yes, we're working it out...”
with silence,
I mutter to myself.  Ugh, different topic needed.  "Did anything happen after I left yesterday?"
  "Nope.  I left your emails alone, because they had expense attachments, and your phone only rang a couple times.  I told Heinrick's Receptionist to email over his expense reports pronto, and I think I scared her a little. 
Oh well,
she'll learn.  Big Daddy Shields called down to talk to you, but when I told him you had to leave for the rest of the day, he said it wasn't an emergency, and he would talk to you when you return."

 
Oh no!
  Mr. Shields knows I left before lunch.  "Was he mad at me?  Did he sound mad, Kayla?!" I ask desperately.
  "No.  I told you he was fine.  He'll call you today." She’s looking at me strangely again.
  "What?" I ask defensively.
  "Nothing.  You just seem a little high-strung Sweetie.  Are you sure you're okay?  Do you need to spend more time away today?”

 
"No.  I'm good." I almost yell at her...
almost
.  Smiling to cover my intensity, "Kayla, thanks for your help yesterday, but I really need to start on these reports.  The math alone is a killer.  I'll see you later, okay?"
  "No problem.  I'll see you at lunch?" 
  "Ah,
no.
  I have to run a few errands, but I'll talk to you later?" I smile.
  "Alright,
later...
but Sweetie, if you want to talk I'm here, okay?  I won't repeat a confidence.  You can trust me, I promise."

 
As if I would trust anyone with my strange thinking patterns right now.  As if I would trust anyone about anything, anyway.

 
“Thank you Kayla, but I'm fine. 
Honestly..."
  Obviously convinced, Kayla smiles and leaves my office.

 
Sincerely, I love having Kayla in my corner, even if I don't totally trust or confide in her.  Kayla is awesome.  I wish I was as tough as Kayla. 

                                
         ==========

  T
urning on my computer, I check my emails.  Yes!  Another expense report completed.  Only two calls to make today.  Oh, no, not two... Kayla dealt with Heinrick.  Hopefully I get his report today.  That leaves only the Craig/Zinfandel expense report to figure out.
  Checking my inbox, I see an email from Mr. Zinfandel dated yesterday afternoon.  Opening the email, I’m so embarrassed, I blush like he’s actually here in front of me.  Who would have ever thought laughter could cause such stupidity in the workplace?
___________________________________
From:  Z. Zinfandel

Subject: Laughter

Tuesday, May, 23

2:10pm
Dear Ms. Sugar, Honey, Sweetie, Babe,
How are you this afternoon? 
After such an interesting name and introduction, I

find myself
wondering if you’re doing well.
Sincerely,

Mr. Zinfandel
(or just 'Z' for you
lushes
in Chicago.)
___________________________________
And there’s another yesterday.
    

___________________________________

From:  Z. Zinfandel

Subject:  Breathing

Tuesday, May 24

4:45pm
Dear Ms. Sugar...
I do hope your afternoon was better than your morning.
Please tell me you’re breathing easier.
Z
___________________________________
And another email this morning. 
What the hell?
___________________________________
From:  Z. Zinfandel

Subject:  Laughter and Breathing

Wednesday, May 25
th

8:02am
Dear Ms. Honey,
I do hope you put my mind at ease and respond to me this morning. 
I found myself thinking of you frequently last night.
Are you okay?
Z
___________________________________
Oh my god...
  Its 9:15 and already there’s another email.
___________________________________
From:  Z. Zinfandel

Subject:  Still waiting…

Wednesday, May 25

9:01am
Dear Ms. Sweetie,
If you do not reply in the next 15 minutes, I will be forced to call you.
Please reply to me.
Z
___________________________________
 
Jeez...
What the
hell
is his problem?  All I did was laugh.  Is he going to call Mr. Shields and report me for
laughing
yesterday?