I Am Forever (What Kills Me) (21 page)

He righted himself. “I heard about Doctor Femi,” he said.

I counted his words. The most I was getting these days was some small talk here and there.

“It was so close,” I said. “Another few seconds longer and she would’ve been killed.”

“Good that you were there.”

“You know me, I double as sunscreen.”

“Hmm.”

The tension was palpable. Our every move seemed magnified. A vein in his temple throbbed. His teeth ticked as he ground them. I raked my fingers through my hair and behind my ear. It released the smell of lavender from my shampoo.

“San and I are going to the training arena. Would you like to come?” I said.

One of his eyes twitched at the mention of San’s name. “No.”

“You sure?”

“Yes.”

San ambled into the room. “Swordsmith,” he said with a nod.

“War Page,” Lucas responded.

“Again, I am the Divine’s chaperone,” he said, tapping his chest with two fingers.

“Chaperone, manservant, whatever,” Lucas said as he left the room.

“Well, the swordsmith is in a talkative mood today,” San said.

When did Lucas decide that he no longer liked me? Was it the moment that he saw me draped in jewels and realized that I’m no longer that silly girl who needs rescuing? Was it when I decided to stay with the Monarchy?

Samira and Lucas broke up because she saw his affiliation with the Monarchy as counter to her values. And now Lucas probably felt the same about me. He hated this place and maybe he couldn’t separate me from it.

I didn’t blame him. But I didn’t agree. The Monarchy was fighting a war. I saw the images of death and chaos in the world. And I lived a life of order and peace at the palace.

I understood my role here. I knew that vampires were depending on me, and I was learning how I could protect them. By standing my ground and being strong.

He’s not worth your time, Ryka would say of any guy who didn’t return my affection.
Forget him.

But I waited all day to run into him, and every strained conversation that we had hurt me. I knew how much I cared about him because of how rejected I felt.

Meanwhile, San’s constant affection and devotion highlighted how I should be treated and made me feel foolish for chasing someone who didn’t want me. But though Lucas may have regarded San as competition or his replacement, I only saw him as a friend. I thought of San’s playful flirting as fun and nothing more. I thought it might make Lucas jealous enough to stay, but it only seemed to push him further away.

You’re a jerk, Zee. Making Lucas stay when he’s miserable. You make him miserable.
I saw the way everyone around here looked at him, with disdain or irritation. I wanted to scream at them, but how could I do so without embarrassing him? Even the maids avoided him. And as the bustle moved around him, with everyone devoted to a specific task, at times he looked lost. But when I tried to reach out to him, he pulled away.

To live forever without purpose would be intolerable,
San had said.
Why can’t I be Lucas’s purpose?

San interrupted my pity party. “I was hoping that we could watch
Terminator
again,” he said as we moved through the Acropolis. A vampire selling live white boa constrictors bowed to my left. He had them wrapped around his body as if he was a fork twirled with spaghetti.

“Which one? The first one?” I asked.

San loved movies. He watched them every day. “
Terminator Two
.”

“Hey, who would win in a fight: the robot in
Terminator Two
who turns to liquid—or her?” I said, aiming my thumb at the guard on my right.

“Oh, your guard. She’s terrifying.”

“I know, right?”

“I’m not sure who has more facial expressions though, your guards or the Terminator?”

I laughed and San grinned. “The world turns to gold when gods laugh,” he said.

More like the Monarchy imprisons their gods in gold when they misbehave.

As we approached the training area, swords clinked like wind chimes. San quickened his pace. He loved coming here now.

The soldiers sheathed their swords and fell to one knee on our arrival. “Please carry on,” San called with a wiggle of his hand.

The war master lumbered up to us. “I am honored by the Divine’s presence,” he said in his gruff warble.

“Thank you,” I said. “We’re here to pick up some bokkens.”

“Everything here belongs to the Divine,” he said.

“Thank you, War Master,” San said. “We can take it from here.” The war master sniffed and stomped away.

“You just love to antagonize him, don’t you,” I said.

“He stuck swords in my back. I think I’m entitled to aggravate him.”

“Fair enough.”

Amid the rows of fighters, one soldier was training by himself. I recognized him as the young man from the creation ritual. The blond hair. His pert, upturned nose. He made a beautiful vampire.

“Hey!” I said, jogging over to him. I noted that he had the use of both his hands.

He checked over his shoulder. “Uh...”

“I’m Axelia,” I said.

“You, you’re the Divine.”

“Yes. That’s what they keep telling me. What’s your name?”

“I—I am the Soldier Robert.”

“Nice to meet you, Robert.”

He held two swords crossed behind him so they looked like dragonfly wings. His shoulders began to rise so he pushed his chest out to compensate for his anxiety. I wondered if he had any friends. We were the two youngest vampires in existence. I figured we might have the most in common.

“How are you adjusting to vamp life?” I said.

“Uh, very well.”

“How do you feel?” I had so many questions. How did he meet Lady Bo? Why did he want to become a vampire? All chosen individuals had to consent to becoming immortal.

“Good.”

“It took me a while to get over the whole blood-drinking thing. But you get used to it.”

“I’m used to it now.”

“How’s the training going?” I asked. “You looked good.”

“Thank you—uh, I thank the Divine for the compliment. I enjoy the training immensely.”

“I’m training too. I’m still mastering the exercises that you were doing. May I?”

I put my hand out. He was reluctant but eventually placed a weapon in my palm. My guards shifted and eyed us as if we were children running with scissors.

I moved beside Robert. I raised the sword over my head and swung it down while taking a step forward. “This is what you were doing, right?” I said.

I repeated the move until Robert began to mirror me. The movement seemed to relax him. “The Divine’s technique is excellent. Her strikes are crisp and her blade stops exactly at the right height,” he said.

“Just halfway through my enemy’s skull, as my trainer San says. Actually, sometimes I pretend that I’m cutting a giant piece of cake. Man, I miss cake.” Robert snorted and I laughed. “Seriously though,” I continued, “don’t try to sneak any food. It’ll give you a wicked bellyache. I know. I’ve tried.”

“Okay.” After a pause, he added, “Sometimes I get cravings for burgers and fries.”

“Oh, me too. And poutine.”

“Poo-what?”

“Poutine. It’s a Canadian dish made with fries, gravy, and cheese.”

“That sounds delicious.”

“It is. And now, for the rest of eternity you’ll never get to try it.”

He must have been maybe twenty years old. I wondered if he’d been in university at the time. And if he missed his family as desperately as I did.
What is your story?

“The Divine is really awesome. If only I could get my strike as sharp and strong...”

I reached out and touched his arm. “It’s your wrist. You have to flick—”

A thunderclap rattled me. And another. It sounded like gunfire. I gripped Robert’s wrist for balance.
Oh no. I’m having a flashback.

I crunched sand between my molars and my vision glazed. I heard the buzz of a radio. Men yelling. Then I saw. A yellow cloud of dust. Through it a woman emerged. She reached for me, her eyes liquid copper. It was Bo.

I jerked away. My sword hit Robert’s blade, knocking it toward me. The tip lashed my cheek, fast and sharp like the snap of an elastic band. I slapped a hand over my face. Robert gasped and dropped his sword.

In seconds San was at my side. “My lady, are you okay? My lady?”

He swiped at his own face and looked for blood. Nothing.

My hand slid from my cheek.

“You’re not bleeding,” San said, his eyelids falling in relief. “The sword must have just grazed your skin.”

The war master was barking. He clamped a hand around Robert’s neck and flung him to the ground.

“Stop it,” I said angrily. “I’m fine. It was an accident.”

I was not fine. I was stunned and slightly off balance. I tried to slip past San to see Robert, but a soldier picked Robert up under his armpits and dragged him away. Our eyes met for a second. His chin dimpled and shuddered as he fought not to cry. Then he was gone.

“Where are they taking him?” I demanded.

The war master did not respond.

“San?”

“My lady, let’s leave.”

“No. I need to talk to Robert about what happened.”

“That can wait.”

Flustered, I stormed out of the arena, my guards struggling to keep their perimeter. I threaded through the crowds in the Acropolis and tried to sort out the confusion in my mind.

What was that? What kind of flashback was that? I…I was in the middle of a battle. I tasted dust and dirt in the back of my throat. And then I saw Bo.
It had been as powerful and as vivid as my previous flashbacks. But this couldn’t be a flashback. Because that memory was not mine. Was it a hallucination? Was I losing my mind?

San scolded himself all the way back to my room: “How could I have been so reckless as to leave you alone with the new soldier? And around swords!”

“You’re treating me as if I’m a three-year-old,” I protested.

He wasn’t listening. “How could I have left you around weapons?”

“Why doesn’t the Monarchy just destroy all of the pointy things in the palace like in
Sleeping Beauty
with the spinning wheels?” I said, exasperated.

“My lady, I swear that as your chaperone I will be more vigilant next—”

“San, could you please stop talking for a minute?” I stormed into my living room and pressed my palm against my forehead. I flopped onto a couch and slumped against the leather.

He cleared his throat. “I’m sorry, my lady. Are you all right? What happened back there?”

“I don’t know.”

“I was collecting swords and watching you and the soldier. You were laughing. Then you froze, just for a moment and—”

“Then I freaked out.”

“Yes.”

“I don’t know, San. I…I saw something.”

“Did you have another episode? A flashback?”

I hadn’t had another flashback since the one in Dr. Femi’s office. “It was something I’d never seen before.”

“What did you see?”

“This is going to sound crazy, but I saw Lady Bo.”

“In the arena?”

“Yes. No. In my mind.”

It was like a horrible daydream that was outside my control.

“Do you want me to ask the cleric to arrange some time with the doctor?” San asked.

“I don’t think Doctor Femi is in any condition to chat.”

“Well, what happened before the vision?”

“Nothing. I was joking around with Robert, telling him about poutine—”

“Poo-what?”

“It’s a food, never mind. Then I told him about his wrist technique, and all of a sudden...”

I had touched him. I had touched his wrist.
I popped up onto the edge of the seat. The hair lifted on my arms.

“What?” San dropped beside me. He leaned into me, like a child waiting to hear the end of a story. I reached over and grabbed his hand.

“My lady,” he said, trying to pull away.

“Just wait.”

“My lady, this is not permitted.”

I waited. For cries. For faces to materialize. But there was only the gurgle from the fountain in the other room. The tug of San’s hand. The nervous flutter of his incredibly long eye-lashes.