I Am Charlotte Simmons (21 page)
Read I Am Charlotte Simmons Online
Authors: Tom Wolfe
While Charlotte stared at
Blue-eyed Bondage
and seethed, Beverly changed clothes rapidly. Charlotte could hear her groaning and saying
Oh shit
and breathing hard. The room became brighter. Beverly must have turned on her vanity mirror. There was a waft of perfume.
Blue-eyed Bondage
and seethed, Beverly changed clothes rapidly. Charlotte could hear her groaning and saying
Oh shit
and breathing hard. The room became brighter. Beverly must have turned on her vanity mirror. There was a waft of perfume.
Presently Charlotte was aware that Beverly was standing just behind her.
“Well, Charlotte, bye-bye.”
Charlotte looked up. Beverly had done something amazing with her face. Mauve-purple shading and pencil liner and mascara or something made her eyes stand out like two big jewels. At the same time, she had somehow whitened the creases below the lower lids. Her lips were their natural color, but they glistened. Charlotte couldn't imagine how she had done it, but she looked
sexy
and, more than that,
provocative
. Erica was finally deigning to gaze upon Charlotte ⦠benevolently, the way you might bestow a moment's attention upon some deserving urchin.
sexy
and, more than that,
provocative
. Erica was finally deigning to gaze upon Charlotte ⦠benevolently, the way you might bestow a moment's attention upon some deserving urchin.
“Have a good time,” said Charlotte.
Tiiiime.
She said it without a trace of a smile or a note of goodwill. No doubt the resentment showed on her face.
She should have been cool about it, of course, and acted breezily congenial, but she couldn't begin to summon up the artful hypocrisy required to do it.
Tiiiime.
She said it without a trace of a smile or a note of goodwill. No doubt the resentment showed on her face.
She should have been cool about it, of course, and acted breezily congenial, but she couldn't begin to summon up the artful hypocrisy required to do it.
As the pair went through the door, Charlotte could see Erica leaning in toward Beverly's ear and moving her square jaws. No doubt she was whispering, “What's
her
problem?”
her
problem?”
After they had gone, Charlotte got up from the desk and headed back toward the window to catch them laughing at her expense as they went out into the courtyard. But why lacerate herself like that? She stopped and stood there in the middle of the room instead, staring at Beverly's vanity mirror, which was still on. Where were they going at this hour? Who would they see? Boys ⦠and what would Beverly talk to boys about? Her
ass
? Would she talk that same way to boys? And to think that one of the bonuses, supposedly, of being so brilliant as to be admitted to Dupont was that I, Charlotte Simmons, will now ascend forever above the cheap, sordid, vulgar milieu and aimless vices of the Regina Coxes and the Channing Reeveses. What exactly did Beverly expect to achieve with a cerise silk shirt open down to
there
?
ass
? Would she talk that same way to boys? And to think that one of the bonuses, supposedly, of being so brilliant as to be admitted to Dupont was that I, Charlotte Simmons, will now ascend forever above the cheap, sordid, vulgar milieu and aimless vices of the Regina Coxes and the Channing Reeveses. What exactly did Beverly expect to achieve with a cerise silk shirt open down to
there
?
Charlotte went over to Beverly's vanity mirror and studied her face under its hot little lights. Then she went to Beverly's closet and opened the door and studied herself in Beverly's full-length mirror. She wasn't merely smarter than Beverly, she was prettier. There was something emaciated about Beverly ⦠There was something ⦠sick ⦠about all of Beverly.
Charlotte returned to the desk and took another look at
Blue-eyed Bondage
. It was either that or contend with the juvenile noxiousness and pseudo-macho foul mouths of the privileged late-teenage American males in the courtyard below and the hallway outside ⦠and the bathroom down the hall.
Blue-eyed Bondage
. It was either that or contend with the juvenile noxiousness and pseudo-macho foul mouths of the privileged late-teenage American males in the courtyard below and the hallway outside ⦠and the bathroom down the hall.
Â
Â
Upside down she was, way down here, a band of light across the ceiling, and something had her by the shoulder, shaking it, shaking itâ
“Charlotte! Charlotte! Charlotte!” Barely above a whisper, but it wouldn't stop.
Charlotte turned her head toward it and tried to prop herself up on one elbow. A wall of light streamed through a crack in the doorway and backlit the thin, bony silhouette leaning over her.
“Charlotte! Wake up! Wake up! You gotta do me a favor!” The low, urgent voice of a close confidante. Beverly.
Charlotte managed to raise herself on both elbows. She groaned and tried to adjust her eyes to the light and make sense of things. “What time is it?”
Same low, intimate voice, as if they were the very closest of roommates: “Two, two-thirty, I don't know. It's not late. I need a big, big favor from you.” Billows of alcohol.
“I was sleeping,” said Charlotte. It was a complaint, but she realized it came out sounding like merely a foggy statement of the obvious.
“I know, and I'm really sorry, but you gotta help me just this one time, Charlotte.” Now Beverly was massaging her shoulder, the one she had just been shaking. “Just this
one time
,” she said. “I promise I'll never ask you again, I promise.” Her voice was so
urgent.
one time
,” she said. “I promise I'll never ask you again, I promise.” Her voice was so
urgent.
Charlotte remained propped up on her elbow, stupefied, hypnopompic. “One time ⦠what?”
The same hushed, urgent tone: “There's this guyâHarrisonâ
please
don't let me down. I really, really like him. Ever since we got hereâ
you
know what I mean, Charlotte!”
please
don't let me down. I really, really like him. Ever since we got hereâ
you
know what I mean, Charlotte!”
Beverly had sunk to her knees by the bed, so that her head was almost even with Charlotte's. Billows and billows of alcohol. Her eyes seemed enormous ⦠ablaze in the sockets of a skull. Charlotte turned away.
“Charlotte!”
Charlotte looked at her roommate again. The shaft of light from the hallway made her dizzy. It came from directly behind Beverly and created brilliant highlights on the shoulders of her silk shirt. The shirt was scarcely buttoned at all.
“I need to bring him up here. I really do. You've gotta, gotta,
gotta
help me out! How about sleeping somewhere else? Just this one time? I
promise
I'll never ask you to do this again.
Char
lotte!” Beverly closed her eyes, thrust her chin upward, stretching out her neck, brought her fists up beside her cheeks, and shook them in the vibrating gesture that is supposed to convey desperate supplication among chums.
gotta
help me out! How about sleeping somewhere else? Just this one time? I
promise
I'll never ask you to do this again.
Char
lotte!” Beverly closed her eyes, thrust her chin upward, stretching out her neck, brought her fists up beside her cheeks, and shook them in the vibrating gesture that is supposed to convey desperate supplication among chums.
Bewildered: “I have a
test
tomorrow!”
test
tomorrow!”
“You can sleep next door, in Joanne and Hillary's room! They have a futon.”
“How? I hardly even know them!”
“I
know them. They'll understand. People do it all the time.”
know them. They'll understand. People do it all the time.”
“I have a test! I need to sleep!”
Beverly turned her head aside and went
Unnhhhh!
in a way that made clear her astonishment that anyone on this earth could be so dense and uncooperative,
so ignorant of the most ordinary protocol. Then she looked Charlotte in the eye and, in a voice that indicated she was doing her very best to keep her temper in check, said to her, “Charlotte, listen to me. You're not gonna lose any sleep. You'll lie down on that futon, and you won't be awake three seconds.
Please
. Do I have to
beg
you? It's not a big thing. I gotta have the room. Come â¦
on
, Charlotte! Can't you do this one little thing for me? I'd do it for
you.”
Unnhhhh!
in a way that made clear her astonishment that anyone on this earth could be so dense and uncooperative,
so ignorant of the most ordinary protocol. Then she looked Charlotte in the eye and, in a voice that indicated she was doing her very best to keep her temper in check, said to her, “Charlotte, listen to me. You're not gonna lose any sleep. You'll lie down on that futon, and you won't be awake three seconds.
Please
. Do I have to
beg
you? It's not a big thing. I gotta have the room. Come â¦
on
, Charlotte! Can't you do this one little thing for me? I'd do it for
you.”
Charlotte could feel her willpower weakening. She was so groggy. Beverly was drunk, but she had somehow established the notion, by the
way
she put it rather than what she said, that to refuse such a request was to expose yourself as ignorant of the most elementary etiquetteâor else stubborn or even spiteful, a willful violator of the unwritten rules of life among college women.
way
she put it rather than what she said, that to refuse such a request was to expose yourself as ignorant of the most elementary etiquetteâor else stubborn or even spiteful, a willful violator of the unwritten rules of life among college women.
Charlotte pushed herself up to a sitting position. She knew she should say no, she knew there was no reason why she should give up a night's sleep on the eve of a test in a difficult course, give up her very bedâyet she heard herself saying, “Whose futon is it? I don't know either one of them.” With that, of course, she had already given in.
“Hillary's, I think,” said Beverly, rushing to reinforce her advantage. “Ask Hillary, but it won't matter. HillaryâJoanneâbut ask Hillary. They'll like totally understand, either one.”
Slowly, dizzily, and with the sinking feeling that she had just suffered a great defeat through sheer inability to stand her ground, Charlotte slid her legs off the bed, fished about for her slippers with her feet, and wriggled into her bathrobe.
“All you have to do is knock on the door,” said Beverly. “Hillary's like totally awesome, she's so great about everything. She'll do anything for anybody, she's so greatâ” The hushed words gushed out in a flood aimed at sweeping her wavering roommate right out the door.
Which they did. Without knowing how it happened, Charlotte found herself out in the hall, petrified at the thought of knocking on the door of somebody she barely knew at two-thirty or whatever it was in the morning. This Hillary had never struck Charlotte as the charitable type. She had a shrill voice and such an affected accent that Charlotte had thought she must be from England or something. In fact, she was from New York City, and about every time Charlotte had ever heard her say anything, she had worked the phrase “at St. Paul's” into the conversation. St. Paul's, Charlotte had deduced, was a boarding school much like Groton.
Charlotte stood there for a moment, trying to work up some courage and despising herself for being weak. Somewhere down the hall a monotonous, drawling rap CDâ“Yo', you take my testi-culls ⦠Suck 'em like a popsi-cull”ânot terribly loud but loud enough to hear out here in the hall. She looked this way and that, halfway expecting to see the boy, the one Beverly was so eager for. Instead, here came two boys and three girls, laughing as if fun couldn't get any more intense. One of the boys kept saying in a puton deep voice, “Your ego's writing checks your body can't cash, your ego's writing checks your body can't cash.” Laughter, laughter, laughter. When they saw Charlotte standing there, they grew quiet. As they came by, they looked her up and down. Bathrobe, full set of pajamas, snuggy slippers ⦠After they passed, one of the boys said, “Oh-kaaaayyyy,” and they all started laughing again.
The laughter, the mockery of that
Oh-kaaaayyyy
, struck Charlotte in her very solar plexus and invaded her body, her very neural pathways. She had just suffered a
catastrophic defeat
without fighting back. She had let herself be thrown out of her own bed, her own room, and that was all she had at the eminent Dupont, a bed in one half of a miserable room. All she had left now were the pajamas, slippers, and bathrobe she had on to cover her naked bodyâand somehow they made her an object of ridicule by total strangers. Charlotte Simmons! Her own name cried out inside her skull.
Nothing!
All that was â¦
Charlotte Simmons â¦
had been scoured out, and all that was left was this ⦠this ⦠this husk ⦠dead but too helpless to fall down the way it should ⦠it stands here to be mocked!
Utter defeat â¦
a feeling that immediately gave way to a desperate loneliness ⦠not mere emotion but a condition, an affliction ⦠Lethe! Oblivion! Not one soul to turn toâ
Oh-kaaaayyyy
, struck Charlotte in her very solar plexus and invaded her body, her very neural pathways. She had just suffered a
catastrophic defeat
without fighting back. She had let herself be thrown out of her own bed, her own room, and that was all she had at the eminent Dupont, a bed in one half of a miserable room. All she had left now were the pajamas, slippers, and bathrobe she had on to cover her naked bodyâand somehow they made her an object of ridicule by total strangers. Charlotte Simmons! Her own name cried out inside her skull.
Nothing!
All that was â¦
Charlotte Simmons â¦
had been scoured out, and all that was left was this ⦠this ⦠this husk ⦠dead but too helpless to fall down the way it should ⦠it stands here to be mocked!
Utter defeat â¦
a feeling that immediately gave way to a desperate loneliness ⦠not mere emotion but a condition, an affliction ⦠Lethe! Oblivion! Not one soul to turn toâ
âwhich left Hillary, next door, whom she didn't even know. She took a deep breath and approached the door of 514. She took another breath, hesitated, and then knocked. Nothing. She knocked harder. From within, a boy's voice said, apparently to somebody else in there, “Who the fuck is
that
?”
that
?”
Dismayâbut she didn't know what else to do. She put her mouth close to the door. Softly: “Hillary, Hillary.” Nothing. Whispery but much louder: “Hillary! Hillary!” Nothing. “It's Charlotte! From next door! Beverly's roommate! I needâ”
“Go away!”
That was Hillary. There was no mistaking that voice. She didn't sound like the awesome person Beverly had described, the one who would do anything for anybody, but what alternative was there? “Hillaryâplease, can Iâ”
“I said GO AWAY!”
The boy was saying, “Who the fuck is that?”
Charlotte couldn't believe it. She was stranded out in the hall, and she had a medieval history test in the morning. Crone was a very exacting professor. She had to get some
sleep
, but where?
sleep
, but where?
“Yo, take my johnson ⦠Knock it on some fox's box, my cock, sucker, I'm the fucker you forgot ⦔ The CD rapper droned on.
She abandoned 514 and stood in front of 512. Wait a minute. Two guys lived in 512. She moved on to 510. Two girls lived in there. She didn't even know their names. But what else was there to do? She knocked on the door. Nothing. Please, God! She knocked louder. She knocked still louder. Nothing. She turned the doorknob and pushed gently. The door wasn't locked. She pushed it open far enough to stick her head in. A slice of light entered the room. A girl groaned and turned over. There was a girl asleep on each bed, and there was one on a futon on the floor. Charlotte recognized her. It was Joanne, Hillary's roommate. Obviously Hillary had forced Joanne out the same way Beverly had forced
her
out. Charlotte was conscious of her heart rattling away in her rib cage. She was beside herself. She had a test in the morningâand no place to go, no place to sleep. She was stranded out in a hallway in her nightclothes at two-thirty a.m., all because somehow another girl's desire to bring a boy up to the room in the middle of the night took precedence over everything else.
her
out. Charlotte was conscious of her heart rattling away in her rib cage. She was beside herself. She had a test in the morningâand no place to go, no place to sleep. She was stranded out in a hallway in her nightclothes at two-thirty a.m., all because somehow another girl's desire to bring a boy up to the room in the middle of the night took precedence over everything else.
Where could she go to even get off her feet? The R.A., Ashley ⦠It was two-thirty, but that was what R.A.'s existed for, wasn't itâto help?
In the elevator on the way down, she tried to think of how she might put it, and the truth of the matter hit her. She could see Ashley's wild hair and the thong panties lying on the floor. What a naïve little child Ashley must have thought her to be! With the straightest of faces Ashley had led her to believe that there would be no alcohol in Edgerton, because that was the regulation. Sex? No problem, since “dormcest” was looked down upon. She had sent her on her way relieved and even more clueless than when she arrived. She could see Ashley holding forth with such aplomb that first day in the Common Room on the ground floor ⦠smiling so reassuringly at all her anxious young charges. She could see all the freshmen of Edgerton House, eager for the lowdown on life at Dupont, huddled together on the leather couches and chairs that had been shoved together in a great semicircle. Barely three weeks ago it was, and already that little show seemed so cynical. To ask Ashley about anything at this point would be a humiliation.
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