Hurt (33 page)

He lifts his head and looks into her eyes. Her gentle, loving, trusting eyes. Eyes that never once imagined him ripping her life apart, shattering her existence, hurting her beyond repair. He takes a breath and feels his world end. Feels
her
world end. Feels their love – their warm, passionate, all-consuming love – hover between them for one last moment, before being brutally snatched away. He stifles a sob of despair.

‘
Because, Lola, his family is you
.’

She remains horrifyingly still for several seconds, her expression unchanged, as if frozen in time. Then slowly, very slowly, she starts to back away.

Mathéo stumbles towards her, his jeans weighed down with sea water, shivering hard.

‘Dad? My – my dad? You’re – you’re saying
my dad
raped you?’ Her face is so white, so bleached with shock, he fears she might faint.

He takes a tentative step closer. ‘Lola, I swear, I will never tell anyone. But you were right, I had to tell you. You had to know, just in case he ever tried anything – did anything to you. I thought he must have to be gay, but now I just don’t know, I don’t understand—’

She lets out a small sound like a trapped animal and, wincing, takes another step back, beginning to heave, as if about to throw up. ‘You’re – you’re claiming my dad’s a – a rapist? A – a gay rapist?’

He stands there, witnessing her shock, feeling it permeate his own skin. ‘Lola, I wish— Oh God, I’m so sorry!’

‘You’re sick!’

‘Lola, listen—’

‘How could you even think such a thing!’ Clutching her stomach as if shot, she backs away still further, staring at him as if he were metamorphosing into some hideous kind of monster.

‘No. Lola, listen to me. It’s true. I would never lie about something like this. Lola, you
know
me!’

‘Oh God, you’ve gone crazy! You’re – you’re traumatized, you’re sick!’

He moves forward, reaching out for her, but she instantly shrinks back. ‘Lola, I saw him, as clearly as I see you now. There was never any doubt. He didn’t even try to hide his face—’

‘No!’ she screams suddenly, her voice louder than the gulls: a shrill, sharp shriek of despair. ‘Stop it, stop it, shut up right now! You’ve gone crazy, Mattie! Whatever happened, it’s fucked up your whole mind!’

‘Lola, I’m not crazy. It happened. It was Jerry. You have to know because you can’t go back home. I don’t know if he was on drugs or ill or – or has some condition, or what. But I do know he’s dangerous—’

‘No! This isn’t you, this can’t be you talking! Take it back, Mattie. Tell me – oh please God, this can’t be happening. You can’t have gone crazy. Please, Mattie . . . please tell me you’re just messing around!’

‘Lola, I can’t. Because I’m not. And you have to know. You can’t go back there, it’s not safe!’

‘Mattie . . .’ She has begun to sob, bending forward and hugging herself as if in agony. ‘Why would you do this? Why would you say something like this? Why, Mattie? Why? Why?’ She is screaming now, white-faced and petrified, tears coursing down her cheeks. ‘Do you hate me? Do you hate Dad? What the fuck are you trying to do to us?’

‘I hate your dad for what he did to me. But not
you
, Lola. Never you! I love you – you know that!’ He tries to move towards her, arm outstretched, but she continues to back away, like a wild animal poised to flee.

‘Then why are you doing this?’ she screams.

‘I had to tell you – you were going to go to the police! They would interrogate me. Obviously I’d have lied, but they’re trained to see through bullshit and my lies would immediately make them suspect I was covering for someone I knew! They would interrogate people close to me, including Jerry; including Perez, who saw me go off with Jerry that night. They would probably even find other witnesses who saw Jerry in the area that evening . . . Don’t you understand, Lola? If I hadn’t told you and you’d gone to the police, your dad would have ended up in prison!’

‘But it’s all a lie!’

‘It’s not a lie, Lola. I wish, I wish it was! You have no idea how much I wish—’

‘Look at me, then!’ she screams. ‘Look me in the eyes and tell me my father raped you!’

He holds her gaze. ‘Your father raped me, Lola—’ His voice breaks as her expression distorts into one of disgust and she backs away from him still further. How did he ever think, for one insane moment, that he could tell Lola the truth and not lose her? Even if the near-impossible happened, if she confronted Jerry and he confessed, how could she ever forgive
him
, Mathéo, for destroying the most important relationship in her life? That one person who had cared for her since she was a baby, had been by her side all these years, had fed her, brought her up, looked out for her, become her confidant, her best friend?

‘You know my dad would never hurt a fly!’ Lola shouts. ‘You know him! He loves you! He’s always been nice to you! How
could
you!’ She is crying so hard, she appears unable to draw breath; her lips are tinged violet. Tears course down her cheeks, dripping onto the jacket she hugs ever tighter round herself, as if it is a shield to protect her against his words. ‘And what about me? I trusted you. I
loved
you!’

‘Lola, I love you too!’ he shouts, his voice splintering. ‘That’s the only reason I’m telling you! I’ve been agonizing over this ever since it happened, but you finally made me realize – I couldn’t risk you getting hurt by my silence!’

‘You didn’t want me to get hurt?’ she yells back, sobbing wildly into the rising wind. ‘You’ve just destroyed everything between us, Mattie! You’ve just said the most hateful, disgusting, filthy thing anyone could possibly think of!’

‘But it’s true! Lola, you’ve got to believe me. You can’t go back, you mustn’t confront him – it could be dangerous!’

She stares at him, utterly aghast. ‘Of course I’m not going to confront him! Did you think for one second I’d ever consider these vile accusations? That I’d believe you before my own father?’

Fear, like an electric bolt, streaks through his veins. ‘Lola, no, you mustn’t go back! I’ll look after you, I’ll protect you, I’ll do anything to keep you safe, I
swear
!’

‘D’you think I’m stupid? I never want to see you again, Mattie! I can never forgive you! Oh God, oh God—’ She doubles forward suddenly, retching. When she straightens up, her face has taken on a ghostly, translucent look, as if she might suddenly disappear. ‘I just don’t understand . . .’ she half whispers. ‘Why would you do this? I trusted you. I trusted you more than anyone, Mattie!’ Her slim frame racked with sobs so violent they threaten to break her, she presses a fist to her mouth, turns and begins to move away.

He immediately follows her, tries to reach out for her.

‘
Don’t touch me!
’ She spins round and screams, a sharp cry of terror.

‘Lola, please!’ he shouts at her, tears choking him. ‘Don’t go! Don’t leave me! I never meant – I’ll take it back, I’ll take it all back—’

‘You can’t!’ she screams. ‘Don’t you see, Mathéo? Don’t you realize what you’ve done? You’ve accused my dad of the most horrific crime imaginable! How can you ever take that back? How can you ever make up for that? And you believe it – look at you! You
still
believe it!’

‘I believe in you, Lola! I believe in us! That’s all I care about—’

‘There
is
no us! There never was. Everything we had between us was a lie! You believed my dad was a rapist while – while making love to me? While pretending to love me?’

‘I never pretended, Lola. I swear on my life! I loved you from the moment we first met!’

She takes a deep, shuddering breath, pausing for a moment in her retreat. ‘How can that possibly be true?’ she asks more quietly now, her voice shaking with barely suppressed fury and pain. ‘If for some crazy reason you actually believe my dad raped you, you wouldn’t love me! How could anyone possibly love the daughter of a rapist – their rapist, their rapist’s own flesh and blood?’

‘Because you’re not your father!’

‘He’s my family! He’s my life! He created me, he brought me up, I share his genes – I’m a
part
of him!’

‘That doesn’t make you the same person!’

‘I am his daughter! If you’re deluded enough to believe he’s a rapist, do you believe he’s raped others?’

‘Oh God, Lola. I don’t know, but he could do it again! And I know you’re his daughter and he loves you, but there’s always the risk that he might do something – do something to you! Don’t you see, I
had
to warn you!’

She appears to stop breathing for a moment, then heaves in a lungful of air and lets out a swift, sharp cry.

‘Lola, I can help you through this. You’ve got to believe me. Whatever you father did, I love you just as much as before!’

‘Love?’ Lola screams. ‘You call this love? It was all a lie – every second of it, every shared moment, every time I ever touched you.
I hate you, Mathéo!
’

‘Lola, don’t, please!’ He heaves for breath, blinded by tears. ‘You don’t mean that.’

‘I do! I swear on my life. I wish I’d never met you. I wish you were
dead
!’ She sounds almost hysterical, as if being beaten, and continues stumbling back, further and further away from him, close to collapse.

‘No!’ he yells at her. ‘You don’t mean that. You don’t mean that, Lola. You don’t, you don’t!’

‘I do! I wish you’d killed yourself diving off that cliff. I wish you were dead, Mathéo Walsh! I wish you were dead, I wish you were dead!’

The pure, undiluted hatred in her voice hits him in the chest like a bullet. ‘No!’

Lola stands still and presses her hands to her face. A long moment passes. Neither of them has the strength to speak. Then Lola lowers her hands and takes several long, steadying breaths. ‘I’m going to pack and take the first flight home,’ she says, her voice trembling with shock and exhaustion. ‘I’ll be quick, but don’t come back to the house until I’ve gone.’

‘No—’

‘I mean it, Mathéo. If you follow me back to the house, I’ll tell Hugo and call the police. I swear.’

He shakes his head. ‘No,’ he tries to say again, but this time no sound comes out. Tears spill down his cheeks. He feels as if he is choking. He feels as if he is drowning.

She takes another step back, seems to hesitate, then a brutal sob shakes her whole body. ‘Goodbye, Mattie.’

He tries to follow her, but can’t seem to move. She is gone, running across the beach, back towards the house, swallowed up by the gathering gloom.

The strength leaves his legs completely and he drops to his knees on the wet sand, a puppet with its strings cut loose, useless, crumpled. ‘Lola!’ he hears himself yell. ‘Lola!’

As she disappears over the cliff-top, he slowly falls forward and begins to cry – harsh, ugly sobs ripping through his body, making him retch and heave.
You should have killed me, Jerry. You should have killed me. I would rather have died . . .

By the time he leaves the Brighton Aquatic Centre after the awards ceremony and all the press interviews, it is already dark. Perez and the rest of the team are heading for pizza up the road but, exhausted after the intensity of the competition, Mathéo declines their invitation, looking forward instead to getting back to the hotel and calling Lola to tell her the good news. As he waves goodbye to Perez and the others however, he is stopped in his tracks by the sight of a man pacing up and down, looking around anxiously.

‘Jerry?’ Mathéo feels his face break into a smile. ‘Jerry! What are you doing here? I thought you couldn’t come! Oh wow, this is such a great surprise! Where’s Lola?’

But Jerry barely raises his head. ‘Something’s happened. I need your help.’

He sets off down the road so fast that Mathéo, shocked into action, has to break into a jog to keep up. ‘What’s happened?’ he asks breathlessly, too stunned to think straight. ‘Is Lola OK?’

‘No. She slipped and fell.’

Fear courses through him as Jerry leads him down a side street, across a main road, then abruptly veers off between a gap in the trees and into the woods flanking the pavement. It is almost pitch black and they are both running now.

‘Is it serious?’ Mathéo gasps, momentarily imagining Lola unconscious, confused as to why Jerry would leave her side. ‘Did you call an ambulance? Is it on its way?’ But Jerry doesn’t reply.

After a few minutes they reach a clearing of rough shrubbery and dry, uneven ground. Jerry stops and turns round, and by the light of the moon, Mathéo sees his expression change. He looks . . . He looks almost excited.

‘Where’s – where’s Lola?’ Mathéo asks, his voice suddenly unsteady. There is something strange about Jerry – he appears tense and on edge; his expression is not one that Mathéo recognizes. He isn’t smiling, for a start; he appears to be grinding his teeth and his face glistens with sweat.

‘Jerry, are you OK?’ Mathéo takes a step towards him, and suddenly Jerry reaches out, resting his hand on Mathéo’s shoulder, making him jump.

‘Lola’s in London, at the school ball. I told her I was working tonight so it could be just you and me for a change. Finally!’ He is smiling. ‘You dived really well today, Mattie. I’m so proud of you.’

Mathéo opens his mouth in reply but finds himself unable to utter a sound. Is Jerry drunk?

‘Uh – thanks.’ With an awkward smile, he begins to move away, searching for the lights of cars from the road in the distance. ‘But if Lola’s not here, then what are we doing in the woods?’

‘I wanted to talk to you in private. Why the sudden rush?’ Jerry takes a step closer – so close in fact that Mathéo can feel wet breath on his cheek, recognize the smell of stale sweat mixed with weed. Jerry’s hand leaves Mathéo’s shoulder, sliding up his neck and cupping his cheek. ‘I brought you here so we could be alone. So I could congratulate you.’

Startled, Mathéo takes a step back, knocking Jerry’s hand away from his face. What the hell is the guy doing? Has Jerry gone mad?

‘Hey now.. .’ Jerry says softly, moving towards Mathéo and grabbing him by the wrist. ‘I just want to give my favourite young man a hug for a job well done!’