Hunter's Bride and A Mother's Wish (31 page)

He wasn't sure what he wanted her to say to that, but she just nodded. “I'm glad.” She clasped his hand briefly, then moved a step toward the door, into the patch of sunlight.

Something tightened inside him, making it impossible to speak. The words he'd said about his father echoed in his mind. Maybe it was true he'd never see his father as a hero again. But he couldn't help longing, no matter how foolish it was, that Sarah saw him that way.

 

She had to tell him. She couldn't. Sarah leaned against the paddock fence, watching Matt with her children. What was she going to do?

For a moment, when Matt had talked about loving his father in spite of his faults, she'd felt a spurt of hope. Maybe he was learning that sometimes love could break through his rigid expectations of people.

Things will never be the way they were before,
he'd said, and the words had shattered that fledgling hope. When he knew the truth about what Peter had done—well, he might be able to accept the fact that she hadn't known about it. But he wouldn't be able to forget. And if she asked him to compromise his beliefs, let Sanders off the hook to protect her family…

He wouldn't agree. He couldn't. And even if he did, things would never be the same between them.

Help me, Lord.
Her fingers tightened on the rough wooden plank until it bit into her skin.
I don't know what to do. How can I be honest with Matt and still protect my children from knowing what Peter did? How can I?

She took a breath, trying to clear her mind, trying to listen for God's guidance, but nothing came. Maybe that silence in itself was her answer. She couldn't.

“Mommy, look at me!” Ethan waved wildly as Matt led him past on the black-and-white pony.

Matt gently put Ethan's hand back on the reins. “You can't let go, or Dolly won't know what you want her to do. You're the rider, so you're the responsible one, okay?”

Ethan clutched the reins, nodding solemnly. “Okay. I'll remember.”

The scene caught her heart in a painful grip. Ethan was so like Peter in his manner. He needed the example a strong, honest man could provide to show him what it meant to be a man.

There was Jeffrey, arms draped over the lowest rail of the fence, waiting so patiently for it to be his turn. Jeffrey had blossomed under Matt's attention. He'd begun speaking for himself instead of letting Ethan talk for him. Jeffrey needed someone like Matt, too.

Why wasn't this meant to be, Lord? It seems so right.

She watched, not moving or speaking, while Matt took Jeffrey for his ride. Then, finally, it was Andi's turn. When Matt helped her little girl onto the big horse, tension gripped Sarah. It was so far to the ground. Surely that horse was too much for Andi.

But Matt was slow, confident, sure as he showed Andi how to hold the reins, how to cluck to the animal. Everything about him radiated competence. Andi was safe with him.

And as for Andi—when Jenny swung easily into the pony's saddle and the girls moved off at a walk side by side, Andi's face was suffused with so much joy that Sarah wanted to weep.

Matt's eyes never left the girls as he walked slowly across to lean on the fence next to her. “Looks like she was born to ride,” he said.

She swallowed the lump in her throat. “You've just made all her dreams come true.”

“Probably not all of them,” he said. He propped his elbows behind him on the fence, the movement stretching his shirt across his chest. His forearm brushed hers, sending a wave of warmth up her arm.

Jeffrey trotted up next to her. “Can I have another turn, Matt? Please?”

“We might be able to do that.” Matt reached through the fence to pick the boy up, swinging him into his arms and then setting him on the top rail of the fence. Jeffrey perched there, breathless and grinning at him.

Her throat tightened again. Jeffrey opened like a flower to the sun when Matt was around. Why hadn't she realized how much he needed a man's attention?

A father's attention. The words slipped into her mind and she had trouble ejecting them. Matt gave her glimpses of a different relationship—one where she didn't have to shoulder all the burdens. One where love and responsibility could be equally shared. But even if it weren't for the knowledge of Peter's misdeeds, weighing heavy on her heart, too many barriers existed to a serious relationship with Matt.

Matt would leave. That was the bottom line. He'd always intended to go back to his important job. And when he found out what an ethical dilemma his partnership with her had landed him in, he'd probably race to leave as soon as he could.

Matt nudged her with his elbow. “I want to talk with you about the real-estate investigation. Why don't I stop by after the kids are in bed?”

Panic surged through her. If they talked about his investigation of Sanders, she'd have to tell him. She should have told him already, but she couldn't. She hadn't figured out how.

“Tonight's not good for me.” She hoped her voice didn't sound as strangled as it felt. “Maybe tomorrow morning would be better.”

She felt Matt's gaze on her face, questioning, and kept her own focused firmly on the horses. If he asked what was so important she couldn't meet with him tonight, what would she say?

He shrugged finally. “Okay. Tomorrow morning.”

She should feel relieved, but she didn't. She'd only bought a few more hours in which to find a way to tell him about Peter. A few hours in which to enjoy the relationship that was doomed to end once she told him the truth.

A
mostly sleepless night spent in prayer had shown Sarah what she had to do, little though she might like it. She had to be honest with Matt. He was her partner, and he had a right to know what Peter had done and what Sanders demanded of them.

Matt would never agree to Sanders's terms. She knew that without even thinking about it.

She glanced around the small apartment that was so precious to her. She could hear the children's voices in the kitchen with the sitter, smell the potpourri she'd put in the Delft bowl on the mantel, see the love she'd poured into making this place a home. Once everyone in Caldwell Cove knew that her husband had traded the newspaper's integrity for money, what were the chances she could still call this home?

Please, Lord, let us find some way of making this work out. Let us find a resolution that—

She stopped, knowing what she wanted to pray. She wanted to ask that somehow she and Matt and the children could become a family.

She couldn't ask that. She couldn't even let herself dream it. Even if there were no problem with Sanders, a relationship between them had been doomed from the start. Matt's life was elsewhere. He hadn't deceived her about that. He'd never be content with this life, and she had to put her children's security first. There was no compromise that would make them both happy.

Enough. She forced herself to move toward the door into the office. Matt was there; she'd heard him arrive. She just had to stop agonizing about it and go in there and tell him.

Stomach churning, she opened the door and stepped through, feeling as if she walked knowingly into a nightmare.

“Good morning.” Matt looked up from his computer, a slow smile lighting his face as his gaze rested on her. “I thought maybe you were sleeping in this morning.”

“No, I just…I was running a little late.” It was the smile that hurt, she decided. The smile blindsided her with how much she'd grown to care for him.

Not just care. She'd better be honest with herself about that. She loved him.

She hadn't seen it coming. She'd thought she was safely armored against loving again. The children were her life now, and she didn't need anything else. But she loved him.

She took a deep breath. That couldn't make a difference in what she had to do. She had to tell him. “Matt, there's something I need to—”

“Take a look at this first.” He gestured to the computer screen. “I've found it.”

“Found what?” She went to his desk, leaning over his chair so she could read what was on the screen. Her hand brushed against his shoulder, and she snatched it back as if she'd been burned.

“Found the smoking gun.” Triumph laced Matt's voice. “I know what Sanders has been doing down at the end of the island. He's been buying up parcels of land under different names, so no one would get wise. And he's negotiating to sell the whole thing to a commercial cannery.”

“But…” Her mind whirled with the implications of that. “An outfit like that tried to come in a few years ago, and people made such a fuss that the town council blocked it. Nobody wanted a commercial outfit here, ruining the atmosphere and taking all the fish—that was the only thing the summer people and the islanders ever agreed on in their lives. How could Sanders hope to get it through now?”

“At a guess, he's got someone from the town council in his pocket. If he keeps it quiet until the permits have been granted, there won't be much anyone can do.”

She nodded slowly, thinking about her guess that Sanders had an informant at the county courthouse. That was certainly the way he operated. And if it were true—

“Do you have facts?” she asked abruptly. “Solid, verifiable evidence?”

Matt lifted an eyebrow. “Worried about being sued? Don't be. There's enough here to stop Sanders in his tracks without any fear of that.”

The implacable determination in his face chilled her. His was the face of a crusader. He wouldn't stop until he'd put every last fact on the front page.

“Matt, I want to tell you something.” She gripped the chair back, trying to find the words. “There's something you need to know.”

The tone of her voice must have penetrated his focus. He shifted away from the computer to face her, and his hand covered hers. “What is it? What's wrong?”

She could hardly bear the concern in his face. She had to tell him—now.

The office door swung open. Jason Sanders stepped in, looking from one to the other of them. Then he smiled. “I hope I'm not interrupting anything.”

The change in Matt vibrated through the air between them. In an instant he went from tender and caring to ready to battle.

“Not at all.” Matt's calm, businesslike tone didn't hide the intensity beneath from her. “What can we do for you?”

Nothing, she wanted to cry. Just leave, that's all, and let me deal with this in my own way.

Panic cut through her like a knife. Sanders had come for their capitulation. She'd run out of time to tell Matt. Now he'd learn the truth in the worst possible way.

Jason sauntered to the counter as if he owned the place. “Just thought you might have something to tell me today.”

“Tell you?” Matt's level brows lifted. “About what?” He leaned back in his chair, assuming a casual air he couldn't really be feeling, not when his evidence against Sanders spread across the computer screen in front of him.

Sanders glanced from Matt to her and back again. “I see your partner didn't confide in you.”

Her panic edged up a notch. “I haven't had time to talk with Matt about it yet. If you'd like to come back later—”

Matt swiveled his chair to look at her. “What's going on, Sarah? Talk to me about what?”

“Just a little deal I offered Sarah.” Sanders's tone spoke of his confidence that he would get what he wanted.

“You always have a deal to offer, Jason. Trouble is, they usually only benefit you. You haven't changed in twenty years.” The contempt in Matt's voice seemed to dent Sanders's assurance, and Sarah saw the flare of anger in his eyes.

“Matt, I don't think—” She put her hand warningly on his shoulder.

“Still the white knight riding to the rescue, aren't you, Caldwell? You'll find it simple to rescue Sarah, actually. All you have to do is drop this little investigation of yours.”

Matt's tension tightened his shoulders. “In exchange for what?”

The truth rolled toward Sarah like a boulder, flattening everything in its path.

“In exchange for my silence. Somehow I don't think Sarah wants the world to know that her late husband took payoffs to keep my business affairs out of the paper.” Sanders smiled. “Actually, I don't suppose you want it to come out either. It would reflect rather badly on the
Gazette.
Might even tarnish that fine reputation of yours, since you're a part owner.”

She wanted to close her eyes and shut out the look Matt gave her. But she couldn't.

“Sarah, is this true?”

She couldn't speak. She could only nod.

Matt looked at her steadily for a long moment. Then he turned away.

She wanted to cry out, to tell him she was sorry, to say she hadn't known. But what good would it do, even if she could find the words? Matt wouldn't give in to Sanders. She'd known that all along. Truth came first with Matt. He'd never deny that.

“Making that public will hurt you as much as it will us.” Matt's voice was icy.

Sanders shrugged. “If you print what you know, the sweetest deal I ever had is gone. Seems like a wash to me. I may as well take you down with me.”

Matt stood, planting his fists on the desk, so rigid he might have been a statue instead of a man. He'd reject Sanders's deal. And then he'd reject her. She'd lost whatever small chance their relationship had because she hadn't told him herself.

“All right. You have a deal.” Matt's words dropped into the silence, sending ripples through the room.

His agreement echoed in her mind. She couldn't believe it. Why would Matt give in?

“I'm glad we understand each other.” Sanders seemed to be enjoying this. “You wouldn't want people to lose respect for the hotshot television reporter, now would you?”

That wasn't why Matt had agreed. She knew that as clearly as if she could see right into his mind. Matt had given in, had compromised his most cherished beliefs, in order to protect her and her children.

She couldn't let him do it. Through the chaos in her thoughts, that one thing stood clear, shining like a beacon. She'd asked God to show her what was right, and God had done that in the clearest possible way. She couldn't let Matt be false to himself to help her. It would be the worst betrayal in the world.

“No.” Her sharp tone had both men turning to face her. “We won't do it.”

“Sarah—” Matt's tone was warning.

“What do you mean, you won't do it?” Sanders clearly didn't believe her.

“Just what I said.” She walked to the counter, hanging on to her composure with both hands. “We don't agree to your terms. We won't keep silent.”

Sanders looked as if she'd snatched away a promised treat. “I mean what I say. I'll make my dealings with your husband public. I won't have anything to lose.”

But I do. Despair threatened to overwhelm her. The respect of the community, her children's view of their father, maybe even the home she'd tried to build here. And she'd already lost Matt.

Do the right thing. She clung to the thought. She looked steadily at Sanders. “The story will be on the front page of tomorrow's paper. Including your deal with Peter.”

Fury darkened his face. For a moment she thought he'd threaten again. Then he spun and stalked out.

The slamming door seemed to break the strength that held her upright. She sagged against the counter. It was over.

No, it wasn't over, not yet. Pain ripped through her. Her children, her home…and Matt. The pain of letting him down cut the deepest. She turned slowly to face him.

“Matt, I want to explain—” The look in his eyes seemed to choke off her voice.

“Why didn't you tell me?” He ground the words out.

“I didn't know until yesterday. You have to believe that.”

He looked at her as if she were a stranger, and his square jaw was set in the way that denied compromise. “You knew about this yesterday, and you didn't trust me enough to tell me.”

“I tried. I wanted to. I just couldn't. Matt, please try to understand—”

He shook his head. “I have to go.” He strode quickly to the door. “Do what you want about tomorrow's issue, Sarah. It's up to you.” He was out the door before she could speak.

He had to go. Her heart shattered into pieces. He'd left the island before when his father hadn't lived up to his ideals. She'd just given him the perfect reason to leave again.

 

“But, Mommy, why does it have to be in the paper? It would hurt Daddy's feelings.” Andi looked small against her pillows. Sarah had found her still awake when she'd come wearily back into the apartment from the office after working late into the evening.

She stroked fine blond hair away from Andi's face. “Honey, I think Daddy would want us to tell the whole story now, even if it hurts.” The two boys had accepted the short version she'd told them, not realizing that this story could have an effect on their lives. But Andi couldn't be content with that.

“People will talk about it. They might say mean things about Daddy.” Andi's mouth trembled. “I don't want that to happen.”

“I know,” she said. “Neither do I.”

The headache that clamped around her temples throbbed, and she massaged her neck wearily. She'd worked for hours to reset the front page. For a time, she'd half thought Matt might come back to do his story.

Finally she'd given up and done it for him, using his notes. Matt wouldn't be back—she had to face that. It brought a fresh wave of pain.

“Listen, Andi.” She ought to be able to think of a way of explaining this that would satisfy her daughter. “If we don't put the story in the paper, then someone else will get away with doing something that's really wrong. We can't let that happen. That would be like helping that person do wrong.”

Andi's forehead wrinkled. “You mean, it's like what Matt said when I tried to cover up for Ethan and Jeffrey? He said it would hurt them more if I took the blame than if they owned up to it.”

Regret clutched her heart. “Yes, I guess it's like that. Matt was right.” About so many things.

“When's Matt coming back?” Andi wiggled restlessly against the pillow. “I want to see him.”

“I don't know when he's coming back, honey.” Maybe never. She should try to prepare the children for that possibility, however much it might lacerate her already-wounded heart.