[22 Dec. 1994. Mexico City]
If I can't find her here, at least let me restore
his
eyes to lossâ¦.
Dear Don,
Donald Donald it's all so clear I can see your house from here, so safensoundâI just spent my first day in her convent. Her
claustro
is a university now! ⦠how could I not think of you â¦
      no.
Don Wanton,
The weather is here, wish you were beautifulâ
How I wish you weren't.
      fuck.
Donald,
Excuse the scrawl, I may have to learn to write to you always with this left hand of darkness. But nevermind thatâI have slept in Juana's
bed!
at the hacienda in Panoayán. I'm friends now with the caretakers there, friends everyplace, the whole country especially here in this huge Mexico a city to walk anywhere at all hours of the night and find nothing but friends now that I have eyes to see ⦠spectres of kindness, friendly shapes circling in the gloom â¦
Dear Dear Donald, suddenly the work is going so splendidly it's clear to me now, there were so many things I couldn't understand, but
here
⦠her convent it's not a T-shirt shop mausoleum of maudlinity but a
real place
where people workâcafeterias a library, carpenters plumbers secretariesâthey said it would be closed a month but yesterday the gates were gaped and again today for Christmas parties. And maybe they're drunk the same two guards as before they don't care who gets in anymore. Even me.
I've been afraid to come here after the things I've seen done to herâyou'd call it Claustro-phobia, wouldn't youâbut this is a university for women's studies and
Sor Juana
studies! and four hundred thousand books Núñez will never get to censorâso let the bookswallower choke,
let them clog shut his gluttonthroat. And her chapel is a
theatre
nowâplays to make the Archbishop's worms turn putrid in his grave.
She is everywhere! Everywhere I turn. I am desperately happy here. Have you ever been? Can you understand what it means?
To me.
A wind I let blow unblockedâunstopped unstoppableâthrough the hole in my chest.
[23 Dec. 1994]
Estimado Profesor
,
I come to a convent and find a university. I come for her and get you. You are welcome at every one, but not hereâany university but this. You come here to me unbidden unwanted. Once I gave you power over me, now how do I get it back, dispel this spell I've cast? Let these letters conjure you like a voodoo doll that I can finally bury in the palustral ooze. My little salamander doll,
axolotl
âfin-tailed, feathergilled. Salamander do you breathe water or air or fire? Do you walk or crawl, or fly or dive? Where do you really live? What can you still see through those nictitating lids?
But oh I can give you back your eyes your second sight! lost potency of your squandered seed. When it's finally and completely over I'll bind these letters all in a bowâenwrap involve enfold, my little amphibian, and send them all to you. So you see yourself through my eyes
for a spell
. A privilege I promise you. Something special.
Then, you can bury them yourself. Bury you, bury us. In the rosegarden of your Euclidean showhome. Or maybe under the jacuzzi deck where we lay one whole night through, watching the stars spin slowly over us.
Remember us?
I want to be the one to give you back your eyes.
When it's too late.
Gentle Reader â¦
So how then shall I write thee? What will be the tone for the four hundred letters never sentâour lost correspondence. Did you know all but two of Juana's letters are lost? Out of
thousandsâ¦
. How could this happen? She wrote to everyone, constantlyâEurope's leading minds and they to her.
As I have you.
So shall I not play Héloïse to your Abelard? Let us in secrecy wed the epistolary to the apostolicâour scarlet inks swiftsped
    on wingbeats of systole and diastole
      coursing o'er the earth in the hearts
        sparrow chariot
Does it really matter now, Abelard, who is whose vesicle and is there such a vas differenz? Shall we not cut through the chaste?âas a Samurai slices through peasants, to test his edgeâbut this time we'll bury deep, so very deep, the hatchet's double-blade that it never never comes loose again.
[24 Dec. 1994]
Gentle Reader,
I can admit it now, Donald. Even to you. I have failed. Failed her, so utterly. There that wasn't so hard but can I make myself mail this to you? You told me so, didn't you. All along.
But you didn't tell me how it
would feel
.
All that's left me now is poetry ⦠to you. I lied. I didn't come to find her, can no longer hope for that. But what I didn't want, didn't expect to find was you. Here. Of all places, you, in all places. I wasn't ready yet. For this last cruelty.
I have looked for her in books, and museums and now this conventâin the patios, the corridors, the cells. Even in the kitchens. I do not find her. In the fountains, on the roof, in the stars.
I do not find her.
I go into her chapel ⦠where she must have prayed and raged ⦠a hundred shades of grey this place, so beautiful and dark and cool. And images of her all over, paintings centuries old a hall of mirrors reflecting her back to me in oils everywhere I turn I turn.
I do not find her.
I have lost the melody. The precious voice I always heard so clearly in my ears. As I wrote for her. Why has this been taken?âwhat does why matter now?
I have come to learn. To find her silence beautiful. Hear her absence with my eyes of wonder.
She stood hereâkneeled I know on this X marks the cross of nave and transept. Here on this icy floor where now I lay me down at last
before her altar beneath her dome my upturned faceârising up and up from out this open chest a mothgrey shade.
And echoing faint and thin, a little thread of melody ⦠one bow, one frayed string ⦠that I kindle, kindle, on the blue, curled excelsior of breath.
[26 Dec. 1994]
Gentle Reader,
I've made a new friend at convent camp! she's a friend of Guido-the-guard who found me, flaggedâjust fit to toe-tag by the chapel altar. She's a medical historian a doctor a Sor Juana scholar and so beautiful! So gentle with a scalpel she asks what did they put on my hand in the mountainsâno no in Panoayánâwas it a compress of spiderwebs? she thinks maybe it saved my armâand why isn't gangrene green?
She wouldn't let anyone take me to a hospital. I'm staying at her houseâ
Christmas almighty
, she won't let me go back to the hotelâ
una merry caridad
âand I lie in her bed afloat in a fever sailing on a gull's dream, wanting to believe. And she takes the most careful care of meâon San Jerónimo Street! yes the same as the convent, just down the next block. Across the Merced Canal, long gone now. Quiet calm and shadytreed ⦠a house in her family for over a century, except for her now, empty â¦
I know she too is desperately happy.
Her office is downstairs. Her patience her virtue her patients are women from the Claustro mostly. She laughs calls it the convent infirmary. Treating Sor Juanitis has become a medical specialty with me, and laughs at this because she needs to. So badly. I know she is lonely, lonelier even than me, Gentle Reader, lonely maybe as you.
We've talked for two days straight about
everything
. Her name isâno I won't share her, not with you. Call her âS.'
But don't be hurt I won't tell S about you either. Fair's fairâfor you are my voodoo doll my Gregory my volcanic godling of sticky seed, not hers.
[27 Dec. 1994]
Gentle Reader
Last night S and I watched the notorious lesbian film on Sor Juana
Y yo la peor de todas
â
in her bedroom. S insists I, B, open my mind to what film
could
be. And she is amazed and so kind at the same time I don't
know the documentaries of Studio Dâwhat? how can I not know these Canadian women filmmakers with the NFB? Never heard of them. But how can that be?ânot even
The Burning Times
, bewitching witchhunt trilogy? But S still has no idea how ignorant B can be.
We have a copy in our library, B we
must
watch it together soon. I have watched it a dozen times. The witch hunts, the trials. If women working together can take back literature, then why not film as they do? Okay why not I say and we're talking about writing a screenplayâI've started it for her in my head
I think I could start writing again. I've
lost the music but I can still
see /
can read the score of the Limping KingsâHorus Quetzalcóatl Oedipus Achillesâthorns in their paws, nails through their feet.
Maneating savagery for S and B to capture for the first time on film. For Mutual Life of Omega.
She is working on a film projectâthe story of plague told through the lives of history's great women. She's asked me to work with her she teaches me about film and I talk and talk like never in years ⦠about myths and Nietzsche my favourite comedian.
Amor fata!
âlove your fate, he cries on his pale lips of a ravished bride. I want to make her love him as I doâhow he hates stodgy Plato for making the ideal realer than real, whiter than white.
Are we God's greatest mistake or is God ours?
asks funnyFreddy. Of course we mean Nature not God but the joke is still on us. We are the vacuum Nature abhors. An ice age in the flesh. And O how we spread.
Next B asks S then whomâHume?âdo we blame for making abstractions
un
real? As if the contendings of image and word / mind and heartâwarring twins LadyLord 2âsevered at the ankle at birth weren't
real
, just true.
But alright S if the Fifth Sun must end with the apocalypse of the disembodied image victoriousâhail, winged victory Nike!âthen let our swan song, our last horror flick go beyond film's brute dumbshow to a new hieroglyphics: the codex of our nemesisâjust us, S and Bâknit ourselves a mail of pure abstractions, filmically.
We'll make the filmglyph for Progress, let's see ⦠the razed forest. For Hubris, the golf tee. For Duplicity, the slave ship. A g-string for Victory. Accidiaâthe parabolic antenna.
And for the most abstract and ethereal Purity, a gaspowered shower.
So much much more than symbols, these are the shapes of abstractions in the flesh.
[28 Dec. 1994]
Gentle Reader,
Better much better today. Strong enough to stand, walk a short way. Ring around the block, down to the convent. Help S a little around the house. She's telling me about all the incarnations the Claustro's taken since the Revolution. When they ransacked Old Mexico's convents and closed them down. One by one.
Her convent as stable. Military hospital. Mechanic's shop. Discotheque.
Once two artists took it over, made a huge studio. Gave themselves Aztec names. Dr. Atl and Nahui OllinâDoctor Water and the Fifth Sun. Across the street from her convent there's a fashion boutique now, called Vanidades. Next to that in a building as old as the Inquisition is an auto museum sponsored by Nissan.
Auto-da-fé
that restores your faith in Technology, with power steering power brakes, cataclysmic inverters. A friend here taught me if you can't learn to laugh this place will kill you. Quick. I'm trying to learn this.
I already know I will not find her, but here her absence is piled in every stone. So let it be her absence that keeps me company. How will I learn this? this art, extremely wellâ¦. And how can I explain, even to myself?âthe pain of being here in her convent truly helps. Consoling contradiction in defeat that is this place. It's real, there is such a lot of wood here in the buildings, more than I would have thoughtâ¦. It's not all cold stone ⦠rafters sweet-oiled and warm. Late afternoons ⦠flap of doves in the patio like the snap of wet sheets â¦
certain slants of light
⦠scarred gangster cats sunning themselves, rat hunters coddled by the cafeteria cooks.
How I love to just sit, sun on my shoulders, stare through the heat ⦠at the craticulas most especially, how I love this word for the mossy slits the nuns confessed throughâto the crackpressed faces of tentfrocked priests. Their sad priapic parody of a smocked maternity.
Today a group of young musicians is practising in the courtyard. Their laughter as one of them tries to teach the others a song on a kind of guitar. They smile at me as I pass. Foreigners come here all the time. From all over the world. Here they have a name for my disease.
Sor Juanitis.
The cooks are trying to make a pet of me. The way you train a bird to come to your hand. A trail of crumbs and sweets and cordials â¦
tamarind, beet, prickly pear. Ladies so simple so bawdy and ribald. Where's the harm? Oh I know but let myself forget for a while.