How To Succeed in Evil (23 page)

Gus hooks his thumbs in his belt. He looks Excelsior right in the eye. “Somewhere, somebody’s got a plan. There’s probably a bunch of real smart assholes with soft hands thinking on it day and night. I bet you it’s real complicated and expensive as well. Me, I don’t like to think so much. So you get outta line and I’m just gonna whup you silly.”

Excelsior smiles at the cocksure man. But his laughter trickles off when he realized Gus isn’t laughing with him. There is no way on Earth that Gus could beat him in a fight. He’s old. Older than dirt. And he’s only human after all. Then why is Excelsior uncomfortable? Why does he look away first?

Chapter Thirty-Eight 

A Giant Illusion in SPACE

The desert doesn’t care. There are many climates that seem to go out of their way to support and encourage life. But not the desert. If you can hack it, then fine, you can stay. Otherwise, out, out brief candle, this way to dusty death. The desert just doesn’t care.

Maybe that’s why mystics of all shape and size have sought out the barren places of the world. In the desert, there’s no place to hide from the light. A metaphor, there is no place to hide from the truth? But then why do madmen feel at home in the desert’s harsh environs? Maybe there is no truth? Maybe there is only predictably shifting deception. The creep of shadow across dry and rocky ground as the sun transits the sky.

But whatever the case, it is a fact that in this particular piece of desert, workmen are putting finishing touches on a very lovely house. It is white, two stories tall and gives the appearance of having plenty of room for Mom, Dad, Junior, Sis, Baby and Spot. More than enough room in fact. Because the entire family is out on the lawn. They are two-dimensional cut outs. Even the dog.

For this very special occasion, Dr. Loeb has adopted a costume of a lab coat and thick, elbow-length rubber gloves. He rushes about frantically, sweating and shouting orders that everyone ignores. In his mind, Dr. Loeb is the lynchpin which holds this entire enterprise together. Like the two-dimensional dog on the spray painted lawn, it is a poor fantasy. But then, a hint of power is all that Dr. Loeb needs to keep him going. His clock isn’t very accurate, but it’s easy to wind.

“What is ZISS!” he screams, pointing to a rock that has been spray painted green instead of being cleared from the Simulated Lawn Area (SLA). “Haf I not TOLD you! Wirklichkeitstreue! Realism! Realizm in everysing.”

The workmen ignore the tantrum. Like the heat and the dust, Dr. Loeb is just another inconvenience on this job site. A man in white overalls, gets sick of listening to Dr. Loeb. He walks over and removes the rock from the lawn. “Sorry, Doc,” he says.

Dr. Loeb yells after him, “And well you should be! Be thankful I do not haved killing you!” It is so hard finding quality henchmen these days, thinks Dr. Loeb. Then he stomps off to the blockhouse.

As Loeb enters the relative cool of the observation post, he snaps at one of the technicians. “Zou! Are zou monitorifing those clouds on the horifzon? Vill they intervere vith our test viring?”

The actor at the console turns around and looks at Dr. Loeb as if he’s insane. Which, of course, he is. But before the actor can say anything, Edwin emerges from the cool darkness. “High cirrus. Nothing more than ice crystals that have lost their way in the upper atmosphere, Dr. Loeb. They will not interfere with the test of your satellite.”

“Lazeradicator!”

“Lazeradicator, my mistake.”

Of course the clouds will not affect the “satellite” test. There is no satellite. Hidden within the target house is a compact array of pyrotechnics equipment. When the theatrically large red button on the command console is pressed a flash of light will erupt upward, followed by an explosive fireball. As light moves too fast for the naked eye to detect its progress, it will appear to all the world and, most importantly, to Dr. Loeb, that the test house has been vaporized by an impossibly powerful laser beam from space.

In the corner, another actor stares at two sine waves interacting at random on an oscilloscope. It’s beginning to hurt his eyes. The sign above his station reads ‘Telemetry.’ Dr. Loeb is drawn to the flickering green light on the screen. He stares at the interplay of the squiggly lines and pretends to know what they mean. Doctor Loeb slaps his hands together and cries “Excellent. You are doing excellent work.”

“Dr. Loeb, we have prepared a viewing chamber for you upstairs,” Edwin says, trying to corral the child into his playpen. Just then, a rumble, very much, but not exactly, like thunder, reverberates through the blockhouse. Edwin thinks that the explosion has been triggered prematurely, but through the reinforced glass he can see that the house is still there.

“You zee!” Dr Loeb cries, “Details. DETAILS! You have overlooked ze storm! I vill have you executed!” He slaps the man at the oscilloscope in the back of the head and hurries out of the blockhouse. Edwin looks to a man who is watching weather radar on yet another computer screen.

“I don’t know what he is talking about. Radar’s clear.”

Outside, Dr. Loeb spins in frantic circles as he scans the horizon “Vere is the weather? Vere is the weather?” Edwin raises his eyes to the sky and sees a man descending from the sky, cape fluttering lightly in the wind.

“Excelsior,” Dr. Loeb cries with perverse glee. “He has come to thwart my evil plan!”

How very odd, Edwin thinks, that Excelsior should pay a visit to the one client of his that he can be certain has broken no laws. Edwin meets the hero’s approach with a calm and level gaze.

“Edwin Windsor,” Excelsior says. It is not a question.

“MANFUL COMBAT!” Dr. Loeb cries as he flings himself at Excelsior’s waist. Excelsior ignores him.

“I’m here to stop you Mr. Windsor.” Excelsior says in his most official hero voice.

“Stop me from doing what, exactly?”

“YOU WILL NEVER DEFEAT ME!” shrieks Dr. Loeb, slapping Excelsior’s legs repeatedly with his rubber gloves.

The somewhat obscene slapping noise disturbs Excelsior. “Uh, what is this guy?” he asks

“I’m sorry. He’s harmless. Just try to ignore him,” says Edwin. Excelsior does his best to tear his attention away from the spectacle clawing at his knees.

“It’s the Cromoglodon. He needs to be stopped,” says Excelsior.

“I’m not sure what this has to do with me,” says Edwin.

“LOOK YA LITTLE FREAK, KNOCK IT OFF!” Excelsior yells so loud that it rattles the triple-paned windows in the blockhouse.

But Dr. Loeb is a game little rooster. “I will DEFEAT YOU,” he cries as he redoubles his assault. Such as it is. Excelsior backhands Dr. Loeb the length of a football field. Dr. Loeb lies in the dust and moans quietly to himself.

“Thank you,” says Edwin. “You were saying about the Cromoglodon?”

“We know you control him Mr. Windsor. We’ve spoken with Apedis. This needs to be stopped. You need to stop him. Or I will.”

“You are mistaken, I control no one. And I am not certain that he can be controlled.”

“This is a courtesy visit Mr. Windsor.”

“Oh, courtesy, of course. Can I offer you some refreshment?”

“I’m not joking.”

“Neither am I. We have lemonade and a light lunch in the blockhouse.”

“Do you know who I am?” asks Excelsior. “Do you know what I can do?”

“I know who you are. I know all you can do is what you are told.”

“What?”

“Was it your idea to come here? To talk to me like this?”

“Well, no, but after conferring with—” Excelsior stammers, trying to think of something to say. Of course Edwin speaks the truth of it. It was all true. The last thing that Excelsior wanted to do is come to the desert and talk. But Gus had made him. He had said it was time to fire a shot over Edwin’s bow.

“So, after being told to come here,” Edwin continues.

“It’s not like that.”

“Really?” says Edwin, unblinking in the bright desert sun, “You really wouldn’t rather be pounding away at the Cromoglodon right now. Perhaps standing over him brandishing a piece of reinforced concrete with which to knock him unconscious, or batter the life out of him for once and for all.”

“I’m not a killer.”

“No, you are not. You are hardly a moral agent at all.”

“I don’t even know what that means.”

“You are a puppet. A puppet who is not even aware of his own strings.”

Excelsior gets hot behind the eyes. He is sick of this. Sick of being called a puppet. And deep down, sick of it being true. But this is the only way he knows to live life. Even the thought of change terrifies him.

Fear wells up in Edwin. He wonders if he has gone too far, but his iron reason keeps a grip on his fear. This is the gambit. It must be played. And if he fails, there is no point in running or cowering.

Dr. Loeb finds his second wind. “YOU CANNOT STOP ME!” He cries as he claws to his feet. His thick rubber gloves smear through the desert earth like newt pads and runs inside the blockhouse. The tension is broken.

Excelsior watches Dr. Loeb go. “He’s insane, right?”

“Yes.” Edwin decides to try another tack. “You must be tired of having your life run by other people? Why should you possibly care that the Cromoglodon chooses to wear a particular brand of clothes? How does he harm anyone by doing that? It should be nothing to you when compared to the destruction and lives lost. Yet you are concerned with the welfare of a company. Clearly you are not a hero. You are something else. What are you?”

“I am a hero. I am THE hero.”

“And who has convinced you of that?”

“What are you talking about? It’s true!”

“Truth,” Edwin says with disdain, “is easily manufactured. Let me ask another way. Are there any choices you make that are your own?”

“Yeah, I—” and here Excelsior is interrupted by a strange feeling.

“I cannot sympathize with you, because you’re not a person. You’re a thing. An instrument. A tool driven around by ideas not your own.”

“You don’t know,” Excelsior says in something very like the voice of a five year old child. But he can think of nothing else to say. How does Edwin know?

“Who sent you here? Who is your controller?” As soon as he says it, Edwin realizes this is the wrong question to ask. It cannot be a singular person. It has to be a committee. Only a committee, bought and paid for by powerful people, could be this stupid.

Before Excelsior can respond there is a flash of light and the house behind them explodes. As debris rains down around them, Edwin calmly steps into the lee of the blockhouse and waits for the ringing in his ears to subside. Excelsior follows him and kept talking. Edwin understands none of it.

When his hearing returns, the first thing Edwin hears is Dr. Loeb. “MY LAZERADICATOR is a SUCCESS! My lovely all-powerful satellite in the sky!” Dr. Loeb stands with his hands on his hips and gloats over the destruction he believes his satellite-mounted laser had wrought.

Excelsior says, “I see your game Windsor. A Giant Laser in space eh? We’ll see about that.” There is a rush of air and a tremendous boom. Excelsior is gone.

He’s back in an instant. He’s holds a cylindrical satellite that has TELSAR IX painted on the side. “Now I’ve stopped you Windsor. Just like I’m going to stop the Cromoglodon.” Excelsior crushes the satellite with his palms until it is no larger than a softball.

“NOOOOOOOO!” howls Dr. Loeb. He collapses upon the earth and works dirt into his scalp.

Confident in his victory, Excelsior flies off at a leisurely pace.

Edwin taps the hunk of aluminum with his foot. Undoubtedly, some meth addict in Nebraska is now bemoaning the loss of his satellite television signal, but Edwin fails to see how that harms him in any way. Edwin can think of no better way to cement the illusion of a non-existent satellite in Dr. Loeb’s mind than the absurd farce that has just played out. Edwin steps back as the little man rushes over and clutches the destroyed satellite to his chest and sobs.

“Don’t worry Herr Doctor. We will rebuild. We will make it better,” Edwin says. And this time, Edwin thinks, I will charge you more.

Chapter Thirty-Nine 

Somewhere Over Kansas

As Excelsior flies East he is enveloped in high cumulonimbus clouds making their way across the prairie. Below him there might be rain showers or hail or tornados, but this altitude is fraught with staggering amounts of beauty. He checks his speed so he can enjoy his progress between the towering columns of water and the magnificent pillars of light that seem to hold up the sky. If this was a movie, music would be playing.

The lack of a film score does not trouble Excelsior. The song of victory thunders in his heart and the wind applauds in his ears. He feels at home. He is on an equal footing with the elements, and need not disguise his power. He isn’t going to accidently tear a layer off the atmosphere. Even if he flies through a cloud, the hole will repair itself. Here in the sky, everything is right with Excelsior.

Then, the whispers start. At first, they’re so soft, he can’t understand them. The rolling tympani and soaring strings in his heart are not overpowered, but they are tainted. Tainted by words. Somewhere over Kansas, he begins to question his victory. The whispers of doubt grow louder and louder.

“Puppet.”

“Moral Agent.”

“Hero.”

“Control.”

Excelsior stops. He realizes that the words’ haunting him are in Edwin’s voice. He pieces them into the conversation he has just had. He doesn’t like the things that Edwin said. Edwin made him feel stupid. Excelsior knows he’s not the brightest guy. That’s okay. But he doesn’t like feeling stupid. And he doesn’t like feeling that Edwin is right.

And Edwin is right.

Excelsior can’t remember the last time he took matters into his own hands. The last time he’d made a decision that really mattered. And he certainly can’t remember making a decision against Gus’ wishes. He loves the old man. On some level, he feels guilty that Gus has gotten older while he has remained young. He tries not to think about the day when Gus is going to die, but when he hears that cough rattling through the old man’s chest like a pile of dead leaves blowing across concrete…

Excelsior looks at the clouds for a long time. He tries to come up with a name for what he’s feeling. Eventually, he gives up and keeps flying. He decides he will ask Gus about it. He is sure to be in a good mood. Not only has Excelsior delivered the message to Edwin, but he has managed to take out a dangerous space-based laser weapon at the same time. Pretty good day’s work, thinks Excelsior.