How To Save The World: An Alien Comedy (48 page)

Apart from the whole ‘I’m only here to wipe out your entire species’ thing, obviously.  He wasn’t going to be honest about that, obviously.  All things considered it was probably best that he didn’t mention that small detail.  Telling Elskar about his true purpose on Fem probably wasn’t the best strategy for a successful date.  But apart from the fact that he was only there to wipe out the entire Femling population, Eric was going to be totally honest from now on.

And that honesty was even going to extend to his behaviour.  Even his body language.  So that was why he decided to turn up five minutes early.  Turning up a few minutes late would give out the vibe that he was canny chilled about meeting up with Elskar and he most definitely wasn’t canny chilled.  He wasn’t even slightly chilled.  He was extremely excited about it.  And a little bit nervous.  And turning up five minutes early gave out the vibe that you were excited to be there and that the date was important to you, so that was why he decided to turn up five minutes early.  To ensure his behaviour conveyed an honest representation of his feelings.

He had even considered turning up ten minutes early but rejected this idea on the grounds that it would give out the vibe that you were a bit sad and needy and didn’t have much of a life if you could afford to waste ten minutes just waiting around.  So he eventually decided upon five minutes.

He found a seat upstairs as agreed, then sat perusing the menu for a few minutes.  Truth be told it was all a bit too posh for his liking.  It was the type of restaurant where they didn’t just serve normal food.  Every meal had to have a fancy twist to it.  Like some fancy sauce.  Or a fancy side-plate.  Or when a normal meal did appear on the menu they couldn’t just call it by its normal name.  They had to spruce the name up.  For example, they couldn’t just call chops, chops.  They had to call them ‘a sizzling trio of slow-cooked bemus
[91]
chops, served in a mouth-watering black pepper sauce.’

Eric had nothing against restaurants like this, other than the price, but it wasn’t somewhere he would normally eat.  But obviously if it meant hanging out with Sveltish Indie Chick he would eat anywhere.  Even somewhere as expensive as Mango Restaurant.

By five past eight Elskar still hadn’t turned up, however, which Eric was a bit disappointed about.  If she was turning up fashionably late then that meant she was pretty chilled about the date, and not as excited as Eric, which he was disappointed about.  Or maybe she
was
as excited as Eric, but wanted to act like she was chilled, even though she was actually excited.  This wasn’t ideal either as Eric found it difficult enough trying to read the vibes of lasses with honest body language, so having to translate the vibes from a lass with fake body language into her actual true sentiments was going to be even harder.  But nevertheless, fake chilled vibes were still a more preferable option than her not being that fussed about the date.

After a few more minutes a waiter asked him if he was ready to order yet, and although Eric was feeling quite hungry he nevertheless managed to send him away for a few more minutes, to wait for Elskar to turn up.

By quarter past eight though, Eric was starting to get really hungry and was really tempted to order himself a starter.  He realised though that this wasn’t the etiquette you were supposed to follow when you were meeting a lass for your first official date, and it would make him look like a total fool if she turned up and he was already tucking into his food.  But after another couple of minutes he started to weigh up in his mind what was the most undesirable option between looking like a fool or being hungry, and decided that he could handle being a fool with a satisfied stomach more than he could handle being a hungry non-fool, so he decided to order.  After perusing the menu more closely though, and more specifically the prices, Eric decided that he wasn’t that hungry after all, and he’d skip the starter and just stick to a main course once Elskar finally showed up.

But then after another five minutes Elskar still hadn’t arrived.  And then after a further five minutes Eric started to tentatively contemplate something that he really hoped he was wrong about.  But then after another five minutes he finally gave in to common sense and acknowledged what he had already suspected.

Elskar wasn’t going to turn up.

She was half an hour late.  There’s ‘fashionably late’ and there’s ‘not turning up at all’ and this was clearly the latter.

‘Gutter,’ he thought to himself.  Being bombed out would normally merit an exclamation mark on his ‘gutter’ but he liked Sveltish Indie Chick so much that being bombed out by her had completely knocked the stuffing out of him so much that he couldn’t even muster the enthusiasm for an exclamation mark.  ‘Total gutter,’ he added to himself, and that was the total extent of the limit of what he could manage to exclaim.  The emotional pendulum that had been swinging all over the place so far that day had now swung in the direction of utter dejectedness.

So it was all he could do to get up from his seat and head out of Mango Restaurant.  This attracted the attention of the same waiter who had tried to serve him earlier, and he rushed up behind Eric.

“Sir, did you wish to order now?” the waiter inquired.

Eric looked down at his feet, then back into the restaurant, then down at his feet once again, before looking up at the waiter.  “Clearly not,” Eric observed.

“Sir, you can’t just take a seat for half an hour and then leave without ordering,” the waiter commented.

Eric looked back into the restaurant once again, then down at his feet, then back into the restaurant for a final time, before looking at the waiter once again.  “Well I clearly just have, like,” he pointed out.  “So I clearly can.  So you’re clearly wrong.”

The waiter wasn’t sure what to say to this so Eric headed off up the street without further comment from the waiter.

‘Ar, total gutter!’ Eric thought to himself.  By now enough of his emotions had returned to allow him to muster up an exclamation mark.  ‘I can’t believe it.  Bombed out by Sveltish Indie Chick.  My worst nightmare.’

The one consolation for Eric was that he sort of deserved it.  Given that he had given Elskar the Telix-17 virus which would ultimately cause the obliteration of her entire species, and she had merely stood him up, he had to admit that he had arguably got off the lightest.  ‘And I suppose it means I can focus on the mission again now,’ he thought.  Since his encounter with Sveltish Indie Chick, Eric had basically lost all interest in scoring with other lasses, and thus in saving the Earth.  At least for the five months he believed Elskar would still be alive and healthy.  ‘Maybe the mission can wait a while,’ he had told himself.

In general Eric wasn’t very big on monogamy.  It just seemed like such a waste.  Like, for example, you wouldn’t order a Big Mac every time you went to McDonalds.  Sometimes you might fancy a McChicken Sandwich.  Or maybe a Filet-O-Fish.  And perhaps one day you might fancy a McFlurry with your meal, whereas the next time you might prefer a Cappuccino
McDonut.

And it was the same with lasses.  Except that you didn’t get special offer vouchers for lasses in the papers, alas.  But anyway, by the same logic, why would you stick with the same lass all the time?  It didn’t make any sense.

At least in normal circumstances it didn’t.  But Sveltish Indie Chick wasn’t just a normal lass.  Sveltish Indie Chick was a special case.  Sveltish Indie Chick was a Big Mac, McChicken Sandwich and Filet-O-Fish all rolled into one.  Actually, that’s not a very flattering comparison so I’ll stick to straightforward descriptions, rather than unflattering metaphors.  Sveltish Indie Chick ticked all the right boxes and more.  Yes, she was good looking and had a fit body and cool fashion sense and all that, but on top of all that she was Sveltish. 
And
an Indie chick.  Like, what were the odds of that?  Sveltish
and
an Indie Chick!  That was, like, the perfect lass!  So Eric would have happily given monogamy a try for the perfect lass.  Even if it meant putting the survival of every species on Earth at risk.  It was a high price to pay but if it meant being with his perfect lass for five months then that was a price that Eric was, perhaps a little selfishly, willing to pay.

But now the perfect lass had bombed Eric out.  And just when he was starting to think about her in an exclusive manner.  But now the thoughts of exclusiveness were quickly evaporating.  Eric was starting to think about the mission once again.  And not, if he was honest, to save the Earth.  Eric was starting to think once again about the mission purely as a coping mechanism to help him deal with the complete guttedness he felt at getting bombed out by his perfect lass.

‘Yeah, I have to think about the mission,’ he told himself.  ‘That’s why I’m here.  To save the Earth.  Five self-indulgent months with Sveltish Indie Chick would have been nice, but realistically it would have been a little bit selfish to put the survival of every single species on Earth at risk just for the sake of a crush on a totally lush lass.  Just for the sake of a crush on a totally lush
Sveltish
lass.  A totally lush Sveltish
indie chick.
  A totally lush Sveltish indie chick with her bottom lip pierced twice.’  Eric pictured her in his head.  ‘Ar, gutter.’  He shook his head.

And then he started to think about the forthcoming evening down the beach.  ‘I totally need to score, like.  It’s the only way to get Sveltish Indie Chick out of my head.  I need to remind myself that there’s loads of other fit lasses here.’  He shook his head again.  ‘Ar, and as an added bonus it’ll mean I’m saving the Earth as well,’ he told himself.

So he headed home and lay on his bed for a couple of hours, all the time trying to think about the mission instead of his rejection.  And gradually the first few seeds of a new emotion started to sprout up inside him.  A very powerful emotion.  An emotion that meant he had far more chance of succeeding on his mission now, than when he was motivated by compassion for Earth, or horniness for himself.  For this was an emotion that can motivate people into doing things that they normally wouldn’t have the courage to do.  An emotion that meant the Femlings were in big trouble.

Anger.

Eric looked down at all the dead ants on his bed and shook his head in disbelief at the stupidity of nature.  “You kill one and loads more come running to their deaths,” he reflected.  “The crazy fools.”

All the dead ants couldn’t help but make Eric feel a bit nervous and shaky, as they reminded him of why he was actually here on Fem.  “Well, time to head down to Hang Out,” he mused.  He had went to Hang Out almost every night for the last
couple of weeks, but never with the same sense of nervousness and trepidation.  Cos tonight felt different for some reason.  Every night before now he sort of knew deep down, or at least very strongly suspected, that he wasn’t going to score.

But tonight felt different.  Tonight felt like it was his time.  It was just a feeling he had, but it was a very strong feeling, and a feeling that wouldn’t leave him alone.  Much like his guilt earlier in the day, it kept niggling away inside him.  So Eric reminded himself that he hadn’t expected to score at the pool party, but he had been wrong then, so maybe the feeling he had now would prove to be wrong as well.  But he wasn’t convinced by this reasoning.  It probably sounds stupid, but he just couldn’t get away from the powerfulness of the feeling he had.  Which was why he couldn’t help feeling a little bit scared.  Not excited like he was when he first arrived.  Just scared.

And when he arrived at Hang Out a few minutes later it must have been showing in his body language because Kesta picked up on it straight away.  “Are you okay?” he asked.  “You look a bit funny.”

“Ar, I’m just a bit gutted cos Sveltish Indie Chick bombed uz out,” Eric revealed.  “She didn’t turn up.”  It was true, he was still quite gutted about being bombed out, but that wasn’t what Kesta picked up on.  Kesta had noticed Eric’s nervousness, not his guttedness.

“Ar, gutter,” Kesta sympathised.  “Have you asked her why she bombed you out, then?”

“Well, nar.  Cos she didn’t turn up,” Eric
repeated.  “Like, so I couldn’t ask her.  Like, if she had of turned up then I could have asked her why she’d bombed uz out, but then if I was, like, ‘Ar, how come you bombed uz out, then?’ when she had turned up she would have been, like, ‘Well, I haven’t bombed you out, you fool.  I’ve turned up.’  But she didn’t turn up … hence I couldn’t ask her.”

“I mean, like, have you not asked her since … cos, like, she’s standing over there, like,” Kesta pointed out, nodding in Elskar’s direction.

Eric’s face lit up.  “Where?” he asked, as he looked in the direction of Kesta’s nod.

“Over there on the steps,” Kesta answered.

“Flip!” Eric exclaimed.  “I should ask her why she bombed uz out.”

“Aye, that’s what I’ve been saying,” Kesta replied.  “You see.  I wasn’t being stupid.”

“Ar, aye.  Soz,” Eric apologised.  “I thought you were just being a bit gormless but it turns out I was the gormless one.”

“Aye, I know,” Kesta agreed.  “So are you gonna ask her?”

Eric pulled a face.  “Ar, well … like, really, if a lass bombs you out and then you still go and speak to her then that sort of means you’ve got no self-respect,” he remarked.  “But on the other hand, luckily for me I’m quite comfortable having no self-respect, like.  So I might as well ask her, like.”