How To Save The World: An Alien Comedy (29 page)

“Look, if you’re still worried about the fact that you’ve probably split me and my lass up then forget about it,” Jixyl very generously remarked.  “Don’t worry about it.  I’ve moved on from the fact that you’ve probably split up me and my girlfriend.  In the grand scheme of things, what matters now is saving the Earth, not the fact that you’ve probably split up me and my girlfriend.”

Eric couldn’t help noticing that for someone who had allegedly moved on from his current relationship difficulties, Jixyl seemed very keen to mention the aforementioned difficulties at every available opportunity.

“Ar, right.  Well I’ll try to focus on saving the Earth, then,” Eric agreed.

The first step in Eric saving the Earth involved him going to the Biological Research Department at the nearby Fyraling University Of Advanced Science to get implanted with the Telix-17 virus.

Not long after Jixyl and Azleev had discovered the predicament Earth faced, they had by chance bumped into an old school friend named Stymer who had been working on a top secret project aimed at providing the Fyralings with a way to defend themselves in the event that the Femlings were ever to
decide that Fyra was the next planet to merit elimination as an ‘act of kindness’ under the Quality Of Life proposal.  When Jixyl mentioned to Stymer the twisted plans the Femlings had for Earth, Stymer had thought it the honourable thing to do to mention the Telix-17 virus his research had created and explain the possibilities this presented to the inhabitants of Earth for a chance of survival.

Jixyl and Azleev had then passed on this information to Eric, which was why he was now on his way to Stymer’s research laboratory.  Azleev had an important lecture that morning so Jixyl was Eric’s escort for the trip.  Before long they were at the lab and Jixyl knocked on the door.  Seconds later Stymer appeared and invited them into the lab.

As Eric entered the lab however, his excitement suddenly disappeared, to be replaced by an attack of paranoia.  “I’ve just thought,” he announced, “what happens if I’m not immune after all and I die as well?”

“Well you
are
immune so that’s a daft question,” Jixyl answered.

“Yeah, but what happens if for some reason my anti-bodies don’t work properly and I catch the disease and die?” Eric hypothesised.

“Look, man.  Don’t stress,” Jixyl replied, tetchily.  “Humans are immune.  That’s all you need to know.”  Eric didn’t find this explanation very reassuring, however.

“Your immunity isn’t based on anti-bodies,” Stymer explained, going into more detail.  “It’s the biological structure of your brain which gives you your immunity.  The process the virus follows goes from stage A to stage B to stage C.  And the part of the brain which allows stage B to take place doesn’t exist in humans, so it’s physically impossible to get to stage C in humans.

It’s like if you imagine a toy train track with one of the pieces of track missing.  There’s no possible way for the train to do a complete lap.”

Eric considered this information for a moment.  “Ar, right.  Cheers.  That’s alright, then.  I just needed reassured.  That’s all,” he replied, before turning to Jixyl.  “You see!  You should try explaining stuff properly.  People feel much more comfortable if you tell them a proper explanation, rather than just saying, ‘Ar, don’t worry.  You’re just immune.’”

“I was right, though,” Jixyl insisted.  “You
are
immune.”

“Aye, but there was no harm in telling uz
why
I’m immune,” Eric proclaimed.

“Anyway, have you gone four hours without food?” Stymer asked.

“Aye, I’m starving,” Eric complained.  He turned once again to Jixyl.  “You didn’t mention I’d have to starve myself, like, when you were telling uz the plan.  Otherwise I mightn’t have been so keen.”  He was only half-joking.

“Four hours without food isn’t a big deal, like,” Jixyl
asserted.  The look on Eric’s face suggested that he disagreed with this statement.

“Anyway, if you’ll just swallow this medicine,” Stymer announced, “and that’s it done.”  He handed Eric a small thimbleful of red medicine which Eric took with his gloved hands
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, then downed it in one gulp.

“I’m surprised it was just medicine, like.  I thought it would have been an injection or something,” Eric remarked, before adding, “Not that I’m complaining, like.”

“No, blood cells kill the virus before it has a chance to cement itself in your system,” Stymer explained, “so it couldn’t be an injection.  It has to be saliva.”

“Saliva?” Eric queried.  “Well how come it was medicine, then?”

“The medicine was predominantly saliva,” Stymer revealed.

A look of horror appeared on Eric’s face.  “Urgh!” he cried out.  “So I’ve just drunk a cup of spit!?  Urgh!”  He looked quite distressed by this revelation.

“It was hardly a cup, like,” Jixyl pointed out.  “It was more like a thimbleful.”

“Still though … I’ve just drunk spit!” Eric
exclaimed.  “Eurgh!!  That’s totally sick!”  Eric had to concentrate to stop himself from actually
being
sick, but he just about managed to keep his guts intact.

“So was it a lass’s spit, like, was it?” he then inquired, hopefully, “or a dude’s?”

“It was mine,” Stymer disclosed, matter-of-factly.

The look of horror on Eric’s face increased tenfold.  “Eurghh!!!” he exclaimed.  “Ar … nar.”  Eric could just about have handled a lass’s saliva but he found the concept of swallowing a dude’s saliva utterly repulsive.  “Urgh!” he repeated, before quickly adding, “No offence, like.  It’s just that … urgh!  A dude’s saliva!  Like … eurgh!  Ar, honestly.  I feel sick.”

“There’s an anti-nausea agent in the medicine,” Stymer declared, “so don’t worry, you won’t be sick.  Psychologically, you might feel unpleasant, but you won’t actually be sick.”

“Ar, well that’s a weight off my mind,” Eric joked, “cos I was only concerned about being sick.  I wasn’t concerned at all by the fact that I’ve just drank a
dude’s saliva.”

“By the way, you might have noticed…  Eric’s a complete sarky nowt,” Jixyl remarked.

Eric though, did indeed manage to keep the medicine/saliva down.  So the first stage of the plan was complete.

The next stage was sorting out the method of G.O.T. to be used by Eric during his time on Fem.  A mobile phone was quickly ruled out as impractical.  When Eric was with Jixyl and Azleev, it wasn’t a big issue if there was an occasional G.O.T.less moment.  But if this happened on Fem it would blow Eric’s cover and so a more permanent method of G.O.T. was required.  It was therefore decided that Eric would receive an ear implant as this totally removed the possibility that he might forget to carry a portable G.O.T. device with him at some time.

It was also decided that the version of G.O.T. Eric would be fitted with would be version 2.5.  This was the latest flashiest version of G.O.T. and eliminated the vast majority of the few minor communicational blips with version 2.2.  It cost a hefty old wedge but it was decided that even an occasional slight communicational moment of confusion on Fem might possibly blow Eric’s cover, and therefore, despite version 2.5 being generally perceived as a total rip-off, on this occasion the exorbitant cost was a price that was worth paying.

I
nserting the ear implant was a painless process, as Eric himself commented after the process was completed.

“Hey, that was alright, that, like,” he remarked.  “I was a bit worried it might knack a bit but I didn’t really feel anything.”

“Yeah, it’s a simple procedure,” the ear doctor confirmed.

“I’ve just thought, though.  Is it waterproof?” Eric inquired.

“Don’t worry.  It’s waterproof,” the doctor assured him.  “It’s also shockproof, fireproof and explosion-proof.  If you got blasted to smithereens the ear implant would still be working fine.”

“Hmm…” Eric
pondered.  “That’s not gonna happen, though, is it?  I mean, I was thinking more along the lines of there’s a good chance I might want to go for a swim.  But there’s not a good chance I’ll get blown to smithereens, is there?”

“Nar, of course not,” Jixyl answered.  The doctor looked a bit confused by Eric’s question.

“Ar, good,” Eric smiled.

“But if you did the ear implant would still be intact,” the ear doctor boasted.

“Hmm…” Eric repeated.

After a few moments another question came to him.  “And what about
customs?  Like … will it make uz beep when I walk through the metal detector machine?”  The doctor once again looked slightly confused.

“You’ll have to forgive my mate,” Jixyl shrugged at the doctor.  “He
suffers from memory loss so he sometimes comes across as a bit out of touch with modern science.”

“No, don’t worry.  It’s constructed from a non-metallic alloy,” the doctor explained.  “Every problem you can come up with, the designers have already thought of and solved.”

The ear implant wouldn’t overcome all of Eric’s communicational difficulties, however.  He was now able to communicate verbally with every species in the galaxy
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, but the ear implant couldn’t solve the problem of the written word.  Electronic devices were almost always G.O.T. enabled anyway nowadays, so using things like mobiles and PCs wouldn’t be a problem for Eric.  But printed words, for example on chocolate bars and on signs outside bars and restaurants, would still be gobbledegook to Eric.

So the next stage o
f the plan involved attaching semi-permanent G.O.T. enabled contact lenses to Eric’s eyes.

Eric was quite understandably
nervous about having alterations made to his eyesight.

“I dunno about this,” he remarked, as he and Jixyl sat in the optician’s waiting room.

“Well it’s either get the contact lenses inserted or not be able to read when you go to Fem and, like, therefore give the game away that you’re not a Femling and fail in the mission,” Jixyl explained.

“Ar, yeah.  I know,” Eric replied.  “Don’t worry.  I don’t mean ‘I don’t know about this’ as in ‘I’m not gonna do it.’  I just mean ‘I dunno about this’ as in ‘I’m still obviously gonna do it, but I just wanna have a bit of a whinge about it first.’”

“There’s no need to whinge, like,” Jixyl asserted.  “Virtually all Fyralings get G.O.T. contact lenses as a matter of course and there’s never any problems.  It’s as simple as having a quadruple heart bypass.”

“Flip!  Is a quadruple heart bypass not canny complicated, like?” Eric inquired.

“Nar, course not,” Jixyl responded.

“Ar, aye.  Soz.  I keep forgetting yous are all, like, scientific geniuses compared to us on Earth,” Eric replied.

“Aye, so don’t stress,” Jixyl advised.  “Just remember, all these procedures that might seem complicated to you are really simple and straightforward to us cos technology is really advanced on Fyra compared to Earth.”

And so after having a bit whinge about it, Eric then chilled out and didn’t stress and got the contact lenses attached which meant that physically he was
finally ready.  All that remained now was to learn as much as he could about the planet Fem and Femling science and society.  So that was exactly how he spent the next few days.

Learning about Femling society was a pretty easy task, as it was very similar to society on Earth, other than a few minor differences.  Learning about Femling science, however, was a more time-consuming task, as they were so far advanced compared to the levels of science reached on Earth.  Fortunately for Eric though, the majority of Femling science wouldn’t really effect his day to day living on the
island resort of Ko Pagna, as most scientific developments related to space travel, weaponry or medical science.  He still had to be aware of these scientific inventions and processes, but didn’t require more than a basic general knowledge.  And besides, he had his portable G.I.N. unit with access to billions of G.I.N. sites if any subjects came up during his time on Fem which he needed to further research.

And so after a few days of intensive learning Eric was ready to begin his mission.  All the pieces of the jigsaw were in place.

Eric was ready to save the Earth.

Fem

Eric had encountered the first of the ‘not so small prices’ he had to pay on his mission and he wasn’t happy.

“Ar, howay, man!  Can you not go any closer?” he moaned.  Jixyl and Azleev had flown him to Pokar Dix and had bypassed the planetary security systems without any problems whatsoever.  Now though, they had reached a point
approximately ten miles away from the city of S3
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and were refusing to go any closer.

“If we go any closer there’s a good chance we’ll get spotted and ruin the mission before it’s even started,” Azleev explained, “so this is as far as we can safely go.”

“I know but I mean … ten miles!  Like … howay!  Ten miles!  Flip!  That’s, like … miles!” Eric whinged.  “Literally!”  What made it worse was that Eric would have to walk the ten miles into the city centre and it was a very hot morning on Pokar Dix.  “Ar, I can’t believe I’ve got to walk ten miles!  First it was having to go four hours without food and now this!  It’s just one nightmare after another!”