How to Save a Life (17 page)

W
HEN
I
RETURN to Logan’s hospital room later that afternoon, Frankie and Katelyn are sitting in the corner, holding hands, and the three of them are watching
Cars
on DVD.

“Logan’s choice,” Frankie says, pointing to the screen. “We’re just being nice.”

“Don’t lie,” Katelyn says, smiling and nudging him. “You’ve laughed out loud at least twenty times since the movie started.”

Frankie shrugs and mutters something about being too old for movies like this, but he’s smiling.

“Are you guys supposed to be in here?” I ask Frankie and Katelyn.

“Of course not,” Frankie says with a shrug. “But we’re all dying, so it’s not like anyone’s going to kick us out. They feel sorry for us.”

“Good point,” I say.

“Join us,” Katelyn says, gesturing to an empty chair in the corner.

“How’d it go with your dad?” Logan asks as I sit down.

“Pretty well, actually. I think I’ll try to go see him a few more times before it’s all over.”

Logan nods. “Good.”

“So how into this movie are we?” I ask. “Because if you’re not completely fixated, I was thinking a full-scale Scrabble tournament.”

Logan looks delighted, and Frankie shrugs and uses the remote to pause the movie. “Let’s do it,” he says.

We spend the next two hours talking, laughing, and trotting out ridiculous words that I have to double-check in the dictionary for accuracy. For all of Logan’s Scrabble prowess, Frankie has a huge vocabulary too, which surprises me until I recall that he’s used the bulk of his extra days to catch up on all the literary classics. The Scrabble match ends with Logan ahead of Frankie by five points, trailed distantly by Katelyn and me.

Frankie and Logan high-five, and as Frankie drifts over to Katelyn and begins whispering something to her that makes her giggle, Logan helps me put away the Scrabble board and tiles. “Better luck next time, Jill,” he says, but his smile fades after a few seconds. “Wait, there is going to be a next time, isn’t there? Like, we can play again tomorrow?”

I slide the rest of the game back into the box and reach for his hands. “Logan, I’ll be here every day until the end. And we can play Scrabble, or talk, or watch movies, or sit in silence, or whatever you want to do. There’s no one I’d rather spend my final days with.”

“But what about Jamie?” he asks.

“We talked about this. It’s better if I just stay away from him.”

Logan frowns. “That’s up to you, I guess.”

I sigh. “I love him, Logan, and I don’t want to hurt him.”

“Shouldn’t that be his choice?”

I shake my head, but there’s nothing more to say.

L
ATER, AFTER SPENDING some time with Sheila, I head out to wait for Merel on the bench. I arrive five minutes before he does, and I smile as he approaches. “Hi, Merel,” I say.

He squints at me. “Have we met?” I can see tears in his eyes as he sits down beside me.

I shake my head. “Um, we met briefly in the past,” I say. “I’m Jill.”

He looks dazed. “Nice to see you.”

“Are you okay?” I already know the answer.

“No, Jill, I’m not.” He sighs and wipes his eyes. “It’s my wife. Ernestine. I—I lost her. She was in surgery today, and they told me it was going well. But she died, Jill, right there on the operating table.”

I pull him into a hug. “Merel, I’m so sorry.”

“How am I supposed to live without her?” he asks as he sobs into my shoulder. “She was my everything.”

“She was your heart,” I say, remembering what he told me the first time we had this conversation. “I know. It’s going to be okay.”

“How? My Ernestine is gone forever.”

I hesitate. I’m not sure what to say for a moment. Would a person want to know, in a situation like this, that he’s about to die? Will that bring comfort or fear? So instead of answering, I ask a question of my own. “Do you regret anything, Merel? Do you regret being this deeply in love with Ernestine?”

He looks surprised as he pulls away from me. “Of course not. What do you mean?”

“I mean . . . you genuinely don’t want to live without her. What if you didn’t feel that way? Wouldn’t it be easier to move on?”

“Yes, but then I would have missed the most beautiful moments of my life. As Alfred Lord Tennyson once said, ‘ ’Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.’ ”

“So no regrets?”

“Not a single one,” he says. “Pleasure and pain are always intertwined. The greater the love, the greater the loss. I wouldn’t trade it for anything.”

I think of Jamie, but it’s not like it’s the same situation. Merel got to spend a lifetime with his love. I would have a mere five days with Jamie, and it doesn’t seem worth the risk to him.

“Merel, would it make you feel better to know that it will all be over soon? That you’ll be with Ernestine again?”

He studies me for a moment, understanding dawning on his face. “You know something I don’t,” he says.

I hesitate. “What makes you say that?”

He blinks a few times and looks into my eyes. “You’re dying.”

I gasp. “How do you know?”

He shrugs. “I—I’m not sure. But you are, aren’t you?”

I nod.

“And I am too?” he asks.

“Yes. Does that make you sad?”

“No. It makes me grateful. Grateful that I made the most of the time I had. Grateful that I’ll be with Ernestine again.” He pauses. “And you, my dear? Are you sad to be going?”

I nod. “I am. I’m not ready yet, although I should be. It’s hard to explain, but I had extra time. It made this easier to grasp, and it brought me some peace, but I just have the feeling that I’m still not done.”

“Have you fallen in love?”

I nod. “Yes. With a man named Jamie.”

He stares at me for a moment. “But you haven’t let him love you in return, have you?”

“What do you mean?”

Merel smiles sadly. “Love is selfless, it’s true. And it’s possible to love when that love is unrequited. But the strongest love in the universe is the kind that becomes part of a cycle. Loving and being loved in return, that’s one of life’s greatest gifts.”

Merel reaches out to squeeze my hands, and he’s still smiling at me, still looking into my eyes, when he seizes, his body twitching and spasming unnaturally. My eyes fill with tears, and I hold on tight as he goes still, his breathing ragged.

“It’s going to be okay, Merel,” I whisper. “You’re going home.”

He’s still holding my hands as he takes his last breath and slips away.

M
Y HEART IS heavy as I walk into Atlanta Memorial to alert the front desk staff about the man on the bench outside who appears to be deceased. I know I’ve done the right thing—I’ve let Merel go—but I’m still having trouble seeing death as a part of life when it feels like such an abrupt ending.

I’m on my way back out of Atlanta Children’s after giving Logan a kiss good night when I spot Jamie sitting on the bench beneath the tree in the lobby. I consider bolting, but his eyes are already on mine, and he’s already standing up, as if he was expecting me.
But that’s impossible
, I remind myself.
We haven’t met yet
. I look away and pretend I haven’t noticed him, although to act like I don’t know him now actually causes me physical pain.

I’m just passing the tree when I hear his voice. “Jill,” he says softly.

I stop, breathing hard, and turn to him. “You don’t know me yet,” is all I can think to say.

He smiles and closes the distance between us. “Yes, I do.” He touches my cheek.

“No,” I whisper.

“I remember,” he says softly.

“But you can’t. I made sure to stay away from you so that—”

He cuts me off. “I remember,” he repeats. He leans forward and kisses me before I have the chance to say anything else.

“But . . . how?” I ask.

“I don’t know. I dreamt of you last night, and when I came into the hospital this morning, I could hear the tree in the lobby whispering to me.”

“You . . . heard the tree?”

“Maybe this sounds crazy, but I think it was my daughter speaking. She was saying good-bye, and as she went silent, and I walked away, all I could see was you. I had all these memories of things that couldn’t possibly have happened—drinks with you, dinners with you, a birthday party on the cardiology floor, go-karting, falling asleep beside you—and I knew that somehow, they were real.”

“But this isn’t possible,” I protest. “You weren’t ever supposed to remember me. I’m dying, Jamie, and knowing me now is only going to hurt you.”

“Do you love me?” he asks.

I look into his eyes. “Yes. But—”

“ ‘ ’Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all,’ ” he says. I’m jolted by hearing the same quote Merel recited just an hour earlier. “We can’t regret this, no matter what. I can’t explain it, but I think this is what’s meant to happen.”

He holds out his hand, and after a few seconds, I take it. He kisses me once more and leads me outside, into the humid, perfect night.

16

O
VER THE NEXT
few days, I spend as much time as I can with Logan; I see Katelyn and Frankie often; and I drop by my dad’s house twice just to spend some time with him. And in every spare moment, I’m with Jamie. The weeks of repeated days added up to far more than I ever expected; Jamie somehow remembers them too. He keeps telling me about the dreams he’s having that echo the real-life experiences he should have forgotten. It’s enough to make me believe that Caroline somehow had a bigger plan all along, but I can’t understand what it is. I can’t imagine she’d want her father to be hurt again.

At the end of the fourth day, the day before I’ll die, I’m sitting with Logan in the late afternoon as his energy level wanes. He’s weakening, and I’m reminded that he’s moving toward his end too. He sleeps more than he used to, and his blood pressure is all over the place, but he seems peaceful in a way I’ve never seen before.

“You doing okay, buddy?” I ask as he drifts in and out of sleep. We’d been playing Scrabble, but he dozed off twice in the middle of the game, so we’ve called it quits.

His eyes open. “I’m okay.”

“You don’t look like you’re feeling that well.”

He laughs weakly. “This is what dying looks like.”

I force a smile, though I only see the sadness in the situation, the waste despite everything. Besides, I’m not feeling weaker. My headaches have strengthened, but it’s hard to imagine I’ll be dead tomorrow.

“You know,” Logan says after a minute, “I’ll be here for a while after you’re gone. Is there anything you want me to do?”

I can feel tears in my eyes. I hate that he’ll have to spend his final two weeks without me. The fact that I’m going first feels unfair—one final loss he’ll have to endure in his far-too-short life. “Logan, all I need you to do for me in the next couple weeks is to take it easy, rest when you can, lean on Katelyn and Frankie when you need them, and remember that it’s all going to be okay.”

“I don’t mean the next couple weeks. I mean after that.”

“After that?”

He yawns. “I’m taking over the tree. Just for a little while.”

I blink at him. “Wait, what?”

“It’s only meant to be temporary. And now it’s Caroline’s turn to move on.”

“Wait, what are you saying? Caroline isn’t going to be speaking through the tree anymore?”

He shakes his head. “She’s already gone. Haven’t you felt it?”

I think about what Jamie said a few days ago about Caroline saying good-bye and going silent. “Maybe,” I say.

“So now it’s my turn. My turn to tell the next batch of kids about the tree. To help them understand that there’s always a second chance, even when life doesn’t seem to be working out.”

I can feel my eyes filling with tears. “But does that mean I won’t get to see you?”

He smiles. “I think it just means you have to wait a little longer for me. I still expect you to throw me that party on a cloud whenever I get to heaven.”

“Are you okay with this?” I ask after a minute.

“Very okay. Think of how much the tree helped us. It’s only fair that I help other people too. And don’t worry. I’ll be along soon. This is just the way it’s meant to be.”

I reach for his hand and we sit there for a long time in peaceful silence. Finally, I ask him something that’s been bothering me for the last few days. “Logan, the tree talked to Jamie. Does that mean he’s going to die too?”

Logan frowns. “I hadn’t thought about that.” He doesn’t say anything for a moment. “Maybe not. Maybe it was just Caroline getting around the rules to say good-bye. After all, it’s not like he got to repeat any days or anything, right?”

“No,” I say. “But then again, maybe his life was already more complete than yours and mine. Maybe he didn’t need the extra time to get right with the world.”

“I’m sure he’s going to be okay,” Logan says, squeezing my hand. But his forehead creased in concern belies his light tone. “Are you scared?” Logan asks after a pause, his voice suddenly sounding more childlike. “Of what’s going to happen tomorrow?”

I nod. “I don’t know how not to be. Knowing you’re going to die is such a strange thing. Are you scared?”

“Of dying?” He shakes his head. “No. But I think I’ve had a really long time to get used to the idea.”

He yawns and I check my watch. I need to let him get some sleep, even if I’d rather sit with him for hours. Besides, I want to make one more trip to see my dad. After that, I know Jamie will be at my house, waiting.

“I should go, kiddo,” I tell Logan. “But I’ll see you tomorrow. I’ll be here first thing in the morning.”

Logan nods, but there are tears in his eyes. “I just want to say thank you.”

“For what?”

“For changing everything for me. For being the closest thing to a mom I could hope to find.”

“Logan, I’m the one who should be thanking you.” I bend down and give him a hug.

“You’re the best part of my life,” he says.

“And you’re the best part of mine.” I can feel a tear sliding down my cheek. “I guess that makes us pretty lucky after all.”

“I love you, Jill,” he whispers.

“I love you too,” I say. “Now get some sleep. I’ll see you in the morning.”

I turn around once more in the doorway to see him watching me. He waves his hand in a silent good-bye as I walk away.

J
AMIE AND
I
stay up all night, talking, holding each other, crying. I still feel guilty for the pain he’ll endure once I’m gone, but being with someone like him is everything I ever wanted. I just hate that it has to be so brief.

In the morning, we have coffee in my kitchen, and I begin to cry when I realize it will be the last time. Everything I do today will be the last time. Jamie comforts me, pulling me close and murmuring about how in heaven, I can make myself coffee every day if I want. I smile into his chest, knowing that he’s just as aware as I am that this isn’t really a conversation about coffee preparation.

“You know,” he says a few minutes later as he washes our mugs out and puts them on the drying rack, “this was worth every minute.”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean I’m so grateful for the days we’ve spent together.” He crosses to the other side of the kitchen and takes my hands in his. “I know you had doubts about whether this was the right thing, because you didn’t want to hurt me. But I wouldn’t trade this for anything.”

“But why?” I whisper. “It seems so unfair. Losing Caroline hurt you so much. And now you’ll lose me too.”

“But without you, I would never have known how to open my heart again, Jill.” He’s crying now, and I wipe a tear from his left cheek as he goes on. “After Caroline died—and the way Jen left—well, I didn’t believe in things like this anymore. But in the short time we’ve spent together, you’ve brought me back to life. I feel whole for the first time in years.”

He folds me in again, and I nod into his chest. I understand what he’s saying, and on some level, I can see that he’s right. Maybe this was Caroline’s plan all along. My last act on earth would be to restore the heart of a good man. But in this moment, knowing that my hours are waning, it still feels desperately unfair. “It wasn’t enough time,” I tell him.

“It’s never enough time,” he murmurs into my hair. “But we’ll see each other again. I believe that with all my heart. And in the meantime, you’ll be with Logan and Frankie and Katelyn. Maybe you can even find Caroline and tell her how very much I love her.”

“She knows. But I’ll tell her.”

“If I had it to do over again, Jill, I would choose you. I would choose this,” he says softly. “Every time. Never forget that.”

It’s just past eight when we get into his car. We don’t know what time today my brain will give out, so Jamie has promised to spend every second with me. We’re heading to the hospital to see Logan, because I can’t imagine my last day on earth without him.

“I thought maybe we could take Frankie, Katelyn, and Logan to lunch today, if that’s okay with you,” I say as we pull out of my neighborhood and onto Peachtree. Morning traffic is thick, as usual, and suddenly, I’m antsy to get to the kids.

“That sounds great,” Jamie agrees.

“Will you promise to look out for them once I’m gone?”

He nods, and I can see him wiping away a tear. “Of course I will.” He’s quiet for a minute before he adds, “You know, I love you. I love you so much, Jill.”

I open my mouth to respond, to tell him I love him too, but the words catch in my throat as an SUV slams into my side of the car, spinning us into the intersection ahead.

“Jill!” Jamie cries, but it’s too late to reply. My name on his tongue is the last thing I hear before there’s a warm flash of beautiful, bright light. And then suddenly, I’m not in the car at all anymore; I’m floating above it, looking down in astonishment at a mangled piece of metal that looks nothing like the sedan we were riding in just seconds before.

“Jill?” I hear my name again, and I turn. Jamie is beside me, glistening like a perfect dawn. He looks at me in awe, and then we both look down at the accident scene again. There’s a semi truck where the nose of Jamie’s Mazda used to be and a VW Beetle crunched against the back bumper.

“You’re here too?” I ask.

Jamie nods. “Looks that way.”

“Jamie, this isn’t right!” I say, beginning to panic. “It was supposed to be my time, not yours!”

“Or maybe this is exactly what was meant to be.”

I stare at him, the tension and fear draining away as a feeling of warmth begins to envelop me. “I’m so sorry.”

He smiles. “There’s nothing to be sorry about, Jill. Look.”

He takes my hand, and I follow his eyes skyward, where the light is waiting for us, beckoning.

“But you were supposed to live,” I whisper.

“I
did
live,” he says. “None of us gets to choose when it ends. But you chose me, and I chose you, and that means we both had the chance to leave with full hearts. It doesn’t get any better than that.”

I take a deep breath and let go of everything I thought was supposed to happen, all the plans I had, all the hopes and dreams. Maybe I had them after all. Maybe this was how it was destined to be all along.

“Thank you for loving me, Jamie,” I say.

“I couldn’t have stopped if I tried,” he replies. “Now let’s go see Caroline.” As he takes my hand, his smile is dazzling, and all at once, the weight of the earth slips away. Together, we float upward, toward the sun, into the light of a million beautiful tomorrows.