How to Ruin Your Boyfriend's Reputation (23 page)

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notice she's wearing sunglasses suspiciously similar to the $235 ones I dropped in the poop hole my first day here.

My mouth drops open. They
are
my sunglasses. I look over at Jessica, who I know also noticed because she's got the same open-mouthed, shocked expression I do.

"She fished them out," I whisper to Jess.

Jess shakes her head. "I'm speechless, Amy. What are you gonna do? Ask for them back?"

"Absolutely not!" If a girl wants those glasses so bad she'll fish in poop to get them, she can be my guest and keep them forever.

Noah got reassigned, and is also now a team leader for our unit. I wish Noah had another message from Avi, but he doesn't. I also wish I had Noah's outlook on life... no expectations, and then you won't be disappointed.

When we get to the shooting range, I walk up to Nathan as we're waiting for our turn to shoot. "Just so you know, I'm breaking up with you."

Nathan shakes his head vigorously. "Nuh uh. You can't do that.
I'm
supposed to break up with you first. That was our deal."

"So break up with me. I'm back with Avi."

"Well, you can't tell Tori. You promised to pretend to be devastated about our breakup." Nathan pouts. "How's it gonna look to Tori when she sees you broke up with me to go out with that... that beast?" He puts his arm around me and says, "Come on, Amy. You're my best friend. What's a girl best friend worth if she won't help you get laid?"

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I push him away from me. "Eww. You're so gross."

"I'm a guy, I was born gross. Now go tell Tori we broke up. And that you're devastated. I want to see some tears. And don't forget to tell her I'm good in bed."

"I'm not telling her that."

"Why not?"

"Because what if it's not true? I don't want my credibility questioned."

"Are you insinuating what I think you're insinuating?"

I hold my hands up. "Don't blame me. Listen, Nathan. Ever since you broke up with Becky--*

"Bicky."

"Whatow her name is. You don't have to act like a player. I'm only gonna say this once so you don't get a big head. You're cute, with that streaked-blond messy-haired garage-band-guy look you've got goin' on." I gesture to his hair and cute boyish face. "You're cool... when you're not eating my white chocolate Kit Kats. And you're funny... in an entertaining, Muppety sort of way. I'm not setting you up with Tori just so you can get into her pants. I'll set you up with Tori because you're a great guy."

"You think I'm a great guy?"

I roll my eyes. "When you're not being an idiot you are. But I've got to warn you, Tori's got issues."

"I do, too." Considering he doesn't have parents around and lives with his aunt and uncle, who aren't deliriously happy to be fostering their nephew, I'm well aware of Nathan's issues.

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"There's just one more problem," I tell him, as Sergeant B-S calls us to take our places on the range.

"What?"

"Nothing I can't handle." I don't tell Nathan that while I'm trying to get Tori to fall
in
love with him, I have to get Miranda to fall
out
of love with him. Nathan may rock Miranda's world, but he doesn't feel the same way about her. That's not to say that it will never happen... it just won't happen now. As much as I hate to admit it, Nathan and Tori have potential. They've both got
chutzpah
... a lot of attitude and nerve. Both of them could use a person to challenge them.

"Just don't tell Tori anything that'll ruin my reputation as a stud," Nathan says as he releases the magazine to his M16.

"Don't worry, Nathan. You can do that all on your own."

The sergeant passes out bullets and tells us to load our magazines. I look down at George II. I don't have Avi to help me this time. Noah is walking behind us, making sure everyone knows what they're doing. I look over at Miranda, fitting her bullets in the magazine chamber just like everyone else. I raise my hand and wave Noah over to me.

"Hey, Amy!" he says with a big smile. "How's it goin'?"

"Good."

He kneels next to me. "Need help?"

"Not me. My friend Miranda over there...you met her in the kitchen when we had the bee incident. She says

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she knows how to shoot, but that's just a cover-up. She needs help. She's just too shy to ask for it."

Noah pats me on the shoulder. "I got it. I'll go over there and
not
help her, if you know what I mean." He walks toward Miranda and kneels next to her. When she says she's okay, he stays with her and chats while she loads and aims the rifle. I think I hear her laugh at something he says right before she shoots.

I might just open my own matchmaking service when I get back to Chicago. I set up my dad and Maria this winter. Seriously, it might be hereditary...maybe my great-great-great-grandmother was a matchmaker in some little village in Russia or Germany.

As I load George II with ammunition and get in position to shoot, I think back to my first time on the range, when Avi was lying next to me, placing my fingers into the correct position and relaxing me with his voice.

I imagine he's here with me now, acting as my support and guide. With the butt of the rifle against my shoulder, I put the rifle into the V in my left hand to steady the barrel. I settle my fingers into position, pretending Avi's hands are patiently guiding mine. As I aim at the target ahead of me and put my finger on the trigger, I take a breath and hold it while I fire.

I hit the target. Yeah!

I fire again. Another hit!

And again.

"Avodah tovah
--nice job," I hear Sergeant B-S's voice from behind me.

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I look back at his approving nod. "Thanks, sir," I say.

For the rest of the day, I remember that "nice job" and the approving nod from Sergeant B-S and it gives me strength. Until right after dinner, when Ronit gives us the news.

"Yes, the rumors are true. We're going on a night hike and sleeping in the desert tonight."

Like Noah, I force myself to have low expectations and keep a positive attitude. I can't help thinking about what
Sofia
said:
You're a Barak. No Barak is a quitter.
But I also can't help thinking about desert scorpions, snakes, and hairy spiders. I'm thinking about other comforts of home as I raise my hand.

"Amy, do you have a question?"

"Yeah," I say. "Umm...is there a bathroom where we're headed?"

"Absolutely." She comes back and holds up a small shovel. "The entire place is one big bathroom. Just dig a hole and relieve yourself."

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Chapter 26

Being a leader sometimes means taking one for the team.

We line up with our rifles strapped to our backs and our canteens freshly filled with water. "We've been told that sleeping bags will be issued at our final destination, but it might just be a rumor. What isn't a rumor is that we're sleeping in our fatigues--talk about roughing it.

The girls are freaking out about the toilet situation, so we've all come up with a plan to bring Jess's biodegradable wipies in our pockets. As a last-minute grab, I snatch my pink satin pillow off my mattress. I won't be able to sleep without it.

"What's that?" Sergeant B-S asks me in the courtyard, before we're ordered to march out. He's pointing at my pillow, which I'm clutching to my chest.

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"My special pillow. I can't sleep without it."

He shakes his head. "No.
Zis
is not
beseder
--not okay. Put it back"

Well, it was worth a try. Luckily he can't see the wip-ies hidden in our fatigue pockets. I set my pillow back on my mattress and hurry back to Sergeant B-S and the rest of my unit.

I'm not risking another fall like I had on the night of our run, so I find myself in a slow jog next to Miranda. "Are we friends again?"

She glances at me as we jog side by side. "Yeah. I was always your friend, Amy. I just got upset for a stupid reason."

"Because Nathan was pretending to be my boyfriend? I'm sorry, Miranda. I know you like Nathan as more than a friend. It was insensitive of me to think you wouldn't care that I made a deal with him to get Avi jealous."

"It's okay. I know Nathan likes Tori. Girls like me never get a guy. Seriously, I tried to hit on Nimrod a few nights ago and he didn't even notice."

That's not a shocker, considering he's gay. "I hear he's already dating someone," I say. "What about Noah?"

"Colorado Noah?"

"Yeah," I say, feeling her out. "He's such a teddy bear, isn't he?"

"You mean chubby."

"I mean nice. Like you."

"Yeah, he's nice."

I nudge Miranda and smile. "Give up on Nathan,

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Miranda. Now don't get mad at me for saying this, but I think you've been crushing on Nathan for so long because you're afraid to like someone who might actually like you back. You're stalling."

"You're acting like a therapist, Amy."

"I've been to enough of them to know what I'm talking about. Open your eyes to new people." I point to Noah, who's up ahead giving encouragement to our unit, telling us to keep going even though we're tired.

"He helped me on the range today," she tells me.

I give myself an inner high five for instigating that little moment. "We jog slowly beside each other, neither of us saying anything for a while. It could be because we're panting from the jog... or it could be because my words are sinking in.

"Thanks, Amy," Miranda says eventually.

"You're welcome."

We finally get to our destination, which is a makeshift campground in the middle of the Negev desert. I can just sense the Israeli scorpions and snakes waiting for a taste of American blood. It's dark already, but the billions of stars in the sky brighten the night. I look up, wondering if Avi is looking at those same stars. I miss him so much I ache inside, but I'm trying to stay positive and strong. I've got to admit it's tough to be running and setting other people up when the love of my life, the guy who makes me want to be a better person, isn't with me.

Ronit tells us to sit in a big circle. She passes out cans of what looks like fancy dog food.

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"What is this?" I ask her as I lift off the top.

"Dinner."

"Dinner?"

"It's called Loof."

Oh, no! Loof! I remember the bathroom wall with the words
Beware of the Loof.
"Don't we have pita? Or hummus?" I ask her. Listen, those are Israeli staples.

"No. It's Loof or nothing tonight. This is what the soldiers eat on missions and in desert training. Remember, this isn't a spa."

I examine the muddy brown substance. "Do you eat it with a fork or a spoon?"

"Whichever you want," Ronit tells me.

I look at my friends, all sniffing their own processed chunk of food/meat passing as a meal. I have to admit it smells like pasteurized liver, if there is such a thing. I admit I've never eaten liver before, even the chopped liver my dad made a couple of times. But it's Israel, so at least I know it's kosher and has been blessed by a rabbi.

"Plug your nose and eat the Loof," Noah suggests. "Then it's not so bad." I watch as he scoops out a chunk of the stuff and chows down.

My friends are looking at me for direction. Should we follow in Mr. Positive/No Expectations' footsteps or starve?

I could reveal that I brought my own provisions--
KifKafi
--in the pockets of my pants. They've probably melted, but melted
KifKafi
are probably better than Loof any day of the week.

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But we're soldiers now. And Israeli soldiers eat Loof, no matter how bad it is. I plug my nose with my fingers, scoop out a chunk, and eat it. "Mmm. Yummy."

"Really?" Jess asks.

"No, not really. It's absolutely disgusting. But we're Jewish warrior women, right?"

Jess nods. Miranda nods. Even Tori nods. "Right!" they say in unison.

We look at Nathan. "Don't look at me. I'm no warrior woman. I'm not eating it."

Tori takes a tester bite from her little can. Miranda and Jess do, too. We all eat the Loof as if it's a rite of passage.

"Nathan, don't be a loser. Eat it," Tori says, tossing him a fork.

Not wanting at provoke Tori's wrath, even Nathan chows down. He's a warrior too, after all.

A truck with a pile of sleeping bags in the back is waiting for us. We're instructed to grab one and find a spot on the ground to sleep. Tori, who I haven't had a chance to talk to in a while, comes up to me.

"So how's your grandma?" she asks.

"Alive. I think she's okay, at least for now." I see a bandage on her neck that wasn't there when I left the base two days ago. "What happened?" I ask, pointing to it.

"You promise you won't laugh?"

"I promise."

Tori says, "I got stung. By a worker bee."

I suppress a laugh. "I thought you said they don't sting."