How to Rise Above Abuse (Counseling Through the Bible Series) (17 page)

Separating from a spiritually abusive group can be grueling because the members often use fear and shame to keep one another from leaving. Regardless of the difficulty, if you are in such a group, the Bible says you must leave. Your spiritual life depends on it!

“If anyone teaches otherwise and does not consent to wholesome words,
even the words of our Lord Jesus Christ,
and to the doctrine which accords with godliness, he is proud,
knowing nothing, but is obsessed with disputes and arguments over words,
from which come envy, strife, reviling, evil suspicions…
From such withdraw yourself”

(1 T
IMOTHY
6:3-5
NKJV
).

Ask yourself the following questions to determine whether a group is abusive and/or spiritually deceptive:

___ Do they exalt someone as an
irrefutable authority
in the group?

___ Do they discourage my
questions
?

___ Do they demand my
absolute allegiance
?

___ Do they have a long list of
rules
related to dress, hairstyle, or activities?

___ Do they
judge
those who do not keep their list of rules?

___ Do they consider themselves the
only true church
?

___ Do they insist on making my major
life decisions
for me?

___ Do they consider
those who leave
their group apostates, backsliders, or doomed?

___ Do they
shame
people publicly?

For every abuse that your church has committed, repeat the following out loud:

“It was inappropriate for my church to (
name abuse
). I renounce this practice/position and announce my allegiance to God and to His Word.”

Pray the following prayer of King David every day to reaffirm your reliance on God to guard and protect you:

“You are my rock and my fortress,
for the sake of your name lead and guide me.
Free me from the trap that is set for me,
for you are my refuge”

(P
SALM
31:3-4).

Diseases have accompanying symptoms such as fever and specific aches and pains. The symptoms are not the problem, but rather are the result of the real problem, which is the disease itself. Likewise, legalism produces symptoms that some people mistake for the real problem.

Ultimately, legalistic abusers burden their victims with responsibilities and keep them so busy that they have difficulty processing any liberating truth. They become stricken with a disabling apathy toward gaining deeper knowledge and are intellectually put to sleep as they are constantly told what
to believe. Because they cannot adequately think for themselves, they become depersonalized, unable to function as God intended. For these reasons, Jesus sternly addressed the legalistic abusers of His day:

“You experts in the law, woe to you,
because you load people down with burdens they can hardly carry,
and you yourselves will not lift one finger to help them…
Woe to you experts in the law, because you have taken away the key to knowledge.
You yourselves have not entered, and you have hindered those who were entering”

(L
UKE
11:46,52).

As you read the following symptoms, check to see whether you are a victim of a legalistic abuser.
²³

Low Self-worth

— Do you think you must accept abuse?

— Do you think you must accept blame?

— Do you think you must accept condemnation?

Inordinate Fear

— Do you fear disapproval or condemnation?

— Do you fear authority figures?

— Do you fear conflict?

Excessive Guilt

— Do you feel like a failure?

— Do you feel a sense of shame?

— Do you feel a heaviness of heart?

Unresolved Anger

— Do you feel frustrated over not being perfect?

— Do you feel angry for not keeping all the rules?

— Do you feel you are losing patience with yourself and others?

Limited Transparency

— Do you think you must put up a false front to hide the real you?

— Do you think if others really knew you, they would reject you?

— Do you think closeness with others is to be avoided?

Troubled Relationships

— Do you have difficulty saying
no
?

— Do you feel you are not forgiven?

— Do you continually compare yourself with others and keep them at a distance?

High Self-sufficiency

— Do you try to earn love by performing well?

— Do you try to do everything perfectly so as not to be rejected?

— Do you try to stay in control so you can feel a sense of significance?

Misplaced Priorities

— Do you prioritize the externals, such as complying with rules and regulations?

— Do you have difficulty setting boundaries?

— Do you place more importance on outward actions than on inward needs?

It is imperative that you remember…

“The L
ORD
said to Samuel,
‘Do not consider his appearance or his height,
for I have rejected him.
The L
ORD
does not look at the things man looks at.
Man looks at the outward appearance,
but the L
ORD
looks at the heart’”

(1 S
AMUEL
16:7).

What are the beliefs behind legalism? Trying to maintain God’s acceptance
is a full-time job for legalists. Thinking of God as their judge is more real an image in their minds than seeing God as a father who grants blessings to His children. But God’s Word tells us that we are accepted by God through our acceptance of Christ, not through our human efforts. Christians will not experience God’s judgment, for Christ experienced judgment on their behalf at Calvary. The Bible says,

“Christ was sacrificed once to take away the sins of many people;
and he will appear a second time, not to bear sin,
but to bring salvation to those who are waiting for him”

(H
EBREWS
9:28).

For many reasons people are susceptible to and then become snared by legalistic or spiritually abusive people. Some of those reasons include…

•
Legalism in the home
either trains children to perform well in order to please or drives children to rebel against the rigidity and hypocrisy found in legalists.

•
Children with legalistic authority figures
tend to view God as harsh, demanding, unmerciful, and unforgiving—a perception that breeds fear-driven compliance.

•
Legalism does not create
a climate of love for God based on His love for us. Nor does it encourage a heart inclined to please Him by living according to His Word.

•
Children thrive on being raised in a Christian home
by loving, godly parents—parents who accurately reflect God as a compassionate father who comforts us in our difficulties, disciplines us in love, and mercifully meets our needs.

The Bible says, “Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all
our troubles…Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows” (2 Corinthians 1:3-4; James 1:17).

•
Legalism provides an “exact ruler
” based on the extremely high standards of the legalistic leaders—an objective way to measure where you stand with God and where you fail to measure up.

•
Legalism provides discipline.
Perfectionists become model disciples in a legalistic environment where acceptance is based solely on performance.

•
Legalism tends to increase guilt
rather than relieve it. Further, it fails to provide assurance of salvation.

•
Rather than demonstrating humility
before God, legalists become either prideful or so discouraged they give up on God altogether.

The Bible says, “God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble” (1 Peter 5:5).

•
Legalists feel entitled.
They present themselves as having spiritual authority and therefore entitled to receive immediate agreement and unquestioned compliance.

•
Legalistic peers condemn those who disagree
and accept those who agree with them, creating immense pressure for conformity.

•
Legalism cannot make all people think,
feel, reason, or believe the same way, nor can it provide God’s rest, which comes from knowing that He loves and accepts us all just as we are.

•
Christians need to share their spiritual struggles
so that they can pray for one another and grow in God’s grace together. Doing so will help create deep bonds of Christian love and intimate relationships.

The Bible says, “Confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective” (James 5:16).

•
Legalism emphasizes “doing”—
witnessing, discipling, teaching, attending all required activities, and whatever else is expected.

•
Legalistic activity flows out of a need to perform
for God in the hopes of meeting His requirements for righteousness and to gain His approval.

•
Legalism cannot give people the spiritual security
that comes only from being assured of God’s forgiveness and unconditional love and acceptance.

•
Legalism produces actions done with wrong motives.
Genuine Christian activity flows out of love for God and the grace of God.

The Bible says, “God is able to make all grace abound to you, so that in all things at all times, having all that you need, you will abound in every good work” (2 Corinthians 9:8).

Victims of spiritual abuse typically feel that they need to work to please God or they need to be punished by God for displeasing Him. The guilt they feel can be based on
true
guilt for their actual, unconfessed sin. More often, however, they have
false
guilt over actual sin that has already been forgiven… or false guilt for imagined sin. This type of person has usually experienced a series of abusive relationships, often beginning with excessively rigid parents or authority figures.

The crowds who followed Jesus had been brought up believing that their righteous works would save them. “They asked him, ‘What must we do to do the works God requires?’ Jesus answered, ‘The work of God is this: to believe in the one he has sent’ ” (John 6:28-29).

People in spiritually abusive churches often…

•
Grow up being abused or manipulated
by someone they loved

— Unjustly and severely disciplined for minor or imagined infractions