How to Meet Cute Boys (21 page)
Read How to Meet Cute Boys Online
Authors: Deanna Kizis,Ed Brogna
BY BENJAMINA FRANKLIN
| THE GOOD | THE BAD | THE END | |
|---|---|---|---|
ARIES | He’s a chauvinist, which turns you on because until recently you were dating a guy who drank flavored coffee. | Wait until he starts asking where his dinner is. | Babe, you’re the best, but he’s got room for a lot more notches on his belt. |
TAURUS | He’s smart, shy, a secret pervert. | He’ll make you miserable if your relationship doesn’t go the way he wants. | Mixed signals—he’ll leave you, come back, leave, come back. When you’ve finally had enough, expect to do all the dirty work. |
GEMINI | He likes to chew the rag even more than your best friend. | All this talk never goes anywhere. | He’s such a flake, he’ll probably forget to deliver an “it’s over” speech. |
CANCER | Sensitive, sex-obsessed, the perfect scam. | He’s completely anal and ridiculously insecure. | If you dump him, he’ll obsess about you forever. If you don’t, expect to be smothered to death. |
LEO | He acts like he’s already famous. | He treats you like just another fan. | Imagine trying to get your way with Madonna—a consummate Leo—but add a penis to the mix. |
VIRGO | He’s preppy, self-deprecating, and practical. | Therapy five times a week would only scratch the surface. | He’s defensive, so he goes on the offensive. Be prepared for a tongue lashing (and no, not the good kind). |
LIBRA | Isn’t he adorable? Thoughtful, kind, soft-spoken … | … which is only a ruse to hide how insanely judgmental he is. | A dissertation on exactly what you’ve done wrong, what he’s done wrong, what you’ve both done wrong, that will make you want to kill yourself. |
SCORPIO | He’s charismatic and holds back enough to keep you interested. | Hello, psycho! Scorpio’s temper is from hell . | Encourage him to express his anger via e-mail, then cancel your Hotmail account, change your phone number, and move far, far away. |
SAGITTARIUS | All the other girls want him, but he chooses you. | That’s what you think— he cheats . | Don’t expect him to go through a mourning period—he’ll have someone else lined up way before the door hits you in the rear. |
CAPRICORN | He’s a suit-and-tie guy—self-possessed, intelligent, goal-oriented. | He thinks doggie-style is risqué and is looking for a trophy wife. | Unless you live up to his expectations, you’ll get the old heave-ho in a public place or via fax. |
| PISCES ASKS EVERY GIRL HE GOES OUT WITH, “ARE YOU MY MOMMY?” | |||
AQUARIUS | Supercool hippie vibe where you love the one you’re with. | He’s a hypocrite who has big ideas about how people should behave that he doesn’t apply to himself. | If you don’t have a lot in common, run for your life. |
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