How to Help a Friend in an Abusive Relationship: What You Need to Know About Domestic Violence (4 page)

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“...then I perceived their end. Surely
Thou dost set them in slippery places; thou dost cast them down to
destruction. How they are destroyed in a moment! They are utterly
swept away by sudden terrors.”
Psalms 73:17b-19

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“...the Lord hates…haughty eyes…a lying
tongue…hands that shed innocent blood…wicked plans…one who spreads
strife among brothers…”
Proverbs 6:16-19

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“Evil men do not understand justice, but
those who seek the Lord understand all things.”
Proverbs
28:5

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“...but the mouth of the wicked conceals
violence.”
Proverbs 10:6b

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“Do not be wise in your own eyes; fear the
LORD and turn away from evil. It will be healing to your body and
refreshment to your bones.”
Proverbs 3:7-8

***
“He who despises his neighbor
[or his
wife]
lacks sense.”
Proverbs 11-12

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“The merciful man does himself good, but
the cruel man does himself harm.”
Proverbs 11:17

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“A quick tempered man acts foolishly, and
a man of evil devices is hated.”
Proverbs 14:17

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“He who is slow to anger has great
understanding, but he who is quick-tempered exalts folly.”
Proverbs 14:29

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“There is a way that seems right to a man;
but its end is the way of death.”
Proverbs 16:25

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“A worthless man digs up evil, while his
words are as a scorching fire. A perverse man spreads strife, and a
slanderer separates intimate friends. A man of violence entices his
neighbor, and leads him in a way that is not good. He who winks his
eyes does so to devise perverse things; He who compresses his lips
brings evil to pass.”
Proverbs 16:27-30

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“A man of great anger shall bear the
penalty; for if you rescue him, you will only have to do it
again.”
Proverbs 19:19

***
“What is desirable in a man is his
kindness, and it is better to be a poor man than a liar.”
Proverbs 19: 22

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“The violence of the wicked will drag them
away, because they refuse to act with justice.”
Proverbs
21:7

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“‘Proud', 'Haughty', and 'Scoffer', are
his names, who acts with insolent pride.”
Proverbs 21:24

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“He who says to the wicked, 'You are
righteous', peoples will curse him, nations will abhor him; but to
those who rebuke the wicked will be delight, and a good blessing
will come upon them.”
Proverbs 22:24-25

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“…let the wicked forsake his ways…For He
will abundantly pardon…”
Isaiah 55:6-9

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“
[God speaking]
…should I not have
compassion on…persons who do not know the difference between their
right and left hand?”
Jonah 4:11

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“…the Lord is witness between you and the
wife of your youth, against whom you have dealt treacherously…”
Malachi 2:13-17

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“....it is not those who are healthy who
need a physician, but those who are sick. But go and learn what
this means ‘I desire compassion, and not sacrifice’. For I did not
come to call the righteous but sinners to repentance.”
Matthew
9:12-13

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“…whoever causes one of these little ones
who believe in me to stumble...it is better for him…that he be
drowned in the depth of the sea.”
Matthew 18:5-7

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“…he who resists authority has opposed the
ordinance of God…”
Romans 13:1-7

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“…love is the fulfillment of the law…”
Romans 13:8-10

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“…remove the wicked man from among
yourselves.”
I Corinthians 5:9-13

***
“But if anyone does not provide for his
own, especially for those of his household, he has denied the
faith, and is worse than an unbeliever.”
I Timothy 5:8

Chapter 4 - Practical Ways to Help a
Friend

You may have a friend,
relative, co-worker, or neighbor who is being physically abused.
You may have witnessed the violence, heard the arguments, seen the
injuries, or for various reasons merely suspected there was
something wrong. What should you do? Below are practical ways you
can help save lives, heal broken hearts, and perhaps restore
fractured relationships.

***If you see or hear an assault in progress,
CALL 911. Don’t wait! Do not try to physically intervene yourself.
These are violent, criminal, dangerous acts.

***Encourage your friend to fully cooperate with
law enforcement and not take revenge into her own hands.

***Educate yourself about domestic violence.
Simply put, it is about power and control. Period!

***Know that domestic violence is a violent
crime and is never acceptable at any time for any reason. There are
no excuses for relationship violence.

***Help your friend understand that domestic
violence is an abomination to God and nowhere in the Bible does God
ever command nor expect a woman to “submit” to such terror and
brutally, no matter what her abuser may tell her. She has every
right to take appropriate actions to protect and preserve her life
and the lives of her children.

***Help your friend understand the violence is
not her fault and she has done nothing to deserve it. Her abuser is
solely responsible for his actions, both legally and
theologically.

***Let her know she is not alone. Millions of
women from every walk of life have been abused by their intimate
partners.

***If she says she is afraid, believe her!
Encourage her to trust her instincts.

***Encourage your friend to call 911 the first
time violence occurs. She may not get another chance to ask for
help.

***Don’t ignore your own instincts. God has put
you in a position to notice what others may not see or what others
may not be willing to address. Your inaction may result in serious
bodily injury or possibly even death.

***Help your friend recognize the cycles of
violence. Prepare her for the contrition and promises of change to
come from the abuser following a violent outburst. Let her know in
spite of his promises, the violence will continue and escalate
without some kind of crisis intervention: i.e. separation, legal
and pastoral intervention, or prosecution.

***Tell her the truth. Don’t minimize her risk.
Without immediate intervention and long-term counseling the
violence will reoccur.

***If an assault has recently occurred, strongly
encourage her to seek immediate medical attention. Her injuries may
be more serious than she realizes. If appropriate, offer to take
her to the Emergency Room or to a doctor’s office. Be cautious if
taking her to her regular family physician.

***If your friend thinks she is being watched or
followed, or her conversations monitored, they probably are.
Encourage her to use extreme caution. As soon as possible, assist
her in creating a Safety Plan for all contingencies. Encourage her
to notify local law enforcement of her concerns.

***Encourage her to keep a detailed log of all
harassing encounters, phone calls, emails or text messages, or
stalking incidents.

***Explain to her the many ways her actions and
conversations can be monitored in this day of technology. Help her
examine safe ways to use smart phones, GPS tracking systems in her
car, home computer internet usage, baby monitors, Facebook, other
social networking sites, etc. These are easy to monitor and track
without her knowledge. Help her find ways to minimize the risks of
unwanted surveillance.

***Reaffirm your friendship and support. You may
be the only person she has ever confided in about the violence in
her home. Whether or not you agree with her decisions, let her know
you will always be there for her. She needs to know she has
trustworthy Christian allies in this crisis and that she is not
alone.

***Affirm your belief in her intelligence,
value, and decision-making skills. Help her think logically,
step-by-step through her options. Strengthen her problem-solving
abilities, while helping her honestly evaluate the consequences of
each action.

***Don’t rush into providing quick solutions or
offer “pat” answers to the enormous challenges she faces.

***Carefully gather the facts. Ask gentle, but
direct questions. She may be very uncomfortable at first. Let her
know you are not prying, but have serious concerns about her safety
and because you care, are seeking only the truth.

***Be patient as she tells her story. It may be
very difficult for her to honestly share her abusive
experiences.

***Listen without judging. As abused women
usually believe their abusers’ negative messages, your friend
already feels inferior and inadequate. She needs to know she can
safely share her deepest thoughts and emotions without fear of
condemnation or ridicule.

***Unless she is putting herself or her children
in imminent danger, honor her choices, even if you disagree.
Support her. Don’t try to control her.

***Let her know there is help available when she
decides to leave. Give her a listing of the domestic violence
hotlines, shelters, programs, and legal advocacy services in your
area. Look in the Yellow Pages under
“Domestic Violence
Services”
for local information or contact your local police or
sheriff’s department for a list of qualified referral services in
your area.

***Be an advocate for her children. Let them
know you are there for them as well. If appropriate, give them your
phone number in case of emergency. Help the children identify and
obtain appropriate local support services as well.

***If she has a faith-based world-view, help her
understand domestic violence is never acceptable to God. She has
every right to take steps to protect herself and her children.

***Be very aware of your own beliefs, opinions
and theological biases regarding male/female roles, marriage,
domestic violence, separation, divorce and remarriage. Search the
scriptures and ask God to give you new insights into His heart and
mind regarding these issues. Don’t be afraid to let God challenge
your own preconceived spiritual beliefs.

***She may ask your assistance in obtaining a
Temporary Restraining Order, a legal separation or to begin divorce
proceedings. She may ask you to be a material witness to those
proceedings. Prayerfully decide how you will respond should this
occur. No one wants to see a marriage come to an end, nor are most
people willing to idly stand by and watch innocent lives destroyed.
However for many Christians, these can be biblically challenging
requests.

What you must remember is that ultimately, only
your friend knows what she must do to protect her life. And it is
not a sin for her to take all steps she deems necessary to ensure
her safety. Encourage her to seek God’s wisdom from His word, and
pray with her. Then support her decisions regardless of your
personal opinions. Trust that her life is in God’s hands. And trust
that as you pray, God will guide her steps.

***Your friend may need transportation to a safe
shelter in the middle of the night, financial assistance, help
finding a place to live, a place to store her belongings, or
someone to take care of a pet. Ask God how He would have you help
and communicate to her your availability and boundaries.

***She may need temporary safe housing. Shelters
are often full. Decide whether or not you are comfortable bringing
her into your home. If you allow her into your home, take prudent
and appropriate precautions as the situation warrants.

***Avoid judgmental statements like,
“I can’t
believe you stayed so long!” “It can’t be all that bad!” “He is
such a good Christian man. He’d never do anything like that!” “You
know, God hates divorce.”
All such statements only reinforce
the abusers messages that she is in fact “crazy”; that something is
really wrong with her; and that she is the primary “problem” in the
relationship, not the abuser’s violence.

***Maintain confidentiality at all times, unless
lives are in danger. This statement cannot be overemphasized! Avoid
gossip. A careless word on your part could put her life in further
peril. You must guard against letting information about her
situation “slip” to her abuser, other family members, her children
or their friends, at church, in prayer meetings, or in a Bible
Study group or perhaps even to church leadership.

***If you know both parties in the relationship
you need to be very careful when communicating with the spouse or
abuser, as you may unwittingly put your friend at risk. You may
need to avoid contact with him for a time, until you are certain
your friend is in a safe environment.

***If your friend decides to remain in or return
to an abusive relationship, decide on a secret code that will not
arouse suspicion which she can use to communicate to you she is in
imminent danger and wants you to call the police on her behalf.
Assure her that if she ever gives you the secret code, you
will immediately call 911.

***If your friend decides to remain in the home
in spite of the violence, get her a copy of a “Safety Plan”
available on many websites providing battered women’s services.
Then set a time to help her answer each question and think through
the steps she can take to save her life during a violent episode.
Make sure she keeps the Safety Plan hidden from her abuser.

***When she is ready to leave the home, remind
her to take important papers with her, such as driver’s license,
birth certificates, passports, verification of citizenship, green
cards, checkbooks, bank and credit card statements, mortgage
documents, medical records, school records, wills, health insurance
documents, etc. Help her obtain legal copies of these documents so
their absence will not look suspicious in the interim.