How to Handle a Scandal (25 page)

He leaned back against the floor. “Come here.”

She dragged her skirts up and climbed across his legs to straddle him. When she sank down onto him, she nearly expired with pleasure. He filled his hands with her breasts.

A stiff, chilly breeze blew through the place, bringing out goose bumps on the bare parts of their heated skin and whirling leaves past them forcefully, adding to the wildness of their mating.

She clenched around him as her own passion built, not holding anything back. Together they cried out their release, burying their faces against each other’s necks to muffle the sound in the quiet little house.

He held her as she lay across him, still warm from their lovemaking, but it wasn’t long before the cold made itself fully felt. She sat back on her heels and put her dress to rights while he buttoned his breeches.

“It’s such hard work, this baby-making,” he said, dropping a kiss on her forehead.

As they walked back across the wilds in the near-dark, the manor now lit up cozily before them with the glow of many candles, she finally forced herself to stop avoiding what she hadn’t want to acknowledge: she loved him.

What they’d just done had felt beautiful and meaningful to her as nothing else could. What she felt for Tommy was the profound connection she’d been missing for what seemed like her entire life. And that was because he was so infinitely special to her. Because she loved him.

She glanced at him, wondering if his face might hint that he felt anything similar, that their lovemaking might have meant as much to him as it had to her. But his expression was unreadable.

Could he be thinking of changing his mind? She didn’t feel she could ask. She didn’t
want
to ask. But she needed to know.

She didn’t have to say anything, though, because his next words answered her unspoken question.

“I’m going to miss having you around when I go,” he said.

Not, she noticed, “I’m going to miss
you
.”

Having her around entertained him, but that was all. She absorbed it like a blow.

She knew he cared for her—that he cared about her needs and what happened to her. He certainly wanted her body, and he obviously enjoyed her company. But that wasn’t enough for her. There was nothing deeper for him where she was concerned, and he didn’t want there to be. His heart was set on grander things, on the world beyond the domestic. She would never be enough for him.

So he was still going to leave, and alone. Pride helped her force out a light reply.

“I’ll send you a letter now and again, and kiss the paper before I put it in the envelope.”

He chuckled, which wasn’t the response her foolish heart so desperately craved, but she knew how things had to be.

If only she could make all the feelings she had for Tommy disappear. Then she truly wouldn’t care what the future brought. But pretending all this time that she didn’t care had been a fool’s game.

She reminded herself that she was the one who’d proposed the baby plan, so it was wrong of her to feel unhappy now that it wasn’t anything more than fun to him. The more she tried to push down her unwanted feelings, though, the more fiercely they seemed to rise up. Maybe that was because love was supposed to be a happy, bubbling-up feeling, but loving Tommy wasn’t making her happy.

The baby plan had seemed like such a good idea. The playfulness and pleasure they’d shared had been irresistible, and her own desire for a baby was so strong that it had been easy for her to throw caution to the wind. But she hadn’t been honest with herself when she’d made that proposal. Even then, she’d been falling for him, and the intimacy they’d shared had only pulled her deeper.

Now she could see how much getting closer to Tommy was going to cost her when they parted. Tommy was about keeping things light and moving on to the next adventure. Hadn’t he disappeared for six years without a backward glance? He was very good at fun, but committing himself? No.

Dear God, she hadn’t been trying to
earn
his love all this time, had she?

Had she somehow thought that giving herself to him would make him want her in a forever way, just as she’d once tried to earn love through beauty and flirting, and then by striving to be virtuous? The thought sickened her, but she didn’t shy away from the truth of it.

When she discovered later that day that her courses had arrived, she knew it was time to take steps to protect her heart.

“Did it really have to be this early?” Will asked the next morning as he and Tommy strode over the wilds toward the sagging gardener’s shed that stood at the east side of the property. He was carrying a lantern against the early dawn darkness. “I left a warm woman to come out here and see my breath.”

Tommy shifted the largish chest he was carrying to get a better grip on it. The thing was heavier than he would have thought it would be. He’d found it in the cellar and knew it would make an ideal treasure chest. “This kind of thing keeps you from going soft as you age. Besides, if we did this much later, the youth would be up and they’d certainly see us, even if they never left the breakfast room.”

“I’ll give you that,” Will said. “Children have a way of finding out secrets. So, have you heard anything from Rex’s aunt yet?”

“Still nothing, though my man thought he would catch up with the troupe shortly.”

“Rex isn’t the most agreeable of boys,” Will said, “but he’s been good to Heck and Vic. They’ve already begun wishing that we didn’t have to leave in three days. No amount of reminding them how good it will be to return to their own home at Stillwell will convince them that leaving Hellfire Hall will be anything short of a tragedy.”

They reached the garden shed. The door to the ancient structure was warped, and Tommy had to give it a ferocious jerk before it finally moved, scraping the ground and whining on its rusty hinges. A thick, musty cloud of dust wafted out.

“I hope that’s not the powdered remains of a decomposing pirate,” Tommy said.

Will waved at the air to clear it and went in first, the light from the door providing the only illumination in the shadowy space.

“If this place collapses on me,” Will said, “tell Anna that Heck must go to Eton when the time’s right and Vic should be educated in Latin, Greek, and maths.”

Tommy laughed. “Since I’m right behind you, they’ll be digging both our bodies out at the same time and scratching their heads over what the devil we were doing here at the crack of dawn. So at least we can perish knowing we left them guessing.”

Will tripped over a wheelbarrow that had been left upside down on the floor. “Good lord, did the brigands just open the door and fling things in here?”

“Probably,” Tommy said. “I can’t imagine them caring about tidiness or hiring a gardener. Ah”—he bent over a pile of tools—“we’re in luck.” He grabbed two pickaxes. “These should make short work of that packed dirt.”

They made their way out of the shed, collecting the shovels the children had left outside, and Will followed Tommy to a spot he’d chosen. “Just what is this treasure we’re burying anyway?” Will said.

“Some interesting things I found around the house.”

“The children have been working hard. I hope they manage to find the treasure before we have to leave.”

“They should. They’re making steady progress through the map clues.” Though Tommy didn’t want to think about it, he was going to miss them all when they went.

“This treasure-hunt business has kept Heck and Vic more entertained than anything has in months,” Will said. “Having them so happily occupied has left me and Anna more time for…other pursuits.”

“I’m glad for you, but don’t tell me any more,” Tommy said, shuddering a bit. “Anna is a mother—and my sister-in-law.”

“Motherhood isn’t the end of sensual things for a woman, you know.”

“Shh!” Tommy insisted. “Not one more word.”

Will chuckled.

The treasure spot located, they put the lantern on the ground and got down to work. The dirt was truly packed, and they toiled in silence for several minutes, the morning quiet except for the thunks they were making.

Will grunted as he slammed his pickax into the ground. “Remind me why you didn’t have the footmen do this while we distracted the children.”

“Because if I asked the footmen, there would be the danger of the truth leaking out.”

“You’re certainly taking this treasure hunt seriously. We must be approaching the level of cloak-and-daggering of your work in India.”

Tommy snorted. “Almost.”

When they’d finally managed to loosen the ground, they switched to the shovels the children had been using.

“So,” Will said, “what are you doing?”

“Digging a hole,” Tommy said.

He could feel the disgusted look his brother shot him in the shadowy light. “I
mean
what are you doing with Eliza?”

Tommy gave an inward sigh. After the initial conversation with Will and Anna, neither of them had said anything else on the subject to him or Eliza, and he’d thought that perhaps they’d accepted what he and Eliza had said. But he should have known better.

“We’re a pair of newlyweds who are playing host to a collection of house guests. I’d say we’re doing quite well.”

Will slung a shovel full of dirt to the side. “You
are
doing quite well. That’s my point. And only a blind man could fail to notice the smoking looks that pass between you.”

“And there’s a problem with that? Isn’t it to be hoped that spouses will like each other?”

“The problem,” Will said, sounding as though his teeth were clenched, “is that you have a splendid woman as a wife, and you’re planning to abandon her for who knows how long so that you can make a dangerous voyage to a dangerous country. All for the sake of adventure.”

“Thanks,” Tommy said, slamming his shovel into the earth. “Thanks for reducing my work to a frivolous entertainment.”

Will expelled a breath and stood up. The first streaks of dawn were beginning to show on the horizon, threading the darkness with gray light. “I’m very proud of what you’ve accomplished in India, as should you be. But doesn’t there come a time to put our own quest for glory aside and put more of our energies into the people in our lives?”

Tommy leaned on his shovel. “Marriage has worked out well for you. You and Anna are very lucky.”

“It’s not just luck, you know. There’s a great deal of work involved in making a marriage work.” Will paused. “Does your distrust of marriage have anything to do with what happened between Father and Mother, and how he had the affair with Judith?”

Tommy turned to thrust his shovel in the dirt again. “I’m not a child, Will. I know that people make mistakes.” It was, he thought, what they mostly seemed to do.

And how could he trust himself not to stumble? His own deeply moral father had done so. Mistakes had costs, and life offered the greatest suffering to people who were attached to others.

He thrust his shovel into the dirt to avoid looking at his brother. The light was growing, and he could easily guess that Will’s face held an expression he didn’t want to see. “Just because it’s all worked out neatly for you,” he said, “doesn’t mean I want to do things the same way.”

“You forfeited the right to decide what to do for yourself when you married Eliza. It’s your responsibility to consider what will be best for her as well, just as she must care about what happens to you.”

Tommy did care about Eliza. More than made him comfortable, actually, because he was finding himself a little addicted to her—to the pleasure of their stolen moments, but also to the sound of her laughter and her warmth. She had a way of making him feel happy, even though he saw the feeling for what it was: a fool’s trap.

He was clear-eyed, just as she’d been when she’d proposed her plan, and they both knew this would all shortly come to an end. If he sometimes found himself wishing to prolong their time together, he pushed the feelings away, knowing they would only lead to bad choices.

“I care about what happens to her, Will. Quite a bit actually, not that that’s anyone’s affair but mine and hers. I just haven’t worked out all the details yet.”

“You’re leaving for India in a few weeks, unless you’ve changed your mind.”

The sound of a twig snapping drew their attention toward the direction of the house. Apparently they’d been too busy arguing to register the arrival of Eliza. She was standing there with a small tray that held two glasses of what looked like lemonade.

“Er,” she said. “I’m afraid I’ve been eavesdropping a little. Accidentally. But—”

“You don’t have to explain anything,” Will said tersely. “This is between Tommy and me.”

“How could it possibly be between you two when you’re talking about my marriage?” she asked.

“Because he’s my brother and I think he’s completely wrong for wanting to leave.” Will turned to him. “You’re very good at fun and adventure, Tommy. But there’s a hell of a lot more to life.”

“I know that,” Tommy said through clenched teeth. Hadn’t he buried more friends than his brother, thanks to the dangers of India? Hadn’t he lost his parents while he was still growing? If he’d learned that it was better to choose to be happy than to let darkness take him, how dare Will criticize him?

“What happened between me and Tommy—it’s not what you think,” Eliza said. She glanced at Tommy, but he gave her nothing. Couldn’t she see it was better not to talk about this? “Tommy felt he had to marry me.”

“
What?
” Will’s face darkened instantly.

“Eliza,” Tommy said, warning in his voice, “this isn’t necessary.”

“Yes, it is,” she insisted. “I won’t have Will thinking badly of you when I’m the one at fault.” She turned to Will. “I was at a brothel called Madame Persaud’s,” she began.

“You were
wher
e
?”

And then she told him everything, leaving out the details but giving him a true picture of what had happened even as Will’s face darkened. “A few weeks later, I realized I was increasing.”

Will’s eyebrows shot up. “Eliza? You’re going to have a baby?” he said, a note of joy exploding in his voice. That joy tugged at Tommy, trying to seduce him into being happy that she might now be increasing again, even though he knew he wouldn’t be in England for a baby.

“I lost the baby right after we married.”

There was silence as Will took in everything that had been said.

But Will’s initial joy had done something to Tommy, and now he found himself pushing away images of Eliza big with the child they might already have made anew, of his baby sleeping at her shoulder while he watched the two of them.

He couldn’t allow himself to be trapped by the idea that such a future would work out with happy tidiness, though. Life wasn’t tidy, and you couldn’t trust it not to take away everything you wanted.

And yet, if there was a baby after all, Eliza would be happy. His own life in India would be filled with difficulties and hardships, but at least she would be in England, secure and happy with their baby, and…he liked that idea. Making love to her had been amazing, but through it all, he’d never thought once about what it might be like if she really had a baby. Of how, actually, he would really like to think of Eliza and a baby waiting for him in England.

Will turned to Tommy. “You had intimate relations with her at that brothel,” he ground out, “and you two were barely speaking to each other afterward, weren’t you?”

“The minute I knew who she was,” Tommy said tightly, “I insisted she let me know if there were any consequences. And as soon as she told me she was increasing, I insisted we marry.”

But Will wasn’t interested in Tommy’s sacrifice. “The best you could do when you found out who she was that night at the brothel was to say, ‘Let me know if there’s a problem’? What about going to visit her? What about getting to know her again as the person she is now?”

Tommy’s face turned darker. “Don’t,” he said through clenched teeth.

“Or was that too much to ask because what you two had done was a complication you didn’t want in your carefree bachelor existence?”

“That’s enough!” Tommy said, his fists clenching.

But Will wasn’t done. “I don’t think it is, considering the way you’re approaching your marriage.”

“Stop!” Eliza said. “
Please
stop, both of you.” She turned to Will. “I only told you what happened because I want you to stop pressing Tommy to stay. He was the one who insisted we marry once I knew I was expecting. I had been determined to raise the child on my own.”

Will groaned. “That would never have worked.”

“I know that now. But Tommy’s behaved quite well, and I won’t have you maligning him.” Something warm poured over Tommy’s heart at her selfless words, but he couldn’t afford to think about what it might be. “He and I have an understanding between us. And we’re the only people who need to agree about what goes on in our marriage.”

Will pressed his mouth into a grim line. Tommy looked away.

“Very well,” Will said. “I will say no more to either of you, save this: you have a chance at happiness together. Don’t squander it.”

There followed a heavy silence that no one seemed inclined to break, until Tommy finally said, “Is that lemonade?”

“Yes,” Eliza said with what sounded like relief, and handed them each a glass. “Are you almost done here? The children will be awake soon.”

Tommy downed half the glass of lemonade in one swallow, grateful for the mundane actions that would put the awkwardness behind them.

She insisted she could do a better job than they could at making the treasure sight look undisturbed, and by the time the three of them were done a little later, the ground looked no different than the surrounding area.

* * *

Eliza and Tommy stopped by the shed to put the tools away while Will continued on toward the manor.

“You didn’t have to do that,” he said, closing the door behind them once the tools were stowed. “Telling Will. I can manage my brother.”

“I know that,” she said. “But it’s better this way.”

He just grunted. “Why didn’t you come to my room last night? I stopped by your bedchamber when Louie and I finished with cards and knocked, but there was no answer.”

She’d heard his soft knock and heard him call her name quietly, but she’d pretended to be asleep. She’d come to a decision after their time in the summerhouse, and the conversation she and Tommy and Will had just had only made her more certain that her best hope for her future lay in making choices that had nothing to do with trying to earn anyone’s love. She’d swung wildly between being a scandal and being a prude, but maybe now she was finally learning the value of a middle path.