How to Develop a Perfect Memory (9 page)

I translate names of roads, pubs and other landmarks into memorable images

— exaggerated, colourful, bizarre - which are then incorporated in my round.

As I said earlier, I personally imagine myself standing at the first tee at East Herts golf course.

1. Left into Western Avenue

To remember 'left', I imagine driving a wild hook off to the left-hand side of the first fairway (not unusual for me). To remember 'Western Avenue', I picture a hostile, action-packed scene of cowboys and Indians engaged in mortal combat on the spot where the ball has landed.

2. Right into Cannonsgate Road

This time I imagine slicing the ball way over to the right-hand side. It's going to be a tricky one to play: the ball has disappeared straight down the shaft of an old cannon that is leaning on a gate.

3. Third exit off the roundabout

Roundabouts are always represented by greens, and I remember the exit by the number of putts it takes to sink the ball. My putting has always let me down and today is no exception: I three putt at the first. Alternatively, I could imagine myself standing handcuffed to the flag. Handcuffs are the number shape for 3.

4. T-junction: right into Station Road

The T-junction automatically takes me to the next tee, where I promptly slice the ball again to the right. Unlike most slices, however, the ball doesn't disappear into thick undergrowth. I imagine it landing on a station platform and bouncing mercilessly through the crowd, scattering terrified commuters in all directions.

5. Pass Red Lion Pub on the left

My next shot lands in a nasty bunker to the left of the green. As I approach, I see a ferocious red lion guarding the ball. He is prowling round and round it, looking distinctly menacing. I think I'll concede the hole.

6. T-junction left: into Braintree Road

At the next tee, it's another hook, I am afraid. The ball skews off to the left of the fairway by a tree — a very thoughtful tree, as it happens. Looking up, I am amazed to see a large brain wedged between two of its branches. The Tree of Knowledge, no less. This will make a fine story back at the clubhouse

(zzzzzzzzzzzzzz...)

7. Straight on for four miles

At last! My game is coming together. I hit the ball straight down the middle of the fairway with my four iron. (Once again, I could also incorporate a numbers-shape, in this case a yacht, to remember four miles.)

8. Second set of traffic lights: turn right

My next shot lands in the rough on the right. Ahead of me, I imagine a large traffic light, rising out of a inconveniently positioned lake. A swan is swimming round the pole, as if protecting it. A swan is the number-shape for 2.

9. First exit off roundabout into Warren Way

My green play is improving: I single putt the next shot. But it's not only the length of the putt that is impressive. The green is crowded with rabbits from a nearby warren. Alternatively, I imagine that the flag has turned into a telegraph pole (the number-shape for 1) to remind me that it's the first exit. Not surprisingly, I prefer to putt at roundabouts when it's the first exit.

10. Sixth house on the left: Blacksmith Cottage

Finally, I hit a six iron off to the left of the next fairway, and watch, in disbe-lief, as it lands in the furnace of a blacksmith who has set up shop on the course. Alternatively, I picture an elephant (number-shape for 6) being fitted with a shoe by a blacksmith.

They may be surreal, crazy images, but I bet I arrive at the supper engagement before you do.

10

LEARNING THE

TWENTIETH

CENTURY CALENDAR

Sunday's child is bonny, good, blithe and gay

Monday's child is fair of face

Tuesday's child is full of grace

Wednesday's child is full of woe

Thursday's child has far to go

Friday's child is loving and giving

Saturday's child works hard for a living

On the 11 September 1978, a Bulgarian playwright named Georgie Markov

was queuing at a bus stop on the Embankment in London. He was on his way to Bush House on the Strand, where he worked as a translator for the BBC's World Service. Shortly before his bus arrived, he felt a sharp jab in the back of his leg. Witnesses said they saw a man walking off in a hurry, carrying an umbrella. Four days later, Markov was dead. The police suspected poisoning.

I was recently reminded of this notorious assassination by a magazine

article on the Bulgarian secret police. As I read it, I tried to picture the scene: why was he poisoned at a bus stop? Was there anything relevant about the date? I knew in an instant that Markov was stabbed on a Monday. It was a small point, but it helped to set the scene for me. He was a normal commuter, going to work like the rest of us. But what a tragic start to the week!

I knew it was a Monday because I have 'learnt' the twentieth-century calendar. I could similarly tell you in an instant what day of the week it was on 19

August 1905 (Saturday), or 22 December 1948 (Wednesday); and I know what day it will be on 1 January 1998 (Thursday).

It's an extremely useful skill to acquire, one that I personally use all the time. It's also a very entertaining party trick. As part of my stage show, I ask someone to tell me their date of birth; before they've had time to say, 'It's a con!', I have told them which day of the week they were born on, and which famous people they share their birthdays with. Surprisingly, there is very little to learn; you have already done most of the work in previous chapters.

THE PARTY

Imagine that today is your birthday. As a present, a friend has organized a surprise party for you. You come home from work to find that your house has been taken over by 100 guests, a mixture of friends, relatives, and famous people.

The guest list bears an uncanny resemblance to the people you memorized

for the DOMINIC SYSTEM. This time, however, the characters represent

years, from 1900 to 1999. Take Benny Hill, for example (or your equivalent character suggested by BH). Using the DOMINIC SYSTEM, he represents

1928 (2 = B; 8 = H). Or Betty Boothroyd, the Speaker of the House of

Commons. She represents 1922 (2
=
B; 2
=
B).

The house is too small to accommodate all the guests in one room, so your friend has allocated each person to a particular room, and told everyone to stay there for the whole evening. One group has even been banished to the garden.

As far as possible, they have been spread evenly; some areas have fourteen people and some fifteen. I will tell you in a moment who has been allocated where.

THE METHOD

When someone tells me a date, I make an instant and simple calculation. The date is broken down into its component parts, year, month, and day, and I give each one a basic numerical code (anything between 0 and 6). I then add them together to work out the day of the week. The party scene you have just

imagined is an easy way of remembering the relevant codes.

THE YEAR CODE

The setting for your party should consist of six rooms and your garden. Each area must be distinct and have familiar associations: furniture, pictures, windows. It doesn't have to be your own house. You might prefer to chose your place of work, a health club, a school, your parents' home. It is important, however, that you use the location solely for calculating the twentieth-century calendar.

Allocate to each room a number between 0 and 6. As the garden is not a

room, we will call it zero. I suggest that you use the simple number-shape method to remember the other numbers.

AREA

NUMBER

SHAPE

ASSOCIATION

Garden

0

Football

Playing in the garden.

Bedroom

1

Telegraph pole

BT have erected an

unsightly pole outside

your bedroom

window.

Spare room

2

Swan

A rather tasteless

porcelain swan

ornament sits on the

dresser (that's why it is

in the spare room).

Staircase

3

Handcuffs

I always keep these

handy at the top of the

stairs in case I have to

arrest an unwelcome

intruder.

Lounge

4

Sail boat

The seascape oil painting above the fireplace

depicts a sailing boat.

Kitchen

5

Curtain hook

Why are the curtains

drawn in the kitchen?

Bathroom

6

Elephant's trunk

An elephant's trunk

(downstairs)

acts as a shower

attachment (another

tasteless feature, I am

afraid.)

The next stage is to work out where each person has been allocated. This will give you the all-important code number (between 0 and 6) for the year you have been asked. If someone says they were born in 1972, for example, you need to know that George Bush (GB = 72) is in the bathroom, which gives you the code 6.

ROOM ALLOCATION

Here is a list of the people who have gathered in the garden, and the years they represent. Needless to say, you should use your own characters - a mixture of personal acquaintances and celebrities. For the purposes of demonstration, however, I will use the people on the list in Chapter 4.

Garden: Code number 0 (football)

Olive Oyl

1900

Eamon Andrews

1951

Omar Sharif

1906

Ebeneezer Scrooge

1956

Alec Guiness

1917

Seve Ballesteros

1962

Bill Clinton

1923

Gerry Cottle

1973

Benny Hill

1928

Gamal Nasser

1979

Christopher Dean

1934

Humphrey Davey

1984

Duke Ellington

1945

Nick Owen

1990

Imagine each person in a different part of your garden. Make people interact, and incorporate the actions you gave them in the DOMINIC SYSTEM. Omar

Sharif is playing backgammon with Ebeneezer Scrooge. Gerry Cottle is swinging on a trapeze at the end of the garden above Benny Hill's milkfloat. Bill Clinton is being interviewed by Nick Owen, who is sitting on a sofa. Seve Ballesteros is demonstrating his golf swing to Eamon Andrews, who is more interested in reading out his life story from the famous red book.

Use all your senses. Hear the scraping noise of Christopher Dean skating around and around on a frozen puddle. And remember the number code. It is not a room, so the code is zero (number-shape = football). Imagine a large football in the garden.

Now move inside the house to the bedroom, where another group of guests

are entertaining themselves.

Bedroom: Code number 1 (telegraph pole)

Ossie Ardiles

1901

Elizabeth Goddard

1957

Organ Grinder

1907

Sean Connery

1963

Alastair Burnet

1912

Sherlock Holmes

1968

Adolf Hitler

1918

Gerard Depardieu

1974

Barry Norman

1929

Harry Enfield

1985

Clint Eastwood

1935

Neil Armstrong

1991

Dominic O'Brien

1940

Nigel Short

1996

Delia Smith

1946

I always find it fascinating to imagine the conversations that would ensue at this sort of party. What, for example, do you suppose Clint Eastwood is saying to Adolf Hitler ('Go ahead punk, make my day!') Barry Norman is filming

Gerard Depardieu's sword. Sherlock Holmes is fascinated by Neil Armstrong's spacesuit, examining it with a magnifying glass. Delia Smith is showing me how to cook. And Nigel Short is teaching Sean Connery a thing or two about chess, although Connery has a gun trained on him under the table.

You can have great fun imagining scenes, but remember to link each character to their particular room. Imagine Alastair Burnet looking out of your bedroom window and reading the news; the chess match is taking place on

your dressing table; the cables from Barry Norman's cameras are wrapped

around your standard lamp. Incorporate little details about the room; Harry Enfield is complaining about your wallpaper ('You didn't want to choose a colour like that.') And don't forget the room code is 1. Incorporate the number-shape (a telegraph pole) into the scene.

Here are the remaining rooms, the corresponding years and codes. Once you have assigned everyone to his or her respective room, you have got the code number for any year from 1900 to 1999.

Spare Room: Code Number 2 (swan)

1902, 1913, 1919, 1924, 1930, 1941, 1947, 1952, 1958, 1969, 1975, 1980,

1986, 1997

Stairway and Hall: Code number 3 (handcuffs)

1903, 1908, 1914, 1925, 1931, 1936, 1942, 1953, 1959, 1964, 1970, 1981,

1987, 1992, 1998

Lounge: Code number 4 (sailboat)

1909, 1915, 1920, 1926, 1937, 1943, 1948, 1954, 1965, 1971, 1976, 1982,

1993, 1999

Kitchen: Code Number 5 (curtain hook)

1904, 1910, 1921, 1927, 1932, 1938, 1949, 1955, 1960, 1966, 1977, 1983,

1988, 1994

Downstairs Bathroom: Code number 6 (elephant's trunk)

1905, 1911, 1916, 1922, 1933, 1939, 1944, 1950, 1961, 1967, 1972, 1978,

1989, 1995

THE MONTH CODE

The second stage is to get a numerical code for the month. Here is a list of the numbers for each month:

January

1

July

0

February

4

August

3

March

4

September 6

April

0

October

1

May

2

November 4

June

5

December 6

They are not difficult to remember. I suggest you use the number-shape

method as an aide-memoire. Exercise your imagination to create a relevant image. Listed below are a few suggestions: