How to Be Single (28 page)

The whole restaurant was now looking at us. I didn't really want to answer.

“Exactly. It doesn't exist,” Sarah said, banging her fist on the table. “
It doesn't exist
. So what if I give him and his family money? So what? He loves me. That's all anyone needs to know.
He loves me.
”

The bill came and Thomas paid it faster than I've ever seen anyone pay a check, and we made a quick exit.

As we walked down the road, I felt a little shaky. I walked faster. I couldn't get away from them quickly enough. To me, she truly was a desperate woman. Desperate for the world to see them as a true couple. And desperate not to allow herself to see that the man who has loved her better than any man she has ever known is doing it as a part-time job.
In my opinion.

This past week had been a miracle; I had been so happy that I prayed to the gods, Hindu and otherwise, for it to never end. When I thought about going back to my life of concrete sidewalks and appointments and lunches and unemployment, of dates and parties, it took everything in me not to start shrieking. If Thomas had asked me to stay there with him for the rest of my life, never live near my family or friends again, just stay there and build a life with him in Bali, I would have said
yes yes yes
in a heartbeat. It's like he had opened up this little trap door in my heart, one that was covered all those years by a bookcase and rugs, and he unleashed more need in me than I ever thought I possessed. All I wanted to do at that moment was fling myself at his feet and beg him to never ever leave me.

Instead, I just kept walking. Fast.

We went back to our little villa and immediately collapsed into our lush canopied bed. We wrapped our arms around each other and started kissing, our bodies pressed tightly against each other.

Back in the States

It's never a good thing when both people in the relationship are depressed. It's extremely helpful always to have one person capable of comforting and bucking up the other at any given moment. Serena and Ruby weren't in what you might consider a classic intimate relationship, but Serena was sleeping on Ruby's sofa, and both of them were having a hard time getting out of bed. This particular morning, Serena woke up and for a moment had completely forgotten her quick stint as a swami—until she sleepily ran her fingers through her long blond hair and realized that it wasn't there anymore. Then, she started to cry.

Ruby was in the other room having a nightmare about the last pit bull that she'd hugged before he was taken away. His big brown eyes looked so…unsuspecting. She woke up, sobbing into her pillow. If someone had slipped into Ruby's apartment they would have been able to hear them both in a muffled fugue of sorrow.

Finally, Ruby stopped crying, realizing she was awake. As she lay collecting her thoughts, she heard Serena's quiet sobs from the living room. She was confused as to what to do. All she knew about Serena was that she had decided to shave her head and join a yogi convent after getting her stomach pumped for alcohol and chicken wings. She wasn't sure exactly how well she wanted to get to know Serena. But Serena was crying in Ruby's home.

So Ruby got up out of bed. She was wearing flannel pajamas with pictures of tiny dogs on them. She put on her fuzzy white slippers and walked out of her bedroom and down the hall. Vanilla was in the hallway, rubbing up against Ruby's leg. Serena heard Ruby walking toward her and quickly clammed up. There's nothing worse than a stranger seeing you cry. If there's one single reason to live without roommates it's that you can cry in private. Serena pretended she was asleep, hoping Ruby would go away. But Ruby stood by the pullout bed. She waited a moment, then whispered.

“Serena, are you okay?”

Serena moved around a bit. “Oh, yeah,” she said, fake-groggily. “I'm fine.”

“If you need anything, let me know, okay?”

“Okay. Sure.” Ruby then padded down the hallway and got back into her bed. As she pulled the comforter over her head, she thought,
This is what my home has become. Sad Girl Land.
Then Ruby started daydreaming. Which is something she did a lot. In fact, during her darkest times, it's the thing that always managed to keep her going. Daydreaming of a better life. On this particular day, for some reason, she began to daydream about what her morning would be like if she had a small child in her home. She wouldn't have time to stay in her fluffy bed with her downy pillows. She would have gotten up already to fix breakfast and make up the lunch box and get her child dressed and ready for school. Instead of that idea exhausting her, it made her smile. Ruby realized she couldn't wait for the day when she didn't have the time to think about herself. It was then that she realized this really was such a day. Serena may not have been seven, but she was in need. She was depressed and crying, and if Ruby remembered correctly, Serena was meeting with her old boss in about an hour. This morning, Ruby could be of help. She threw off her comforter, jumped out of bed, and padded back down the hall. Serena was no longer crying, but she was in a fetal position, her arms cradling her head, covering her eyes, breathing softly.

“Serena. Can I get you anything? Some tea or coffee? Maybe an egg or something?”

Serena just shook her head into her arms. Ruby stood there, not knowing exactly what should happen next. She thought about what mothers do in this type of situation. They wouldn't take no for an answer. That's what they would do. They would go make something even after the person had refused all help or comfort. So Ruby turned back around and went into the kitchen. She poured some water into her teakettle, turned a burner on, and set the kettle down. She then opened up her cabinet and perused. She assumed Serena was a tea drinker, being the yogi she was. Ruby remembered that she had bought a box of green tea once, in her one attempt to start drinking it for its amazing antioxidant attributes, even though no one had ever successfully explained to her what an antioxidant was. She reached deep into the shelf and pulled out the green tea and, when the kettle whistled, made Serena a cup. Ruby opened a little container of Fage (a thick, tasty Greek yogurt) and got a spoon. She walked back to Serena, deciding to push the intimacy a bit by sitting right on the bed. She touched Serena's arm.

“Would you like a cup of green tea? It's right here.”

No answer. Ruby's instincts were kicking in and she knew to just wait. After a moment, Serena slowly pushed herself up and leaned against the back of the sofa bed. Ruby thought that, with her shaved little head and her puffy eyes, Serena looked an awful lot like a baby ostrich.

“Thanks, Ruby. I appreciate it,” Serena said weakly. She took the green tea and sipped it. Hallelujah. Ruby felt her heart swell with maternal pride. “Do you want to talk about it?” asked Ruby.

Serena looked down into her tea and didn't speak. “I just had no idea how nice it felt to be in love.” The corner of Serena's lips started turning down and tears formed in her eyes. “It made me so stupid.”

Ruby took Serena's hand and just softly said, “I'm so sorry, sweetie.”

Serena continued. “And then it wasn't even real. It was all a fake. So how could I have even been in love if it was all a lie? Was I so desperate to be in love that I just made it all up?”

Ruby truly didn't know what to say. But she tried to be helpful. “Maybe this was just a rehearsal. Maybe you needed this one to open you up to be in love with someone who's worthy.”

Serena glanced at the container in Ruby's hand.

“What is that?”

“It's Greek yogurt with honey. Really thick and yummy. Want to try?”

Serena nodded subtly. Ruby dipped the spoon into the yogurt and held it out for Serena to take. But instead, Serena leaned in and opened her mouth, as if holding the spoon would take more energy than she had. Ruby placed the spoon in Serena's mouth. Serena smiled. “That's good.”

“Don't you have a meeting soon?” Ruby asked gently.

Serena nodded slowly. She took a deep breath. “I guess I should get up.”

But before Serena swung her legs out of the bed to get up, she looked at Ruby.

“Thank you, Ruby.”

Ruby smiled. She was good at this.

After Serena left, Ruby started thinking that maybe there was a way around this whole single-motherhood issue. She realized that maybe she didn't have to do it alone. There were many ways to get a father into this situation. As she walked down the street to her office, which was conveniently just blocks away, she started thinking about who could possibly knock her up. It came to her instantly. Her friends Dennis and Gary. They were her friends with the most stable relationship she knew of. They had been together three years and lived in a beautiful loft on Eighteenth Street in Chelsea. Ruby lived on the Upper West Side—but she would be happy to move to Chelsea so they could share parenting duties. She thought she remembered them talking about having children one day. She couldn't believe she didn't think of it before. They were the two most nurturing people she'd ever met. Often, one person in a couple is the really sweet one, and the other is more the “bad cop” kind. But with Dennis and Gary, they are both so caring that when you go to their house you feel like you've entered a magical bed and breakfast where everything is soft and cozy and your every need is taken care of. Ruby met Gary when he lived next door to her five years ago, and they've been close ever since. When Dennis came along, he and Ruby liked each other immediately. They got together fairly often, one big happy family. Ruby started playing it out in her mind. She would have primary custody of the baby, but they could be around as much as they wanted. And best of all, she wouldn't have just one dad for her kid, she'd have two. She would have the freedom to go out and still have a life, because Dennis and Gary would be there to take the child. Maybe they could even find apartments in the same building.

Ruby wondered exactly how this would all happen. Whose actual sperm would it be? Gary or Dennis? They're both deeply good-looking, both ridiculously fit. Dennis is a little more stocky than Gary. But Gary has terrible eyesight. But Dennis is starting to lose his hair. But Gary was her friend first; maybe it would be better if it was Dennis's child, so he wouldn't feel left out. She had read somewhere that sometimes male couples mix the sperm together and play a semen version of Russian roulette. Ruby could see it all. The child in a BabyBjörn carrier, dressed all in pink. Or blue. Ruby carrying the blue or pink baby around, as it gurgled and babbled. The blue or pink baby walking around the apartment, she and Dennis and Gary clapping and laughing. And then maybe she'd meet someone. And that someone would think she's so cool with her crazy, modern clan and he'd fit right in. Maybe he'd have kids of his own and they'd be this kooky progressive mixed family. She loved the idea so much she couldn't wait another moment. She pulled out her cell phone and made a date to see Dennis and Gary for lunch.

On the day of the lunch, Ruby had decided to dress “maternally.” She wore a loose-fitting peasant blouse, loose pants, and a cute pair of flats. The way the blouse fit, she almost looked pregnant already and that was exactly the plan: Let Dennis and Gary see what it would be like if she was already carrying their child. How soft and womanly and maternal she could be. Unfortunately, she wasn't sure how soft anyone would seem amid the clamor of hipsters eating salads and burgers, yelling over the throbbing music.

They told her to meet them at Cafeteria, which, upon arrival, Ruby realized was a misstep. Cafeteria is possibly the noisiest restaurant in New York City. With the combination of the loud techno music and the din of the diners it was like trying to have lunch in the middle of a rave.

Ruby was nervous; she had never had this kind of conversation before. She had never even asked a guy out; she didn't believe in it and never had to resort to it. Now, she wasn't just going to propose marriage, but rather something that you could never take back. It would be a decision that would bond them together for the rest of their lives. More than that, she was about to have the nerve to ask these uber-caregivers if they thought she was good enough to be the mother of their child.

They arrived. Gary was wearing a suede jacket, impeccable, perfect, and Dennis was in a black cashmere turtleneck with a down vest over it. Very Lands' End adorable. They sat down, obviously pleased to see her.

“It's so great to see you, Ruby,” Dennis said, grabbing Ruby's hand and giving it a squeeze. Ruby relaxed immediately. These men were going to think she was a good mother. They knew her good qualities better than anyone else. That she's patient, gentle, calm. So what if they had also been witnesses to a few bouts of her bone-crushing disappointment? No one is perfect. She suddenly remembered Gary once coming over and taking her for a drive in her pajamas. She had been despondent over one guy or another. He told her to get in his car “or else,” and they drove all the way up to Bear Mountain and back. Ruby, in her pajamas and parka, was so touched that it shook her out of her depression and she was able to move on. Now she regretted that Gary had ever seen that side of her. He might use that touching moment against her. She silently cursed herself for not always being perfectly cheerful around her close friend. What if he thought she was too mentally unstable to be the mother of his or Dennis's baby?