How to Be a Normal Person (9 page)

“Oh?” Lottie asked innocently. “There was contact?”

Gus flushed horribly.

Casey made a slightly wounded noise.

Lottie grinned evilly.

“Erm,” Gus said.

“He blushes
all the time
,” Casey said in awe.

“Really?” Lottie asked. “Because this is the first time
I’ve
seen it.” And then, just because she could, she said, “Gus! Best Adapted Screenplay category, forty-ninth Academy Awards.”

And since Gus couldn’t
not
, he said, “Robert Getchell, Nicholas Meyer, Federico Fellini and Bernardino Zapponi, David Butler and Steve Shagan. William Goldman won for
All the President’s Men
.”

“What,” Casey said.

“I really enjoyed that movie,” Lottie said. “Robert Redford is like cheese: he ages well and I want to put him in my mouth.”

“No, but seriously,” Casey said. “
What
.”

“Oh,” Lottie said. “Gus can list off every Academy Award nomination and winner in every category of every year of the Oscars.”

“Dude,” Casey said.

“It’s just a thing,” Gus grumbled.

“Dude,” Casey demanded.

“Stop calling me dude!”

“Pastor Tommy could do it too,” Lottie said. “Taught Gus everything he knows.”

“Best Documentary,” Casey said. “1967.”

“
The Anderson Platoon
.”

“Best Musical Score 1952.”

“Alfred Newman for
With a Song in My Heart
.”

“Best Film Editing 1986!”

“Thom Noble for
Witness
.”

“Cinematography 1937!”

“Tony Gaudio for
Anthony Adverse
.”

“
Dude
,” Casey breathed. “You… you just…. Who
are
you?”

Gus frowned. “I’m Gus,” he said, though he didn’t know how well that explained it.

“No,” Casey said. “You’re—like, okay, stay with me here, okay? So, if
Jesus
was still alive and he was totally into movies and could memorize shit because of the way his brain works,
that’s
who you’d be. Don’t you get it?
You’re a cinematic Jesus
.”

Well. Gus didn’t know quite how to take that. “Are you… complimenting me?”

“Yeah. Yes. Holy shit, yes.”

“By calling me a cinematic Jesus.”

“Praise be!” Casey said, throwing his hands in the air.

“Contact high,” Gus said. “This has to be a contact high.”

And how Casey
smiled
.

WHEN THERE
was a knock at his door that night, Gus was slightly confused. He understood the concept of knocking on a door (and had, in fact, done it a few times himself in his life). What was confusing to him, though, was the fact that someone was knocking on
his
door.

He set down the encyclopedia (halfway through the entry on Greece) and stared at the door from his spot in Pastor Tommy’s recliner.

The knock came again.

“Huh,” Gus said. “So
that’s
what that sounds like.”

Gus didn’t know if it were odd or not to hear for what was probably the first time someone knocking on the front door. Pastor Tommy always had an open-door policy for anyone who ever wanted to stop by. And people did because people loved Pastor Tommy, who would sit in his chair with a bong in one hand, his other flailing wildly as he told stories about the time he went scuba diving and was accosted by an amorous squid or when he outdrank an Irishman in an Irish Pub in Ireland (though, that last was really drinking with a guy named O’Malley in a pub in Portland). If Gus’s bedroom door was ever shut, it meant he needed privacy and Pastor Tommy respected that. (“You don’t need to be ashamed about masturbating, Gus, everyone does it, your teachers do it, police officers, the mailman, politicians, I do it, everyone seriously does it so stop being all weird about it and just shut your door and turn on music and go to town, oh my god.”)

After Pastor Tommy died, Gus never left the front door open and people didn’t come over anymore. It was easier that way.

Until now.

“Huh,” Gus said again as the knock came a third time. Then he remembered that when one has a door knocked upon, it is customary to find out who is on the other side.

Sometimes when he got home, Gus did not wear pants. He was thankful today was not one of those days. He didn’t think it would have been appropriate to answer the front door in nothing but his tighty-whities.

He reached the door and heard someone shuffling outside on the porch. The door didn’t have a peephole and Gus was not a stupid man, so he said loudly, “If you’re here to rob me, you should know that I have a basic understanding of martial arts and will not hesitate to unleash my fury upon your thieving ways.”

“Whoa,” a voice said on the other side of the door. “Are you serious? Dude. Please don’t karate chop my face.”

Gus sighed heavily and opened the door, flipping on the porch light.

Casey blinked, then grinned at him. “Gustavo,” he said, as if he were surprised to see Gus instead of the other way around. “Hello.” He fiddled with his glasses, pushing them back on his nose, then dropped his hand.

“Casey,” Gus allowed. “What can I help you with?”

“Are those your pajamas?” he asked, eyes raking over Gus.

“Yes,” Gus said, refusing to be embarrassed.

“You have sleep pants with tiny pictures of… is that Yasser Arafat?”

“Uh. Yeah.”

“You have pajamas with a dead Palestinian leader’s face on them.”

“I am aware,” Gus said, trying not to fidget as Casey essentially stared at his crotch. “They’re my Yasser Arapants.”

Casey choked.

Gus waited.

“Oh my fucking god,” Casey mumbled to himself. “You’re like… just… like, this
person
.”

Gus waited some more.

“Gus,” Casey said, lifting his gaze. “Hey.” His mouth quirked.

“Hi, Casey.” And why did it come out sounding roughly
fond
? This would most certainly not do at all.

“So. Look.”

Gus waited even more. He wondered if he should invite Casey in, but he didn’t know that he wanted to. It was a very confusing time for him. He blamed the hipster and a society who helped promote them. He probably had a blog dedicated to beard maintenance where he also posted black and white pictures of dilapidated barns because he thought they symbolized postwar Americana and made him feel deep.

“There’s something you should know about me,” Casey said. “Before we continue doing what we’re doing.”

“I’m pretty sure I have no idea what you’re talking about,” Gus said. “We’re not doing anything.”

“Sure, Gus,” Casey said. “Okay. So, hey. I’ve had sex before. With women. And men.”

And… wow. Gus
really
didn’t want to think about that. But not at
all
because he was thinking about Casey having sex with other people and getting jealous at the idea of it, but because he didn’t want to think about Casey as a sexual being at
all
. And he
didn’t
.

“Okay?” Gus said. “Uh. Thank you. For sharing.”

Casey nodded. “Good, that felt good. You too. You can share. This can be our share space.” He waved his arms around like he was encompassing the entire area.

“Our share space,” Gus repeated.

“Yes,” Casey said seriously. “You can share with me in our share space. It’s a safe place for sharing. Judgment free, that’s you and me.”

“I’m judging you,” Gus said. “You rhymed and I’m judging you.”

“Share space,” Casey whispered, staring at Gus intently.

“Are you stoned again?” Gus asked.

“Nope,” Casey said. “I haven’t smoked since, like, five this afternoon.”

“It’s seven fifteen,” Gus said.

“I know,” Casey said, completely missing the sarcasm. “But I didn’t want to be high when I came to talk to you so you wouldn’t blame it on the weed later. Share space.” He flailed his arms again.

Now Gus was reminded of why he didn’t want people knocking on his door. “Look, Casey—”

“You weren’t a Care Bear earlier,” Casey said. “Even with the whole sunshine all over the world thing. But you can be a Share Bear now. Share space.”

“A Share… Bear?” Gus couldn’t believe those words ever came from his mouth and hoped they never would again.

Casey nodded.

“And we’re sharing about….”

“Sex,” Casey said promptly.

“And then you’ll go away?”

Casey grinned.

Gus rolled his eyes. “Yes. I’ve had sex.”

“With?”

“Guys.” Three, in fact. Once when he was eighteen years old and decided he wanted to rid himself of his virginity and fucked a guy he’d gone to school with in the back of Pastor Tommy’s Ford Taurus. The second when he was twenty-three and wanted to
be
fucked so he didn’t have to think about it anymore and had slept with a person passing through Abby on his way to Seattle. The third was last year and there was alcohol involved at a bar and Gus didn’t really remember much about it, only that the We Three Queens had given him shit for days, saying they’d never known he was such a floozy.
He’d
never known he was such a floozy and pretty much thought sex was far too complicated. He only did it because he thought that’s what normal people did. He enjoyed it, or at least his body did. The rest of him wondered if that was all there was to it.

“Good,” Casey said. “My turn. I didn’t like most of it.”

And that…. Gus didn’t know what to do with that. A really, really awful thought struck him and he didn’t know quite how to vocalize it without making it sound bad. “Because it wasn’t… consensual?”

Casey’s eyes widened. “No, no, no! It was all consensual. All the consent was given. Nothing like that. I’m ace.”

“I don’t know what that means,” Gus admitted.

“That’s okay,” Casey said. “I’m asexual.”

And…. Gus still didn’t know what to do with that. “Is that… good?”

Casey nodded. “It took me a long while to figure it out, why I didn’t feel the way everyone else seemed to feel about sex. It doesn’t do a whole lot for me, to be honest. I thought maybe it was women, so I switched to men, but it wasn’t all that much better. It’s… it was
mechanical
, almost. I was going through the motions but it wasn’t really
doing
anything for me. I could get off but I didn’t care about it. I thought maybe there was something wrong with me until I figured it out and then it was like a big, fat asexual ray of sunshine fell over me and it was
glorious
. But it felt better when I figured out that I wasn’t weird and that it was okay to not want sex like everyone else. But I like touching and I like kissing most of the time and I can be there for a partner should the situation… arise. Sometimes, I’ll even jerk off, and I’m told I give really awesome hugs.” He waggled his eyebrows unfairly.

“Sure,” Gus said, trying not to let anything
arise
because the way Casey said
hugs
was like someone else saying
blowjobs
and that shouldn’t be doing it for him. “Okay.”

“We’ll work up to that, though,” Casey said.

“We will?”

“Yes. Just be patient with me. I’m very fragile.”

Gus squinted at him. “What the hell.”

“Share space,” Casey said.

“Right,” Gus said, because he wasn’t quite sure what was happening right now and it made him anxious again. He wondered if that was how he would always feel around Casey. Then he wondered why he was thinking about being around Casey long-term. He wondered many things.

“So you’re okay with that?” Casey asked, and for the first time since Gus had met him (
two days ago
, a tiny voice in his head supplied), he seemed slightly nervous, as if Gus’s answer was important.

And Gus couldn’t remember the last time anyone had asked him a question that seemed to have weight in its answer. Either people didn’t trust him or Gus didn’t trust himself (more the latter than the former, if he was being honest). He didn’t even know
why
Casey would care what he thought, but he wondered how hard it was to share something like that about yourself and how much courage it took to admit it. So he answered as honestly as he could. “Yes?”

Casey let out a long breath and grinned at him. “I knew you would be, man. You’ve got those vibes. Lottie says your aura has been brighter these last couple of days. Maybe your aura and your vibes are the same thing because they’re
vibing
.”

“You believe in auras?” Gus asked, wincing slightly. “Er, vibes?”

Casey shrugged. “I believe in a lot of things. They don’t have to be real for everyone, just as long as they’re real for me.”

“My vibes are real to you,” Gus said, trying to follow along.

And there was that bright smile again. “Yeah, man. I dig them.”

“You dig my vibes,” Gus said.

“Sure,” Casey said.

“But,” Gus said.

Casey arched an eyebrow.

“I don’t know what’s going on,” Gus said helplessly.

“We’re becoming friends, Gustavo,” Casey said, as if it were the most obvious thing in the world.

“We are?” Gus said, as if it were the least obvious thing in the world.

“Sure,” Casey said. “It’s okay. We’ll figure it out as we go. I need your phone number.”

“Why?” Gus asked, suddenly suspicious.

Casey rolled his eyes. “So I can text you. That’s what friends do.”

“I don’t text.”

“That’s cool. I’ll show you how.”

“I know
how
. I just don’t do it, oh my god.”

“You will,” Casey said. “Lottie said your phone is a dinosaur so I can’t send you picture messages. We may have to fix that in the future. I take lots of pictures.”

“The future?” Gus asked faintly.

“Gustavo,” Casey said. “Focus. Phone number.”

Gus focused and gave Casey his number. It was awkward. He’d never given his phone number out before. Part of him hoped he’d messed it up and given Casey the wrong number. “If you text me after nine at night,” Gus said as Casey saved him as a contact, “I will unleash hell upon you in ways you’ve never before witnessed.”