How Spy I Am (16 page)

Clenched in each
other’s arms, our bodies strained together in slowing spasms, my
senses filled with the taste of his skin, the sound of our panting,
his gun-oil-and-leather scent, the hot tingling of my hard-ridden
body.

Long moments later, I
gulped a few unsteady breaths and dragged my eyes half-open, the
aftershocks still vibrating through me.

“Aydan. Oh my God.”
Kane rested his forehead against mine before pulling away a few
inches to smile into my eyes.

“You weren’t kidding
you don’t do slow,” he said.

Then he was kissing
me. Soft, sweet kisses scattered over my lips, cheeks, forehead,
temples.

“Beautiful,” he
murmured. “You’re beautiful. And I have all night to tell you that.
All night to explore.” His hands and lips drifted lower. “All night
to give you as much pleasure as you can bear. All night to do…
this…”

I sucked in a sharp
breath, my body arching up to meet his mouth.

Kane chuckled. “Slow
down…”

Much later, we
sprawled in a limp tangle of arms and legs and sweat-damp sheets.
My body thrummed with exhausted satisfaction, my limbs too heavy to
move.

Kane brushed
feather-light kisses over my closed eyelids. “Ready to sleep?” he
whispered.

“Mm-hmm.” I wasn’t
sure if he’d heard my mumble or not.

I felt him moving,
straightening the bedding while I floated blissfully. No need to
open my eyes.

Covers settled over me
and the bedside lamp clicked into darkness. His arms found me,
tucking me close to the strong steady beat of his heart. Hovering
on the indistinct border of euphoric sleep, I barely felt the touch
of his lips on my hair, my temple, my cheek. Tender kisses,
cradling me in warmth and safety and…

…Love.

My lassitude trickled
away into dismay and I held my breathing steady, faking relaxation
with an effort.

Come on, settle down.
It was only sex. He knew it. He’d said so himself. Only friends
with benefits. He didn’t expect anything more.

I eased out a long,
slow breath.

Nothing to worry
about. He’d said himself he was responsible for his own happiness.
He knew what he was doing. It wasn’t like he was expecting me to
wake up in the morning wanting a serious relationship.

He sighed, his arms
growing heavier. His lips brushed mine in one last gentle kiss
before his head settled on the pillow beside me. I felt his lips
curve into a smile against my cheek, his breathing slowing.

What could be better
than snuggling up to an amazingly hot guy after mind-blowing sex?
Any woman would kill to be where I was right now. And there was
lots more where that came from. I could share his bed whenever I
wanted. Run my hands over his glorious body, taste his lips, watch
his eyes ignite. Just for me, night after night.

My stomach
clenched.

Night after night.
Until he fell into the comfort of having me here. Until he grew to
expect my presence. Until he started to hope and believe I might
offer him commitment someday. Until my continued refusal made his
love fade into resentment and finally into anger and hatred.

I gulped at the
tightness in my throat. Kane wasn’t the type of guy who could be
friends with benefits. He was too intense, too possessive, too…
attached.

This had been a
terrible mistake. Dammit, I knew it. I knew I should have ended it
and walked away instead of taking this first step down a road that
could only lead to pain.

I lay still until his
breathing slowed and deepened. When I was sure he was asleep, I
eased cautiously out of his embrace and over to the other side of
the bed, the clammy sheets shocking my skin. I lay wide-eyed in the
darkness.

Stupid, stupid,
stupid.

I drew a deep breath
and let it out slowly. I’d talk to him in the morning. Explain why
this couldn’t work. Apologize.

Just relax in the mean
time.

I had soothed myself
into drowsiness at last when Kane sighed in his sleep. His reaching
arms found me and cuddled me close.

Claustrophobia
prickled my skin and I carefully extracted myself, moving a little
farther away.

Sleep. Belly breathe.
Ocean waves.

Kane’s arm fell across
me again.

I clung to the edge of
the bed while Kane slept sprawled in the middle. We had repeated
the catch-and-escape routine twice more, and my nerves jangled with
tension and fatigue.

He sighed and reached
one more time, and I gave up and got out of the bed. For a few
moments, I stood pondering.

There was absolutely
zero chance I could sleep here. I could crash on the couch, or I
could call Hellhound and get him to drive me home. The thought of
my own bed and a few hours of solitude filled me with a deep
yearning.

Going home was
probably the smart thing to do anyway. A few hours of sleep and a
chance to get my head on straight would make the conversation with
Kane a little easier.

I shuffled gingerly
through the darkness, searching out my far-flung clothing. When I
was dressed, I tiptoed out of the bedroom to find my waist pouch. I
had my phone in my hand when it occurred to me to use Kane’s home
phone instead. No awkward tracking issues.

I located his cordless
handset and got as far away from the bedroom as possible before
dialling Hellhound’s cell phone. It rang a few times before his
sleep-slurred rasp tickled my ear.

“Whaddafuck?”

“Arnie, it’s Aydan,” I
whispered.

When he spoke again,
he sounded wide-awake and worried. “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing. Can you come
and get me?”

“Why’re ya whisperin’?
Are ya okay?”

“I’m fine, I just
don’t want to wake Kane. Could you please just come and get
me?”

“Hang tight, darlin’,
I’ll be right there.”

I had just pressed the
disconnect button when a flood of light and Kane’s voice made me
spin around with a yelp.

“Who are you calling?”
he asked. “It’s three o’clock in the morning.”

He blinked drowsily,
looking thoroughly delicious with his hair tousled, dark stubble
defining the planes of his strong, square face. The sight of him in
nothing but that well-filled black underwear almost made me forgive
myself for my earlier lapse of judgement. Superwoman herself
wouldn’t have been able to resist him.

“I’m sorry I woke
you,” I told him. “Go on back to bed. I couldn’t sleep, so I called
Arnie to pick me up.”

Hurt twisted his face
for a bare instant before his expression smoothed into neutrality.
When he spoke, his tone was emotionless. “So you were going to
sneak away to him in the middle of the night.”

Oh, God, I knew this
was going to be a problem.

“John, no, it’s not
like that at all,” I assured him hurriedly. “I just wanted to go
home and sleep in my own bed, and I didn’t want to wake you. Being
with you was even more mind-blowing than I dreamed it would be.
Believe me, I don’t have any energy left for anybody else. I just
wanted a ride home.”

His expression
softened, but he persisted. “You stay all night when you’re with
him.”

How the hell did he
know that? Damn spies…

“I just… it’s nothing
personal, I just couldn’t sleep. I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to wake
you. Can we talk about this tomorrow?”

“Why don’t you come
back to bed? We can talk about it all you want.”

That invitingly
sleep-edged voice, that sex-god body, and I was walking away? My
God, was I insane?

But his face confirmed
my earlier misgivings. That expression wasn’t lust. Lust would’ve
been good. That was… wistfulness or something. Longing, maybe.
Love.

Need.

I hid a shiver, the
urge to escape churning in my gut.

“Look, John, I’m
sorry. This was… You were amazing, this night was amazing, but it
was a mistake. It was stupid of me to let it happen, and I’m sorry.
Friends with benefits isn’t going to work between us.”

The cop face closed
down. “Why not?”

“You’re too attached.
You care too much, and you’ll end up hating me because I can’t feel
that way about you.”

“So you’re saying that
because I love you…” His expressionless facade vanished and he shot
me a defiant look. “Yes, I love you, dammit, I’m going to say it
out loud.
Because
I love you
, we can’t be together?
If I didn’t give a damn about you, if all I wanted was to get into
your pants, everything would be fine?”

“I… Well, yeah… If you
only wanted to get in my pants, that would be great, I could give
you what you wanted. But-”

“Dammit, Aydan, that’s
a crock! What kind of messed-up logic is that?”

Stress and exhaustion
made the bitter self-recrimination burst out of me. “You’re right,
I’m completely fucked up, and I told you that already! I
warned
you, and you wouldn’t fucking listen! That’s exactly
why it works with Arnie and it won’t work with you-”

I bit off the words
too late.

“Really.” His even
tone might as well have come with a flashing red light and a
warning klaxon.

“I didn’t mean it that
way, I just meant…”

“Meant what?” A muscle
jumped in his jaw. “Tell me what he gives you that I can’t. Or
didn’t.”

“It’s not a matter of
giving me something, I’m not trying to compare you…”

“But you
are
comparing us, dammit!”

I throttled the
defensive anger before it could escape. “I’m sorry, I didn’t
mean-”

“Cut the crap, Aydan!
Don’t tell me kind little lies. Just say it!”

I threw up my arms and
let them fall to my sides with a slap. “Fine! Arnie doesn’t get
attached and he doesn’t get jealous and he never asks me for more
than I can give-”

“And he’ll never give
you anything in return!” Kane wasn’t quite yelling. “What will you
have left when he can’t get it up anymore-”

“We’re friends, too,
it’s not just about-“

“Do you really want to
end up old and alone with nothing in your life but pathetic
hookups-”

“I like living by
myself, I’m not looking for-”

“…with a guy you know
will screw around on you at the slightest opportunity-”

“He’s not screwing
around on me, we both-”

“He can’t even commit
to serial monogamy, let alone-”

“
I don’t want
it
!” I cut off his rising voice with a full-throated shout.
“Why does everybody think marriage and monogamy are so fucking
wonderful? They’re just another goddamn cage!”

We stared at each
other in the shattering silence.

“Fine,” Kane said
quietly. “Go
fuck
my so-called best friend, then.”

The word spat from his
lips like a poison dart, and I couldn’t prevent my flinch.

I swallowed the hurt
and held my face and voice calm and expressionless. “He ended it
between us. Because he cares about your happiness more than
anything or anybody. Don’t ever doubt his friendship. It’s far more
than you deserve.”

I pushed past him to
put on my boots and jacket.

“Aydan, I’m sorry.”
Kane’s voice was close behind me, but I couldn’t turn to him. “I’m
sorry,” he repeated. “Please stay so we can talk this out.”

A tap at the door
filled me with relief and loss.

I steeled myself to
turn and face him, but I couldn’t look at his eyes. I spoke to his
chest instead.

“This conversation is
exactly why friends with benefits can’t work between us. All the
talk in the world won’t change that.”

There didn’t seem to
be anything more to say. I wanted to kiss him one last time, but
what was the point? When it’s over, it’s over.

“I’m sorry,” I said,
and slipped out the door.

Hellhound drew back,
his hand still poised in midair for another knock, and I brushed
past him to head for the Forester.

“Aydan? Darlin’,
what’s wrong?”

I kept walking and got
into the SUV, staring through the windshield.

He slid into the
driver’s seat. “Aydan-”

“Please take me home,”
I interrupted.

In my peripheral
vision, I saw him lean forward, trying to catch my eye. “Aydan?”
Gentle fingertips coaxed my chin around so he could look into my
face. “Aydan, ya gotta talk to him. Ya can’t just-”

“We talked. We’ve said
everything there is to say. We’re done. Please take me home.”

I turned back to the
windshield. Stay in control.

“Aw, darlin’…” He
started to reach for me.

“Don’t.”

I sat rigidly,
controlling my breathing, controlling my thoughts. Just get
home.

For a few long
moments, I felt the weight of Arnie’s gaze. Finally he blew out a
breath and put the SUV in gear.

When he pulled up
behind the hotel, I took a deep breath. “Arnie, I’m sorry, I can’t
do this tonight.” I cursed the thin, lost tremor in my voice.
“Please, just take me home.”

His gentle caress on
my hair made my eyes brim up despite my best efforts. “Darlin’, I
wouldn’t ask ya to,” he murmured. “I just gotta go up an’ get the
tracker, ‘cause it hadta stay in the hotel ‘til ya got here. Just
sit tight, I’ll be right back.”

He returned in
minutes, and we made the trip to my farm in silence. As soon as the
SUV stopped, I got out and hurried to the front door, but Arnie was
too fast for me despite his limp. He crowded into the house behind
me, swinging the door shut on the cameras outside.

I turned to face him,
trying to find a way to say ‘please go away’ without hurting his
feelings. Before I could find the words, he held my face between
his hands, examining me tensely. “Tell me what’s wrong, Aydan. Did
he hurt ya?”

“No. He would never
hurt me. I’m fine.” I held my voice level with an effort. “Thanks
for the ride. Good night.”

He looked down at me
for a few seconds longer, his face softening. “Not hurt,” he rasped
quietly. “Just hurtin’. Aw, darlin’.” He gently closed his arms
around me.